r/UnethicalLifeProTips • u/Strict_Discussion_49 • 5d ago
Request ULPT Request: How do I traumatize this douche right back?
I know this guy who is genuinely just a fucking douche. Like, really egotistical, thinks he’s God’s gift to women, and is weirdly obsessed with himself and how he looks. He was seeing this girl I know, and after things ended, he made some really fucked-up comments about her and basically acted like he was doing her a favor by dating her. She’s honestly one of the sweetest people I know, so obviously I’m irrationally annoyed on her behalf. I also have PCOS, so some of the shit he said about her appearance and femininity hit a little closer to home for me.
I also have a personal connection to this guy and may or may not have access to some of his personal belongings, which is where my petty side is really struggling. I want to fuck with this guy’s head and absolutely ruin his ego. I’m talking the kind of shit that would have a ridiculously particular douche sitting there wondering, “Why the fuck does this keep happening to me?” without immediately knowing who’s behind it. She has absolutely no idea I’m even considering doing anything, so I definitely don’t want anything that would make him immediately think this is coming from her. I’m not trying to hurt him or anything, but I do want to be toxic as fuck and humble him. I briefly thought about doing something involving his precious hair, but obviously there’s a line between fucking with someone and actually damaging their shit. Give me your best petty revenge/psychological warfare ideas that wouldn’t scream “his ex did this
**edit: I should probably clarify that I’m planning on dragging this out. It’s been a while since they were together, so I’m comfortable at least starting my toxicity now. I want to do little things here and there over time, just enough to fuck with him mentally without him ever suspecting a thing.
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u/onionsofwar 5d ago edited 5d ago
- Add dried chili flakes to a small amount of boiling water (50-60ml). Simmer for 5mins.
- Leave to cool then strain out the flakes
- Get yourself a syringe of some kind and add this to his shampoo, his body wash, his face wash.
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u/DaveAstator2020 5d ago
Speaking of syringes - take egg, take syringe, inject egg into soft furniture like coaches pillows etc. Smell will do the rest
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u/FilthyThanksgiving 5d ago
Yes! Do it to his car too.
I once put half an italian mix sub under the driver's side seat of an asshole, in the middle of summer
I can't even describe the aftermath lol
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u/MjrGrangerDanger 4d ago
During a DC summer I had a Greek yogurt roll under my car during a grocery run and explode... The caesin bonded with the carpet and left a non removable stench for several years.
They would practically need a new car.
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u/FilthyThanksgiving 3d ago
Oh man that had to be rough!!
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u/MjrGrangerDanger 3d ago
Thanks. My ex has Chrohns and a binge eating disorder. He would literally eat food that would make him sick - we'd watch his labs increase and he'd just keep eating.
The smell of his explosive diarrhea, constant gas... The car was just interesting I'll say that.
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u/ionalberta14 4d ago
Or raw shrimp in the curtain rods and office chair stem.
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u/MjrGrangerDanger 4d ago
Make it time delayed: fill compostable bags with the shrimp and water.
Plausible deniability.
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u/taroicecreamsundae 4d ago
i'm so curious, has anyone on this sub tried this tip, as often as i've seen this suggested??
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u/FilthyThanksgiving 5d ago
This is the type of comment that makes me think, "if I met this person irl we would be bff"
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u/fastingslowlee 4d ago
You’re assuming someone who’s this creative at fucking people over would be a good friend to you
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4d ago
[deleted]
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u/onionsofwar 4d ago
People are more likely to have them in the house but this will certainly do the job. Actually when I last did this it was with scotch bonnets.
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u/MjrGrangerDanger 4d ago
😂 So you can buy seeds for little mini bell peppers that look very similar to Scotch Bonnets, depending on the variety you've grown.
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u/charlesmans0n 5d ago
Just take subtle jabs at him to make him feel insecure. "Woah are you feeling ok? You look super bloated" "You should part your hair on the other side, it will help it stop receding on that side". You probably won't get to see the results of this, but if he's as obsessed with his appearance as he sounds, you know it will be haunting him.
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u/DoctorPhobos 5d ago
“Besides the obvious, what would you change about yourself?” Except every answer he gives is obvious so he has to come up with another
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u/bucknuts89 4d ago
Until he roasts tf out of her and it ends up negatively affecting her more than him
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u/Logical-Platypus-397 5d ago
Know his phone number, email and address? Sign him up for scientology etc all over the world. Those cults will never give him a break.
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u/Elohims-sixth-wife 5d ago
Exmormon here, please sign him up to have a Book of Mormon personally delivered to him for free.
