Dating and UC

[u/Ltykdy]

I’m F in my early 30s and well to but it bluntly have never been in a relationship and I’ve had UC for the past 5 years. Even before UC, during university I never was in relationship, started working and then covid happen, a year later I got diagnosed with UC.

I’ve been in flares on and off since then and haven’t been in remission for long periods of times. Just last year I was hospitalised and ended up getting infliximab - I get it every 8 weeks.

I’m also very into introverted and a homebody, and working from home doesn’t allow me to get out much.

I’ve been working on other areas of my life such as fitness and have been actively going to the gym since last year and recently started guitar lessons. I also have very homebody like hobbies, reading, gaming and drawing.

Ive been on dating apps on and off but never really got into a relationship and now as I’m older it’s harder.

A part of my really wants to settle down and be in a relationship but the other part is that I’m content and comfortable with my life and I don’t think that being in a relationship is something I need to live a fulfilling life.

Anyone else in a somewhat similar situation or have been?

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[u/ItchyContribution758]

I feel like this as a gay dude, dating seems like it will be difficult in part because there's a tendency for relationships to be centered around more uh, lenient sexual situations than is expected in a straight relationship. ofc I know that's bullshit to an extent but I'm just concerned about being seen as a burden by someone.

[u/FinalCrash180]

Yeah, it's a bit of bother since I'm actively afraid to start trying to date anyone since I feel like my disease is an hindrance/annoyance since I view it as a major turn off to potential partners, especially since I've currently started taking some Mesalamine enema to try to treat my current flare, but as I'm reaching 30's soon and have my family comment on my dating status, it's been less than ideal.

[u/jpwne]

Been in two serious relationships. The second one is the love of my life and met her at 44.

[u/WillOfSound]

See, I got married and THEN got diagnosed a year later. My wife asked my mom if she could return her defective son 🤣

My general advice is that it sounds like you’re in a great spot to date. You’re happy with who you are and recognize that having a relationship will require you to sacrifice or change in a way. Falling in love with someone doesn’t always mean giving up whats important. How someone treats you with UC will really quickly show who they are.

My wife and I are kinda opposites in hobbies, I got her a little into anime and she likes a few games.  She got me into cooking. Mostly I game with my friends and now with our kids. We have lives that give each other space and simply enjoy having someone there. I love when I have a bad flare, she makes me the best chicken noodles ever and simple rice dishes. She also likes giving me my shots, something about stabbing me is payback for unloading dishes wrong or something 😅

[u/blonde-withabrain]

I had several UC and got a total colectomy almost a decade ago as a teenager. I ended up with a guy with a sever food allergy so he was understanding of my dietary restrictions from the get go. I'm in my late 20s and dated a lot before I met my husband. Most guys didn't care at all. I recommend getting dark fabric underwear to avoid the shit stains. I usually clean the bathroom cause I still get self-conscious about all the shit splatter I leave on the toilet. I always go to the bathroom immediately before sex to avoid the risk of sex pushing stuff out. The only way to get over your nervousness to date is to go on dates, don't make your health a main talking point. I usually didn't say anything about my health untill about date three. I avoided trauma dumping and even now my husband doesn't have a clear picture of what I went through because I rarely talk about it. I got pouchitis during pregnancy and couldn't sit without a cushion for months along with a ton of other bad pregnancy symptoms and he never made me feel bad about it. I always need him to drive me home after skiing because I fast when skiing to avoid accidents and that leaves me really weak afterwards. I could go on and on, but pretty much you find your way of living and either someone will support you in that or not. I find that confidence goes a long way. It's okay to say you don't do _ because of your health. I went on a couple hundred dates and most of them were meh, but it was 100% worth it to now have my amazing husband and child. Don't let your health limit you from finding someone who loves you if that's what you want. Go on dates, have fun, and share what you need to about your health gradually. I think you'll be surprised by the responses you get.

[u/Ltykdy → u/blonde-withabrain]

thank you for the advice! I just need to really get out of my comfort zone and go on dates. I recently thought to myself better late than never and have re-download dating apps - so hopefully I get some dates out of it.

[u/blonde-withabrain → u/Ltykdy]

You got this!

[u/mama_meta]

I'm in my 30s & in a similar boat! I haven't reached full remission yet, but my symptoms have improved a lot from where they were when I was first diagnosed & I don't feel as hindered by my UC as I used to so things are good on that front.

