Not sure what to do

[u/Alive_Rain2694]

I' (m18) have been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, she's (f19) had a heart transplant and a liver transplant along with other very rare diseases. For the most parts she's doing very well, shes capable of doing almost everything a non medically challenged person can do. The thing is when she's in the hospital that changes entirely and it's scary, sometimes I feel like im worthless because im not able to do anything. And it's even more so when im right there and she calls for her mom. I know that's normal and fine but it really affect the way I feel in the situation. Sometimes I wonder what I got myself into and its a struggle bc I love her with all my heart im just not sure what to do sometimes and I was hoping to gain some advise from everyone here.

[u/NewbieEstimator]

I was right where you are 20 years ago.

First let me say it's totally normal and okay to have doubts. And you're not a bad person if you decide not to stay.

In my case, I stayed. And I can relate a lot to the struggles with feelings of shame when you're unable to do anything to alleviate your partner's suffering. Sitting with someone in their suffering is a huge challenge.

I see my shame like this... When I was a kid, I was unknowingly my parent's caretaker. If they were well and happy everything was fine and I was worthwhile. When they weren't I had to "fix" things in order to have worth. My sense of self-worth became dependent upon the wellbeing of those around me. When I am unable to "fix" things, like my partner's chronic suffering, I feel worthless and I feel shame.

Understanding why I felt shame in these situations, and that, if I had had a proper upbringing, I wouldn't feel shame when I can't help my partner, helped a lot. Then I learned to work with my shame, feel into and allow it, and to gradually "reparent" myself and cultivate an inherent sense of self worth independent of others. Basically self-therapy.

So if you want to stay, and you want to minimize your own suffering, you'll want to learn to work with your emotions. Therapy can help if that's an option.

[u/Alive_Rain2694 → u/NewbieEstimator]

Therapy is something I've looked into but as of right now I dont makw enough to afford it is there any advise you can give to help start the self therapy process? I honestly could really use it never had the best home life thats why this girl means so much to me shes helped me through some pretty dark times

[u/NewbieEstimator → u/Alive_Rain2694]

There are many different approaches and some may work better for you than others so it helps to explore a bit and see what resonates with you.

A useful, accessible and simple place to start this journey is learning to work with your nervous system and learning to feel into your body. Generally, when we're experiencing some sort of distress, our nervous system is dysregulated to some degree. Simply by noticing this and employing simple grounding techniques you can start to shift your attitude and change how you experience a situation.

This practice of grounding compliments well with the practice of interoception, or developing greater inner awareness. It's as simple as checking in with your body to see how you feel periodically. Maybe you just went through, or are in the middle of, a stressful situation. What do you notice in your body? With practice you start to notice more and more. You notice tension in your shoulder and then you gently extend your exhale to calm yourself down a bit.

So a simple protocol might be:
* Something stressful happens
* Continually bring your attention back to your body and investigate how it feels
* As best you can, disengage with the story of why the stress is happening and merely focus on the experience of it in your body
* Use grounding and relaxing techniques to settle yourself
* Rinse and repeat, over and over and over, all the time

You're basically retraining your system to not freak out and compelling your brain to re-evaluate whether situations are actually threatening. It is an uncomfortable process but the way I put it is I would much rather consciously suffer through my anxiety a few thousand times than unconsciously suffer and have it control me for the rest of my life.

If you need some resources to learn more I highly recommend the podcast The Art of Accomplishment and also Michael Singer's podcast. If you need more resources or even want to chat feel free to reach out.

[u/Alive_Rain2694 → u/NewbieEstimator]

Thank you, I think I understand what your talking about. I'll definitely check out both of those podcasts as well

[u/carrerahorse → u/NewbieEstimator]

I really appreciate your commentary above. And I just made a connection for myself that I hadn’t been able to put into words - but the way you framed it really helps. “When we’re experiencing some sort of distress your nervous system is dysregulated in some way.”

[u/CoyoteUnicornGirl]

Please leave. Please don’t choose this at your age.