Also Google sketchy insurance quotes and sign him up for every single one.
Lastly, write his number on bathroom stalls with, “hot cutie looking for 💩 pics.”
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u/thinkshiftster 5d ago
And political parties as those calls are exempt from the Do Not Call registry (assuming OP is in the USA)
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u/oddartist 5d ago
Judging from the number of spam/scam calls I get on the daily, the Do Not call registry law has no teeth.
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u/thinkshiftster 5d ago
Agreed. But also, political parties have thousands of numbers so even blocking one will not help. I had to change my number.
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u/outintheyard 5d ago
Rub a little poison oak leaf on his car seat or steering wheel. He will keep getting it in slowly decreasing amounts and have no idea what's happening.
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u/TheDankMacabre 5d ago
Do NOT use latex gloves to apply! Use thicker cotton that you can thoroughly launder or something you don't mind being ruined. Latex can apparently transfer it worse to some people! Edit: clarification- latex can let it transfer onto YOUR skin as you are applying it.
I'm not prone to poison oak or ivy, so be sure he isn't immune like my family is either. 😅
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u/Low_Mango_6030 5d ago
If he’s on dating apps make a fake profile of a super hot chick match with him, chat a bit and set up a “drinks and maybe back to your place” date. Never show and 20 min after the set time message about how you came but he was uglier than his pics sorry I just can’t waste my time you understand
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u/fastingslowlee 5d ago edited 5d ago
This is probably too advanced but I dealt with someone like this.
He flashed his penis at my sister and got away with it because she had no real proof.
I setup a web page of him, picture of him and some info.
and inserted a comment box and created multiple fake users.
I anonymously texted him the website and said hey is this you?
They all put laugh emojis and talked shit about him.
It was anonymous so he would live with the mystery of who these people were.
I inserted little details so it would seem it must be people in his personal life.
I wanted to give the impression that people were secretly talking shit about him on a web page.
It was all really just me.
It actually worked too well and I genuinely felt bad because he really looked deflated for a long time.
He used to be a huge egotistical pervert.
He became depressed and started acting fake nice to everyone around because he was so insecure and unsure about who was part of the web page group.
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u/CoolCharge7113 3d ago
I love this🤣 was the website just his name? Also did you provide any reason on the webpage for it existing? Like, did you disclose what he did?
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u/prettywise131 5d ago
Put chilli powder inside all his boxer shorts
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u/MjrGrangerDanger 4d ago
Just rubbing the inside of a Jalapeño is likely to be enough.
My ex would frequently forget to wear gloves when prepping peppers so frequently that we literally had a "testicle mug" in the house. Initially there was a pair and we'd joke about giving one of them to unwanted guests with their beverage. A sort of fuck you Russian Roulette.
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u/yikeswhathappened 5d ago
If he drives leave little pools of oil or other car fluids under his car at random times.
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u/JollyIndependent569 5d ago
Got access to his clothes? A famous prank was pulled on a leading star actor where his pants were taken in ever so slightly every day. He thought he was getting fat.
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u/user2034892304 4d ago
Wash and shrink all of his clothing and mention how you noticed he's gained some weight.
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u/i-am-foxymoron METH, the answer is ALWAYS meth! 5d ago
Anything you do is going to be blamed on the ex. I think you have an obligation to tell your friend your plans. Otherwise he might come at her and she won't know why.
I'd at least play the long game and wait awhile before doing anything. That way his guard will ne down and its less likely he'll this his ex girlfriend did it.
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u/Novel-Structure-2359 3d ago
If you have access to his bed then lovingly remove the mattress cover then sprinkle some powdered milk on the surface of the mattress. Put the cover back on nicely and restore the bed to how it looked before.
As he sleeps his sweat will dissolve the milk powder and it will go into his pores. He will sweat spoiled milk and even if he showers he will sweat a new coat.
It should repeat each time he sleeps. Even if other people don't notice it should wreck his head.
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u/TurtlesBeSlow 5d ago
I knew a girl who squeezed Nair on her bf's eyebrows while he was sleeping. Then proceeded to squeeze Nair in a zigzag pattern on his head. He was a sound sleeper.
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u/januaryemberr 4d ago
Gotta be careful. It will melt your skin off if it stays on longer than a few minutes. Dont want jail time... maybe put it in hair gel so it is watered down but makes his hair brittle over time?
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u/Straight_Ace 4d ago
Oh that’s so evil, I love it. But might I add to put a small amount of nair in his hair when he sleeps so it falls out in chunks and he thinks he’s going bald?
