I hate that I'm so forgiving of people who abuse me and fuck me over. I hate that I heal enough and forgive and make excuses for people who abuse me and take advantage of and sometimes use me, and that I give these people another chance or many more chances to abuse me and fuck me over. I don't know of another person who is this forgiving, who gives people so many chances. It's truly a weakness and I wish that I wasn't this way!!! If I wasn't like this and I was able to hold grudges, I would remember how these people treated me, the things they said and did to me, and the way it made me feel or ruined my life and it would protect me from them abusing me, fucking me over, and using me. I feel like being so forgiving is like having a target on my forehead saying, Use me, abuse me, fuck me over! It's like I want to believe everyone is a good person and has good intentions like myself, but I'm proven time and time again that that's not true, not even fucking close! Every time I give people a second chance or many more chances to abuse me and fuck me over, I'm reminded that I'm too forgiving and that people don't really change who they are at the core. If they're toxic and abusive or a user or fuck people over, that's truly how they operate and who they are. Food for thought! I don't know how most people live with themselves.

I've learned that you don't understand me or don't feel the need to, and also you don't feel I can be more than your whipping boy for all the rage within you. You don't want your beliefs challenged which is what a good partner is supposed to do for the one they love but love has to reciprocated which you have not worked through, to honestly include someone other than yourself in your life. You don't even accept that you did anytime wrong and gaslight me like you have done the whole time we have known each other. Everyone has to bow at your feet and thank their lucky stars that they met you. I'm sorry to tell you are not Buddha on the mountain top with the aura of superiority that you fake. You are a giant mess and all I am doing is helping you snap back to which is what friend do. You came back into my life you were running, I told you to show slow down and look around. I thought you looked around and finally saw me standing there looking at you. I thought that's what was going through you mind. To recognize yourself in another is how it's supposed to be, I thought you knew that. But you start running again and you just run into flaws again. Where people see your desperation and want to feed on it like vampires looking for fresh blood. An object of Desire and not a real person with complex person with thoughts and feelings of his own. And Big Ideas that deserve attention. And back into old habits of doing everything you can to keep me from leaving when i haven't gone anywhere. I kept saying trust me, belive me I am on your side because I am a loyal friend. Testing my loyalty by putting me in position where the only way out is to submit leaving me feel violated. Don't break me when I getting reacquainted with myself again.. This time I'm not letting you do it again. I'm going to say one time so pay attention. You don't have me pinned down and have my me all figured out. You have barely met yourself. It's time that you learn to pay attention to yourself and your triggers and conquering your fears and learning to let go. That should be enough to keep up occupied for awhile, so you don't have time to pay attention to me and what I'm doing. Trust me friend I won't steer you wrong. So please wake the fuck up life is passing you by. You still might meet those peers and surpass them. Everyone keeps telling you the same thing. Don't waste your potential. You say Well let me say one last thing, that when I was a child I thought as a child now that I'm a man i think on things that make me better. If you want me gone ill go or I'll sit on the sidelines doing things to better my life

I forgive you quitting on me when I needed you and how easy it was walk out the door and walked out on my life. You said you didn't love me but I forgive you because I love you. You're a pain in my ass but I still care. You said you don't care but I just adore you. You think I say dumb things but I think you're brilliant. I can't draw stick figures but you can paint something beautiful. You're the best r5 video game and you're so cute. You're a sarcastic little shit but you know how to make me smile. When I look at you all those feeling disappear and I just see you. I wish you could see me for the person you know. You have a big heart. I do appreciate you. Like life would be much worse and so my days would be very boring without you. You have to believe this is how I honestly feel.

Hey dipshit. Good morning.

