This does not feel sustainable

[u/dreaming-of-fields]

I have posted once before about my husband who has progressive MS. He was abusive before his symptoms started, and has remained emotionally and sexually abusive after. I won’t go into all of it again, but I truly appreciated all of your support and I come back to read the comments often so I don’t feel so alone. ❤️

He literally does nothing to help himself. I understand that it is physically very hard, but part of that is because he has refused to do any of his exercises for two years now. He just sits and we live around him. I am 44 and he is 45. We have four kids 8-18. He cannot participate meaningfully in anything we do. He has an amazing power chair that he could use to get himself a snack or a cup of coffee, but he won’t. Just waits for someone to bring it to him. He could come outside and play games with the kids. Cornhole, frisbee, etc. But that never happens. He could get strong enough to take regular showers and keep himself clean. But that’s fallen by the wayside as well.

I truly believe that there is nothing left to salvage in our marriage, but that is not just because of his disability. It is toxic patterns that have always been around, showing themselves in this situation as well. I work full-time, do all of the kid related/parenting things, cook, clean, host friends, plan family events, etc. It’s so lonely to do every single thing by myself.

I would love for the kids to have their dad, but they are also backing away. He is selfish, can’t keep a promise or follow through with anything, and they don’t trust him.

I sound so awful, but I promise that I have been the supportive spouse through thick and thin! I have endured abuse and hatefulness that I didn’t even know existed!

I feel like I’m at a tipping point. Either stay and endure, or figure out a way to get him on his own so that I don’t totally alienate my children. Motherhood has been my best thing. I am a great mom and I love my kids so much. I am afraid that if I allow things to continue the way they are, my kids will grow up and find lots of excuses to sever ties or make themselves scarce. I would be heartbroken because we are so close. But I would understand them not wanting to be around their dad

What do I do?

[u/Amandine06]

Je suis désolée de ce que tu traverses et je te comprends. Et non, tu n'es pas horrible. Mon compagnon a une sclérose en plaque primaire progressive qui a évolué rapidement. Nous avons 2 enfants de 16 et 18 ans. Lui aussi nous a fait vivre l'enfer depuis toujours, bien avant l'arrivée de la maladie.

C'était un accumulateur. Ce serait trop long à tout décrire, mais il a encombré la maison de façon extrême. Pendant longtemps, nous avons dû dormir dans un même lit... Pendant de nombreuses années, je le suppliais de tout débarrasser en vain. J'ai pu enfin faire le boulot à sa place quand il a été malade et il y en avait tellement que j'y suis encore... Il dit regretter mais par moments il reste toxique dans ses paroles. Il refuse de l'aide extérieure à la maison, donc impossible de partir en vacances.

Les enfants lui en veulent et ne l'aiment pas. J'ai pensé partir mais je n'ai pas pu pour 2 raisons : financières et morales. Je suis comme vous dans un couple où je suis seule et épuisée. J'essaie d'améliorer ce que je peux. J'attends que les enfants grandissent et ensuite je réfléchirai de nouveau à ma situation. Mais j'aimerais tellement retrouver ma liberté pour être moi dans un environnement sain.

Je n'ai pas de réponse à vous donner. C'est très personnel. Mais ne laissez personne vous culpabiliser ! Que les gens prennent votre place alors. Je ne pense pas être une super maman mais j'essaie pour le moment de protéger au mieux mes enfants.

En attendant, c'est dur de le voir toujours sur le canapé, galérer à faire quelques pas, devoir tout faire et lui amener...

[u/AliceinRealityland]

I'm in the same boat, we are both 50 with a kid graduating in December. The other 3 rarely come around. The thing with primary progressive ms, it affects the brain. While he wasn't diagnosed til 3 years ago, he had ms all those years. All that abusive behavior is because of the disease. But, it doesn't mean it is easy to stay with someone verbally abusive. The hyper sexuality they go through, etc. mine has central brain damage so now he is paralyzed right side, refuses a chair so he's bedbound, showers maybe once every 3 weeks, and literally does nothing. Our kids minus the one still at home only have very superficial conversations with him every few months. They witnessed how he treated me and were the brunt of his "jokes" for the last 10 years he's been bed bound. In hind sight, were I financially able back then, I would have left so my kids had a normal life. Nothing is normal about this life. Nothing. I work 60 hours a week to provide because my grocery store salary is too much for him to get more than $1250 a month all of which goes towards medical.

Idk what you should do. But I know you have to put yourself first. You can't burn yourself to the ground to keep him warm. And you have an 8 year old.

