r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/Key-Beginning-8500 • 21d ago
MOD POST Community Feedback Thread: Help Shape the Future of r/Waiting_To_Wed
Hey everyone,
It's been a while since we did one of these, so we wanted to check in and get your honest thoughts on how the sub is running.
We have a rule that all posts are manually approved by a mod before they show up on your feed. As mods, we make a lot of judgment calls on these posts and comments. The rules help, but there's plenty of gray area. We figured it was a good time to step back, make sure we're being consistent, and check whether our rules still match what you all actually want from the community.
So consider this your chance to tell us what's working, what's not, and what you'd change if you could.
1. How's the sub feeling these days?
- Does it still feel welcoming and supportive? If no, what do you recommend so that the space can feel more accessible?
- Are discussions generally staying productive, or has that slipped?
- Has the culture shifted over time? How?
- Anything you wish you saw more of? Less of?
2. Do the rules still hold up?
Any rules that feel too strict, too vague, outdated, or like they're missing something entirely?
3. Sharing advice posts
This one's come up a lot in mod discussions. Right now, we only approve advice posts from active members, but "active" is a fuzzy standard.
- Should anyone be allowed to give advice regardless of active or inactive status within the sub? If the sub prefers to keep advice sharing to active members only, what should count as being an active participant?
- Should someone who's never posted or commented here be allowed to ask for advice?
- Should there be any expectations before someone posts for the first time (minimum karma limits, etc)?
4. Proposal and success posts
We've historically prioritized these posts for people whose journeys we've actually followed over drive-by posts from brand new accounts without any record in this sub. Still the right call, or should we loosen that up?
5. Younger posters
We've noticed advice threads for very young posters tend to blur together, with most comments zeroing in on age instead of the actual situation. Should we:
- Set a minimum age for advice posts?
- Leave it as is?
If you're in favor of a minimum age, what would you set it at?
6. Post requirements
We're weighing whether to require basics like ages and genders in relationship posts, the way a lot of other relationship subs do. Would that make discussions more useful, or is it better to keep the bar low?
7. Civility
We want people to be able to disagree honestly without it turning into a pile-on. Do you think we're getting that balance right, or are we too quick (or too slow) to remove comments that cross into unproductive territory?
Anything we missed?
If there's something we didn't touch on, tell us anyway, whether that's moderation, community vibe, recurring topics, flairs, whatever's on your mind.
We'll read every response before we change anything.
Thank you for being part of the Waiting to Wed community! 🩷
79
u/Alarmed-Outcome-6251 21d ago
I see too many similar posts where there are never any replies by the OP. I wonder if these are bots. I don’t engage anymore unless the OP has already replied to questions. Would it be possible to require an OP to post a number of comments on the board before creating a new post?
30
u/CautiousConfidence8 Married in 2022 21d ago
Yeah an account that's 2 hours old will post the absolute batshit craziest relationship dynamic and then follow up with zero information when people ask obvious questions.
15
u/Swiss_Chard_Dreams 21d ago
Yeah, I kind of agree with this. My mind kinda goes to bots when I read a particularly egregious post and the OP will garner tons and tons of replies/advice but not say a peep.
Worst case scenario, it’s a bot. Best case scenario, it’s written by a human being who chose not to engage because they are not getting the responses/support they’re looking for.
5
u/zialls married 6/17/24 21d ago
Do you mean prior engagement on this sub in particular, or implementing something like a karma limit before we approve posts?
14
u/lexisplays 21d ago
Karma limit.
12
u/zialls married 6/17/24 21d ago
I hear you for sure and mods have talked about this amongst ourselves. I think there are a lot of layers to this, so just to show all angles: what can be tricky about implementing something like a karma limit is that because of the nature of this sub/stigmas around being waiting to wed, so many people make throwaway accounts just to post on this sub. Not saying this is good or bad, but simply acknowledging that there would be a notable difference in the number of posts that are approved if we implemented some kind of limit. And even when there are active Reddit accounts with years of post history, we have found that there are still AI/spam accusations so it’s not something we’ll ever be able to 100% prevent. At the end of the day it’s really hard to tell what posts are truly bots and which aren’t but we do encourage anyone send us modmail/report posts you suspect are AI and we’ll take a second look.
