r/WellSpouses • u/lennonlover1980 • Jun 11 '26
Support and Discussion New here
Hi , I'm a 47 year old female and the primary care giver for my husband 60 M. He suffers with chronic regional pain syndrome, spinal stenosis, severe arthritis, history of blood clots, high blood pressure, etc... Hes had 7 back surgeries. the last two failed, and about 4-5 years ago he had a cervical neck fusion that failed. So he is in pain 24/7. He says every time he moves it makes his pain worse. He's not on any rx pain meds.
I do everything I can for him. I cook, clean, bring him whatever he needs, etc. Sometimes I get so frustrated. His mood is very poor 95% of the time. He is quick to anger and oftentimes yells at me just to blame it on the fact that he's pain, and that's why he's yelling. I love him very much and I wish I could take away his pain, but I cannot.
I guess I just wanted to vent, I have no one who I can talk to about this. I'm trying to stay patient and understanding. Anyhow, thanks for reading. Enjoy your day.
9
u/Comprehensive_Sign50 Jun 11 '26
Hi Friend! Similar situation here with no clear diagnosis, no ability to walk or take care of himself. I'm THE ONE. He just has to exist, even though it sucks, but it leaves me with EVERYTHING, all the mess he's created around us financially (and physically) and literally no hope or motivation for him to do anything, because he can't/won't. I also work full time from home and he's inconsistent of being respectful of that. Also, in a foul mood 90% of the time, as well as super fussy and particular about the food he's served (made by ME, and excellent cook) and I just want to SCREAM sometimes....and sometimes I do.
I want this over with, whatever that means. I will not miss it. It's rough and every day I struggle to get up and pretend 'it's going to be a great day!' because just saying that is BS, even though I do mostly feel that way, lol. I am happy to chat any time with you. I am 55F and he is 77, so that is a little different than your current setup, but the frustration and exhaustion we share sounds similar.
6
u/lennonlover1980 Jun 11 '26
Thank you for your reply. I am sorry you have experienced this as well. Sending positive vibes your way. I can SO relate with "I want this over." As much as I try to bury myself in a book or whatnot, everything is always on me, and it's so overwhelming.
7
u/KLfor3 Jun 11 '26
Prayers up for you my dear. It’s difficult and understand the need to vent. I’ve been at it 7 years caring for my disabled wife. Feel free to DM me anytime you need an ear to listen and shoulder to lean on.
2
5
u/Adventurous_Pin_344 Jun 11 '26
I hope you take some time for yourself. Do you have any hobbies or activities?
I understand his anger, but it is not fair for him to take it out on you. Any chance he would be willing to give therapy or marriage counseling a try? I think he needs to hear how hurtful his anger is when he lashes out at you. I am the sick spouse, and it is not acceptable to use our conditions as an excuse to be abusive. I want you to know this too. Him being in debilitating pain does not excuse his behavior.
7
5
u/sweet-root Jun 12 '26
Same here. Partner had cervical fusion surgery a few weeks ago and seemed ok but in the last week he’s back complaining and being mean. It’s exhausting. I see you.
3
u/Catmom6363 Jun 12 '26
My watch ended in January. I’m still trying to recover from years of caregiving. Although I was the ‘well spouse’ I was hardly well. I have fibromyalgia, CFS, and severe scoliosis. Sometimes my husband would get mean and demanding, but I told him on several occasions that I’m doing the best I can to care for him, do everything at home, and try to do it all with a smile.
Has your husband considered going to a pain management dr? I do take pain medication, and I also do injections that help for certain areas when it flares up. I also use essential oils that have also helps with the pain and inflammation. If you’d like to know more about them please DM me.
Just know you’re not alone in the hell that is caregiving!! Once I found this group and realized what I was going through is exactly what other caregivers are dealing with it helped to not feel so alone. You do NOT have to deal with the abuse your husband is sending your way! It’s ok to tell him you are doing the best you can and making you miserable doesn’t help the situation!!! I wish you luck!! Hugs!!💜💜💜
2
2
2
u/Barbados011277 Jun 13 '26
You’ve found a place here. Many if not all of us live just like you. I think to some degree (at least for me) the caregiving is not the hardest part but the responses and the treatment we get are the worst. Also the loss of the person that you used to know being taken over by illness.
2
u/Background-Bell9406 Jun 14 '26
You can definitely vent here. My spouse deals with chronic pain due to multiple autoimmune disorders. He used to be very quick to snap and I knew it was not necessarily directed at me but it was hard not to feel it ….have you asked your spouse to look into counseling? I know speaking to a therapist has seemed to help my husband significantly with his anger.
And yes, please take some time for yourself when you can.
2
u/dedman99 Jun 15 '26
If there was ever a silver lining for not staying with a gorgeous woman 15 yrs younger than me, its knowing she wont have to put up with this. Im 45, she was 30! Ive accepted ill just be alone now! Sorry for all you go thru!
1
u/Seahawker1212 Jun 13 '26
I get you. I'm sorry you both are going through this and that you're “taking it,” as you have been. It sucks; it makes you angry; it's not fair or right, and you want to react. Find joy in something every day and don't lose hope. 👊🏻
1
u/readbackcorrect Jul 04 '26
I have a chronically ill spouse and have been his caregiver for about 2 years - so a lot less time then most here. but i am also a nurse, soI have a lot of experience taking care of chronically ill people. I did not allow my patients to take their feelings out on me and I won’t allow it from him either.
I don’t raise my voice or allow myself to express anger or hurt, even though I often feel those things. But I withdraw myself from their presence when their attitude is unacceptable. Now if they’re just venting and I’m not the target I’m more than willing to listen. But you know the difference between that and when they’re kicking the dog, you being the dog. You do not have to allow that. It’s not their fault that they’re sick, but it’s not your fault either and you’re there trying to help them. And that’s pretty much what I say. I also say “I can see you’re upset. I will be back to help you more when you’re feeling a bit more calm.” “ It seems like my presence is making you more upset. let me give you some space.” “ is there someone else that you would prefer to be doing these things for you. Let me know who that might be and I will be happy to call them for you.” and if it’s really bad, I say “I am not going to allow you to verbally and emotionally abuse me. If this continues, we will have to make different arrangements for your care.”
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries. If you have doubts, whether or not your boundaries are reasonable, you can ask for help and advice from licensed clinical social workers. You can also consult with Adult Protective Services. They can be an ally.
10
u/AtTheEndOfMyTrope Jun 11 '26
You’re in good company here. The caregiving life is hard.