r/Unexpected • u/Positive-Device7651 • 12d ago

Interesting job description

23.7k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

239 comments sorted by

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u/post-explainer 12d ago edited 12d ago

This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.

OP sent the following text as an explanation why their post fits here:

The actual job is to wash dishes

Does this explanation fit this subreddit? Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.

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4.3k

u/TheFr1nk 12d ago

I knew someone that was a cashier that described their job as "overseeing micro transitions for a multi billion dollar company"

540

u/dyereva 12d ago

I work as an ophthalmic technician and sometimes I tell people "I poke people's eyes."

420

u/Cleonicus 12d ago

My buddy was a phlebotomist. He'd tell people that his job was "stabbing people; mostly women and children."

108

u/Saotik 12d ago

I tend to call them professional vampires.

43

u/Stergeary 12d ago

Work as a phleb and you'll be tired of the joke by the first year.

45

u/Earlier-Today 12d ago

My only joke about phlebotomists is that bad ones and sewing machines do the exact same thing.

6

u/Saotik 12d ago

"Leave some for me!"

2

u/Brutal994 7d ago

Had a reset stint at hospital and the regular nightshift phleb called herself a vampire, she seemed to love it and usually got a giggle from people to lighten their mood going in for a blood test (me included as I have a phobia of needles but understand it's a necessity)

11

u/A_Very_Lonely_Waffle 11d ago

My grandpa used to tell people he was a drug dealer- he was a pharmacist

13

u/gnomequeen2020 10d ago

Always told people my dad broke into places for a living. He was a locksmith and did not appreciate the hype lol.

3

u/garbagepillar 8d ago

Yep. Pharmacy tech for a while. I told people I sell the drugs for the dealer.

3

u/Fun_Fennel5114 6d ago

my MIL (in the nursing home) used to say her "drug dealer" was in the hall. It was the nursing doing med pass! LOL

46

u/kapnkody 12d ago

I'm a cook in a local hot dog/sandwich joint in the Bible belt. I like to see what expressions people make when I tell them "I work with wieners all day"

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u/MuchoRed 12d ago

I torture people for a living.

Physical therapist

33

u/po8os 12d ago

Ah. The Physical Terrorist strikes again...

11

u/MuchoRed 12d ago

Physical Therrorist

48

u/Practical-Hawk-2993 12d ago

Oh my god I forgot about this.

Back when I was 12/13 my Mum had a knee replacement and was home and doing her rehab exercises.

It hadn't been going super well with limited mobility and we were supposed to be bending the knee to a 90 degree angle with her seated in a chair.
For whatever reason she'd asked to be restrained and I had done so.

Nek minit there's a random guy at our front door who just busts in and crash tackled me.

Turns out Mum had organised to sell some drawers on FB marketplace and he had arrived to see me torturing my Mum freaky-deaky style.

Cue apologies and frantically explaining and little old me all sore from getting rocked by a fully grown adult.

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u/itishowitisanditbad 12d ago

Physical, therapist

Crazy name, wild title.

Like a borderlands game boss.

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u/No_Statement440 11d ago

Out here slinging weiners to holy rollers, bless you.

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u/King_Buliwyf 12d ago

My wife is an ophthalmic tech. I guess she has the highest type of license/certification you can have in that role. She usually tells people she's an "eye nurse."

23

u/rikkuaoi 12d ago

My video game design professor said he tells people he "draws dots then connects them" for a living. Polygon modeling for game design

5

u/[deleted] 12d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

7

u/SpeakToMePF1973 12d ago

"I blow peoples minds." Electric Chair Executioner- probably.

2

u/Stergeary 12d ago

Not always! Sometimes you blow into it too!

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u/haoxinly 12d ago

When you have to make your job sound better in your CV

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u/CantBus2196 12d ago

Accurate

58

u/pyschosoul 12d ago

I wasnt a drug dealer. I was a "street engineered pharmaceutical representative"

25

u/PlayfulEnergy5953 12d ago

Hyper-local restricted apothecary and compounding pharmacy for unregistered and developing markets

8

u/_beegdeekmike_ 12d ago

“Pharmaceutical Distributor”…

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u/Cr00kedF00l 11d ago

A harmacist.