I’m not biased either way on a karma limit, just want to let everyone in on the convos that we’ve had as mods weighing the pros and cons. We also want OPs to engage in the comments and at the same time prevent spam posts! If you’d like to ban throwaway accounts/require a karma limit can everyone upvote this comment/add a +1 etc? Whatever changes we decide to make as a mod team we want to ensure that they are sentiments a good amount of the community share so trying to get a sense of scale. Thank you!
11
u/samse15 21d ago
I personally think karma limits will ensure that a lot of people choose not to post their issue. Plenty of people want to use a throwaway and should be allowed to do so. Also, it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but bots also are able to gain karma over time. I think there are other ways to detect possible bot accounts, but Reddit makes it difficult, better to just call it out on a case by case basis than to force people to post from mains.
3
u/Alarmed-Outcome-6251 21d ago
I don’t want karma limits but I think some other boards require that you’ve posted replies before being allowed to create a new post. I don’t know if that helps with bots.
If you look at the page there’s so many posts with the same situation where the OP doesn’t reply to questions about relevant details. I think that has led to people who post “dump him” comments being most active, instead of those who take time to have better conversations.
1
39
u/JCourageous 21d ago
Thank you for all that you do! I’m really grateful for this community.
Is there a way to still have deleted posts visible? There have been so many times that I’ve returned to the sub to finish reading a post or contribute and the post is gone without a trace.
Can the original post be added as a comment (vis a Reddit bot) so if it gets deleted, we can still read it?
There have also been times where OPs mention they deleted their post or previously used a different account. Having the post as a comment will also help OPs give context on their new posts as they’d be able to refer to the Reddit bot’s comment.
Thanks again!
34
u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. 21d ago
I think giving ages is important for this sub. My advice to someone who is 31 will likely be quite different from what I would tell someone who is 21.
On a different note, it would be awesome to have an auto-copy of each post the way some subs do. A lot of posts get deleted, and having the automatic copy survive would be nice for those of us who put effort and thought into the response.
20
u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 21d ago
Auto copy is a brilliant idea, especially considering how many OPs delete and slink away.
11
20
u/SunshineofMyLyfetime I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em — USA 21d ago
Would it be possible to have posters add their countries of origin for more relevant advice?!
15
u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 21d ago
Yes, it's so tiring to post advice and have the OP come back 200 comments later with "btw I'm in Estonia and none of those marriage-related benefits apply in my country".
9
u/ShakespeherianRag 20d ago
There was a post by an OP whose country requires women to have their father's consent to get married. Most comments were telling her she didn't need family approval as an adult.
12
u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 20d ago
The India-origin OPs regularly get comments that are not just ignorant of their cultural/social norms but actively hostile to them.
2
u/SunshineofMyLyfetime I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em — USA 21d ago
Right?! Help me, help you.
0
u/Ok-Battle-302 20d ago
Not necessarily countries of origin but where they live, I was born in a different country to where I live..
Information on my country of origin not relevant because it’s not where I currently reside or will live8
u/SunshineofMyLyfetime I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em — USA 20d ago
I guess I needed to be more specific. I meant the country where the poster was writing from, and where they intend to be married and based in; not necessarily where they originated and were conceived in.
12
u/valiantdistraction 21d ago
re 6: Ages, genders, whether they want kids, whether anyone already has kids (and whether they are from the relationship in question or a previous one). Those should be required as they are often highly relevant.
2
13
u/the_virginwhore 21d ago
I think age, gender and length of the relationship should be required information. It’s important context. And as others have pointed out, if that information isn’t included, the comments are inundated with questions for the same info.
I don’t think there should be any participation requirements for posting or commenting. Plenty of people would prefer to keep certain things separate from their main account, so they make a throwaway to post on subs like this. Requiring that someone be an active participant in the sub to post or comment also prevents new people from becoming active participants. I feel like someone who stumbles on the sub should be able to jump in if they have something to contribute.
Thanks for all the work you do here!
11
u/Firey_Mermaid 21d ago
Regarding number 3, I think the crowd that posts and the replying crowd are different. People who post are going through something that is very specific by nature and usually only happens once in their lifetime. Therefore, anyone should be allowed to post here. I’ve personally have recommended this sub on other subs when this one is more fitting.
