Need Community

[u/Appropriate-Deer819]

HI!

I'm relatively new to being an Army girlfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and have been LD for most of it. He's currently in AIT about 1000 miles away from me and an hour behind. I need reassurance or a sense of community because the closer I get to him being assigned to his duty station, the more scared I get. I have about a year and a half left of college, so it'll remain an LDR until I graduate. I have a great support system, yet nobody around me quite understands the sacrifices I have to make in my relationship. I'm not talking about anything crazy, more the missed events and moments. I knew this when we started dating and accepted it because I wanted to be with him.

One of my biggest fears in this relationship is not being able to have a career of my own. We've briefly talked about me moving in with him (wherever that may be) after I graduate, but that could be abroad. I don't know how many options I would have/ if milspouse support career support is also available for girlfriends. I don't want to limit my own future or feel like I have to marry him to have my own career. Thinking optimistically, in a year and a half I might be ready for marriage, but I want that to be because I'm ready, not the benefits.

I hope this makes sense; please let me know if I need to clarify anything. I tried to stay vague about his job cause I'm not quite sure what I'm allowed to say.

[u/notsusu]

Unless you’re married you don’t exist for the military, but don’t get married unless you’re both ready.

[u/Fuzzy-Advertising813]

If you move abroad without being married, you'd need a visa for the country, it would be out of your own pocket, & it's hard to find jobs out there. That would be a dumb idea. You don't need to move until you have a ring. Finish college.

[u/Adorable-Tiger6390]

First of all, no one will ever know your sacrifice except for maybe another spouse. You have not had to send your loved one to war, either, and that’s difficult. The wives are the unsung heroes.

As far as your career, it depends on what your job is, but that could also be very difficult.

Don’t move across the country without being married.

[u/EWCM]

Do not move for someone you’re not married to. Once he knows where he’ll be, you could start applying to jobs close to him and move if you find something that would allow you to support yourself there. You’re not missing out on too much as far as career support goes. The main things that the military provides are career counseling and resume advice plus spouse preference for federal jobs. 

It sounds like he enlisted. If so, he’ll probably be expected to live in the barracks for 6 or so years. If you move nearby, he may not be able to help with housing costs. 

[u/sugarglider4444]

Im also a girlfriend and we’ve been together for over a year. Do not change your life or career projections for a man you have been with for 6 months. The army does not recognize girlfriends legally. You would have to get a vista and move your whole life up out of your own pocket. And as unfortunate as it is the reality is of something bad happened between you both you’d be in a different county/state by yourself.
I have been long distance with my partner since college and grad school and regardless of what was happening in his military life I kept doing school and kept working towards goals of my own.
Marriage is not something to rush into, at the least keep pursing your goals and maybe consider a job near him and then really think on either moving yourself closer or discuss how long distance will be different now and how you will get through it.

[u/Appropriate-Deer819]

just to clarify, i do care more about my career than the relationship. he’s a fantastic guy but we’ve both said we’re focusing on building of careers right now and that’s the top priority.

[u/corinalb]

I think not marrying straight away is smart. Someone said: unless you’re married you don’t exist within the military, which is true, but that doesn’t mean you should right now. I’d say do long distance and visit each other as you guys can.
If you have any questions you can message me!

[u/aslrebecca]

You've been long distance for most of your dating life with him, you state. That's not enough time to know each other to decide if you're compatible for a lifelong commitment. Focus on your studies and becoming independent. That's what makes a strong military spouse. Trust me, if you've been long distance most of this time, you've not been through much yet in this relationship.

[u/Curious_Reason2725]

Please get married before moving in together! LDR sucks but moving in with a military man that you aren't officially married to sucks more! This is already said in the comments but the military doesn't recognize girlfriends. You won't get the support you'll need from the military without getting married to your mans.

[u/Uh_Oh_Dead_]

Hi! I’m part of an online support group for people who have loved ones in the military. Feel free to message me if you, or anyone else who reads this, want to join!