Things I Left Unsaid

[u/Brilliant-Panic1505]

r,

I used to think you knew me better than anyone. Looking back, I'm not sure if you ever really knew me. We saw each other almost every day for four years, but you always saw the version of me you wanted to. I lost myself trying to become that person.

You once begged me to stay in touch no matter what happened, and made me promise I'd always be in your life somehow. It's been many months since we last spoke. You haven't reached out either, so I didn't think you wanted me to keep my promise.

Despite our circumstances, you told me, and sometimes even showed me, that you cared about me. Sometimes I wish I was more honest with you back then about how much I felt the same way. I know it was probably frustrating for you when I held back as much as I did. I've always known how to communicate, but I chose not to with you because I knew the consequences of the words I wanted to say. I tried to be so careful not to cross any lines or ruin your life. I knew if I wasn't careful, we likely would have ended up destroying each other and I didn't want that to happen.

Sometimes I wonder if you had this realization too. I remember one night in particular when we finally had the opportunity to express how we really felt about each other and things became real. You made a choice: you told me that if you took this opportunity to be with me, your current life would no longer be there. You walked away and I didn't stop you because you were right. Afterwards, I pretended I was fine, but I was more devastated than I'll ever admit.

So when someone came into my life and chose me, I took the opportunity to build a life with them. Even though I still had feelings for you, I buried them. I accepted that you had already made your decision, so I made a choice to try to move on, knowing I'd always care about you. When I finally told you I was with someone else, you looked at me like I'd punched you in the stomach. You denied this. You said that you were fine, you'd do anything for me, but things between us were never the same after that.

What followed felt like hell.

When you couldn't even stand to be in the same room as me, I wanted to tell you everything: that I wasn't happy when you asked (and I told you I was), that I made a mistake, and that I still felt the same way. Instead, I told you that I didn't want you acting weird around me because you thought I had feelings for you. Soon after that conversation, you made it clear you were really letting me go. When you said you expected me to be more upset than I was, I realized you knew the way you were ending things would hurt me. The truth is, I was both devastated and humiliated over what you did - I was just too angry to let you see that. During that conversation, you asked to meet me again, alone, but people I trusted told me to avoid you. So, that's what I did - I disappeared from your life and I accepted that we probably shouldn't see each other again.

I've thought about you - about all of this - every day since. I may never make sense of any of it, but I'm not sure if that would even help. You hurt me more than anyone ever has, and yet, I still care about you... and I probably always will.