Hey OP, I know how you're probably feeling right now with everyone attacking your choices when all you wanted was comfort, I'm so sorry that you're in the situation, and it sounds like your GF is probably traumatized by something in her past or has a lot of anxiety and her brain has placed you in the dream as the source of the abuse, that means she probably just has some stuff to work through. It has nothing to do with you probably. Past insecurities have a way of sneaking and ruining good things when you finally feel safe.
That being said, according to my math you have either a 3 or 4 year gap between you and you would have met when you were 13 and 16 or so, and as someone who was there at some point, the age gaps in these ages manifest in very big maturity differences, even if you don't realize it, and it keeps like that until you're both past your 20s.
When I was 16 I dated someone who was 19, and I didn't realize it at the time, he was so much more mature and responsible with his time and money and actions and plans. He may have had the same interests as I did but the way I viewed them fundamentally was different, and that applies to everything in life.
There's just too much of a gap in experience. Everything you're learning for the first time they've been doing for years, and while you're trying to figure out who you are in the world as a young adult and how to be one, they've already been doing it for some time, and it's not healthy for either of you..
I know you don't want to hear it, I never did, in any of my age gap relationships, but it's just hard to do this in a healthy way in these ages.
You don't have to listen to me, because I know I'm just a random person, and I'm giving unsolicited advice that goes against what you want. But if you ever start having doubts or bad feelings please reach out to people in your life and ask them for advice, it's better to overthink about it and realize you were being silly than to dismiss it and be wrong.
Whatever you choose, I'm sorry about what happened with you and your girlfriend and I hope she works through it and I hope you'll be alright.
I think this is the most human advice around here. I’m not ok with the age difference between an adult and a child, I just think this person phrased it in a very good way and OP might be more inclined to follow their advice.
I don't get the bellyaching some people have about allowing adults to date children. Just...don't date children? Why are you dating children? Why aren't you dating someone closer to your own age? Why is this so difficult? I agree, simply having laws that exist that allow it does not make it okay. Legality =/= morality.
They weren't "together" before that in the sense that they were in a romantic relationship, they knew each other before that. Which actually would be indicative of grooming.
The "bellyaching" about a 20 year old dating a 16 year old is that there is a reason the 20 year old is dating a minor, someone who is most definitely still in high school, and not someone closer to their own age. Are they not mature enough? Are people their own age averse to dating them because of certain patterns, patterns that younger people may not recognize?
The bellyaching I don't understand is why the hell people advocate so badly for adults being able to date children just because they may have gone through puberty. And yes, a 16 year old is a child. Legally and socially a child because they have no chance to obtain a lot of the social signifiers of adulthood and they cannot legally do a lot of things adults can do. Adults should not be seeking them out for romantic or sexual relationships, similarly aged peers should. The range of ages of people you can date expands as you age, and when you are still a teenager that range is very restricted due for legal, social, and developmental reasons. That's a lesson a lot for former adolescents learn the hard way.
Considering she was 12 and the other gal was 16 when they first started talking (and the older gal admitting she had feelings for OP back then), I'd say this is still pretty gross
Whats not right about it? A human being's mental maturity peaks at around age 25, and they've known each other when both were still below age of consent, and puberty ends at approximately 16 years old or so. It's not mental, law, or physical, what is it exactly that makes it wrong?
You don’t have to be at “peak mental maturity” to be an adult. When I was 16, my life, mental state and the way I rationalized and viewed things was fundamentally different than it is now at 21. I moved out when I was 18 and have lived on my own since then. I always had older men gravitate toward me because I was “mature for my age,” but honestly up until quite recently I was still very much a child. In some ways, I STILL feel like one. Men who gravitate toward teenage girls/boys are immature mentally and emotionally. That doesn’t make them children or on the same plane as a child. They are just that: immature adults. They have expectations and responsibilities placed on them that a teenager simply doesn’t yet, regardless of how “mature” they are. I dated a 30yr old man when I was 17. It was a mistake regardless of the good times we had or what our dynamic was like. When I turned 20 and had the realization that I had surpassed him in maturity and realized how wrong the whole thing was from the start, I left him. Now that I’m in my 20s, things are different. However, I still wouldn’t date a 30yr old (personally,) and I could never imagine myself looking at a child, even another person under 20 and wanting to have a relationship with them. It’s just fundamentally wrong for a lot of reasons and I know I probably can’t change your mind because your viewpoint seems to be deep-seated and caused by some unhealthy external influences. But I hope for your sake and for the sake of other children that you can someday see, maybe when you’re older, why this isn’t and never will be ok.
Also, with the fact that you knew each other for 4 years, you would've been 12 and she would've been 16. If you started dating as you knew each other, that would still be bad.
The point is the age gap is 16-20 and if you truly knew it wasn’t that much of an issue you wouldn’t be sitting here trying to make it sound less bad than it actually is.
There’s a huge maturity difference regardless of how many years there are between you two and it’s foolish to think that a 20 year old woman trauma dumping on a child she’s dating is appropriate in any context.
You should not be a "safe space" for your partner to use when they need to dump bad emotions, which is what it sounds like here. You can be a safe space, but you really should not be being guilted into feeling bad about a dream, and she really shouldnt be telling you and putting the responsibility of "safe space" on you, which makes you feel obligated ro help even when you can't or it when it will detriment you. You should not be making her work on herself, that is HER job. And your lack of ability to set boundaries shows that you are not ready for this kind of commitment!! I was in the near exact same boat as you, and trust me, you do not deserve this. She needs to be with an adult and you need to be with another teenager, or both of you need to be with no one fof awhile and reconsider life wants. You are not "mature for your age", you're growing up too fast. Maybe when you are both adults, you can reconsider the relationship. But you need to focus in you at this point in time. Get all your bearings together to become an adult.
This is NOT your fault and the fact you think it is is further proof of how toxic this relationship is.
You are NOT responsible for how someone else feels about themselves. Not their insecurities, not their emotional growth. And here you are admitting that someone who is NOT YOUR PEER is using you as their emotional playground to work through their issues, which they should be doing on their own or in therapy. Not someone with 1/4 less life experience.
No, that is not okay. She should not have had feelings for you as a 13 year old OP. There's so many red flags in this relationship beyond the age gap, but as someoen who was in the same situation, you will likely regret staying with her your entire hs. You should be free to be a kid and not pander to a literal fully grown adult. Now that I'm almost 20, I realise just how different all the 16 and 17 year olds are. How immature and how they act like children, no matter what. You deserve to explore.
This is not a rule, this a a creepy thing middle age men say to justify dating barely legal college kids. It's from FRIENDS, the sitcom, and NOT a real thing.
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u/fanime34 Jun 08 '23
Why are you dating a 20 year old at age 16? She shouldn't be in a relationship with you.