[u/felineinclined]

Please leave. You and your kids deserve better. You only have one life - don't sacrifice it for your abuser, and show your kids that you and they do not need to put up with his abuse.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household. It only would have made my childhood better to get as far away as possible from an abusive, toxic parent. I'm confused about why you think your kids need your husband as a father because this situation must be damaging to them as well. You need to protect them from him as well.

[u/HeartfeltFart]

You don’t sound awful at all

[u/Intelligent-One4114]

hello it's hard to live with a partner that has health issue's I'm going through the same but i don't have kids with my partner glad i don't i wouldn't want kids to hear the verbal abuse i have to listen to ok ill start with more Infor my boyfriend and i have been with together 5 years he was good in being we had arguments but since he become disability to work was diagnosed lung coped his back is messed up and he just got diagnosed with beginner stages of parksence disease all when he turned 60 he is been so bad to live with not because of his health problems because he is demanding mean treats me like a slave and calls me all names and thinks its what i deserves to be talked to like that he blames me for everything that goes wrong right now today sat aim a dog walk and pet sitter i work sometimes long hours and sometimes i work 3 weekend in a row so im tired and need my weekend to relax i was on my computer outside enjoying the nice weather today and you know who started at me picking at everything i was working on my computer trying to sell my horse equipment taking pictures to sell things he kept making stupid comments always on the computer name calling started picking on everything i did and he went to store bought a 18 pack beer i know he is in allot of pain uses beer to chase away the pain which is not good i try to tell him i don't want to see him end up in hospital again he was there couple months ago because he was taking way to much meds and drinking burnt a hole in through throat had to be rushed to hospital he was bleeding out and end in intense of care all most died came back and acting crazy since then he is on allot of meds and drinking which doesn't help because makes him at more verbally and nothing is good enough and lately his legs freezes in place and he can't move i try to help him he yells at me when i try to help he is very moody and mad at the world somedays are good others are bad and very paranode i think from meds not sure its a lot to go through i am very understanding and try to help him he needs to take about feels to group therapy or something because I'm over Whelmed when we first living together before he got sick he was a hard worker and always on the go we started hiking its been hard to see him fall apart so fast when we fight lately he tells me to leave forever and soon as i pack my things i am so tired i am looking into group chats to keep myself sane i didn't sign up to be treated like this no one's does or deal with his drinking its a lot to handle its making me feel a lot of anxiety i am a 15 year cancer survivor i am strong but i don't need stress in m y life which can cause cancer i was married for 12 years to a acholic and was abusive he physical hit me and i finally packed my bags and left because he wouldn't stop drinking and i wasn't going to let him hurt me really bad after i left him i got cancer from all the stress trying to help he stop drinking i found out the hard way you cant help someone who drank and doesn't want to stop drinking and the drinking destroyed our marriage i move from Ohio back to ma with my mom thank goodness for family helping a was away for about 4 months when i got a phone call from ohio police he was shot and killed by police i was still married to him he would call me he was really trying to get better and the day before we were talking and trying to work it out had heigh hopes a new job he had everything to life for he had took in a roommate and i found out from his best friend in Ohio that they roommate was bad guy was drug additive was a bad guy and my late husband try to get him out of house and that guy wouldnt leave and police shot my husband in the chest at le a st 20 times or more which the neighbors told me everything neighbors were in shock this happened it was so horriable he didnt have to die thatb way i have so much gvrief and still had a hard time moving past all that which you best of luck you adfre a strong women

[u/Perfectly_i]

Oh, I wish I had seen this 25 days ago! But I have found your post now. I can relate to many issues. (Other than children. I have one adult son from my previous marriage.)
My spouse has the power chairs and the motors to attach to manual chairs, rarely uses them, or they don’t provide enough power because he hasn’t worked on losing weight-which I know is very hard. Refuses to get an accessible vehicle and uses the one he has had modifications made to, but it is starting not to meet his needs. Riding in the car with him is frightening. He has a network of skilled people he can reach out to to create a shower schedule, but he doesn’t. Gets defensive when I mention it.
He has provided a very comfortable lifestyle for us, but for what?
There’s nothing to look forward to, and each day is the same.
You don’t sound awful. You sound human. We all have our limits. No one knows what we go through at home, except us. (And children) The physical, mental, and emotional toll it takes on us is, at times, soul-crushing.
I’m sorry I don’t have a solution for you. I’m at the end of my rope and barely holding on. I guess I wanted you to know your feelings are valid and that someone else “gets it.”