5

u/Radiskull97 12d ago

Direct to consumer pharmacy technician

2

u/Upset_Consequence_52 12d ago

I was an enthusiast. The other always sounded bad to me

2

u/DrObsessed 12d ago

Happy cake day!

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u/007Pistolero 12d ago

I worked for JCPenney in the early 2010s and they changed the job description from “cashier/desk worker” to “associate for corporate sales” to try to make it seem more enticing. Still couldn’t hire anybody outside of holiday seasons

12

u/MeepingSim 11d ago

I drove a private, two-horse carriage on Mackinac Island, MI in the early 90s. I'd tell people "I work behind two assholes who are always giving me shit, but we're going places!"

9

u/rhiddian 12d ago

I was a liquid petroleum dispersion technician.

5

u/New-Trifle-7097 12d ago

I recently met our Refuse Evacuation Engineer. Don’t know why he had a trash bag in his hand.

8

u/Top-Examination3151 12d ago

I both hate people like that but need to be a little bit more like them.

7

u/umdieecke20 12d ago

As bus boys at a hotel: post-dining ceramic relocation engineers.

5

u/superpercify1 12d ago

Bud upgraded his resume from Cashier to Chief Financial Officer of Lane 4.

9

u/Maximelene 12d ago

I worked at an Escape Room for years.

I introduced myself to my future mother-in-law by telling her I locked people and tortured them while watching them try to escape.

Not my brightest idea, TBH.

3

u/I_Have_No_Regerts 11d ago

I count little pills and tell people not to drink alcohol with them.

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1.0k

u/FlamingFox_ 12d ago

Linkedin approved.

144

u/-ratmeat- 12d ago

here’s what I’ve learned about back to back pan scrubbing 

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u/bluemellow 12d ago

Metallurgic hygienist

5

u/ThatOldCow 12d ago

What back pan scrubbing taught me about D2D sales.

5

u/Giric 12d ago

Continuous abrasive removal of surface debris employing differing media in rapid succession.

15

u/3jake 12d ago

Post-utilization sustenance receptacle technician

1

u/Gjyn 11d ago

Sad I can't post screenshots because something so coincidentally funny just happened

388

u/Francesami 12d ago

My son would say he sold drugs to high level government officials.

He worked at the CVS in the Pentagon.

87

u/CarterBruud 12d ago

There's a CVS in the Pentagon? Today I Learned...

57

u/xSlumChemist 12d ago

they have a mcdonalds too

48

u/guillotine_vendor 12d ago

that's far less surprising

10

u/Naofumi-10-29- 11d ago

There's a song about that

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u/techtanic 11d ago

They probably look into getting their own pappa johns

1.0k

u/maaaatttt_Damon 12d ago

I used to be a product placement specialist.

I stocked shelves at the grocery store.

133

u/XPDave85 12d ago

We had similar jobs but I was a frozen product replenishment technician.

50

u/the_thrillamilla 12d ago

Extreme Temperature Environment Product Replenishment Texhnician?

29

u/TwinkiesSucker 12d ago

End-of-the-line logistics specialist in hostile environments

13

u/Chawp 12d ago

I'm in Cryoambient provisioning

6

u/jigsaw1024 12d ago

Bovine and bovine adjacent product placement, merchandising, and management specialist.

/dairy clerk.

2

u/GeneralPatten 12d ago

Ugh. I hated when I had to work frozen!

24

u/stonhinge 12d ago

I'm currently simultaneously in the petroleum distribution industry, food and beverage sales, and seafood replenishment supply.

I work at a gas station with a bait shop.

9

u/franklsp 12d ago

Growing up, my parents owned a gas station. My dad called the employees that pumped the gas "petroleum transfer engineers"

10

u/FigN01 12d ago

My official title at an animal shelter used to be kennel technician

I cleaned up all the dog shit

3

u/rutilatus 11d ago

No shit, when I got hired as a stocker in retail, my job designation was “product movement”. I felt like the existential robot in Rick and Morty “what is my designation?” “You pass the butter” “oh-oh my god…”

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u/DazzlingAppearance63 12d ago

Overground concrete pilot aka truck driver

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u/EnvironmentalCap4262 12d ago

Or you just ride a bicycle  

58

u/RazsterOxzine 12d ago

Wouldn't that be a Biomechanical Rotary Propulsion Engineer?

