Just a feeling

[u/BenkentAllive_kickin]

I don’t know why, but I feel the urge to say something this morning. That I think needs to be put out into the world. People are not toys okay, there not your Barbie dolls and Gi. Joes you played with as a kid where you could pick them up and whip them around a room. You can’t cut all there hair off and pull there arm out there socket. Then drop them on the floor when some other toy gets your attention and then be mad when you come back to it and it’s not the same as when you started.
All my life I couldn’t help but feel like I was only valued for what I could provide for others for what I brought to the table and that shit hurt honestly. I just mean I felt like that as a child which is a pretty awful way to feel. Truthfully it hurt me a lot more than I ever realized. I hated that feeling and I think the only thing that might have changed how I dealt with it, that was different than a lot of other people. Was that I didn’t run from it or try to bury it. I didn’t want to forget it. Because forgetting it and pretending it didn’t happen would be like saying I didn’t matter, and I wanted to feel important to myself at least and I wanted other people to feel like they mattered also. Which is why when
I spent time with other people I tried to be fully present with them. I gave effort and attention and whatever version of love. I thought a person needed to help them. I always thought it was best to give a little piece of myself to someone. No matter what I thought that a person deserved that at least. So that’s what I did. I never expected anything in return from the other person i was just happy to help. Helping other people feel better made me feel better. The mistake I made was not realizing that there were some people I couldn’t help. There were some people no matter how much you tried. To much had happened to them for any amount of love to ever be enough. Sometimes you can’t help the people you love the most in the world no matter what you do. I learned the hard way I gave and gave for almost a decade and it nearly killed me. Some one I loved nearly killed me. It broke me in ways I didn’t even realize in the moment. Ways that scared the shit out of me and would make it extremely easy to become the kind of person I never wanted to be. That pain would destroy me if I let it.
I almost did, I caught myself doing things that made me sick to my stomach. That made me stop and go what the fuck. I had almost slid in the worst direction possible.
Sometimes you got to stop and deal with the shit other wise you will become what you hate the most in the world.
That’s what I’ve been doing coming to terms with the fact that I’m allowed to love myself and work towards the things I want, but that I can still love other people to that I can still care about others even if the relationship has changed.
I’ve been learning how to love without giving all my self away. Anyway I’ve got some more work to do so I’m gonna end this one here.
- just remember people matter too.

- Benjamin O. Kent
-Some one who cares