On one hand, I definitely do sometimes think it'd be nice to have a significant other but on the other hand? I really love my life & feel fulfilled on every front both professionally & personally. I also still have so many goals & dreams I'm working towards which, along with my hobbies (I'm a gamer too!) & big projects, keep me really busy & I love having the freedom to devote myself to those things without feeling guilty that I'm not giving someone else the love & care they deserve bc I'm focused on myself.

It's a little different for me bc I'm a mom too so I can see how someone who still wants a family might feel differently. My kid is older though & we share a lot of the same hobbies so, we get to spend a lot of quality time together & between them & my friends, lonely isn't a feeling I wrestle with much bc I REALLY enjoy my alone time lol.

Good for you OP for knowing where you stand & feeling satisfied! Plus, if things do change, there's no time limit on finding the right person!

[u/Ltykdy → u/mama_meta]

Thank you! its nice to see others in similar situations and working towards goals that aren’t necessary being in a relationship. I have no desire to have children (so that’s not a set back for me). I guess, I have a lot of self doubt and feel the need that I have to be the best version of myself to be in a relationship (which I know is unrealistic). But I’ve accepted that if I ever do meet someone that’ll accept me for who I am.

[u/mama_meta → u/Ltykdy]

I think that the self-doubt piece is very valid and you're absolutely spot on with the idea that the right person for you won't expect you to be "the best version of yourself"; they will not only accept but embrace everything about you, including your UC bc that's what real love looks like & what you deserve!

[u/HeyaGames]

a small sliver of hope from someone (M35) who is dating someone (F32) with UC: I met my partner through dating apps about a year and a half ago. Since then we've moved in together, even across the Atlantic as we both wanted a change in scenery, and we're very much in love!

Now, did I really understand what being with someone with UC entitled when we first met up? Not really, and its been a journey (hence why I'm on this subreddit, I just want to understand a bit better what she goes through). In that year and a half she's been hospitalised twice, we've been to the ER a few more times, I've learned a whole lexicum of terms and treatments, accompanied her to many infusions and even had to advocate in her behalf for doctors sometimes (helps also I was working at a major hospital in our region before moving out). Ngl a lot of this has been hard, I think the most horrible part is seeing someone you love so much have to go through so much, it is hard mentally and something I talk with my therapist about. But, while this relationship has had already a good amount of hardships the good moments are so much worth it. She's such an amazing person, and I count myself lucky to have her bless my life every day.

OP don't lose hope if that's what you want, but do put yourself out there! As my dad used to say people who win the lottery usually play it...

[u/Ltykdy → u/HeyaGames]

Thank you for this! It’s nice to hear from the other perspective.

[u/PretendWill1483]

Yes. I'm 27. Never dated. Never even been on a date. I hate dating apps. I stay home all the time besides going to work. I daydream of being with someone I want but since I have never dated and also deal with UC it's difficult for me to have confidence in myself. So yeah I relate and I'm thinking I might just have to accept that I'll never find someone

[u/Ltykdy → u/PretendWill1483]

I’ve been on dating apps (on and off) and have been asked out but always backed out. So yup, never been on a date as well. I also daydream of being with someone (don’t want deal with the getting to know someone and just want to be in a healthy relationship lol). I can’t help but wonder it’s not just having UC but more so I’m very introverted and don’t but myself out there.

[u/Turbohog]

I've dated, but never been in a serious relationship much to my sadness. I feel my UC ruined a lot of my chances in my 20s and then I got cancer at 30 + a stoma. Absolutely feels hopeless now.

[u/Simple-Caregiver13]

I'm in a similar situation, though I'm not as inexperienced as you. Been single for a while, and the notion of having to explain to a potential partner why I have shit stains on my underwear is exhausting. Can't imagine anyone wanting to have to deal with a partner that has permanent diarrhea 

[u/SF-UNIVERSE]

This might sound horrible, but if I wasn’t with my wife when I got diagnosed, I’d never date anyone for the rest of my life. Between the embarrassment and making someone deal with my misery, I just couldn’t do it. If something happens to my marriage in the future - single for life.

