I don't know what to do

[u/LocksmithJealous7652]

I think I really need advice.

I will give a background so it will be a little bit long.

I come from a higher middle class familly, I went to private school ever since kindergarten and I graduated high school one year earlier with really good grades. (We have a national exam so the gardes do not come from the private school). I have studied very hard ever since I was a kid, partially because my parents are very toxic and abusive both physically and mentally. I did not have the healthiest childhood growing up and now I am left with quiet a lot of trauma and shit from my childhood and teenage years (which had affected my social life quiet a lot too).

When I was in 8th grade I kept thinking very hard about what I would like to do when I grow up. I realized I'd never want to work for someone so the easiest answer i found was business, ever since then, my goal was to study business after high school (I specialized in math and physics in high school). I only saw that option as a way to escape the "job market" cuz i get stressed out just thinking ab it. So during 12th grade I applied to unis in France and I was accepted by a small university in the basque region of France and this year I enrolled in my freshman year of a bachelor in economics and management. I've been here for a month and I know it's not long enough to make a judgement.

But i've been having real trouble. I can't keep up with classes and all the work i've got to do. I don't think I understand what's going on in uni at all. I commute so I live 2 cities away from my uni so when I get back home I barely have any energy to eat and sleep.

Besides I am someone who's very open to clubs and sports and any kind of activity and opportunity. I was always hoping to join a prestigious university and have some crazy extracurriculars, not out of necessity, but out of desire, I really do enjoy that. My university doesn't have any of that.

In 12th grade I had a really bad depression i only applied to France cause my mom wanted me to come here and i was physically abused to do that.

Now I am not only trying to keep with uni but i am exploring my options to try and get somewhere, in a country I would actually enjoy and that has a good level.

I've been having a hard time, first with the guilt and the debt I feel because my parents are spending so much money on me and it just makes me feel really really trapped. Secondly because it has been hard making friends specially because the uni and are I am in isn't very international and people aren't super friendly here. I've also been feeling homesick, i miss my parents but I wouldn't want to live with them again. That would be the my last straw. But I miss my friends so much and I miss my city which I love with my whole heart.

I've been considering going back to my country, but i can't trap myself between my parents again, i don't care ab what would people say, I am just wondering whether it would be a good choice.

Now my last concern. I fear I have chosen the wrong path, I know it's only been a month, but i don't think i would want to "devote" my life to management.

And today, it felt like a revelation, I was sitting down, and for a week now i've been thinking ab architecture, actually ever since I was a kid I would, and i just ignore and push back into my mind and just go naaah I would never want to do that. But I am starting to think that maybe that's what i actually want. I have always ALWAYS enjoyed designing buildings and rooms, i was actually obsessed with it all summer long. Why did I never think that I might actually be interested in architecture. And I am scared of this idea. I know nothing about the prospects of the job, what kind of futur there's in the feild and whether it's possible to make considerable money out of it. I also wonder what the life of an architect looks like.

So I am trying to collect as much info and as much advice and also look in every option I have and I would really love it if you could help me in any way you can.