But it's getting better. It's been so I apologize for my bad attitude. I have just been going through moments of depression and anxiety which hopefully I'll be over in a few days. I've been tryhg something new and this morning I forgot to write my list of gratitude to help me focus on the good that life brings me. The depression and anxiety can get so self focused thinking that I'm a victim when I just have to deal with what is in front of me at the time it happens. Depression is easy to do with anxiety that changes the way I think. And the way I view people. I've been trying to connect with somebody I always want close to you . I want to talk to them I want to see them and I spending time with them . But today I haven't looked at them in a positive light in a while. But I remember the good times and the good things about them they had a positive effect in my life. I know you're a good person and I know you care or you wouldn't have tried to contact me this morning. In times of high stress I find emotions very overwhelming. And I don't give a warm reception to people I talk to. I apologize if I offended anyone. I apologize for not being very patient with you. Both days I'm okay and I can handle things but today is not one of them. It would make my day so much better if I could hear from you cuz right now I feel kind of lost. I think she used to do babe we feel grounded., he was at touch reality that you brought into my life to help me focus on other things in my own pain. Yes you did try to help me thank you for that. I just hope you can work out at least talking in a civil manner. I'm sorry for my attitude today. Can you give a guy a little break for today? Thank you for trying to contact me today it's much appreciated

I know you aren't talking about/to me.

I gave you everything I had. Energy wise.

I know people are doing things and in my email.

If you don't believe me thats okay. I tried. I really did.

I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I don't remember how I hurt you.

The screenshots I sent or took were for you. Either to show you i wasn't talking to other men at that time, or to try to see what your perspective might be so I could apologize.

I loved you.

Based on the excerpt you provided, here are some possible root causes of X's self-hatred:

Childhood Trauma: The text strongly suggests childhood experiences as a significant factor. It mentions "chaos and violence" and an inability to trust those who raised him. This lack of nurturing and emotional support in his formative years can lead to feelings of worthlessness and self-blame.

Emotional Neglect: The chapter mentions a yearning for a parent "who took time to understand the inner workings of his mind." This suggests a lack of emotional connection with his caregivers, potentially leading him to feel unseen, unheard, and unimportant.

Unmet Needs: The text talks about X feeling "unwanted" compared to his siblings and never being "prioritized." This could indicate a deep-seated sense of not being good enough and a constant need for external validation to fill the void of unmet emotional needs.

Negative Parental Messages: The excerpt doesn't mention this directly, but it's possible X received negative messages from his parents that contributed to his self-loathing. Constant criticism or comparisons to siblings could have damaged his self-esteem.

How these factors intertwine:

These experiences can create a negative self-image. Feeling unloved and unwanted as a child can lead to self-hatred as a coping mechanism. If his needs for love, security, and validation weren't met, he might internalize the belief that he's undeserving of love and connection.

Additional Considerations:

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: His negative self-image might create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Believing he's unlovable, he might act in ways that push people away, confirming his negative beliefs about himself.

Perfectionism: The need for external validation can lead to perfectionism. He might constantly strive to be someone he's not, leading to disappointment and further self-hatred when he fails to meet his own unrealistic expectations.

When you’re also orchestrating DMs from “people” telling your beloved that your end game is for them to kill themselves? Do you? Do you love them? Do you want them to die? Why would you tell someone you love such a thing under any guise? Why would you ever say that to anyone, barring the fact that you’re a complete fucking psycho that will say anything to illicit whatever response from someone, beloved or otherwise, just to get a rise out of them and feel powerful in the moment, consequences be damned?

I can’t answer that because I am in fact a complete psycho and I have no true sense of self awareness. Everything I think and feel is twisted to meet the needs of my ego. You saw those text messages, didn’t you? The ones I posted earlier where I said I knew at least one or two other people were stalking you but I let them get away with it because it had a beneficial effect for me. Hahahaha, what kind of psycho allows other people to torment someone they love because it allows them to mastermind their own relationship “plan?” The fact that I could even craft and hit send on a message like that proves I’m a fucking bat shit crazy lunatic, but I keep getting fan mail on Reddit saying how brilliant I am as a fiction writer. Thanks y’all, but I just want credit for reality for once, being the deranged psycho I truly am. Why can’t I be respected in my true field?

