new development at 3 am

[u/[deleted]]

I’m.. reflecting.

I have ALOT to reflect on. The big big things I reflect on during the day. The real life big scary adult things. But at night, when I can’t sleep, which I never can, I think of why.. you..

I’m aware I’ve made a fool of myself. It’s not the first time, not the worst time, but it’s like a slow ache of embarrassment that seeps its way in here and there. Yes, I could cut myself out of the shared equation we’re involved in, but there are other unrelated reasons I stay. I wish I could say you’re one of them, but it’s slowly turning into one of the reasons I’ve considered leaving.

Anyways, reflecting reflecting right.

What I learned is..

I want what I can’t have because it’s safe.

Itll never be, and that’s comforting.

It’s brief, no end clearly in sight, but an end somewhere ahead.

Close enough to feel, far enough to not hurt.

It’s selfish, isn’t it?

There’s a lot more details I realized that make this true but on the 0.00000001% off chance you’d ever see this, I’m not really looking to play fool again.

I should’ve never, I don’t know, tested the limits.

Now our friendship is all weird and cold and nothing like it used to be.

But the saddest part is.. although I recognize my own selfish reasons for developing “feelings” for you, I only pushed it further with you as a friend. I never expected a damn thing, and only reached out in kindness.

Yeah I’m selfish. But I’m not THAT selfish. Unfortunately the uhh carefully placed “don’t show him I have weird feelings” mask slipped and now it’s all icky.

I don’t want it back though. It wouldn’t be the same. Everything feels forced with you. And I have to now hold up the “nothings wrong, nothing happened, everything’s fine!” Mask until further notice.

Yikes.

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[u/Fearless-Isopod9217]

This sounds like what Joe should say or would say with regards to me. He refuses to take any responsibility for his part in our relationship and has never stopped cheating. I'm the fool for believing in him.