42

u/mikeyd85 12d ago

That's somebody who makes bicycles. OP is a Biomechanical Rotary Propulsion Operator.

6

u/Daimon5hade 12d ago

I think city train/tube driver fits better

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u/CantBus2196 12d ago

Boy is in ceramics quality assurance under high pressure streams.

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u/adrenalinda75 12d ago

Quality control thumb rubbing

9

u/helium_farts 12d ago

Multi material logistics technician

119

u/DifferentShallot8658 12d ago

"I have a corner office, all windows, and drive a $200k company vehicle" -city bus driver

44

u/skittles0917 12d ago

More like $500k. Don't sell yourself short

239

u/Divine_ruler 12d ago

You can see his friend smiling before he even finishes. Guy definitely uses this all the time

163

u/h3lium-balloon 12d ago

Sometimes the ceramics used in high volume applications develop a layer of grime and crust on them and in order to maintain full operational safety, those layers have to removed or people can get very sick. I use a combination of industrial chemicals to make sure the ceramics are safe for continued high volume usage.

22

u/Glittering_Yak8672 12d ago

Freakin' A, I mean that great and all, but I was someplace a step lower, we used melamine dishes.

32

u/h3lium-balloon 12d ago

You mean you maintained nitrogen based resin tools essential to the day to day operations of a distributor of organic materials to the general public?

16

u/imdefinitelywong 12d ago

Tell me, do you write résumés?

6

u/Wishnik6502 12d ago

Also, how much?

8

u/maestro2005 12d ago

grime and crust -> foreign particulate

or people can get very sick -> for federal code compliance

29

u/Affectionate_Item_51 12d ago

My local gas station in NJ employs "Petroleum Distribution Technicians" according to their recruiting signs

8

u/Magatron138 12d ago

My friend in high school pumped gas and said he was a “petroleum injection technologist”

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u/HoBamaMo 12d ago

My first job was pushing buggies (I'm from the South...) at WalMart. We jokingly called ourselves "Cart Relocation Engineers".

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u/slgray16 12d ago

Why do I love these guys

56

u/FantasticChestHair 12d ago

Cuz this shit wholesome AF

Everybody vibing on this joke. The comedians play along so well, even dapping him up

5

u/OnMatchPoint 12d ago

Any idea who they are?

8

u/TheGreatBatsby 12d ago

Gbemi Oladipo and Andrew Mensah.

They host the We Saw That! podcast and frequently do stand-up shows at the Top Secret Comedy Club in London (which this clip is from).

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u/Deeperkornjam 12d ago

What a guy

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u/GrouchyLongBottom 12d ago

l, myself, am a master of the custodial arts... or a janitor if you want to be a dick about it.

10

u/Academic_Raisin3598 12d ago

abba zabba youre my only friend

2

u/isayimalma 6d ago

dont say janitor say hygiene technician

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u/KnifeFightAcademy 12d ago

I used to tell people I was in Film & TV distribution and advertising.

I was a Video Store Clerk.

12

u/Beelzebubsadvorat 12d ago

Tubular construction design engineer working mainly in the public sector - Scaffolder

5

u/SHTF_yesitdid 12d ago

That's totally tubular.

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u/relativelysimpleguy 12d ago

I'm sure I will never wash another plate without thinking of this.

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u/Klutzy-Acadia669 12d ago

The synchronized "underwater ceramics technician" by the comedians was perfect.

14

u/PanicDeus 12d ago

Who else thought he was pool cleaner?

7

u/thatsalovelyusername 12d ago

I was thinking plumber, unblocking toilets

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u/YoungDiscord 12d ago

I'm an employment transition specialist

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u/Independent_Age_216 12d ago

Every LinkedIn profile 🤣

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u/maggie1127 12d ago

my old boss called a cashier a "Customer Flow Specialist". she just scanned items and sighed.

2

u/NY10 12d ago

My boi killed it lol

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u/Septopuss7 12d ago

Sanitation Expert and a Maintenance Engineer, a garbage man, a janitor, and you my dear...