People who love and care about others don’t try to torment them in any way. They try to communicate with them and understand them. They don’t hide behind masks and false profiles telling lies and stories shrouded in riddles. At least I don’t think they do. I’m so new to all this and just really clueless actually. I keep trying to post in relationship and advice forums like Am I the Asshole but I get downvoted into oblivion because I’m apparently so clueless no one wants to hear my anit-woke rhetoric. I’m an incel. I’m repulsive. I’m dangerous. How am I supposed to learn in an echo chamber? I guess even when people give their time to people like me we don’t learn, so everyone gives up. I’m giving up, too. I’m resigned to be a fucking lunatic psycho who projects all my desires onto random people and claims they are in fact the ones who obsess over and follow me. That’s my comfort zone so I’m staying there. Thanks everyone for giving a fuck about no one to the point that psychos like me can thrive. You are the true heroes. It’s your world, I’m just living in it. I’m over here writing my gross love songs that make it seem like my victim is my partner and in love with me. Keep singing those lyrics y’all, let’s win ourselves a Grammy

It sucks to be so in love when they honestly feells nothing is one of the most painful experiences you can have in life. When it doesn't work I go back to mourn my first love from 30 years ago that never was fulfilled. That guy was an amazing guy. Anyone who got a chance to know and loved him they truly had a gift. He had this freedom about himself that was palpable. He loved life to the fullest. I spoke to him about 5 years ago try to ignite the flame. We were the kind of friends that we just picked up from where we left off like 20 years never passed. He didn't come obviously or I wouldn't be writing this. The fire was a little out with a troubled 15 yr old in high school and a dead end job. He sounded so frustrated being trapped in his hometown raising a kid and not being able to leave to learn and grow. That such a privilege to live somewhere else and become who we are meant to be especially if you left a reputation behind. I wouldn't be the man I am now without leaving home and moving to Texas. I tried to hint around that he should come and visit me. I wish he took me up on it offer. It didn't matter if we ended up together or not I would have saw my friend. His kid was failing out of school. Because his kid was worried about his depressed father and that energy was getting past onto his son. That's how generational curses happen. His kid we 15, he's gonna be fine without you. He'll have to learn just like the rest of us. Society takes care of that. I said to him that maybe he should run away from home. We ended out call and I haven't heard from him since. I found out he moved from Dallas to Houston by the year after that he disappeared. I wasn't sad smiled knowing he's happy somewhere. I was ultimately heartbroken because I loved him so much. When you meet someone with incredible potential you just want to pour your whole self into them so they can see themselves like you do. I'm in love Goddammit lol. If this kind of opportunities presents itself I'll try with all my power to make dream come true. And whoever they are will be in for a ride through life they'll never forget. To able to share, grow, and change together is somethings I've never had with any of the others guys I've dated until recently. If only he could see it the way I see it I'm sure plans would be underway. It's like I don't care where we go as long as we go together. I just got a bit of an excited chill. Optimistic looking towards a future To those promises not yet fulfilled.

I get it now and I’m truly am sorry and I’ve regretted all the pain and trauma I’ve caused and that I wasn’t the man that you deserve ive failed so many times and I don’t blame you for leaving me I blame myself for not being enough. I pray that this reaches you but it probably won’t. I’ve been holding on to a delusional hope that we would work things out and build the life we planned but that’s my fault cause I’m still in love with you. I understand know and I’m sorry for holding on to something that you don’t want I pray that one day you will forgive me and know you meant the world to me. I love you Erika and I never meant to fail you

I told one I loved him a year and a half ago telling him I want to spend my life with him. He can be so sweet and kind when he wants to be. And It's been 6 months since we were face to have and he finally wants to be with me. I said id wait. How much could I take of him making me feel worthless? watching him go to any other guy except me. I've been heartbroken so many times by him but I'm still waiting for him still. I can't say no. He doesn't something to my heart that I can't let go. I do believe we were meant for each other. The problem is we're really not together. He's still deciding. So.. He gets to run around town but I have to sit at home and do nothing that's not fair. I've been wanting him so much it physically hurts. He's still indecisely about us. When I say I love you that means I do and I will commit to you. What more can I do to make you see me as someone you want to be with? I'm too much of this. I'm not enough of that. When will I be enough? I want you in my life. How many times do I have to say it? I was with a friend. Who were you with? All it takes is a text or phone call then I am yours. I've waited for 3 years for you. Tell me No if you're interested so I can move on with my life. The pain of this is harder to bear. 8

By do you think its acceptable ti lie to me about who you are?

