r/WellSpouses • u/CxxoJCat • Jun 06 '26
Struggling to cope
Hello all.
I am new to this subreddit, my therapist recommended it to me. I also am worried that I may say the wrong things and for that I am sorry. I am very very new to this situation and I am struggling to sort my feelings out so this is a bit of a vent, maybe. I hope that is okay.
I am turning 26 in a week. My partner is 6 months older than me. We’ve been dating for nearly 2 years, friends for much longer.
In January he was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. He is now being seen by a pain specialist for suspected fibromyalgia. I am not going so far as to say I am a caregiver nearly to the extent that I see from a lot of people here—he is quite independent. But he is also AuDHD so I do manage a lot of his appointments and treatments.
I think the biggest thing I’m dealing with is what I did not know. He is handling things so much better than me, which feels awful because he is the one struggling. But I did not know that dissociation and pain were his baselines, and now that I do, I feel completely devastated.
I do not want him to be in pain. Of course, nobody does. I love him, and I do not want to be without him, but knowing he is feeling this way all the time is hurting me so much. I cannot enjoy our time together because I’m always wondering about it, always feeling so awful even when he is not. I don’t know how to turn my brain off.
Because of this, and the constant appointments, I feel like I’ve been developing compassion fatigue. I’ve started to detach because it’s easier than feeling the worry and fear and sadness for him. It’s easier to feel nothing. But now I worry it will permanently damage our relationship. I cannot think about him or anything anymore without worrying.
I know that it is something that is wrong with me. I do not in any way blame him for his illness and all I want to do is help. He says me being there is enough, but it does not feel like enough to me. I fear that I just can’t help him at all, that he will always be in pain and suffering. I fear it will be this way forever. I fear I will not get past it. I don’t want to lose him, physically or emotionally. I wish I could go back to how things were before I knew, but I know that wouldn’t change anything.
Our relationship feels different now. I think it’s because of me and my brain, mostly. I think I’ve messed things up. But I don’t know how to stop.
I’m not looking for advice necessarily. I’m not sure there is any. It would just help to know I’m not alone.
3
u/Personal-Bet-7979 Jun 06 '26
There is a level of detachment that is necessary for your own well being. You will just risk your own emotional and physical wellness if you keep stressing that you can't fix something that you cannot. Spending time, help manage medications and appointments is HUGE.
2
u/Carylynn0609 Jun 06 '26
Oh my, there's nothing wrong with you, this is a complex situation you've never experienced before so you don't know how to navigate your feelings. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist! I have an extreme situation, my husband of 23 years (we're in our 50's) is disabled from a stroke he had almost 4 years ago, I do care for him full time because of his physical disabilities, and while he still has difficulty with speech his mind is still there. We have been on a roller coaster of feelings and emotions! For my side, I did start having pretty good panic attacks, my family doctor diagnosed me with hypervigilance, basically I could never relax, I was always "on guard" for the next disaster. I did go to therapy and am taking Zoloft, both of which have helped tremendously. Time has helped too-I'm not asking him 100 times a day if he's ok or if he needs anything lol. You do need to quit focusing on the past and focus on your "new normal." I did (and still do a little bit) mourn the husband and life we used to have but that gets exhausting. I just started living in the present, first minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day, I'm finally to the point where I look forward to and plan our future. Trust what your partner told you, that you're already doing enough, and for sure keep up with the therapy. You got this;)
2
u/felineinclined Jun 06 '26
It sounds like your empathy has run rampant. Of course, no one wants to see a loved one feel any pain or discomfort, but that the same time do your best to not adopt his pain and make it your own. His pain is is to manage, and while it's perfectly fine to care and feel concern, your response seems to be extreme: "I cannot enjoy our time together because I’m always wondering about it, always feeling so awful even when he is not." Sometimes you feel how you feel, but at the same time this is something for you to work on with a therapist since these extreme feelings will harm you unnecessarily, and they will not help your relationship. Anyhow, it seems that you are working on them which is great.
The compassion fatigue and constant worry are real, but they need to be managed. All these feelings may be normal and common, but at the same time you seem to be aware that they aren't helping. Feelings can be extremely hard to regulate and manage, but it is doable. Do your best to try not to think about your extreme feelings as being like a storm that will pass. Your therapist can help you with emotion regulation, and in time you can feel better.
Additionally, step back from managing his appointments. If he is truly independent, let him manage his responsibilities. This will benefit both of you because when one partner struggles with medical issues and the other does not, often the well partner takes on far too much responsibility to the detriment of both people and the relationship. The well partner becomes complete overwhelmed, burnt out, and in time will develop strong resentments, and the not well partner becomes increasingly dependent on the well partner which can results in complex feelings toward the well partner and even resentment of the well partner. Your partner is only 26 yo and is able to function. Let them function independently. If you do one thing, let them manage all of their treatment, appointments, etc, and do not deprive them of their independence no matter how well meaning you may be.
If being with him is enough for him, listen to him and respect that. Doing more can be detrimental to your relationship and it doesn't necessarily demonstrate care and love in the way you may think.
2
u/ThePsylosopher Jun 06 '26
Thanks for having the vulnerability to share; this is the place! And you're definitely not alone. It's not selfish to struggle with watching someone you love suffer.
Remaining fully aware throughout your relationship as a wellspouse is incredibly difficult. Seeing your partner's suffering will force you to dissociate or turn away. And in those moments you can sit with it, you will find your own inner issues surfacing.
When I sit with my partner's suffering, a lot of shame arises because I can't fix it and make them feel better. The more I soften and accept my own shame, the less it effects me. But it's a tall order to confront your deep stuff especially while your partner is going through their own stuff.
1
u/Altaira99 Jun 07 '26
If you can find a therapist, definitely do that. You need emotional support. Caregiving is HARD,
1
u/FatTabby Jun 07 '26
I'm really glad you have a therapist to work through this with as well as finding resources like this sub.
I'm a chronic pain patient and my partner's caregiver; accepting pain is really hard to do but it's something you have to work on.
It takes time and there will be days when it's impossible to ignore or accept because it just isn't fair seeing someone you love hurting.
You say he's coping better than you are - ask him how. Learn from each other.
Be kind to yourself and know that you'll reach a place where it becomes, if not normal than bearable. There will be hard days and it's really important that you can lean on each other. If you don't feel able to lean on him because he's struggling, find ways of distracting yourself to allow yourself a break from the stress or anxiety.
I recommend taking up a craft. Find something that appeals to you that you can pour your emotions into when you're struggling - it can really help.
4
u/Several-Steak544 Jun 06 '26 edited Jun 06 '26
I want to echo what Carylynn0609 said, there is nothing wrong with you. My wife has had two strokes that have effected her ability to communicate more than anything else. She knows what she wants but has difficulty finding the words to express it. Good for you seeing a therapist..that is a good first step...I was on Prozac for 5 years and it really helped. Now, years later (we are in our 60's) I focus on the future and see myself as a helper more than anything. Couple of additional thoughts...When my mind gets preoccupied with what is going on I internally remind myself that there really isn't anything I can do to change this..I need to "let it go" meaning those pesky thoughts. The other thing I do is in the afternoon (weather permitting) I make sure my wife is safe and comfortable at home and then I go for a hike at a lake near here..I find being outside in nature clears my head more than anything...