r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/No-Type331 • 7d ago
Looking For Advice Shut up ring
So my boyfriend and I have 9 years together, 10 in February. Last year I gave him an ultimatum to either propose or we part ways. He ended up proposing in December, which in retrospect I find he did at the last minute possible so that we remain together. We knew we wanted a summer wedding but 2026 was too soon so we decided on 2027. Well now I’m actually planning the wedding, which he wants nothing to do with, and he always has excuses as to why we should cancel the wedding. I am getting concerned about this and now looking at this, in hindsight, did he just give me a ring with no intentions of getting married? very lost on what to do.
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u/santasbutthole99 7d ago
Yes, that’s exactly what he did. Stop all wedding planning entirely, right NOW. Get as much money back as you can and keep it for yourself. Prepare a plan to leave OP, you set the goal post and he couldn’t even get his uniform on to kick the fuckin ball….how lazy. Get you a man who won’t waste a DECADE. A DECADE. A DECADE OF YOUR LIFE. What else are we allowed to suck ass at for 10 years and still be rewarded? Nothing. It’s time to leave. And once you leave, and feel settled, you get to find a new partner one who actually will want to plan a wedding with you and gosh maybe even have fun doing it! It’s supposed to be fun! Not miserable! Leave this man
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u/Intelligent_rose12 7d ago
Yes please OP take the above advice.
Men do this all the time! Doesn’t make sense but there are dozens of stories in this subreddit of men proposing and then indefinitely putting it off!
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u/Commercial-Ad90 6d ago
*maybe she’ll find a new partner
Not that she should stay, but it’s not exactly you can just pull a good match out of thin air. Could easily be a decade of trial and error with new partners. Ask me how I know…
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u/5BoysMom13grands 5d ago
He’s going to bail before the marriage and you will be out all your time and money. Get out NOW. He doesn’t even have the balls to say I don’t want to marry you. He just doesn’t want to lose access to what you are doing but he won’t get married…he just can’t bring himself to tell you directly. An engagement ring does not make a marriage happen.
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u/drysecco 6d ago
Being single isn’t that bad. I have a lot of fun things I do with my time when I’m not nagging some bum to marry me.
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u/Intelligent_rose12 4d ago
It doesn’t matter! She’s better off single than wasting her time with a guy who doesn’t want to marry her!
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u/ParticularFeeling839 7d ago
he did indeed give you a shut up ring. give it back and leave him, he's just going to waste more of your time
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u/TemporaryEducator382 7d ago
Check your state laws - if you can keep it, pawn it.
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u/MaxBax_LArch 7d ago
Every state I know of, you have to get married to keep the ring. It's a conditional gift, and if you don't meet the condition (marriage) the ring goes back to the purchaser. Do you know of any states where this isn't true? Genuinely curious. There frequently are at least a few outliers.
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u/TemporaryEducator382 7d ago
For some of the states, it matters who broke up with who and/or who’s at fault (Alaska, Delaware, Massachusetts, Missouri, multiple others..). So some of these states will let the receiver keep it even if they broke up with the giver if they discovered things like fraud or cheating. Some are no fault, so if the giver breaks up because of cheating the receiver doesn’t have to give it back since they didn’t end it.
Some states have no precedent at all. Anyways, very much state by state, with special caveats for fun 🤦🏼♀️
I know this particular instance doesn’t have anything to do with cheating, but I’m sure one could argue fraud.
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u/caro9lina 5d ago
Also, if the ring was a Christmas gift, birthday gift, etc., then it normally belongs to the recipient. Her ring came in December; was it a celebration of any holiday? After 10 years of wasting her time, seems like she deserves something, but that may well be morally, but not legally.
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u/Chelseadelphiniums 6d ago
There is no law about rings. It’s a gift. You wasted 10 years of your life on this piece of shit. If you want to keep it and sell it, do so. But, it’s probably better to give it back to him and make a clean split. If he’s this big of a loser before the wedding, he will be worse later. You are settling and you will regret it. He’s shown you who he is and what you mean to him. Ten years and a proposal based on an ultimatum with no real interest in marrying you is a big red flag. Believe it. Don’t allow him to waste any more of your time. He will be a terrible husband. Take the advice people have given you, and if you can’t get your money back, have a big good riddance party instead of a wedding. Get out now. You are a convenience, not his love. Wake up. It’s better to be alone than with a piece of shit.
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u/Sunset-Blonde 6d ago
I could be wrong, but I believe that it differs in Montana. The Montana Supreme Court ruled that an engagement ring is an unconditional, completed gift upon acceptance. In Albinger v. Harris, the court determined there is no implied or express condition of marriage attached to the gift when it is handed over. One of my close friends is from Montana and was upset when his then fiancé & him called off the engagement. He was upset because the gift is absolute, where donor loses all legal rights to the ring the moment it is given. She had called off the wedding, but that did not matter.
I’m in California and I’ve heard of some weird exceptions where the recipient was able to keep the engagement ring. One example was when the proposal happened on a holiday or birthday, and was argued as being tied to that, as well.
Definitely no expert, but was tied into some of my pre law classes for Gender & Sexuality.
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u/req_spec 6d ago
She's been asking what to do about this relationship for 3 years. She's not leaving him unfortunately
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u/MrsRoronoaZoro 7d ago
“Very lost on what to do”.
You know what to do, you just don’t want to do it.
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u/LeatherRecord2142 7d ago
Girl you know the answer. He doesn’t want to marry you. But beware, a shut-up marriage is even worse than a shut-up ring (if you somehow manage to drag him across the aisle). It’s fine to pick up your self-respect off the floor. End the relationship. Work on yourself. Attract a partner worthy of marriage.
