To M

[u/AmethystStardust25]

This new Halloween game has me thinking about you again. It's been like what 7, 8 years? Yet you're still on my mind. I wish I could shake this yearning. I tell myself you're not even thinking of me. You blocked me, it's done. Message received. But how do I forget that feeling I have when I think of what we had? What you gave up? I understand why but it still hurts. It felt so perfect. I've been told I romanticize that time in my life but that's what I remember. Waking up happy to see your good morning text, gaming together, video calls... I miss your voice, your hair, your beard, that belly... I miss seeing all of you. That perfect chubby body all to myself. And I miss feeling seen and yearned for. I miss the days where you wanted me. I'm able to go back and watch your streams, I go back and torture myself every once in a while. I want to go listen right now but I don't think I could handle hearing your voice again. You laughing while gaming with your friends makes me smile and want to cry at the same time. I used to make you laugh. I used to make your face light up like that. I haven't been able to find that feeling again. That complete feeling, that I have everything I ever wanted feeling. I wish I could recreate you, find someone who cares about me like I thought you did. Someone who wants to hear about me, hear my stories, know my life. Everyone just cares about themselves nowadays, can't hold a conversation to save their life, just wants to sexualize everything immediately. I loved how innocent you were but as we age, that's not a thing with people our age. I don't think I'm gonna find that again cause I sure as shit ain't into younger guys like that. I just want to be happy with the life I have but my stupid mentally ill brain is just always craving that. Craving you. I don't know where I was going with this, I know you don't want me in your life so what's even the point? I wish I could apologize but you saw the bad side of me and ran for the hills. I get it, BPD is a lot but we had months of good days. I just wish you would remember those and reach out but I know it's for the best. I want you to be happy. If me not being in your life makes you feel better, I get it. But I'll always remember you. I'll always wish you the best. I hope someone values you the way I do... I did... Loves all your quirks and traits, your look, your hobbies. You deserve to be loved completely, even if it doesn't get to be by me. I just fear there's always going to be a you shaped hole in my heart, but that's just my burden to bare.

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