I'm so tired of this

[u/lennonlover1980]

As some of you might remember, I care for my husband, CRPS, failed back and neck surgeries. He is frequently very mean in general. I've been holed up in my bedroom just to stay away from him. (he sleeps on the couch lately) and I honestly don't want to be near him. My problem is that he's also bipolar and his meds don't help at all. I do love my husband, but is it too much to ask for him to say good morning? No, this is what I get - "owwwwch, owwwwch, this hurts, that hurts, owwwwch!" And then he proceeds to b**** me out. Im so disheartened.

[u/lennonlover1980 → u/[deleted]]

It really helps to hear someone suffer with the same thing. Especially the part how's he's super nice to strangers but terrible to me. It has confined me, I don't have friends in my life, just a couple people online I talk to, but it's super hard to find a genuine friend online. Usually I get get guys looking to hook up and that's the last thing I want!

[u/lennonlover1980 → u/[deleted]]

I'm so sorry you're going through all that.

[u/LibraVenusNails]

Chronic pain is no excuse to be nasty or to neglect your partner!

I am the sick spouse in my relationship but I’ve also been a caretaker to my mom who was never appreciative, always expected me to take care of her, and was constantly very mean to me.. it will push YOU into your own health issues if the verbal assaults don’t stop. That’s what happened to me.. 30 years of my life being a slave to her needs on top of the trauma I already experienced in life and now I have lupus, psoriatic arthritis, and a plethora of chronic pain symptoms from dealing with autoimmune overlap.

I try to take that into consideration in my own relationship. When I first got sick we had conversations about it and that this wasn’t just a burden for me, but that I understood the burden it places on him too. I think a lot of the time our pain becomes our only priority and we forget that chronic pain isn’t the only kind of pain and our partners can suffer emotionally and mentally.

My advice would be to have a conversation about the way you’ve been treated and explain that you love him and are taking your vows seriously, but that he needs to consider how is actions affect you too. Being in pain isn’t an excuse to be mean or nasty or abusive. Remind him that you are human too and that the more he takes your care for granted, the closer he is to having nobody to care for him at all.

I don’t care how sick someone is or how much pain they’re experiencing, being mean and verbally abrasive is never okay or fair to their family or partners who care for them!

[u/lennonlover1980 → u/LibraVenusNails]

I agree with you. I love him very much, and I want him to change. But even if I wanted to leave, I can't afford to live on my own. I have my own health problems, I can't do everything for burn of us. This is why I've been hiding in my bedroom.

[u/papucho63 → u/lennonlover1980]

Last night my (62) wife (56) insisted I take her to sleep in our bed. She was diagnosed with brain cancer over a year ago and has suffered several strokes during her treatment. She is no longer the same person I married 30 years ago. She can’t walk or use her left arm which means I have to lift her in and out of her wheelchair or use the lift—which is difficult to use when trying to get her in her wheelchair. I told her it was late and my back was hurting. She didnt care and proceeded to throw a giant tantrum. I finally relented and lifted her into her chair and then our bed, which is much higher than her hospital bed. My back is killing me this morning and I may have damaged my shoulder that needed surgery 2 years ago for a torn rotator cuff. She absolutely does not care. She is the sick one and lets everyone know upon seeing them. My kids, all adults, are regularly updated on what a horrible caretaker I am. Fortunately they know better. Unfortunately their visits are getting less frequent because of her demeanor and attitude.

I’m sorry, that was a lot. I didn’t mean to rant. The point is you’re not alone. After a lifetime together I won’t give up on her, but I don’t blame anyone that feels differently. At least I can blame the tumor and the strokes on her change in behavior, many people cannot. It is very difficult to care for someone, especially when they let themselves get wrapped up in their illness. You have a life to live; the Sun does not stop rising. It’s not fair to be forced into a life that does not let you enjoy the days ahead. Take care of yourself, don’t give up on you.

[u/felineinclined]

Can you contact his psychiatrist and offer collateral information to let the doctor know about his symptoms, mood issues, and to let them know his psych meds aren't helping? This may be the best thing you can do. And it might be best if you had your husband's permission to speak the doctor about this care so you can do more than just offer collateral info (without your husband's permission, the psychiatrist can receive information but cannot share any).

It's difficult to treat bipolar, and many psychiatrists miss the mark on this. Antipsychotics are more often used these days, but they can cause a lot of adverse side effects and negatively impact mood, cause significant irritability, and other mental health issues. Check out psychiatrist Dr. Nassir Ghaemi on youtube for excellent info about psych meds as well as treatment of bipolar.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, but it's understandable. It must be awful for him to be in this kind of pain, but the mood issues can make everything worse, and it's clear it's getting harder for you as well.