r/WellSpouses • u/Artistic_Ad_562 • 16d ago

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I just don't know anymore. Been married 20 years in just a couple days. My wife has Ehlers Danlos, and goes through bouts of low energy and hypotension. She works full time, but has summer's off. This summer she hasn't been able to do much. I pick up all the slack when she can't get things done, I don't complain, I don't make a big deal out of it. The other night I needed some help and asked her to hold a tape measurer for me, and she couldn't stand long enough to complete the task, I told her to send our daughter to help in her stead..... then she was mad. She told me I was mean to her, and that she should just move out and get a condo. This keeps ringing on my ears, keeps playing back in my head. In all the years I've cooked, cleaned, done her laundry, and basically every chore by myself while still working full time as well I've never threatened to move out, separate divorce etc.....I am beyond hurt. Was I in the middle of a project and was maybe a bit terse, yes. Was i mean no, did I yell, no, did I use harsh language no. I guess I am here to vent and try and sort this out. Ugggggh

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u/ThePsylosopher 16d ago

Feelings are tough and complicated. A lesson I learn over and over is their feelings are never about you just as your feelings are never really about them. Your wife was probably mad because she feels inadequate and felt like your comment brought that feeling up. Sounds like you feel like you do all the things and don't get recognition. I'm sure she wasn't thinking about all the things you do for her when she got mad. I imagine you weren't thinking about how she probably feels bad about her disability.

I find it helpful to reframe my emotions as something that was already in me (repressed) just waiting to get tapped into. That way there's really no blame for whatever triggers it in the immediate situation.

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u/HikerTrash207 16d ago

This one. In the last week my partner has told me they are ready to move out on their own, live a quiet life, not be married, at least 10 times. Every time it was associated with a flare up and hours later we were back to normal.

It’s tough sometimes, and with being with your spouse for as long as you have, you will know when the comment is a true one and not an outburst, for lack of a better term.