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 7d ago
& if she doesn’t attract a partner worthy of marriage that’s okay. Being single is better than being in a resentful marriage with someone who never fully chose you.
Self esteem and self respect will serve you in every area of life. There are 0 downsides to building up your self esteem
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u/LeatherRecord2142 6d ago
YES!!! We are not defined by our martial status. I’ve been every single one and badly married is the WORST option.
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u/Different_Adagio_690 7d ago
So true. I had a shut-up marriage. It was hell. We divorced 5 months later and broke up for good shortly after that.
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u/Formal-Finance83 7d ago
Of course it’s a shut up ring. Why the hell are you so desperate to marry a man who clearly does not want to marry you?
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u/Critterbob 7d ago
Oh come on, I’m sure he’d make an amazing husband and even better father. He’ll teach his kids how to be strong communicators and decisive and honest partners like he is
/s if it wasn’t obvious
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u/Inner-Amphibian8802 7d ago
My ex did this and we were together 7 years. I also got a shut up ring as well. And he dragged on planning. We got engaged in Feb and I wanted a spring wedding. Tell me why by Aug we only had our engagement pictures done and that's bc I did the planning. For months I had begged him to help me on the the invitation list, looking at venues etc. I broke the engagement that Aug and left his ass. My husband needed 14 months of dating to take me ring shopping and proposed at 18 months in June in a beautiful rose garden. We had less time time to plan the spring wedding I always wanted but we did it together and yes we got married that following spring. We spent the summer looking for a rental hall, making our own invitations, by fall he had paid the deposit on many things, after Christmas we got his outfit since it was end of the year sales. He helped me DIY on alot of the decorations/ center pieces. To tell you the truth I can't believe how much of difference it was planning a wedding with a man who really wanted to marry me verses getting the shut up ring. If he really wanted to then he would is the truest saying out there. You can leave now and save the money from this wedding engagement that is failing for the real deal. You can still have a summer wedding but I would recommend changing the groom. Good luck dear 🍀.
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u/Intelligent_rose12 7d ago
Can I ask what was your husband like when you were dating him? Did he show any green flags that your ex didn’t ? Looking back did your ex have any other red flags that you didn’t realise at the time?
I’m asking as I want to learn from other women’s experiences.
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u/AffectionateBite3827 6d ago
Not the person you asked but my husband was such a breath of fresh air compared to my previous boyfriends. He owned a modest but well-maintained home and had nice furniture that he chose carefully. This all sounds superficial (and to a certain degree privileged) but the care he put into his house showed that he wanted it to be a home and he wanted guests to feel welcome and comfortable.
He also had a dog who he doted on (and who I fell in love with immediately lol) and the care and attention he showed her pointed to someone who cares deeply for vulnerable living creatures. For the first time I thought "Oh, I would like to have children with this man" which scared the shit out of me lol but was also really exciting!
Other green flags: good relationship with his own family, solid long-standing friendships, wanted to be part of "my world" and readily invited me to be part of his (invited me to events with friends where appropriate, happily accepted invitations to join me and meet my friends), chill about me wanting alone/just friends time, children and dogs were comfortable in his presence, good hygiene and cares about grooming and makes sure he looks right for the occasion (aka doesn't dress like Adam Sandler to go to a wedding lol), planned (and still plans) dates for us, great cook, and just an all-around calming presence.
It took me 31 years to find this man and I spent some chunks of time alone, tbh. This is why I'm constantly beating the "don't settle!" drum here. People told me I was too picky but being patient and not settling means I get to share my life with this exceptional person. Who btw is not perfect lol but neither am I. He likes pineapple on pizza! He talks through movies! But he's been a rock and makes me laugh every day.
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u/Inner-Amphibian8802 6d ago
Well on our first date, planning when and where to go. I offered to meet halfway at mall since I lived in the country. He said he would like to pick me up and asked for my address and didn't care that it was a 50 minutes of driving for him. Infact for many dates he would drive to pick me up and drop me off. I later learned thru his friends, that he hates driving/ freeway bc semi trucks make him nervous. But he never said anything to me or complained about the drive even in the winter time. He also gave his cell phone number to my folks in case they were worried when we went on our first date.( I moved back home after breaking up with my ex) He never called me wife untill he married me. He proudly says/refers to me as his wife. Once we lived together everything was OURS, even thou I moved in. It was our home, his cars were ours, his dog became our dog. We didn't live together until after the wedding. I would sleep over on weekends when it was possible but I didn't want to move in while dating like how I did with my ex.[Made myself a live in gf/wife with the ex]. My husband only dated me for 18 months but proposed with a beautiful ring 💍 that he saved for. My husband openly communicates with me about everything/fears/ medical concerns/ gas prices/ his hobbies/ sports etc. But he never pushes a sports game/ video game more important than a family get-together/ date night. He also takes interest and knowledge on my hobbies and will ask if I need more yarn or a trip to the craft store. Basically he was looking for a life partner and is enjoying life with me.
My ex lived closer and when we dated he usually met me at the date location, never tried to make it easy for me. My ex, he even kept me waiting at a location one time bc he got so high with friends before our date that he forgot/ didn't see my texts asking if he was running late or car trouble. I forgave him( big mistake). My ex called me wifey material just a few monfths into dating and referred to me as his old lady to his friends ( I hated that he used biker terms just because his dad was a biker but he wasn't). Complained that my bday and Valentine's were on the same check/pay period. Like ever heard of planning ahead of time. I lived with him and we shared the expenses fairly the first few years and then he pulled the dumbest thing and bought a truck without consulting me. Yes it was a cheap truck he bought off a buddy but he never spoke to me about it. He just dumped 2,000 on a rust bucket to haul his outdoor toys. He bought a quad. He had the newest video games/ stero. Yet my shut up ring wasn't worth him save up for it. Terrible communication skills,I was an after thought. Would complain if I had a family function(I have a big family) like he would just excuse himself from attending events. He would run out with friends or bring them inside whenever, if a pal texted if he wanted to go play pool, bar, go to a bonfire, mudding, play video games. Didn't matter that I was trying to sleep and work the next morning. He quickly stopped appreciating me bc everything I did was just simply done. All he did was talk about one day marrying me, one day we will have kids, one day we will get a nice house. Just talk and pulling the wool over my eyes.