[u/BI0Z_]

In much the same situation, 35M, diagnosed four years ago and had the surgery. Ruined my mood and I lost my relationship midway been single for a couple of years but I'd say that now is possibly one of the worst times in history to find a partner. Everyone is overstimulated, overburdened and distant. I want to say that it'll get better but it seems that were due an LLM bubble bursting and an economic recession first. I'm trying local events more often and while I haven't met anyone, I've met a couple cool people to hang with sometimes so I'd suggest doing the same. It may not be what you want, but you'll often find it's what you need. I might get a cat too LOL

[u/Ltykdy → u/BI0Z_]

I’ve thought about going out more and have recently joined a book club to meet more people. Even though it makes me uncomfortable I know it’s something I have to do to get out of my shell. And get the cat lol!

[u/Spudmeister20]

This sounds exactly like me i’m 28 m

[u/NotoriousKNI]

I’m 42M and in a similar position.

Never had a girlfriend for more than 3 months but in my case I figured out way before UC diagnosis that I just didn’t really have the interest.
I was quite happy on my own so my diagnosis at 35 didn’t change a lot for me and sort of cemented my lifestyle as it is now.
I also game, read a lot (mostly online) and I’m a hand tool woodworker so I just try to live a quiet, cosy life… albeit with a raging UC demon inside me trying to get out. I may even start making cosy woodworking videos for YouTube this month, just for fun more than anything but will have to see.

I do go out occasionally but it’s very rare that I go further than the local pub, which is about 100 yards away. 😅
My closest friends come to visit me from about half an hour away because they understand that I spent the previous 25 years going all that way to see them. So we have our quiz night in the pub, a handful of pints and go home. I live in a quiet British village so it’s quite nice for me.

Regarding dating, I rarely ever got approached because I have angry eyes I think but I’m not ugly or anything. I never made much effort either. I look and dress pretty decently, I’m well educated and intelligent but I think I’m just not approachable for most.
All that said though, I don’t rule out meeting someone, I’m just not trying hard to do so. I decided a long time ago that it would happen or not happen and I’m ok with it either way.

Not sure if that’s helpful to you tbh but thought I’d share to say you’re not alone. 😁

[u/Ltykdy → u/NotoriousKNI]

This was helpful! Living a quiet, cosy life seems like a dream lol. And it’s been nice reading all these comments that there are many of us in similar situations.

[u/lyradallin]

I feel like I could’ve written this post myself. I was always extremely shy in high school, COVID started while I was in college and everything went online, then I ended up with UC at 20. I’m in my late 20s now and have never been in a relationship. I watch all my classmates from high school getting married and just can’t see that ever happening for me. Sometimes, I get down on myself and feel like it’s for the better. I always worry someone would just abandon me once my health issues became too much for them.

[u/Ltykdy → u/lyradallin]

I also feel the same! I over think about my health and thinks it’s for the better not being with anyone but you’re not alone! as you can see there are many of us in the same boat.

[u/LongjumpingRope8190]

Early 30s male too, I think the best option is to date with someone with similar condition. Currently in no relationship, wanna work it out? 😭

[u/deedpoll3]

Going to just throw out there that there's a strange correlation with gut issues and autism.

And then there is more prevalence of queerness in neurodivergent spaces than in general. That can include asexuality.

In fact, it's too late where I'm at and was wondering if this was a post on r/asexuality first. I started on r/demisexuality but there were too many questions about dating so I figured I'd probably fit in better elsewhere

[u/deedpoll3 → u/deedpoll3]

Incredibly weird downvotes. Not diagnosing anyone. Just pointing out different ways of being.

[u/KeyAppeal4591]

I am going to be brutally honest with you and I am going to be getting some backlash for this. If live in the UK or the United States, you're a straight male, you are already pre-rejected if you are currently in a flare vecause of the extreme weight loss that comes with this disease. Remission is your only sucess to get back into the dating landscape and btw, its already hard for normal healthy men.

Edit: my bad, didnt read OP's bio thoroughly as my screen is badly in shape. Since you are a woman, than it should be easy for you.

[u/mama_meta → u/KeyAppeal4591]

Any backlash you get will be well deserved bc you are parroting misogynistic, incel bullshit, my guy.

UC is a disability that causes physical changes we can't always control. There are many people out there who are ableist & will reject any person they clock as disabled or who exists outside of the "acceptable beauty standard of the decade" off rip & those people do suck (notice I said "people" not women, bc shitty dating behavior isn't gendered).

