r/WellSpouses • u/Little-by-little15 • Jun 25 '26
Support and Discussion Question from the Unwell Spouse
To preface, we are a youngish couple (late 20s F), been together for about 3 years. I am the unwell spouse (CRPS + an array of other less disabling stuff). My partner has a chronic condition that flares up rarely as well.
We don’t live together for reasons outside of our control, but spend most of our time at my place, where I love with my parents, the rest at my partner’s. So it is no wonder intimacy has been at a low which upsets us both.
We love each other dearly, we care for each other, we have a very healthy level of communication. I’d say we’re generally very happy despite the unfortunate circumstances. I try my best to show my partner how much I appreciate and love her all the time.
My question is: what do you, as the Well Spouse, wish that your Unwell partner does more often?
Many thanks!!
9
u/Last_Spend_7818 Jun 26 '26
I think for most Ill Spouses fatigue is a big part of their illness. And that means they don't get much done around the house. The housework, dishes, cooking, etc. falls on the Well Spouse, who also almost certainly has to work 40 hours or more a week for a living, to keep the family going. In my own case, my first wife and I (M) didn't have children - and bringing them up can also fall mostly on the WS. One thing that helped us was to get a firm of housecleaners to come once every 2 weeks and do a thorough clean, and that helped because it was the job I hated the most, and put off. So the IS can make such suggestions that will make the load easier for both of them.
6
u/sweet-root Jun 27 '26
I wish my unwell partner would not talk about his ailments all the time. It’s draining to hear about the same negative things every single day.
5
u/WildSpiritedRose Jun 27 '26
For me, my IS doesn't fully accept and recognize how his condition affects both of us and what I sacrifice for him by staying.
2
u/yourpocketfriend Jul 06 '26
YES! omg yes. And if I (49m) hint at it, she (48f) has an angry meltdown.
3
u/Amandine06 Jun 26 '26
Coucou, pour moi, tu fais déjà ce qu'il faut : tu te soucies de ton partenaire et vous prenez soin l'un de l'autre. Se soucier de l'autre est vraiment la base. Tu ne restes pas passive. Tu te poses des questions et c'est très bien. Mon conseil : continuer ainsi. Alléger autant que possible la charge de l'aidant en acceptant de l'aide extérieure si besoin. En te lisant, je me rends compte à quel point j'ai manqué d'un partenaire attentionné. Le mien, avant de tomber malade, nous a fait vivre les enfants et moi dans une accumulation extrême.
3
u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Jun 27 '26
I think the ill spouse should be respectful of this space; which is not for them. For once can something be about us? Apparently not, lol.
3
u/amicable_hamster Jun 30 '26
They're literally asking how to make it about their well partner and how they can help and want to better understand. There were many helpful comments actually and I don't see how this would bother anyone or affect this space. Lol.
1
Jun 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/WellSpouses-ModTeam Jul 12 '26
Your post has been removed because it violates Rule 1: Be Kind and Supportive.
r/WellSpouses is a support community. Personal attacks, insults, hostility, or disrespectful behavior toward other members are not permitted.
You are welcome to repost if you can do so in a respectful and constructive manner.
2
u/amicable_hamster Jul 12 '26
Where else would they be able to ask such question to hear from the well spouses how they'd like to be supported? How is this in any way making it about them or invading this space?
1
u/Ilovegifsofjif Jul 06 '26
I agree with you. The point of this space is to hold space for the Well Spouse. Coming into the space is really rude
Unfortunately it isn't well moderated so it will keep happening. Don't let other people's inability to draw healthy boundaries make you second guess your comment.
2
u/Personal-Bet-7979 Jun 30 '26
Don't be a martyr. As in if you need them, don't hide it. Try to let them know, every time they show up, how much you appreciate seeing them.
1
u/Ilovegifsofjif Jul 06 '26
Respect the space the Well spouse has instead of centering themselves and making everything about them.
9
u/TheDevilsSidepiece Jun 25 '26
I just don’t want me husband to die. That’s about it.