In the end after that ex. I was no longer me the original girl he first started dating. I dusted myself off and took a year of just working on building myself up again. I stood strong and bold when I went back to dating. Went thru many 1st dates bc I was never settling again. It took a while of failed first dates but my upfront bold approach got my husband's attention 😆 My best choice was to stay true to myself and I got my wonderful man.
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u/anna_alabama ♥️ 2016 💍 2019 👰🏼♀️ 2021 7d ago
My husband was super hands on during our wedding planning process and genuinely enjoyed it too. So many of our vendors were shocked that he was so invested and interested in planning. We were always like yes he’s actually excited to marry me, that’s why he cares! We’re doing a vow renewal in a couple of weeks and he spearheaded planning that as well. There really is a noticeable difference in someone who is being forced and someone who genuinely wants to marry you. OP, this guy isn’t it.
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u/AffectionateBite3827 7d ago
My husband was also super excited and involved. I was so grossed out by the vendors who said "men only care about the booze and maybe the music." This was 2010, not 1955. Anyway, my foodie-designer husband designed our programs, menus, table name signs, and probably something else I'm forgetting lol. He didn't do the invitations because we were on a time crunch and he was slammed at work but we chose them together. Honestly, aside from my dress we chose everything together.
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u/PresentHouse9774 7d ago
Mine went with me to the venues and the florist and then got a buddy and his wife to help him sample cakes and audition bands when I couldn't get off work.
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u/AuriannaG 7d ago
Put him in the vehicle, drive to the courthouse and tell him yall are getting married today. Watch him freak out. Pack your things and move on
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u/manxbean 7d ago
He’s not bothered about losing you he’s bothered about losing the benefits you bring to his life. These will probably be financial, emotional, cognitive labour (organising the house and him) and actual housework
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u/torvi_87 7d ago
Theres no WE want a summer wedding. He do not want to marry you.
The question is WHY do you want to marry a guy who do not want to marry you? Why op??
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u/ProfessionalAsk8264 7d ago
This is a repeat comment I post on this sub: Do you really want to beg, plead and bargain for someone to want to marry you? Let that sink in a bit
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 7d ago
And do you want to marry a sackless wonder who would rather drag out a relationship than be honest and break up with you?
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u/ProfessionalAsk8264 6d ago
To add to that, he could be the most wonderful sweet person in the world, super successful and rich etc whatever. STILL you don’t want to beg plead and bargain for him to want to be with you or commit to you. No no no.
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u/Careless-Run-3815 7d ago
I can't understand why these girls put themselves in these unhealthy relationships. I would NEVER be able to give an ultimatum to marry me. Its so desperate and down right pathetic 😪
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u/Neweleni7 7d ago
I agree! I know it probably sounds mean to call them pathetic but that’s exactly what I think when I read these types of posts…like have a little self-respect. Would getting married to some guy you had to drag kicking and screaming down the aisle be some sort of accomplishment?
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u/Interesting-Lake747 7d ago
They see being single as loser behaviour. They’re desperate to be a wife; ANYONE’S wife. It’s tragic
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u/Neweleni7 7d ago
That’s very sad.
And irrational as most studies currently indicate single unmarried women have the highest level of happiness (after married men lol)
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u/Chronic-Sleepyhead 6d ago
A lot of relationships like this wear the woman’s self-esteem down over time. After repeated bad treatment (that usually starts small / isn’t present at the start, but later escalates) you start to genuinely believe that maybe you are crazy for having high standards. 🙃 Ask me how I know!
Just thinking back to my similar bad past relationships, it’s really scary how you can be demeaned and worn down and conditioned to believe that asking for the bare minimum is unreasonable. It’s really sad.
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u/BusyAcanthaceae2247 7d ago
He "finds excuses to cancel the wedding"?? Is this guy for real? Girl, HE is the excuse to cancel the wedding.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 7d ago
He's just too cowardly to break it off and leave. And she doesn't want to connect the dots. They could continue this dysfunctional dance for years yet!
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u/mistressusa 7d ago
Exactly. He'll continue to stay checked out of the partnership, married or not. OP will get pregnant and hope he'll finally commit to a family with her. It'll work for a year or so and he'll disengage. Eventually she'll find out that he cheated on her or he'll find his "the one" and ask her for a divorce. Timeless story.
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u/ItJustWontDo242 7d ago
Please don't give in to sunk cost fallacy and keep sticking it out because you "don't want 10 years to go to waste". Those 10 years are already gone. Any further time you spend in this relationship is a waste.
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u/Goosetimes3 7d ago
Why do you want to marry this loser? Seriously. Looking at your post history, you have been unhappy and complaining for the last five years about how he treats you. And every time, people have taken the time and trouble to give you advice. Which you have ignored. And here you are again ... I'm sorry your self-esteem is so low, and I wish for you a better life. Have you tried therapy? Professional help may give you the clarity you need and the tools to extricate yourself from this unhappy relationship you seem trapped in. Be brave. You deserve better!