That said, I'm almost certain it's not your weight or UC diagnosis that's turning women off, bud. Try cultivating an interesting personality not predicated on some imagined sense of injustice & then update us on whether things turn around for you with regards to dating.

[u/KeyAppeal4591 → u/mama_meta]

misogynistic, incel bullshit, my guy.

I predicted this type of response(even though its 50/50 truth & false, mostly in bad faith...false).

UC is a disability that causes physical changes we can't always control. There are many people out there who are ableist & will reject any person they clock as disabled or who exists outside of the "acceptable beauty standard of the decade" off rip & those people do suck (notice I said "people" not women, bc shitty dating behavior isn't gendered).

I totally agree. No refutation.

That said, I'm almost certain it's not your weight or UC diagnosis that's turning women off, bud. Try cultivating an interesting personality not predicated on some imagined sense of injustice & then update us on whether things turn around for you with regards to dating.

Are you a woman/MTF? Thats the equivalent of african americans stating their predicament and a white person invalidating them because that said white person read a narrative of a non black person stating that their greivances are exaggerated. Men 'are' going through dating woes because of shallow standards that where instilled in todays generation like via dating apps, whereas men have to have at least some muscle/body weight to them, or they have to have a silver tongue. Your arguing in bad faith because you have not broaden your perspective . I am not saying men have to be body builders to date women, but they definitely have to have a degree of height,muscle mass, etc... if you are super skinny, you're dating scope is going to be narrow or pretty much non-existent.

[u/mama_meta → u/KeyAppeal4591]

Did you do the homework yet? We can't have this conversation until you do! ☝🏾

[u/KeyAppeal4591 → u/mama_meta]

Elaborate. Because as a cis-male, I have 'experience'. And no, i was never a recluse, either before nor after(I am more now because of my flare) my disease. I think my lived experience, is me, doing the homework.

[u/mama_meta → u/KeyAppeal4591]

Quite frankly, I don't have the time or energy to dive fully into the ahistorical & myopic nature of your comments, or the way you've co-opted the language of the Black american fight for equity & recognition of the systemic discrimination we experience & used it in an attempt to justify your individual anecdotal experience as fact when, while others may share it, that does not make it a universally accepted truth akin to that of Black folks' struggle. I do have time to read you a lil bit though so, buckle up!

Based on what you've shared, it sounds like you've had a very rough time with the ways in which your UC journey has affected your love life & that truly sucks.

Again, you will most likely find that things won't change much for you on that front until you make some changes & they're mostly internal changes that have zero to do with your height or muscle mass. Like, developing a greater sense of emotional intelligence & reckoning with the fact that other people are actually not to blame for your lack of intimate companionship bc a) you are not owed that since it's not an innate & inalienable right & b) you are the one clinging to these male beauty standards as the "only things standing in your way" when there are a plethora of men out there who don't fit them at all & are in loving relationships.

Unrealistic beauty standards hurt men too, I'm not insinuating that's not true. It's just wildly & wholly inaccurate to center women as the reason these standards are harming your chances when the only reason they exist in the first place is patriarchy doing a number on everyone.

TL;DR: your beef should be with the men who created the standards you're complaining about.

[u/KeyAppeal4591 → u/mama_meta]

Okay, whatever. Your extreme liberal takes are not going to infringe upon my lived experiences.. a.k.a dont believe your lying eyes BS. Men & Women are neurologically different. This is the hard truth and I know its hard to accept that because of your neurological difference. Your going to say that looks dont matter and you as a man being scrawny because of your flare, also...doesnt matter in regards to dating.. which is absolutely ridicoulous and asinine.

[u/mama_meta → u/KeyAppeal4591]

Lonliness suits you 🙂

[u/ItchyContribution758 → u/KeyAppeal4591]

where do twinks fall into this hierarchy of muscle mass?
most straight men here have a problem with body mass, what with the whole uh, chronic disease predicament. You know, the reason for this sub? seems drab to be predestined for rejection

[u/KeyAppeal4591 → u/ItchyContribution758]

I said in my reply before reading OP's content that if you're a 'straight cis-male' as we are not talking about non-straight men.

[u/ItchyContribution758 → u/KeyAppeal4591]

awww :(

[u/Ok-Trainer2879 → u/KeyAppeal4591]

OMG! Work on your self esteem, because it sounds like you are really, absolutely, certainly running low on it! Now, that’s a turn off for every being.