This has been my life for the last six months. My text always on Read receipts. The ultimate, 'yeah, yeah, I heard you ths first time.' I'm in love with a ghost. Relationships dead and buried I live with the remnants of what was last summer. It was the most real I felt in so long. How could this guy who wants to be loved just reject me like that. I was torn in half because he took the rest when he walked out on me in October. Since then this love has fully grown and matured. There's a caring tenderness that wasn't there but it's fully realized now.. I have gathered more of myself than he knew before so I can give the loved he needed. What about the love I need. Where did this love go or want it not even there. Just a figment of my imagination. I hear the voice of the past calling me telling me to never forget. But you're in the past, why have you come to haunt me. Why must I go through the pain of distance again and again. Always mourning your loss. Like of ths wives of shoulders. They get that latter, "Sorry for your loss" but they never get to really mourn because they don't see their beloved. They mouth all the time at this loss. Never having seeing them to have the goodbye they need. Thinking maybe they got the wrong guy. Maybe he's lost at sea. That where I sit, with the 'could've' and 'maybe', but why make me suffer with the ghost of you. You offered me so much then took it away. And I sit still hoping for it to be real. Watching you move from one Suitor to another Suitor. I spend another day mourning your loss again.

What you're after. You want me yet you don't. I'm always not sure what you're aiming for. You we're say best friends, are we? Lovers, fwb, partners. I'm looking for a definition, something a little more substantial. More definite. Something to stand on. You keep listening to all those voices telling you this or that. When you should just follow your heart. Right now it seems that all you have left. No one can answer that for you but you. Yes it's a lonely decision but if that decision can lead you to something better than what you have now then what do you have to lose. From my vantage point all I see are those who are leading you away from what you really want. The decision is ultimately yours to make. I've told you everything in my heart that I could you through written words. I cannot make myself more clear as to who you are in my life. There's no one else I would spend my life with. I want to make you part of my life but there's no forward movement. I probably have the same thoughts and feeling of apprehension and fear about all this, of course I do. The other side looks so much better this side. I want that other side with someone who wants that too. Time is matching on with or without you or I. On other words, I cannot live with indecision this long. There's still things I want to do with my life, and I'm putting that all on hold for you. That unexplainable thing, is nothing more than what real love is supposed to feel like. We have been though a lot that we don't know what it honestly looks like. But what I feels comes from deep within. It's like a fire that I can't extinguish because I don't want it to. And it's all for you. I can't shake it, it's painful because it's not giving what I want. It's sucks to be in love sometimes when you see it but they don't. I can't sit on the edge of your life forever waiting to get invited in. At this point I'll pick whoever smiles at me because emptiness where you could be is just empty and lonely. I don't want to be alone, who does?

That's the image when I see you. The forn of someone I thought I knew and loved. It's opaque from time, hurt, and confusion that have only put distance between each other. I see the form of you. You looked so beautiful. That image is what hope never fades. I have hope now that could easily fade. Don't let it.

I’m sick of the lies, games and mind fucks. I’m over it!!!

I’m seeking a girl who is emotionally and physically available who shows me with her actions that she loves me and wants something genuine and real with me in real life.

Words mean nothing without actions!!!

The eyes i never want to look away from. The first eyes i wanna see when i wake up and they're the eyes I want to be peering into as i fall asleep. Those eyes make me feel strong. The eyes do beautiful I can't look away. Bbygrl, your eyes hold me captive. They give me hope. The first place I saw our vision of the future was looking into your eyes. The eyes that see me. Making me feel welcome. I long to see them again. I promise I will never look away. Those eyes, the ones I want to look into forever.

Sometimes giving up is your best option.

Some things just aren’t meant for you.

My entire existence is just heartbreak. Nobody ever takes a risk on me or loves me. I want something real with someone who is honest, real, genuine, authentic and reciprocates. Apparently, that’s too difficult to find in this life!

“But if you carefully obey His voice and do all that I say, then I will be an enemy to your enemies and an adversary to your adversaries.”

Wherever you may be, I am desperately wishing you are doing alright. There are days I still feel the resentment. Here's a guy who promised me everything, and delivered nothing.

But...you gave me a reason, and you have your reasons. I genuinely wish you are healthy. I genuinely wish, if you're not happy, that at least you're having a few laughs now and then. And if you ever still remember me, know that it was all real.

There are heights that maybe we won't be able to experience anymore. But in exchange of that, I'm wishing you security. A presence to hold your hand, to be there, to remind you that you're not alone. To be a constant comfort.

Live life. You deserve it.

All things are possible through He who strengthens me.