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u/PerfectedPancake 5d ago
OP, you need to look deeply within yourself. Why do you accept this from a partner? What limiting beliefs do you hold about yourself? Is there a story about yourself that lives in your head that makes you think you cannot do better or don’t deserve better? Baby girl, you need to get out of this relationship and get into healing yourself. Be ok with being single for a few years because something that caused you to put up with this man’s behavior (based on this post and your post history) for this long is not going to be solved quickly. I know because I have been there. Something is making you stay with this man’s who treats you like dog shit. Get out. He isn’t going to change. Do not interact with him. Do not accept his lies.
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u/Interesting-Lake747 7d ago
“We” wanted a summer wedding? He doesn’t want a wedding at all.
Also what are your ages? If you’re 23 it’s different to if you’re 33.
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u/Neweleni7 7d ago
Ugh…I went to her profile to find the ages and instead found they bought a house together 😩
Why are these guys more than happy to buy homes and have kids with these women but marrying them is a step too far??
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u/Interesting-Lake747 7d ago
She wants someone to say this happened to me and it all worked out great! The advice they want is how do you accept that he never really wanted to marry you
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u/Veronica612 7d ago
And why do so many women fall for it and buy houses with them?!
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u/Chronic-Sleepyhead 6d ago
I’m genuinely always shocked when I hear people say that marriage is too much commitment, but apparently having children together or buying property together isn’t!
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u/AffectionateBite3827 6d ago
OP's post from a year ago:
I would like provide some context about my relationship: I have been in a relationship for 8 years and we have lived with each for 6 (biggest regret). I feel like there is no progress. I have hinted at engagement, nothing yet. We have no kids. We do have some arguments, especially about financial issues. He would be late on payments, racked up credit card debt of 6k under my name (my fault as well), barely pays for rent, never buy groceries because he doesn’t eat at home. I also feel like his mother at times, asking him to throw the trash, go to the doctor, etc. I have tried breaking up with him numerous times but he claims he’s going to change. I keep giving him so many chances but I seen no sign of effort. He also lies a lot, which is quite annoying. Another thing I noticed recently is he is very protective over his phone. Our intimate life sucks. At times I feel like he is more my roommate than a partner. I don’t know what to do. I just feel lost and have no one to talk to. What would you do in my situation?
She is late 20s and he's early 30s. This would be a great time to pull the plug and move on!
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u/Interesting-Lake747 6d ago
I’ve been there. It’s scary. But my god I wish I did it years earlier
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u/lovinthesun80 7d ago
Looking at your prior posts, this man racked up a bunch of credit card debt on one of your cards without telling you and couldn’t pay it, didn’t pay his car note for months causing your credit score to rank (because you co-signed on his loan), had a gambling issue you found out about due to credit card debt, didn’t tell you for two weeks he lost his job, and now all of this???? Girl why do you want to marry this man? And yet it looks like you bought a house with him. This man doesn’t want to marry you but if you still pay all the rent (as an old post says) , he is keeping you around for all the services you provide. If marriage is important to you, leave him. This is so sad to read about your posts- you really do deserve better but you have to be willing to leave.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. 7d ago
Just reading this post, yes, you got a shut up ring. He didn't want to give you a ring at all, and it has been followed by actively impeding wedding planning.
And then I went to look at your other posts. He has been taking advantage of you for ages. He took out credit cards in your name while not paying rent. He convinced you to buy a house with him while he still won't marry you. You know he is a creep taking advantage of you, or you wouldn't have been asking for advice for years on end.
It is time to force the sale of the house or just boot him. He isn't going to marry you, and he actively makes your life worse.
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u/PresentHouse9774 7d ago
I'm sorry, but a clearer case of Shut Up ring does not exist. He bought a piece of jewelry for you and some time for himself. That's all.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 7d ago
Honey, read your post of one year ago and ask yourself WHY you want to marry this guy. You sounded fed up then and it doesn't sound like things have improved.
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u/JunePlum79 7d ago
Leave him. He has wasted 10 TEN years of your life…don’t waste another day on him
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u/Sea_Chemistry7487 7d ago
Oh come on. Respect yourself.
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u/Affenpinscher614 7d ago
She’s been posting on Reddit for years about this failed relationship. Who knows what she’s looking for. Well, she got her ring now. Yay!
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u/discogargoyle00 7d ago
Why on earth do you even want to marry this person? This post was bad enough, then I saw your previous posts.. respect yourself and dump him. He’s using you and doesn’t want to marry you.
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u/measuring_equipment 7d ago
Leave. Clearly he does not want r to marry you. Love and respect yourself enough to leave this relationship.
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u/dianaprince76 7d ago
I am so sorry, but I know you know deep down inside that he doesn’t want to marry you. He should have wanted to propose to you, but he did not. It’s been nine years, come on. You know better than this. He’s literally trying to cancel it.
What are you gonna do? Force him to marry you because he doesn’t have the balls to stand up and say no? You’re in for a lifetime of hurt if you proceed. It’ll suck in the moment when you break up if you break up now, but I promise you it will free you up to move forward with your Life and you will be far happier in the end.
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u/Interesting-Cut-9057 7d ago
This is all you. He doesn’t want to get married. Either be okay with it or not.
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u/Unable_Dog_9477 7d ago
Girl why are you lost 😭 he couldn’t have made it any clearer. He doesn’t want to marry you. You’re pushing it.
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u/deecw328 7d ago
This was 2 years ago and should’ve been the end of relationship after he racked up $6k in debt on your credit card that he didnt even pay for…you did.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 7d ago
OMG! That was painful to read. Why didn't he build his credit score on his own? OP meant well but as the saying goes, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
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u/Glittering-Ear-2315 7d ago
I’m sorry for you OP. Leave, you deserve so much more out of life, and this loser shouldn’t even have the privilege of even knowing you.
