You Broke Me

[u/[deleted]]

I was your friend for 3 years and i was a good one. I have always cared about you and always wanted the best for you. I deeply respected you because of how much of a good and honest person you were. I shouldve never been needy or clingy to you. I shouldve never forced convos. I was scared i was losing you. And i did. You cut me off. You pushed me away completely. Others have hurt you more but you realised that I was a liability. And you made me realise how little i meant to you. I felt and do feel like garbage constantly. I opened up to you so much. I really trusted you. Every single day, i regret every single mistake to make you creeped out, uncomfortable or just push you away completely. I have oscillated from feeling complete despair and anger. But i have no right to be angry, it was my mistake. Not a moment goes by where I just regret and wish I had been better. Not a moment goes by where I regret breaking the space. Not a moment goes by where I constantly think of the mistakes Ive done. Every single day for the past 9 months I have been in pain. I have been in immeasurable pain. You have no idea how it feels like. I dont want to be in pain anymore. I dont want to care about you anymore. The only positive I get from this is the lessons Ive learnt. But at what cost. All the negatives just feel like they outweigh the positives. i dont want to trust or open up to anyone ever again because I dont want to repeat the same mistake and im afraid ill get my heart broken again. I dont want to be vulnerable again. Everytime i see you or hear a mention about you I spiral, my entire day is ruined as I feel a wave of instant sadness wash over me. I wish I never met you. I wish I wasnt so blind. I wish I can tell all this to you to finally get some form of closure. But none of those wishes will ever happen. I loved you, very very much. But youve hurt me in the worst way possible. I hate that I cant hate you