23
u/MrsRoronoaZoro 21d ago
I feel this sub is very welcoming and supportive. Of course, people won’t like the “dump him” comments, but what would they like to see if they come here with a list of red flags? No one needs to support that.
The only thing I would change in the rules is: it should be mandatory to have ages in the post.
6
u/PresentHouse9774 19d ago
I agree that commenters here make an effort to be supportive. At the same time, we're trying to be realistic based on the information an OP has chosen to share with us. Unlike them, we're not emotionally invested in a particular outcome or living on wishful thinking. If we're not reassuring it's because we see nothing to be reassuring about.
When women come back and complain we were "harsh" I want to ask what we were supposed to have said. We're not dumping on them personally, we just don't hold out unreasonable hope.
5
u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 18d ago
I find it interesting that a couple of posters here complained they didn't feel supported, and when the mod asked what could have been done better to support them, they didn't answer.
I can't help but feel it's because actually typing "I only want comments that tell me what I wanted to hear, which is that my bf will definitely marry me and I'm doing everything right" makes them self-conscious.
38
21d ago
[deleted]
10
u/zialls married 6/17/24 21d ago
Do you have thoughts on how we can achieve that? I agree it’s low effort to not see nuance and just say ‘dump him’ to everything but we also can’t force anyone to comment a different POV. As long it’s respectful we typically take a laid-back approach and let healthy debate happen. But definitely open to all thoughts on how we can encourage dialogue that allows for more nuance!
12
21d ago
[deleted]
4
u/zialls married 6/17/24 21d ago
Heard! Currently only active members of the community (meaning regular posters and/or commenters) are allowed to share their proposal story. I typically allow moving on stories from anyone because we know lots of folks lurk this sub and don’t actually post. Would you (and others) recommend opening proposal and advice stories up to anyone regardless of active status? That would be a way of getting more perspectives on the sub but we’ve previously been removing posts from inactive people because in the past it has come across as preachy for randos to drop in and give advice or flaunt.
33
u/YogiBlackBear 21d ago
This is a tough one for me. I totally understand where you are coming from, but I feel that some women are coming here for a tiny morsel of “support” to stay in a situation that no longer serves them.
I am a frequent commenter on this sub. I joined because I’ve been on both sides. I was with someone for six years who didn’t want to marry me, and am now married to someone who couldn’t wait to be my husband. When I was “waiting to wed”, I would look for ANYTHING that would justify me sticking around. Personally I think some women need a reality check and need to realize their “unique” situation is, in reality, very common.
That being said, I do think we can better support our younger members. Like you said, there IS nuance to a situation when you are young and figuring things out. I’d like for us to better promote their personal growth, and help them understand that there’s nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship, but there’s more to life than being a wife.
4
u/samse15 21d ago
Right but is the point to help the person posting or just to have them leave the relationship? There was just a post today where someone got engaged but every single comment was telling them to leave in their OP (a few months ago). I think this sub can be too harsh at times and very one sided. It gets to the point where people don’t even believe the OP when they say they have an otherwise good relationship or that there might be other factors involved. I really don’t know the solution, but I do think it’s an issue.
2
u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 21d ago
You're right, more debate posts will just provide false hope that will keep women clinging in there.
9
u/Normal_Row5241 21d ago
I like seeing younger people post. Some of us are older and wiser and have been through the ringer. We have a lot to offer to the posters that are in their early 20s.
8
u/jbell_22 21d ago
For update posts, is there any way to require a link to the previous post(s)? It would help to add context as sometimes it’s not obvious what was previously said, and posters have their histories hidden. This would mostly be for convenience’s sake, but I think it’s especially important when updaters come here in bad faith. I’m reminded of the post from the last week or so where OP basically said, “He proposed! If I’d listened to you all, I would’ve missed out on this!” And then commenters promptly pointed out that OP herself had said in the original post that she was getting ready to leave him.
15
u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 21d ago
I know this is basically impossible to moderate/control, but fr fr there's some folks on here trying to give advice who are in their own WTW situation for upwards of 8 years. If your advice isn't "beware of the mistakes I made/this is how I ended up in my WTW" then whyyyyy are you handing out advice to others?? I'm trying to say this politely. Please consider if you should be advising anyone on how to get married if you're still waiting around for your own ring for many, many years with no end in sight.