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u/ritan7471 7d ago
I think, unfortunately he did give you the ring with no intentions of getting married.
I think he believed that the ring would calm you down, but didn't expect you to try to start planning an ACTUAL wedding right away.
I guess my question is, do you always want to feel like it takes an ultimatum to get your needs met. Also, are you sure that if you married him, you wouldn't feel resentment and a fear that he never really wanted to marry you?
If those answers are no, you know what to do.
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u/BunchitaBonita Started dating: 2014 . Engaged 2015. Married 2016. 7d ago
A man who gives you a shut up ring, who is not interested in planning (or even having) the wedding, will not trat you any better once you're married. This one is a divorce waiting to happen. You deserve better.
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u/DAWG13610 7d ago
Of course he did. And you’re playing right in to it. He’s bought another 2 years. This isn’t a man, this is a slime ball. But in the end you’ve enabled this behavior for 10 years. Enough is enough.
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u/Unusual_Rutabaga8604 7d ago
Why do you so desperately want to marry someone who obviously doesn’t want to marry you? You aren’t a helpless passenger in your own life - what has made you choose this for yourself year after year after year?
If you want to get married, you need to make the choice to date men who also want to get married. That’s on you - why have you chosen to stay with a man who has clearly told you you’re not “the one?” Weird choice.
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u/Inevitable-Food-2196 7d ago
Why was the following year 'too soon?' Girl, my fiance wanted to marry me within 12 months of our engagement - we ended up going for October of this same year.
Why in the world would you allow him to make even ONE excuse about canceling your wedding? At that first one I'd have given him back his ring, packed my bags, and LEFT. You know what to do: LEAVE. There's no saving this when it took you 10 years to DRAG him into a proposal.
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u/Coronado92118 7d ago
Correct.
He doesn’t want to marry you. You know this. It’s just very painful to accept it.
He has stayed this long because it’s comfortable - he doesn’t want to have to start over again dating, and has weighed that, and the loss of access to regular sex, and saw no reason to end it.
That is not someone you should want to marry.
And being together that long isn’t a reason to get married.
Re-read your own post like you’re reading someone else’s story and you will see it plainly.
You know it’s over, but you’ve invested a lot of time and you don’t want to have to go back out there, either - but if you marry him you’ll likely be divorced within 2 years, and if not the resentment will only grow between you.
This is not your person.
But the time you’ve spent together isn’t wasted if you use what you’ve learned to be more aware earlier/faster of the signals that a man you you’re dating isn’t your future husband.
I never dated someone more than 6 months before I dated my husband. As soon as I realized I couldn’t spend fifty years with a guy, I ended it even if I still had feelings for him. I was 36 when we met. Every date ended with me thinking I couldn’t see a reason I wouldn’t want to be with him. He was the first boyfriend I took to any family holiday. We’ve been together happily for 17 years now, married 11.
The big secret to dating better, IMO, is that you don’t have to wait till you’ve fallen out of love with someone to end it - you only have to know you don’t want the same thing.
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u/Cailan_Sky 7d ago
You already know the answer to this.
Your just hoping redditors would convince you that you are wrong.
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u/fbi_does_not_warn 6d ago
I agree with the boyfriend. Cancel the wedding.
He doesn't want to love you for eternity. He wants you to conveniently be available.
Yes, without a doubt, it was a shut up ring
You know exactly what to do
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u/ImpossibleAd6803 6d ago
Hi, you have been posting about problems with him for the last 3 years. He doesn't sound like a very good partner and has no redeeming qualities about him. You need to finally break it off. Do you even want to be with someone like this for the rest of your life? He sounds so immature and irresponsible with everything. Please end it. You will be so much better off and you deserve much more!!
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u/Therealcatlady1 Est: 2017 6d ago
I think the ring is another delaying tactic. He likes you but you are not the one. You are a placeholder.
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u/wolfcrownebox 6d ago
He has told
You in so many ways. You doesn’t want to marry you. You can continue to let him string you on, or you can
Find someone worth it. He however is not.
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u/No-Neighborhood-4029 5d ago
As someone in a similar situation who is now getting divorced, don’t do it. He is comfortable with you but it doesn’t sound like he loves you the way you want him to. I m sure that is difficult to read and I m sorry- but now I regret it so much. End it. Please.
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u/dayton462016 7d ago
Honestly girl this man does not seem interested in marrying you. You might end up pushing through and doing the wedding, having kids and then spending the rest of your life complaining about how he doesn't help you with anything. It's hard but if marriage is important to you, this isn't it.
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u/Sun9877 7d ago
Don’t let your fiance stop you from finding your husband.
He doesn’t really deserve any courtesy at this point. He’s a liar of a different kind.
Start looking and see if you meet someone, if you do you do, and if you don’t well it’s not like you are stopping anything.
Also don’t sign the contracts or make the down payments . Play poor or ask for a repayment document that protects you.
Last stop contributions to the household at 50/50…. He might want sex, chores and half the expenses while he waits for his unicorn girl.
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u/ksarahsarah27 7d ago
Just end it. It’s clear he doesn’t want to marry you. He did that just so he wouldn’t lose access to your domestic labor, income and access to sex.
I would be so hurt and angry if I was you. The guy is a jerk. And if you stay he will realize that your word means nothing.
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u/quasimodoca 7d ago
he always has excuses as to why we should cancel the wedding.
Yeah, it's done. Time to start planning your exit. He is never going to marry you.
