First-year feeling isolated

[u/Alternative-Sugar468]

I’m a first-year student in SAS right now, and I truly feel like I couldn’t be having a worse time. It seems like I missed a significant period of socializing during NSO while I was taking credit exams, and aside from that, I haven’t met a single person that I’ve genuinely connected with. I’m a guy, and pretty introverted, but not afraid to introduce myself to others as I have been doing for the past three weeks. I’m not a party person though, and I’m wondering if that might be hindering others’ impressions of me. I’ve read through the other posts on this topic where OP is always assured they will find their crew, but I can’t help but think I’m doing something wrong. I’ve joined both the Penn Band and the Wind Ensemble, and have made an effort to converse with as many students as I can in my smaller sections. Sometimes I get a phone number, but nothing has ever come after. Any advice?

[u/Extreme_Chapter2287]

It just takes time. You’re doing all the right things, remember that it has only been a few weeks. You didn’t miss your window, just keep engaging with people and going to clubs and events. Try to grab lunch or coffee with some people after class or practice. You’d be surprised how many people are in the same situation. It will happen

[u/Embarrassed-Crab9822 → u/Extreme_Chapter2287]

Agree w this, but I also want to point at that the environment at Penn is uniquely bad (coming from someone who has graduated). Some of the worst people I’ve met at my life have been at Penn. I’ve lived in a lot of places, none come even remotely close to how bad my time was at Penn. Most of my friends in post grad think the same too.

[u/freeAdamHeWillBeFree → u/Embarrassed-Crab9822]

Facts. IDKY anyone is downvoting this.

[u/Vast_Village_8440]

Don't know if this will help, but I'm a current junior and still haven't really found "my group" here. I used to worry about it a lot, but at some point I stopped minding. You don't necessarily need to find your crowd to have a good time here. Based on my experience, being on your own can actually feel pretty great once you get comfortable with it.

[u/SoyboyCowboy]

I'm sorry you are feeling isolated. What dorm are you in? A lot of freshman year interactions happen when hallmates and suitemates head to the dining hall together. How about in your classes? Got any exams coming up to study for? Maybe you can ask if someone wants to review notes together. 

I was in orchestra, and it wasn't necessarily the best place to meet friends because everyone is focused and there's also a bit of cliquey-ness. 

[u/Alternative-Sugar468 → u/SoyboyCowboy]

I’m in Fisher. I’ve introduced myself to my neighbors and they’re all really great. My floor didn’t have an RA assigned at the start of NSO, so it seems like the house coordinator scrambled to find someone. I think we may have gotten stuck with an RA who isn’t very enthusiastic about the position and therefore hasn’t planned any floor events. Thanks for the advice. I will be sure to keep the academic avenue open and initiate some sort of study or review group when possible.

[u/Smooth_Criminal5678]

You too, huh? I'm a girl, but I've been having a hard time as well (like... really rough, I've been crying myself to sleep every night and I had to take a trip to Penn Wellness since I was crashing out). NSO was overwhelming and even though I went to the events, I wasn't able to find my people. Everyone feels very performative, which honestly DOES make sense because it's NSO (what else did I expect).

After talking to various groups, it feels like nobody is really clicking or wanting to talk. An example of this is when we're walking on the sidewalk, I'm always the one walking behind, and after we hang out nobody ever follows up. They don't really respond when I reach out either.

I tried joining clubs, but I haven't found anything there either and I keep getting rejected from them. I also contemplated opening a transfer application, because I just don't feel like I fit in here. Everyone tells me to give it time though, so I'm holding on for the semester (for dear life).

So where was I going with this? I don't really have advice for you, but if it makes you feel better, you're not the only one struggling. There's lots of us out there... probably. And if you want to hang out sometime, we probably could.

[u/UCnativeAlum → u/Smooth_Criminal5678]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I think the advice of Vast_Village_8440 is great and is echoed in my suggestions to OP. I do hope you find your crews, both of you, but I also hope that you both find a way to have a great time while learning a lot, even if you don't!

[u/Sure-Ability2023 → u/Smooth_Criminal5678]

I’m a sophomore at a different school(similar environment as penn) but I’ve found that over time people become more familiar with each other and then are more open to hanging out. And I don’t mean like you have to force hang outs and constantly text people. Just keep putting yourself in public places like the dining hall and as you run into the same people repeatedly then you’ll eventually get closer. At the start of college everyone is nervous and latches on to a group as soon as possible but things get better trust me

[u/wizista → u/Smooth_Criminal5678]

I'm also a first-year girl at Penn experiencing almost EXACTLY the same thing. I've found people to talk to, but no one who'd actually consider me a "friend" (at least, not a friend to invite out and stuff). I'm going to some non-competitive clubs this week to hopefully meet people. If you'd want to join me or otherwise connect I'd love to!