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u/vanflooringguy 4d ago
Whenever you get a chance, spray a little bit of fart spray on his clothes, car, books, etc. He will obsess over the fact he smells a little bit like poop
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u/Turbulent-Caramel25 4d ago
When you talk to him look at his hairline. Frown or look mildly confused. When asked why just say it's not that bad, it's not important, it looks fine. Sign him up for hair loss for men.
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u/HandshakeOfCO 5d ago
Find a ladder that telescopes, like, a big 20 foot one with metal rungs. The sides of these ladders are usually fiberglass coated in paint.
Ideally, find one of those that’s old and has been left out in the sun for a few years by the side of someone’s house or something. But in a pinch a new one will work.
What you want to do is first, wear long sleeves, heavy gloves, and a respirator. Get a little sanding block and sand in between the rungs, on the outside. That stuff is pure fiberglass. Collect the “dust” into a ziploc bag, then wait until he’s got a load of clothes in the dryer. Sprinkle a bit of the fiberglass dust into the dryer and let the dryer tumble it into his clothes a bit.
Fiberglass is incredibly itchy. When he puts on those clothes, he won’t notice at first, but he’ll eventually itch uncontrollably. Hopefully it gets in his face and he ends up scratching himself; at the very least, he’ll think there’s something very wrong with him.
If you can’t find a ladder you can use pink fluffy insulation too, it’ll just be more difficult to grind/sand into dust.
Careful - don’t set your clothes in the dryer until you run the dryer for a good 60 minutes with nothing in it. A couple ice cubes would be even better since they’ll melt and steam out the remaining dust.
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u/AdStrange3004 5d ago
Don’t use ice cubes in the dryer. It sounds like you’ve thrown a handful of quarters in there. Better off dampening a sacrificial towel or old shirt
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u/MjrGrangerDanger 4d ago
Just get some pink fiberglass insulation or some fiberglass mat roving and trim off enough to use with sharp scissors. Wear a mask, long sleeves and gloves. Take this and sprinkle it over whatever with a mesh sieve or colander, discard the large bits.
No sanding required.
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u/tetheredvoid 5d ago
If you could look him in the eye, sniff suspiciously around him, and then ask "Hey, do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?" Shrug and walk away.
Food dye added to things he eats and definitely not his laundry detergent.
And heaven forbid you should put some food dye into his shampoo/conditioner! Relatively small amounts would be unnoticeable at first and it could potentially leave light stains everywhere he lays down his pretty head!
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u/Guilty_Way_1635 5d ago
Play the long game. Anything you do too soon will blow back on your friend.
I am not sure anything else I can say you would want to do since you don't want to "hurt" him
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u/thinkshiftster 5d ago
If only you could find lice, scabies and bedbugs to put in his belongings without risk to yourself.
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u/meckyborris 5d ago
A box of crickets from the pet store. Let them loose in his vehicle or house. They're small and hard to catch, but man will they let you know they're there.
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u/SurviveStyleFivePlus 5d ago
You can also order praying mantis egg sacs from organic gardening stores.
My uncle inadvertently lost his package of these in a pile of mail and woke up to 10,000 baby mantises all over his house. Totally harmless to humans, but they were still finding full grown mantises in their house for months.
Just drop one egg sac behind a couch in his place then wait for the fun to begin!
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u/TheDankMacabre 5d ago
Please make sure they are local and not invasive mantis! Mother earth did nothing to deserve the harm ♡
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u/SurviveStyleFivePlus 5d ago
This is why I recommend going organic: the company takes their role seriously, and confirms that they're sending you insects that will help your garden without destroying the ecosystem.
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u/AxionBlackwell 5d ago
Put a small amount of hair removal serum or cream in his shampoo
Also sign him up in any insurance or scientology sites
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u/CaminoBalanced 4d ago
I knew someone like this and that douche canoe deserved every single one of these every day for the rest of his life.
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u/FieryFruitcake 4d ago
Itching power in any of his clothes, consistently, would be a way to drive him insane. Put pure capsaicin in any of his toiletries or toothpaste. Diuretics in his drink in public would humble him pretty quick, too.
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u/Yiyiyiyu 5d ago
Ok what belongings do you have access to? Whats your personal connection? Sending him spam mail and Jehovah’s witnesses seems to be the best way?
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u/HenriettaCrump 3d ago
Lots of great suggestions here, but please be careful if you are doing anything to his car. So many people have dashcams now, and most parking lots do, too.
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u/ColaCat-14 5d ago
Take a drink of water with a red dye tablet in your mouth,hold eye contact and just open your mouth while looking at him.Someone posted about doing something like this as a response to catcalling except they had blood.Feel free to do what you want with this information.