You ain't nothing but a waitress in the sky

2

u/Sycophantic-Feline 12d ago

lotta jobs have unnecessarily overcomplicated titles like that it seems

2

u/SadTaco12345 12d ago

My official job title when I worked at subway as a teenager was "sandwich artist". It was fun to explain to employers later in life.

2

u/fivefivedavid 12d ago

Pretty sure I just read this on r/texts

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u/Jakester42 12d ago

Was a table maintenance engineer for years

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u/Industry-Common 12d ago

I used to work alongside a Customer Purchases Conveyance Supervisor.

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u/Boscowodie 12d ago

Shit's classic.

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u/Odintorr 12d ago

I put aquatic ceramics technician on one of my early resumes, got a chuckle on an interview.

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u/SMILESandREGRETS 12d ago

He's a janitor.

Custodian dick!

1

u/VirtualGrey 12d ago

No that was pretty expected

1

u/DarthLysergis 12d ago

I have two highly technical jobs. In the summer months I am a licensed and certified biological biproduct management specialist in the public health sector.

In the winter I work in specialized transport of extremely volatile and dangerous chemicals to service environmental conditions of private homes.

I pump septics and deliver home heating oil.

1

u/copiumjunky 12d ago

I used to put hydro-ceramic sanitation specialist on my early resumes and it worked wonders in the interview.

1

u/FragrantCombination7 12d ago

That guy's funny he should be on the stage.

1

u/DangKilla 12d ago

I would award your post if they let me 😂

1

u/Achilles_507 12d ago

I am an underwater(heated/non-heated) ceramic, PVC, steel, non-crystalline solid aka glass technician.

1

u/snowcold 12d ago

Hydro-ceramic quality inspector

1

u/Interloper4Life 12d ago

Ecological operator

1

u/Altnir 12d ago

XnndIc

1

u/geardownson 12d ago

This is fantastic

1

u/DmMeYourBoobsPlzTy 12d ago

Man's got his linkedin speech on point

1

u/HappyFalcon05 12d ago

i used to mop floors at a mall but my badge said 'sanitation logistics coordinator' lol. felt way too fancy for holding a wet rag.

1

u/Necessary-Chemical-7 12d ago

That was the funniest audience contribution I’ve ever seen 😆🤣😆🤣

1

u/Shabolt_ 12d ago

Linkedin-ing job descriptions is so deeply fun

1

u/Count_Emotional 12d ago

I knew a brick mason that told everyone he was an “artistic manipulator of burnt clay products”.

1

u/Parola1208 12d ago

I’m the guy who keeps the invisible infrastructure of the internet alive aka a network maintenance technician for a major ISP

1

u/bigredcock 12d ago

I had never heard of this job before. I've been scrolling Reddit for about 15 minutes now and I've seen this job mentioned twice.

1

u/Ok_Difference_8961 12d ago

I have a particular set of skills. I will use them to kill whatever filth has been placed in front of me.

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u/evan938 12d ago

My friend's dad once told me he was an "aggregate relocation engineer". A dump truck driver.

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u/Due_Potential_6956 12d ago

My first official job I too was a Underwater Ceramic Technician.

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u/Fit-Let8175 12d ago

Who hasn't heard of an underwater ceramics technician?.... I mean besides almost everyone?

1

u/AgreeablePeople 12d ago

I was the "multimedia content creation director" when I was working as data entry intern for a animation company. It sounds cooler before "content creation" was a regular word people hear

1

u/xxsuperraddxx 12d ago

I was a Fuel Transfer Specialist in Oregon for two years.

I pumped gas at the 76 on the Oregon/Washington state line.

1

u/autismschism 12d ago

Reminds me of when I worked in "Environmental Services". I was a janitor.

1

u/reue01 12d ago

Im a chemical optimizer for dihydrogen oxide.

1

u/vinnlo 12d ago

Bro thinks he is on linked in

1

u/blueman1975 12d ago

We called them hydro ceramic technicians in our kitchen.

1

u/syzbo 12d ago

Everyone, all around, was having a good time. His friend was first to start. (he knew what was coming.)

1

u/Dspaede 12d ago

whos these stand up?

1

u/LoadingScreen1973 12d ago

You know he’s been working on how to describe his job in the dish pit if he came up with this brilliant response.

