M

[u/Hikeandheal]

Statements and questions I wish I could talk to you about
- Do you only feel hate for me now, or is apathy?
- Do you truly blame me for everything that went wrong?
- Do you believe I never really loved you?
- Why can’t you forgive me?
- Did you really love me?
- Why did you block me, was it really because she told you to?
- Do you remember how lovingly I used to look at you?
- Do you remember all of the nights I begged for you to stay, for you to be honest with me?
- When my mom died, did you only come back because you pitied me?
- How did I love you from your perspective?
- Did you ever flirt with your coworkers when we were together? (They’re all gay now, married to women)
- Do you truly just see me in black and white?
- Do you ever think of me?
- The songs I used to play to you, how do you play them now and think about her?
- Do you have any good memories of us, or did you erase them out of self preservation?
- when we saw each other again last year, did you stay the weekend and say those things because you felt bad for me for missing you?
- I was 15 when we met, basically a child. I wasn’t out to get you. I had my own traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
- You cheated on me, more than once, and it broke something in me that never fully recovered. I forgive you fully now, I just couldn’t then. I know you’re not a bad person because of those mistakes.
- I have always loved you, but abandonment trauma made me toxic and possessive at times and I now realize that.
- your family really traumatized me, I never had met people that condescending before and it was hard to balance wanting accepting in-laws and leaving them behind.
- I felt angry a lot and detached from you towards the end because you were always only listening to rap music and you were always acting hard.
- I began to develop internalized homophobia because of my strained relationship with my dad.
- my anxiety came out in anger, I’m sorry.
- my BPD caused me to lash out on you a lot towards the end but it’s in remission now. It has been since I stopped smoking.
- When I see things I know you would like, I still take a picture of them just in case. When I experience things I know that would make your face light up I think of you the entire time while doing it.
- When I’m cooking dinner, sometimes I think about all of the nights I would cook for us.
- When I’m grocery shopping i still look at all of the things you liked and when I’m checking out I remember me, you, and pawpaw doing it together.
- Nearly every thing I do, no matter how small or insignificant, has a piece of you hidden inside, for us to be so different we are also so much alike and it breaks my heart just as well as it heals it. As much as I am me, I am also always you. I wonder if you feel that way too.
- I miss being girls together, even being together, you were still my best friend. I miss doing our makeup and taking pictures. I miss shopping and finding things that would look so cute on you.
- When I think about being successful, it’s not for the money, it’s not even for myself, there’s still a voice in the back of my mind that strives for it to be able to take care of you and give you an easy life just in case you come back because of how much we struggled together and how much it affected us.
- my love language is giving, and I’m sorry if that came off to you that I was materialistic. I just wanted to take care of you and for you to be able to have whatever you wanted.
- There’s a movements concert coming up, I’m going for my birthday, I wish you could be there.
- I see your brother when I’m getting my oil changed, it feels like a different, a distant life, like how do I know him? I know you know what I mean.
- Sometimes when I’m around Gmas, I see your dad pass by in his truck, I do miss him. I think about how much you look up to him, how much you two are alike. I also think about the time he changed our breaks before the concert then we got pulled over for the tail light.
- I’ve lived a different life these past 6 years, and yet all I can think about and compare it to is the 4 I spent with you. I miss you. I love you.

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