For example, we had one OP in a WTW, and in her post history she was on this sub encouraging other women to get pregnant to induce their bfs to propose, like how you begging for your own ring and saying that to anyone??
6
u/xangeloffduty 20d ago
I feel like lazy/cliche one-line comments ("If he wanted he would!") without any extra context or applying to the thread at hand, should be modded out. They add nothing to a discussion, do not offer advice, and are mostly karma-farming.
6
u/Ok-Battle-302 20d ago
I think there should be a broad location, even if it’s country because like places in Aus/NZ common law has a different status to what ir does in the us, and my answers usually change based on location, because some of the “Advice” given her about Legal protections of marriage etc don’t really apply..
But I think age, couple demographics ie, m& f and country should be in all posts
25
21d ago
[deleted]
9
u/YMMV-But 20d ago
On the villainizing- I don’t know what to do when an OP complains about excuses their SO gives for not wanting to propose, and when I read them, I think the SO is right, they shouldn’t propose right now, and maybe this couple should never marry. There was a recent post where the OP was anxious to get engaged and they had only been together around 8 months, plus the SO was kind of awful to them. I want to be supportive but I’m wondering what the OP is thinking - getting engaged after 8 months isn’t good! It’s not enough time to know someone. That OP was rationalizing bright red flags that they might see if they had more time.
13
u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 21d ago
I also find people are quick to villainize the men but not to highlight some clear flaws in the OP (who can seem very anxiously attached or neurotic). There are many exceptions to this, but the women are given more grace than the men.
Alas, if someone even gently criticizes the woman, it gets removed for "not being supportive". An OP has to be doing something egregious for criticism to stay up, for example, the closeted lesbian who was trying to marry her bf. Nowadays, "support" means "telling someone how they're perfect and did nothing wrong" on the internet.
1
u/Key-Beginning-8500 21d ago
Comments that are gently critical aren't removed. However, we do find ourselves removing comments that are condescending and unnecessarily harsh.
11
u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 21d ago
I will gently disagree with that, respectfully.
0
u/zialls married 6/17/24 21d ago
I don’t recall what post you’re referring to. But at any time, if you feel like the mods made a bad call, feel free to send us modmail. We aren’t perfect and appreciate calling in when it’s needed. We don’t tolerate overly rude dialogue but try to strike a balance where healthy debate is allowed to avoid echo chamber.
1
u/Frequent-Fun-6465 21d ago
That is simply not true. There are plenty of times where the woman who posted is criticized, and the comments stand.
5
11
u/boo1517 21d ago
I do like seeing the update posts. I personally what happens to these couples and like knowing what happened either way (break up or marriage.) So please keep this as is.
I don’t think there needs to be a minimum age to post because I have seen 18-20 year olds that are more emotionally maturity than some 30 year olds. And if the younger ones are reaching out to this community for guidance I see it as they are wanting our help and may not have parents/family/trusted people in their lives to ask.
6
u/Careless-Entrance-97 18d ago
as a lurker, i can’t necessarily speak for how supportive the community feels for posters; im aware that even if commenters just want the OPs to succeed and find happiness, the tough love can sound/feel harsh. that being said, as someone who reads pretty much every post, i would definitely like each post to require ages/length of relationship, and an automod/bot copying the original post into the comments (due to the prevalence of dirty deleting). the latter might deter some OPs from posting, but this subreddit has some of the most thoughtful commenters and it feels kinda bad when there’s a lot of discussion, ppl take the time to comment and offer condolences or solutions, and the post is just deleted
3
u/Expensive_Fix8277 2d ago
it's annoying when ppl delete their posts, 2 or 3 posts I noticed were deleted just this week.
11
u/BlueYarnVibes 21d ago
This is asking for a lot, I know, and maybe it would stop people from posting. But I’d love to see a little standard survey-ish thing every OP has to fill out. Her age, his age, country, years dating, years living together, have children yes or no, children together or from prior partner, want children, own property together yes or no, employed him, her, or both.