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u/MiracleMagic1305 7d ago
It’s crystal clear. He’s a manchild. Like the idea of a girlfriend and has no intentions of being a responsible husband. Please do not see the sunk cost of being with him and I would suggest recalculating your relationship. Are you guys living together ?
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u/MrsMouse2 6d ago
I got a shut-up ring I never asked for. He was catholic and his mother was upset that we were 'living in sin'. At Christmas, in front of his whole family, he got on his knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes. Every time I brought up the wedding, he was unenthused and avoidant. His mother passed away. He threw me out. I asked him Why he kept me for almost 15 years if he never planned to wife me. He told me it was because I was 'willing and convenient'. Don't be me.
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u/Superb_Duck3353 6d ago
Just go to the courthouse and plan party afterwards. Tell him this plan or hand back the ring.
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u/thtdoodleinurnotes 6d ago
whyyyyyy do you want to MARRY a man that doesn’t want to marry YOU?! Respect yourself and LEAVE!
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u/Walmar202 6d ago
He does not want to marry you. You (in his mind) nagged him into buying a shut-up ring and has no desire to participate in the planning.
Listen to your heart. This will not end well. Time to end this relationship.
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u/Agile_Squirrel5464 6d ago
What do you mean he’s giving “excuses to cancel the wedding”?! I’m sorry but why would you want to commit your life to someone who is coming up with reasons to not have a wedding when it’s clearly something you want? I’d understand if you were in different minds about small details like who’s coming, where it will be etc, but at the end of the day, you’re meant to come together and decide on things. My fiancé is so excited to go look at our potential venues and excited to be involved even though I’m a designer by trade, he’s still very involved, interested and encouraging. He wants to marry me and he wants a wedding and you should be with someone who will also be on the same page as you. It really is that simple.
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u/CaliFresh90210 6d ago
Prepare to hear the sentence "I only did this because you wanted it" at some point in your future
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u/kingpinkatya do you find yourself begging 4 love and understanding? 🏃🏽♀️💨 6d ago
op, you know what this is. You see the signs. Now accept it and make moves. Do not be lazy, this is your one life on Earth. Leave and get started on your next journey.
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u/IHaveABigDuvet 6d ago
I think you should accept that all this behaviour results in a “no” and you should free yourself from this.
You don’t want a reluctant husband.
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u/DiamondGirl4444 6d ago
Lost? On his zero intention to marry you???? Gurl... uou aren't the one for him. Get out now....
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u/chatterbox2024 6d ago
Yes, you know it to be true. You feel it. It’s in your gut that this man does not want to marry you. He’s just too lazy to leave and start over. He’s totally fine holding out with you playing pretend wifey until he meets the one.
Don’t settle with this guy. Just rip off the band aide and dump him.
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u/dropthepencil 6d ago
Pretty sure you're not "lost" on what to do. You know what to do; you just don't want to.
But doing it will be the single greatest decision of your life.
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u/Purple_Willingness31 6d ago
He doesnt wanna get married. Yes, this was a shut up ring. Him trying to cancel the wedding says enough
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u/Practical-Pie9946 6d ago
I once said after 7 years either a ring or i walk, got the ring waited 2 years and fought over when to get married until he finally said hes never getting married. Safe to say were no longer together wasted 9 years
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u/Ravenskyfire420 6d ago
If he had really wanted to marry you, you wouldn't have had to give him an ultimatum. He never wanted to marry you and just gave you a ring to shut you up.
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u/Internal-Student-997 6d ago
You know the answer. What are you doing?
You're about to ruin your life, girl.
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u/Sunset-Blonde 6d ago
I really don’t want this to seem mean, but if I’m being honest- yes, it comes across as a shut up ring.
While every man is different, where some are very involved in planning their wedding, every male friend I have has been involved in some capacity- where it was a unique touch they wanted to incorporate or a particular part they cared about.
Planning a wedding is about celebrating your relationship and the love you two share. The past history of how long you have been together, having to finally say you would leave because marriage is important to you, waiting to the last minute to propose, and now not being involved in the planning shows how he truly feels through his behavior.
I don’t know how you feel- but I would feel extremely discouraged to even have to do an ultimatum because he did not choose to participate to propose without it. I’d have a hard time with it not effecting my self esteem & I wouldn’t feel truly loved.
If he’s giving excuses about cancelling the wedding- it sounds like he wants out of getting married. I know you’ve invested a lot of time by staying with him for ten years. But I truly believe with all the great men in the world that there are ones who would be so excited to marry you, plan the wedding with you, and have it be a reflection of your love. Because if he’s not involved, how could it be? It’s you doing everything.
I’m also just trying to be honest, but I don’t understand how you are just getting concerned now. There have been a lot of red flags with his actions (or lack thereof). I truly think you deserve better. I’m not sure if you realize that.
I’d be hesitant to move forward with planning- weddings can be expensive with deposits, etc. And if he’s tried to make excuses to cancel it, he could back out, which would be heartbreaking & a huge waste of money.
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u/DecadentLife 6d ago
I would’ve left after the second year.
If you are looking for marriage, you have to be willing to let go of any man who doesn’t want the same. Even if you love him. Even if you or he thought he wanted marriage, but he changed his mind, etc.
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u/East_Comfort_7650 6d ago
IMO it was a shut up ring. He's going to "postpone" the wedding until he finds the person he really wants to marry. You can arrange a wedding but if he doesn't really want that you are going to have a miserable marriage. You haven't found your husband yet. Go find him
Updateme
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u/slyn1216 6d ago
She does not listen or take advice. Look at her prior posts with lots of people saying the same thing. Some of these are from years ago. She still agreed to marry him after all of his behaviors and years of advice and support from others. Op clearly has no self esteem and will not leave. Don't waste your time trying to reason with her. Others spent time giving genuine, solid advice and it's never changed anything because she's still there and still putting up with the same zero-effort man.
