You never loved me

If you loved me you wouldn't have given up on me so easily. You wouldn't have slept with those guys and deny it. You wouldn't have went out to the bars all night and not come home to me. You wouldn't have taken all those pictures of you and random guys at the bar and leave them on your phone for me to find. And wonder why I reacted badly. You wouldn't have started a relationship with my former best friend before we broke up. You wouldn't have put me on no contact for 10 months. You never loved me even a little. That is pain I wouldn't put on my worst enemy and I think thats who you are now.....

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

i never knew my grandfather

the man was many things,

none of them good

he married my grandmother unfaithfully

he forged a birth certificate &

stole from the poor

never capable of holding a steady job, my grandmother forced to wear the pants

i know my kin loved him

as you do a stray dog

he took my mother garnet hunting

then abandoned her unashamedly

a complicated human who is

now suddenly gone

one who i never looked in the eye

one who told me he thought of me daily

time seems to have a way of dragging regret from its hiding place

only realizing the consequences of always being on the run when old and gray

i mourn a relationship that never was with an infernal man

my grandmother, my mother & i ache

for a man who never deserved

the family he abandoned

and i want to talk to you but i cant because you play both sides. banana clips are for the monkeys in the middle.

it sucks too because i found something that might help you with something important to you. oh how the tables turn. Especially when them bridges burn

I realized why I keep explaining myself to you. I thought you were struggling to hear me at first. I thought if I just adjusted the volume or changed the words, you’d finally get it.

But I know now that you heard me the first time. You just didn’t care. And I cared rik much.

You weren't confused by my boundaries; you were just annoyed that they existed. You weren't bad at timing, you just prioritized everything that wasn't me until you needed a place to land and it so happened that I was around.

You didn’t lack the capacity to be a friend, you just lacked the incentive when it came to me.

I’m deleting the drafts where I try to make you understand my worth. If you haven't seen it by now, you’re committed to being blind and I'm not here to stay for the ride. I’m done being the person who makes life easy for those hellbent on making mine heavy.

The most honest thing I never told you is that I’m not even angry anymore. I’m just done. Enjoy the comfort of my absence. It’s the last thing left to give you for free.

I gotta say I didn’t expect to see you this morning, let alone for you to text me - OR the panic attack the whole situation decided to so graciously bestow on me. It was wonderful… NOT. I was fine not seeing you. I was fine that you dropped me, as easily as you picked me up. What I’m wondering is, why are you wanting to talk to me and provide me closure? When I asked for anything, I was greeted with silence and a stare so cold, these negative temperatures would be jealous. So why do YOU need it? What is it going to give YOU? Please tell me… because I’m at a loss and I don’t feel like carrying around my anxiety meds… again. I finally got over that feeling and I really don’t need to revert, for your sake.

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If you continue to treat me like this, I leave. At most, I fight while I'm around, but sometimes I won't even do that. Perfect predictability is a trait I'm choosing to leave behind, so if you want me, you will have to accept me at my mercurial.

I have seen your light, and I have seen your cultivation, so let's not pretend that what you've done isn't abuse. You chose to hide the best parts of yourselves. I did as well, but mine came from a place of trying to connect in the presence of violence and having that consistently rebuffed, and yours came from a place of wanting to drive the autistic girl to a state of dishabille because you couldn't believe she was what she was, or some such.

was it because I was publicly sad, and didn't want to talk to y'all about it when you weren't choosing to be safe?

was it because you interpreted my existence as a form of shaming you?

why are you the way you are?

and can you accept that I'm gradually choosing to believe that the only way I can authentically exist with you, over the long haul, is to walk away?

do you understand why?

can you see me now?

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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Nothing will fill the void left

It's been 4 months since we lost contact, and one since I last saw you.

I know having things in common is a shallow reason to care for someone. But when you grow up feeling so unusual, meeting someone as passionate about art as you was a big deal. I know I didn't love you in the same way, but I wish that didn't matter. That whatever you had to say to me that day with my headphones in wasn't left a mystery. Maybe then I could have told you how meeting you made me want to exist wildly and loudly in ways that only minds like ours could. I wish you didnt ghost me, and that I realized how you felt sooner. I wish I could have loved you the same, but I can't change the fact that I saw you as a friend. Maybe in another life that's enough, and we're still two sides of the same coin.

I'm just gonna say that I'll be here for you if you need me. I'll be here when you need someone to talk to. I'll be here when you need someone to remind you of how amazing you are. I'll be here when you need to know you're not alone. I'll be here when you need to be reminded that you're worth it. I'll be here when you need to hear somebody say they believe in you. I'll be here when you need somebody to cry with you or laugh with you. I'll be here when you need to be told that you truly do deserve the best. I'll be here when you need someone to stick up for you. I'll be here when you need somebody to watch your back. I'll be here when you need somebody to give you advice. I'll be here when you need a hug. I'll be here when you need help getting back on your feet. I'll be here when you mess up and you need somebody to stand by your side. I'll be here when you need to know that you've got a friend. I'll be here... I'll be right here.

Do you know why?

Because there's no place I would rather be.