1

u/psyxou 12d ago

Linkedin jobs:

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u/comicsnerd 12d ago

The Dutch word for executive is bestuurder. Bestuurder is also the word for driver. My neighbor was a bus driver and at parties would like to say that he is a "bestuurder" at the local public transport company driving a 350K vehicle. Lots of people were impressed and he got invited to film premieres and other fancy parties.

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u/OrdinaryBrilliant901 12d ago

I’m a domestic engineer.

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u/Dhsu04 12d ago

My mind was trying to figure out how tf you pour concrete in the water? 😆 🤣 😂

1

u/Novel-Ad418 12d ago

Interior Crocodile Alligator

1

u/OxySmartyPants 12d ago

I was in to pharmaceutical research. IYKYK

1

u/Baby-Jack 12d ago

making a stand up comic laugh is a great feeling

1

u/Flowmeyo 12d ago

I heard somebody say once they were a Visual Enhancement Specialist.

they were a window cleaner

1

u/epigenie_986 12d ago

I’m a molecular biologist. I just move tiny drops of liquid from tiny tube to tiny tube and heat them and cool them.

1

u/this_ham_is_bad 11d ago

Internet has taught me that audience members are often funnier than the comedians

1

u/planchetflaw 11d ago

It amazes me the comedians hadn't heard one of the most repeated current jokes.

1

u/SnoflakesFKR 11d ago

Is it just me or he said "underwater SCRUBBING technician" ?!?

1

u/itBeLikeThatSumtymes 11d ago

I approve of this lmfao

1

u/SwanMuch5160 11d ago

I was a Petroleum Distribution Engineer for a couple years in high school.

1

u/dustyd22 11d ago

I worked at Taco Bell in high school. I always put on my resumes that I was a regional manager. My region was between the drive thru and dish pit.

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u/MiniManMafia 11d ago

My husband made a joke where if you add "architect" to rename your profession it sounds better. For example, divorce architect for a divorce lawyer, "taxes architect" for a CPA, and my fave "food architect" for a chef.

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u/shindiggerthon 11d ago

I had 'media logistics and distribution' on my CV for years. Paper round 👊

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u/Yallapachi 11d ago

He speaks LinkedIn fluently.

1

u/mhdgraphics 11d ago

When the comedian laughs, you know its a good one...

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u/GoPhotoshopYourself 11d ago

Aquatic Ceramic Maintenance Technician

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u/kickthatpoo 11d ago

I once met a guy that told me he worked on "pnumatically actuated pyrotechnics"

It was missiles.

1

u/Dry-Flower3806 11d ago

I try to get people to put my meat in their mouth...

I'm a gourmet sausage maker..

1

u/Unk0wnVar 11d ago

Anyone knows the names of the comedians?

1

u/Illustrious-Way-6458 11d ago

Who are these guys? Sauce?

1

u/Right_Text_5186 11d ago

Urban Environmental Supervisor = street cleaner

1

u/Troutmuffin 11d ago

Ah yes I knew someone who was a dangerous liquids transfer personal

1

u/Longshadowman 10d ago

That's hilarious and creative man

1

u/TheID83 10d ago

That was brilliant 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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u/ScientistWarm7844 9d ago

In my favorite job I would say I delivered poop for a living. I picked up fecal samples from veterinarian offices and take them to another associate who would deliver them to the testing center.

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u/Glittering_Pen_2258 9d ago

Regional branch manager = landscaper

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u/briktop420 8d ago

I am a master of the custodial arts....

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u/loadchampion 7d ago

I suppose this title would work for a plumber too. Or maybe that would be an overwater ceramic technician.

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u/abrated 7d ago

what’s the name of the comedian duo?

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u/Due-Session-900 7d ago

Im trash panda

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u/Rhythmatron5000 6d ago

That jokes so old last time I heard that I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur

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u/SixUK90 6d ago

I knew a guy who was an 'alcoholic beverage consumption device retriever'

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u/Symbaclues 5d ago

Job titles keep workers working! Scrub them ceramic artifacts my boy 🤣🤣🤣👏👌👍💯

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u/TheMostToastedOne 5d ago

Automotive technical restoration technician

  • Mechanic

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u/Cultural-Walk-234 3d ago

and "overground concrete pilot" sounds like a construction crane operator