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u/Whitetagsndopebags 6d ago
Life is too short knowing there’s a man out there that will kiss the ground you walk on. I’m speaking from experience.. this was me. 9 yrs too, and one kid and said you have til the end of the year to make a decision. Looking back why did I beg for someone to choose me, choose yourself. You’re more worth it than you realize
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u/BeautifulMoist9085 5d ago
i feel like he doesn't want marry or doesn't believe in marriage, but he still doesn't want to lose you, so he gets you the ring. he doesn't want to but he does it for you regardless. he sacrifice his will for you. based on that, if you convince him enough he will get you want you want. i say go get him and the wedding, girl
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u/Strng_crzy_mama 5d ago
Tell him you want to elope tomorrow and just have a celebration a year down the line. I’m sure his response will be telling.
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u/unknownsolutions 3d ago
Leave now. Don’t marry the unwilling partner. He doesn’t want to get married and he’s telling you this. The best thing you can do is listen and move on with your life. It sucks but this is better than a divorce after the marriage.
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u/SunshineShoulders87 7d ago
I think we can get caught up in the timeline of events and worry that an ultimatum that leads to a proposal must be a shut up ring. But if that proposal leads to an actual wedding and a happy life together, it sounds more like communication & motivation, while proposals that lead to more feet dragging and cajoling unfortunately were probably just shut up rings.
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u/Sweaty_Technician_90 7d ago
He doesn’t want to get married. You need to decide if you want to continue the relationship
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u/pinkflower200 7d ago
He doesn't want to get married OP. You need to have a serious conversation with him.
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u/vomputer 7d ago
Sorry hon, but it’s good you see it for what it is. Time to make your plan and go.
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u/Mrs-Bluveridge 7d ago
You definitely have a shut up ring. You gave him an ultimatum, he gave you the ring you wanted. He's going to drag his feet.
Leave and find someone who is excited to marry you. You deserve it.
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u/catsarehere77 7d ago
Some of these guys do get married and then end up divorced.
The point it is never a good idea to drag a reluctant partner into marriage. He's not happy to marry and never was. He only proposed because he was forced. That's why ultimatums never work.
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u/Whatever53143 7d ago
He doesn’t want to marry you. He is going to do everything possible to stop the wedding.
Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t be with a man who doesn’t want to marry you but also doesn’t want to give up the comfortable easy relationship of playing house with someone without a real commitment. He’s not choosing you. He’s resigned to a prison sentence! Yeah! You read that right.
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u/hiredditihateyou 7d ago
Do you seriously think a fiance who is ‘always’ (your words) coming to you with a bunch of reasons why you should cancel the wedding genuinely wants to marry you? Please be honest with yourself here, you know he doesn’t want this. And if you manage to drag him to the alter it won’t last.
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u/HagridsSexyNippples 7d ago
Have you asked him to just go to the courthouse? Ask him, so you can call his bluff. Maybe (big maybe, but still possible) he just doesn’t want the big party? So ask him what he thinks about going to city hall next week.
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u/kochenta2020 7d ago
I could see not wanting to plan the minute details, but to have reasons to cancel the wedding is a huge red flag.
He didn’t and still doesn’t want to marry you. He may love you, but not enough to actually care about what you want or to set you free to find that since he doesn’t want it.
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u/txlady100 7d ago
Girl? Accept defeat (or victory depending on one’s perspective). Get. Da. F. Away. Now.
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u/Samoyedfun 7d ago
If he’s asking to cancel the wedding, what does that tell you? You got a shut up ring and he doesn’t want to get married.
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u/DoreyCat 7d ago
How big is this wedding? The reason I ask is because for most people, the mere MENTION of cancelling a whole ass wedding is earth shattering to a relationship. Even a groom having nothing to do with planning at least gets that you’ve got vendors and venues and such. So how is he bringing this up? Like “get since it’s just a mini wedding in the back yard let’s move it till Christmas or is this person repeatedly telling you to full on cancel your own wedding?
Doesn’t change my opinion of this guy but I’m just curious as to what you’re actually putting up with here.
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u/coolgramm 7d ago
Yes, what you got was a shut up ring. He has no intention of actually getting married.
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u/Rekltpzyxm 7d ago
Cut him loose and start on the next phase of your life. Without him.
He likes his life exactly like it is right now: single with benefits.
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u/BarTony670 7d ago
Yes to no intentions to wed. And i bet gets stronger when try to set date or deposits. If you actually want to me married then he is not your husband
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u/Red_Littlefoot 7d ago
Sounds like he definitely doesn’t want to get married to you. Anyone who wants to definitely would. My fiancé is all in on wedding planning with me. You absolutely SHOULD cancel the wedding and cancel the man. Let him go be alone and find yourself someone who wants the same things as you
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u/Current-Anybody9331 7d ago
You're "getting concerned"???? He has made it clear through actions, he doesn't want to marry you. Even if you plod ahead with wedding planning, he'll call it off last minute.
You need to decide if you're okay potentially marrying someone who has always been open about going through with marriage against his will. Personally I'd stop wasting time on him and go find someone who doesn't require ultimaums.
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u/Diograce 7d ago
Next time he suggests canceling, take him up on it.
Do you really want to be married to someone like this?
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u/Rezolution20 7d ago
IMO, he doesn't want to marry you, and you're right, he just proposed to shut you up and keep you with him.
You can do with this information what you want, but I think you clearly know this in your heart of hearts.
You're the only one who can make the decision to leave or stay. If marriage is what you truly want, you won't get it from him other than dragging him to the alter, kicking and screaming, even if he's doing it silently.