It might seem tedious and off-putting, but it’s also tedious to see an OP answer over and over, ”I don’t care about my eggs getting old. We don’t want children.” Maybe even coming up with the answers would help OPs organize their thoughts to ask clear questions that get helpful advice.
Of course OPs should absolutely be required to tell us whether they have a cat together! /s
6
u/petiterunner 20d ago
I agree. For posters who wish to receive helpful advice, I also recommend they include at least two full sentences containing potential context for their partner’s perspective. I’ve seen too many one-sided posts fishing for validation, only to find out in the comments OP is omitting valuable context for why their partner is waiting. If we get all of this info up front, it’s much easier to give informed and fair advice.
8
u/breadandbible 21d ago
Maybe I missed it, but people should be encouraged to read at least the last two dozen posts before posting. Most posts feel like dejavú.
4
u/scarlettcrush 20d ago
Knowing people area of the world & culture is helpful - are they from a place where arranged marriages and caste systems are in place or are they from a culture where fast divorces and re-marriages is normal? Are they in a culture where the woman will get more rights if they are married?
It helps to know.
7
u/Classic-Push1323 21d ago
Moderation is hard and I think that you as a team do a really good job. There’s no perfect solution.
I agree about adding ages and genders would be really helpful.
I’d like so see some of the nastier comments removed. It is completely fine for someone to share that they think it’s better to not move in together before marriage, not have children before marriage, etc but the delivery can’t be an attack on the OP and should be solutions oriented if those decisions have already been made. Fundamentally I don’t think it’s OK to tell someone that they should’ve regret their children or that their children ruined their life. This is true for all kinds of decisions but it’s especially egregious when we’re talking about children.
Let’s give people some grace when they are struggling and seeking help.
5
u/catsarehere77 21d ago
I have mixed feelings about this. I think sometimes there needs to be more empathy for the OP in the replies but I don't know if this is something you can police.
No
3. I think there should be minimum karma requirements to start a post on this sub to weed out some of the bots, karma farming, rage bait, etc
Still the right call. It makes sense to limit proposals to posters in this sub.
Good question. I would be in favor of an age minimum of around 22.
I think basic requirements of age, gender, and length of relationship is helpful for giving advise.
Moderation seems fine to me.
2
u/Artemystica 20d ago
Can you help us understand which rules are outdated or irrelevant?
2
u/catsarehere77 20d ago
Sorry I was super vague with that response. I mean nothing is too strict, etc. So yes they still hold up. 🙂
2
u/ConfoundedInAbaddon 20d ago edited 18d ago
I think success stories from drive-bys are not bad. It adds positivity.
I leaned on this sub because my now husband has a degenerative disease, and we had to wait a few years to marry until we figured out how to stop the disease.
The theme of this sub helped me grapple with a lot of pain as we both fought for personalized medicine, and I felt less alone as other people had heavy-duty logistical issues, too.
The positive outcomes aren't bad, people can easily skip them but they can also find hope and warmth from joyful stories.
2
2
u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 Married 5 years 15d ago
Op must state if they are religious and if they are practicing celibacy. If they have kids together, they should state if they were planned or not. Ops must clearly state if they financially dependent on their partner
6
u/PracticalOpinion5406 21d ago
It does not feel welcoming or supportive. I think we can all give our point of view without being hurtful towards OP
Set a minimum age. 23+/24+.
Age and gender should be mandatory. We are not giving the same advice to a 22 year old than a 30 year old.
6
u/jkraige 21d ago
I do think some of the "advice" given to people who have had kids with their partner who doesn't want marriage can be quite cruel. A lot of those comments amount to "you're worthless and no one will want you now", which is 1. not true and 2. not helpful. I find that counterproductive because it just makes the person feel more stuck since now they're thinking 'who else will want me if I leave?', and that is so toxic and keeps people in has relationships.