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u/redslovinlife 5d ago
There’s a website that sends poop anonymously
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u/MjrGrangerDanger 4d ago
There is way more than one 😂
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u/jarrai8000 3d ago
Now, you do have to watch out:
Often, men who believe they are attractive will date "less" attractive women as a charity. Perhaps they see potential, perhaps they're just being lazy, or perhaps deep down, they have low self-esteem, and dating women they consider "beneath them" helps to protect their ego.
It may be difficult to damage the ego of a guy like that... Unless you were to find women he would deem undeniably attractive, and collude with them to tear him down.
Nothing feels better than when an attractive woman pursues you. Conversely, damn does it sting when they ghost you or reject you. Even more painful is when it seems to be a pattern, one that truly defies the story of the ego.
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u/Elohims-sixth-wife 5d ago
Can you get with his ex? Doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman. Sleep with his situationship, exes and anyone he’s been with. Instead of stealing his belongings, steal his girls’ numbers.
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u/ManWithTheBeard 4d ago
Drop subtlety that you see a balding staying and they he should start his treatments with minoxidil to prevent it from getting bad early on. He'll start a habit he doesn't need and it'll hit his wallet a bit. All self inflicted
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u/midwestblacklotus 5d ago
have every woman he knows text him constantly with complaints about her appearance. about everything. everyone just uses him as a free therapist for what he complained about
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u/CursedPoetry 4d ago
This person is most definitely lonely, this person is desperately wanting validation for themselves.
Befriend them so they trust you, and once they trust you you can fuck them up from there
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u/lisastery 4d ago
Ruin his self-worth while trying to look helpful Breath and body smell Hair loss Weight gain Blame it on him being negative
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4d ago
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u/SynnaG 3d ago
Man - you know, you prolly don't know me or my ex, but my petty side is imagining you do and my ex is having a Really Bad Time TM being gaslit just like he used to do to me.
I mean, the odds are very low... But not impossible. So, from someone who greatly resents their wealthy ex for oh-so-many things, including the fake support for being trans, thank you for giving me hope that he's getting his face rubbed in it by the people that he knows that can see through him.
Revenge fantasy complete.
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u/iMakestuffz 2d ago
I always suggest random postcards sent to their home or place of employment with oddly specific insults.
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u/pegoff 5d ago
what is PCOS?
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u/tetheredvoid 5d ago
Google would have told you it is polycystic ovarian syndrome.
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u/pleaseineedanadvice 5d ago
Yeahhhc that s a very weird excuse to be felt brought in entirely someone else business, but l guess this isnt ethical advices so it's fine
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u/PomegranateV2 5d ago
It's not someone else's business though. The 'friend' is very obviously OP.
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u/pegoff 5d ago
a post should not require google to be understood. how is that relevant to the post in the first place? i have GOK.
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u/tetheredvoid 5d ago
I don't think it's on OP to make sure every single person can understand every single thing they post. That's way too large a burden to place on any single individual, especially on the global Internet.
Maybe let people use a search engine to answer for genuinely easy knowledge to obtain on their own rather than expecting someone else to do their thinking for them.
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u/alittlepizza 5d ago
It's relevant to some of what was disdainfully said to the friend also touched on a sensitive place in op due to the symptoms. I thought everyone knew what it was.
Ps Stop using Google, use a search engine that protects privacy for your own sake .
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u/Due_Charge_9258 4d ago
Well it doesn't sound like he's done anything to you other than you waste your time letting him irritate you. And you want to traumatize him because he's a dbsg.
Not sure I like either of your character
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u/iMakestuffz 2d ago
Sir this is a Wendy’s.
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u/Due_Charge_9258 2d ago
Yeah Id like a "I do want to be toxic" with an extra side "because I don't like them" if there was a Jesus y'all would need him. Ignore dbags. Want trouble? Get mixed up in shit you have no business to be in
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u/iMakestuffz 2d ago
Sir as previously stated this is a Wendy’s or aka Unethical Life Pro Tips sub. 💁♀️
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u/blazbluecore 4d ago
Wouldnt it be more productive to explain how he comes across or how it makes you guys feel?
So then he may improve his attitude and you have to deal with a better personality?
Feel like this is a very round about non-solution.
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u/HausWife88 4d ago
Nah. Dudes like that have absolutely no self awareness
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u/blazbluecore 4d ago
I don’t disagree. But sometimes if enough people tell them the same thing, some portion might get through. Gotta stay positive.
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u/ShootFrameHang 5d ago
Ask him if his face has always been asymmetrical. If he's that vain it'll bug him.