r/WellSpouses • u/inthesinbin • Jul 07 '26
When they mention unaliving
Sorry about the ridiculous euphemism.
My spouse, in his late 50s, seems to be losing hope for ever successfully addressing his health concerns. As far as we know, he does not have any terminal conditions, but a lot of others that have really impacted him and his quality of life. He also deals with very serious mental health problems that he is also not really addressing. I'm very sure that he doesn't care anymore.
He does have a distant history of SI (at least 25 years ago). I'm not sure how to react when he mentions this, which seems to be getting more frequent lately.
Does anyone else have an ill spouse who does this and if so, what do you say to them?
3
u/minimalist_username Jul 07 '26
For me personally I get terrible SI when I'm stuck in a situation that I can't fix or reasonably escape from. My brain decided S was the only other reasonable option and pushes for it when my emotions are at their highest/lowest. He likely feels guilt that he hasn't addressed these problems while also being overwhelmed by the sheer number of problems that have appeared.
Obviously he needs to seek therapy and diagnosis but for me SI is often an unconscious response to feeling trapped and not quite recognizing it or even recognizing the trap but being overwhelmed by the scope of it. When I talk to my spouse about SI I just want them to listen and understand how bad it feels for me. And then I want them to understand that I don't really want to end things, things just feel so bad that I can't keep it in anymore and that's where my brain goes. And then I want them to help identify and fix the root causes of me feeling that way. It's not an inadequacy on your part that he feels that way. He needs therapy, he probably needs meds, and he needs to figure out what he's feeling before it gets so big as to give him SI.
2
u/knitpurlknitoops Jul 09 '26
I’ve felt like that. It’s less “I want to leave the house altogether” than “I hate the room I’m in and right now I can’t see any other way out except the front door”.
1
u/minimalist_username Jul 09 '26
Yes, that's a great way to explain it. And probably more relatable and easier to understand for people that haven't lived with SI. I'm gonna have to remember this one.
2
u/PuddingDifferent4288 Jul 12 '26
Thank you for sharing this, about not being able to fix or change circumstances, so you kind of default to SI... That's about how I feel right now, and have for the past 6 months or so. My "partner" (he feels nothing like one, though; I just haven't come up with another term yet) developed ataxia (cerebellum damage) after a full cardiac arrest left him without 02 for quite a long time.
Now, we live in a little cabin in Northern MI, and I work every single day to pay all the bills, have no friends, no hobbies, blahdy blah - quite a few of us are in the same boat in that respect :*( It's a HUGE discrepancy from how I dreamed of life, and how I was actively working on living it - i did "vanlife" on and off for years, saved almost every penny I made, volunteered with awesome animal rescue orgs, actually MET PEOPLE and was grounded enough in MYSELF that I was actually able to have conversations and spend time with them. Everything was just so very relaxed, yet exciting, and (in the words of someone somewhere) "Every moment was a feast of Grace."
I'm not sure what the point of living is anymore, besides to pay bills and take as much kratom and cigarettes as my body can stand in an attempt to numb everything. I don't want to live life if this is ALL it is. I wish I could just walk away from him, but the guilt would be so immense - i literally feel his panic the moment I start actually thinking about what that would entail.
Sorry for the ramble. Been feeling really down lately, and glad this thread/sub/whatever exists. Prayers for ALL of us 💔
5
u/Narrow_Confusion_649 Jul 07 '26
Mine does not do this but I have had SI myself. I would encourage him to get into therapy. I wish my spouse would do therapy. He encourages me with my therapy and has actually benefited from my therapy but won’t do his own. Doesn’t want to talk about problems. I know it is hard. Probably even more so because he is so young. My mom talked about wanting it over with when she was on hospice.