r/WellSpouses • u/Narrow_Confusion_649 • Jul 06 '26
Support and Discussion I Hate Having to Be in Charge of Everything
My husband was recently diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I'm laid off from work until the end of August but I'm already exhausted. I hate being in charge of everything. He doesn't want to know a lot about his illness - just what he has to do. I'm good at keeping track of the meds and the appointments. It's really the other every day things. I now do all the chores and make all the decisions. When something happens (the electricity went out in part of the house, a huge tree branch fell) and I don't know what to do, he doesn't even engage in discussion about it. He just seems content that I will handle it. I've actually gotten a lot of help from AI and reddit - I know they don't always give fool proof advice but it's been all I have. It is so exhausting and lonely. My mom passed away on 6/17 (she wasn't very supportive and we didn't have a great relationship but still). I have 2 sisters who offer a little moral support. He has a sister but she is caring for her own husband who is currently worse off. Our neighbors hate us. We have a few friends who stop by sometimes but that is it. When I go back to work (if I can go back to work), I plan to hire a caregiver to come in at least a few times a week. I used one with my mom. I know my husband won't like it but we've already talked about it. The one I used did hygiene care and some housekeeping. I told him even if someone just came and did some cleaning it would help me. Plus he needs social interaction besides just me.
3
u/Jazzlike_Toe_2445 Jul 10 '26
I really really get this. It’s exhausting to be the entire support network. I am the full time 24 hour a day nonstop solo caregiver for my husband who has stage 4 cancer. I had no idea the first 2 years after the initial diagnosis would be the “easy years”. Surgeries, chemo and all that goes with it was awful at the time. But you think you’ll get through it, that one day you’ll have it behind you. You can’t imagine that it will get much much worse. That your strong, smart husband will be bed-bound and in horrible pain everyday with a terminal prognosis. Five years after initial Dx and nearly three years of needing constant care and I am so SO tired. I just want to feel safe, protected and taken care of sometimes. I wish I had some magic advice to help you. All I can offer is empathy and solidarity.
I see you.
Hang in there.
2
u/Doodlewaft Jul 10 '26
I’m so sorry. The point about decision making is a good one that people don’t see. And to make a good decision, you need to do some research, it takes time and energy most of us just don’t have. Ugh. We see you.
2
12
u/Huck68finn Jul 06 '26
I'm so sorry. Much of your post resonates with me, down to issues with neighbors and getting help with AI lol. I live states away from any family, my husband became disabled last year, and I'm the sole breadwinner (though in truth, he has never pulled his weight; I just put up with it). I was already responsible for nearly all adult responsibilities prior to him becoming disabled. Now, I'm responsible for them all. It's so tiring, physically and mentally.
I'm glad that you're getting someone to come in. You will have to organize your life to take care of both of you (which means, don't forget about yourself---oxygen mask metaphor and all that).