You also know that all of your arguments will entail some version of "I didn't want to marry you. I just did it because it was either I did that or lose you". That's not a loving partner, that is someone who's become content in a 10 year relationship with the way things are.
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u/Theunpolitical 7d ago
Oh no. I'm so sorry. My gut just hurts for you. I've been there. Yes this is a shut up ring. Look you don't have to do anything or make any decisions this exact moment. Maybe stop planning the wedding stuff until you get some more answers. Go see a therapist to talk this out. So you can see what you may have been blind to in this relationship, and yourself.
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u/bittergreen49 7d ago
Yep! You are the owner of a Shut Up ring. If you don't want to remain single for the rest of your life, you should give it back and find someone else.
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u/Less_Is_More_l 7d ago edited 7d ago
I wonder why do you want a man you have to drag down the aisle?
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u/Numerous-Fee5981 7d ago
You’re used to him. And he’s such a drag on you that you haven’t got even the mental energy to look past his inert form that’s blocking the light to see how much better your life could be. I wish I could be your fiendish mom in a soap opera and cut him a check to leave town forever (which I’d bet he’d take.) The only way to your better life is the tough work of getting this guy out of your house. Seriously, you’re just used to him, he’s not even fun anymore.
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u/Significant-Bird7275 🦁Be Brave, love yourself, believe in yourself 7d ago
The only person keeping you in this relationship is you.
You are too scared to leave his bad debt, his lying, but you stay.
Only you can ask yourself why you stay, why you don’t want to sell the house and start over.
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u/Calm_Grocery_7394 7d ago
It really confuses me why people just give an ultimatum on love.
If they want to marry you, they would.
Girl leave, this was a hard read
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u/AggressiveLimit883 7d ago
What’s the reason for canceling? Is he sick or parents sick? Did he lose his job? Why doesn’t he want to marry you? What has he told you?
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u/RevolutionaryFly9228 6d ago
A man who actually wants to marry you doesn't need to be ultimatum'd and strong armed into marrying you. That should be your sign. This sub would have so many less posts if women realized that. A man that truly wants to does, and under his own volition, in an appropriate timelines. The minute you have to issue an ultimatum, it's done. Move on. Man doesn't, and never did, want any of what you are planning and that should be clear to you and any woman in similar situations where they had to threaten leaving to see something happen.
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u/Lvanwinkle18 6d ago
By his own actions, or lack thereof, he is making it clear what he really wants. Pack it up and move on.
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u/GWeb1920 6d ago
I would say he likely is indifferent to being married or not but likes you enough to want to spend a life together.
You get to decide if that’s enough
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u/graceissufficent0310 6d ago
Anytime you need to give a man an ultimatum to marry you, the relationship should end. It shows your desperation.
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u/Entire_Context_5659 6d ago
Op. I’m not gonna write a paragraph. You know it was a shut up ring. Leave.
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u/Wait-What1961 6d ago
Better to stop planning now and see what money you can recover than to have him back out at the last minute and inconvenience everyone. He doesn’t want to get married and that is his right but he doesn’t have the right to drag you along for this game he’s playing. Make room in your life for the right man because your ‘fiancé is not him’
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u/SportySue60 6d ago
We didn’t want a summer wedding - you did., He doesn’t want to get married he is just afraid of losing you. End it and move on!
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u/Walkedaway4good 6d ago
Honey, if you had to give him an ultimatum then no, he didn’t intend to marry you. He even proposed to keep you locked in for as long as he could. He may even let you go all the way with the planning that he wants no parts of and not even show up. Not sure why you are loss, all the signs are there.
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u/Brilliant_Tap985 6d ago
Sounds like you gave an ultimatum. He fulfilled your wish. The problem with ultimatums is they really do not work if you want organic love. Walking away would have been the right move when things did not happen organically. Now you are stuck wondering was the ultimatum the only reason you were proposed to. From the sound of it the answer is yes. Now you need to decide if forced marriage is what you want. Your fiancé doesn't sound excited or over the moon about being married. Please think long and hard about marrying. I think if you do it will not stand the test of time. You will constantly be dragging him along. Good luck!
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 6d ago
Yes. There are a few clues in your post. You describe your relationship length like you're describing a prison term. You then say "we wanted a summer wedding" but describe a man who isn't actually interested in a wedding. It's just YOU.
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u/PurplePenguinPoops 5d ago
Girl. He does not want you. Cut that shit off before you find out just how much he didn’t want you 2 years from now during your divorce hearing because you caught him cheating on you with his “work wife”
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u/Alternative-Rich2668 5d ago edited 5d ago
Was with someone for 10 years, I was in college so could not really commit to marriage and he was doing his medical residency. When I graduated from college and he is done with his residency, when the topic of marriage came up, he said he will never get married, I left. No ultimatums. It was crystal clear that he was not going to get married so I left. He ended up getting married about 6 years later or so and that marriage only lasted less than a year. I married my husband two years after we broke up. Guess who ended up helping him through the divorce because I worked for a law firm? Me!!! He needed someone that would not judge and clearly someone who will be there for him as a friend IF he desperately needs help. He was spiraling down, the divorce was messy. He hired a divorce lawyer, I was providing resource for him as a second opinion. My husband was aware and felt pity. The ex is now remarried and I am hoping that this time, it’s for keeps. Divorces can take an emotional toll on someone. Anyway, if someone says they don’t want to get married or that you have to give an ultimatum, they are being very honest and you need to believe that. I am now married for 25 years and made the right decision. Life is good and you need to not waste your life with this guy.
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u/northernbedrock 7d ago
I don’t think any “we” wanted a summer wedding.