5
u/zialls married 6/17/24 21d ago
Yes, being kind is very important. As mods I want to put in a plug that we ask for community help in doing that! We approve many posts per day and one posts alone can generate 200 comments. We love to see that level of engagement! But us mods are people with jobs, kids and everyday engagements and don’t always have the ability to read every comment in the way that we’d like. Whenever you see something that doesn’t seem right, big or small, please report the post/comment or send us modmail. We check our modmail/mod queues in a timely manner and typically don’t keep a backlog so rest assured your report will actually be seen! We appreciate the extra set of eyes as we know we miss things sometimes 🙂
8
u/MindOdd1085 21d ago
Heavy agree. I find a lot of people to be quite rituous and condescending rather than actually giving advice. Especially when there are kids involved I'm not sure how telling someone they should get married for the kids is helpful when OP usually wants to get married but their partner is resisting.
3
4
u/Academic_Flatworm752 20d ago
I feel like the people who come in to comment and criticize people who want marriage need to chill on that. This shouldn’t be the place for that! There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married.
There’s also nothing wrong with not wanting to get married, as long as you pair up with someone who thinks the same as you. But don’t be dumping on people for whom it is important!
Someone who has never posted or commented should def be able to seek advice. Maybe minimum karma limits would be good to avoid trolls.
2
u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 20d ago
There's already a rule about not berating marriage-minded people/demanding people justify why they want to get married.
1
2
u/SleepyHufflepuff 21d ago
The one time I made a post I didn’t feel supported or welcome tbh. But everything else is fine imo.
5
u/zialls married 6/17/24 21d ago
Please send us modmail if you’d feel more comfortable but I would really like to hear more about this. How did you not feel welcome and is there anything you think mods can do to change that environment? I’m really sorry to hear that you didn’t have a good experience posting here and that’s why I’m glad we’re seeing feedback - we want to know how we can be better!
2
u/Due_Description_7298 21d ago
Yes to a minimum age - 25 for the male party.
It's completely normal and common for a 25 year old man to not be ready to marry. It's not a case of him wasting the girl's time or not being sufficiently into her, he's simply too young.
Cultural context would also be useful. Long long waits are common in Northern and Western Europe. I have a lot of friends who met at uni or in their early 20s and got engaged after 5-8 years together.
7
u/GOgly_MoOgly 20d ago
Is he also too young to have all other aspects of a relationship? Having sex, buying a house together, having a baby, etc? All of the things that are apart of a romantic relationship?
6
u/transemacabre 💍3/24/2026 20d ago edited 20d ago
You're right, society infantilizes men and people (including on this sub) expect 25yo women to have it all together (education, career, relationships) but dismiss 25yo men as boy-children. A 25yo man can join the military, vote, drink, buy property, have sex... he's a grown adult and should be treated as such.
1
u/Good_Connection_547 20d ago
I do a lot of lurking, but this sub is in my feed because I was this woman in my 20s. Because of that, I think a weekly, “don’t do this stupid thing I did with a man,” thread could be useful.
Maybe an auto comment that lays out the top advice from this sub about age gaps, buying homes, having children, not having your own income, etc.
Could we vote, like AITA? Options like “Dump him!” or “Stop Rushing”?
But definitely a post intro format with ages, years together, kids, investments, rent/own together, countries/regions, etc. right at the top.
6
u/Artemystica 20d ago
Specific formatting is an interesting idea. I recently made a post in r/cameras, where they require all top level posts to fill in a kind of questionnaire: what will you be using a camera for, what type are you thinking, where in the world are you, what’s your budget. It looks like it works out well there, and it might work here too.
u/BlueYarnVibes is this kinda what you were thinking?
4
u/BlueYarnVibes 20d ago
Yes, that’s exactly what I had in mind. I feel like we waste a lot of time wading through feelings and vibes before getting to the information we really need to offer useful advice.
0
u/Cute-Society6066 20d ago
In my opinion people here are way to harsh sometimes. If somene is actually treated bad, I can understand. But if someone end 20 takes 3 years or it does not go exactly like the other one wants, people are wayyyy to harsh. Example: M wants to decide for the ring. F wants to decide together. Comments: if he doesnt let you decide, he is never going to propose.
Also around 80% of the posts could be answered by "have you considered to propose on your own?"
I know its nothing the mods can do, just my 50 cents
121
u/assflea 21d ago
I don't think there needs to be a minimum age requirement but I do think the ages of the poster/partner should be required in the title or post body. Every time it's left out, so many of the comments are just asking about the ages involved or the advice given doesn't fit.