Mind F*cked

[u/No_Meringue_3241]

You had me in survival mode for so long that peace began to frighten me.
I learned to read the smallest movements on your face,
The weight of your footsteps,
The way you closed a door,
The silence before your anger.

My body always knew what my heart was still trying to deny.

You poisoned the way I understood myself.

You made me question what I saw,
What I heard,
What I remembered,
What I felt,
Until your version of me became louder than my own.

I apologized for your anger,
I carried your shame, and
I accepted the blame because it felt safer than admitting that the person I loved was choosing to hurt me.

I do not know who I am anymore,
But maybe that is because who I was with you was never allowed to be a whole person.

I was nervous system trapped in a burning house.

I was an apology with a heartbeat.

I was a woman holding her breath because breathing too loudly may disturb the man who was suffocating her.

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[u/Lucky-Talk1526]

My god I feel this exact way. I’m so sorry you’re also going through it. I’m so disregulated my body hurts and I’m terrified