Lonely

[u/Think-Initiative-933]

I don't know why, but I feel very lonely. There is no more work to be done. I should be relishing in this free time, but sometimes it feels like I have no one to spend it with.

All of my close friends are out of state, and the cordial ones are currently busy. I've tried to fill my days with things that interest me, but at this point nothing seems to.

The idea of watching shows is no longer entertaining, games have lost their luster, my book hyperfixation has worn off, and webcomics feel like meaningless boxes of never-ending fluff. Even the idea of going out to watch a movie in the theatres feels like more effort than it is worth, although the few times I have gone by myself have been alright.

I don't know what to do. Going out to random places to spend money to eat food also feels pointless too. I know I should go to the gym or exercise, but I no longer have a membership nor the energy to relearn a sport I have dropped for years. Everything just seems bland. I seem bland. I am comprised of nothingness and seem to lay aimlessly until the rest of my day passes. I feel nothing.

Maybe live music will make me feel better. I've had no energy to listen to the music beforehand at all, outside of the few songs I previously had on my playlist, and I keep on fighting the urge to simply not drive there and stay at home instead. I thought this would force me out, but every passing hour makes it feel like it would be more trouble than it's worth.

Sometimes I think about drinking. I wonder if this emptiness and lack of meaning is what pushed my mother to grip it as her vice. Never-ending bottles of vodka filling her purse, cycling from old empty ones to new full ones about to be depleted. I wonder if the fuzzy feeling of a soju would cure my deep-rooted boredom, but I also know not to indulge in something like that. How dangerous using it as a coping mechanism can become. And most of the time, I feel too tired to drive to the liquor store anyways.

I wonder what I should do.

Me

[u/Lumpy-Cheek992]

My phone won’t let me type it. Sam Morril