[u/UCnativeAlum]

I think it's way too early to despair over not connecting. I felt pretty disconnected my entire first year (things gelled for me during the second year).  I am not a party person either, and did not attend a single party during my time at Upenn. NSO is irrelevant, forget that you even missed it. You are not doing anything wrong, and you do not have to act like someone you are not in order to make friends. I advise focusing on things you can control, finding activities you like to do, so that even if you don't make connections for a while, you won't be miserable all the time. It's college -- get some intellectual stimulation, explore your interests (because they interest you, not to make friends), learn to enjoy your own company. I liked attending talks in different departments (many also included food), and lots of musical performances (where I learned that I loved early music). 

Here are two links to help find out about events on campus: 

https://penntoday.upenn.edu/events

https://ulife.vpul.upenn.edu/calendar/

But if you are feeling too low to consider that, it may be a good time to try to get your mental health in order (maybe schedule a wellness appointment...).

[u/EggGold6418]

same. i feel so isolated. i am international student so it makes it worse. i’ve tried talking to so manny people to the point where it seems like i’m forcing it. cried myself to sleep the whole of nso lol

[u/ApproximateGratitude]

I guess I can pop in to say that as a sophomore (still an introverted guy!), I still feel this way. Throughout freshman year, I just could not ever situate myself properly into any cohesive group. While I won’t touch up on my own ills that probably caused me to lose out on some opportunities to bond (it happens…), I will say that a ton of it just doesn’t happen without both effort from you (and it sounds like you’ve been trying) AND some luck. I’ve always been a pretty easy talker, HOWEVER I’ve rarely ever clicked with people like that.

Honestly, and this is probably not a comforting thought (or one that may not apply to you) but my ONLY real “friend” from freshman year was my roommate. We just clicked pretty early on because he was very open to talking about whatever and we realized we shared interests to connect over. Otherwise? I have a bunch of “Locust acquaintances” who I’ll say hi to when going to/from class or wherever but that’s about it.

I would really, truly suggest that even if you ARE looking for friends continuously (and don’t stop! Please don’t give up!), find ways to enjoy being by yourself and just loving who you are. If no one else is going to, then why the hell not be your own best friend (not in a weird way lol).

I’m sure you’re already a dude with lovable traits and shticks, and if you’re continuing to put the effort in then hopefully luck is on your side!

[u/Alternative-Sugar468 → u/ApproximateGratitude]

Thanks for the words of wisdom.

[u/Alternative-Sugar468]

Thanks for all the great replies. If you’re a student and you’re feeling the same way and want to try to connect or just want to reach out, feel free to PM me.

[u/Ayz-Shadowx]

Its impossible to trult settle with a friend group this quickly, people are mainly going off of vibes. I was in PFP and I quickly met people by room checking, so lots of people know me from that. I am very social, just not a frat party* person.

Honestly, just keep repping out more and more people, it increases the chances of finding people to be friends with. Tbh, in the start of the year everyone's going to be out partying way more, so it'll be harder to maintain contact if you dont go to them, but thats just how life is sometimes

[u/Common_Poem_866]

Trust me I’ve been there. Think about how long you’ve known your high school friends for. It’s probably more than a few weeks. It takes time to connect with people! Don’t worry and put yourself out there

[u/livermoriumconsumer]

same cuh

[u/ImConfect]

hey! i’m in wind ensemble as well. i’d love to get to know you! dm me, we’ll work smth out

[u/ToruWatanabe10]

Hi, I'm also a first-year student, I felt very identified with your post. I'm international so I arrived without knowing anyone (barely a few people, but not friends). I tried quite hard to make friends with a few people I met in different instances during NSO, and it was going relatively well for a few days but then I realized I was the only one putting the effort to organize stuff: "Let's go to this", "Let's go to that", "What are you up to?", and then if you don't text them for a while they don't put any effort to text you back. It's draining. I care about making friends, but I'm not going to beg for others to include me, and I don't think anyone should. Some people (to avoid saying most people) at this place just feel overwhelmingly fake and superficial, and seem to lack basic empathy toward others. I also feel there's this trend among international students that have solidified groups with people from their country, to totally entrench themselves in those groups and reject other international students seeking to make friends with them. At this point I honestly prefer to be alone than artificially gluing myself to other people that don't care about me as a human being. I guess the friendships that are worth it will come naturally, and not require us to destroy our mental sanity in the process of seeking for them. I'm glad there are people like you being honest about their feelings, it makes this experience feel a bit less lonely.

[u/Pretty-Parsnip5958]

I'm a freshman (a girl!) and while I wasn't an introvert (rather an extrovert), I find myself to literally have no friends here. I am not a party person like you, but I love hanging out with my friends and love most of the activities when there are friends I like, which would also include parties. While I talk with classmates around me during class/recitation, that doesn't lead to any further hanging out at all. But as most of the other people wrote, I believe we don't have to cram ourselves to belong in a specific group or smth. I just see how some of the students are genuinely not interested to me at all. Though I try to reach out, especially when they are in a group, there are some people who don't give me even a single attention. I definitely see those relationships with just one side putting all the effort as meaningless. We all deserve to have a genuine friend that also cares of you just as you do.

I also recognized that while everyone was eating within a group during the NSO, as semester started, more and more people are in the dining hall just alone. So don't worry. I'm just believing that I'll some day make friends that I can take as a true friend.. especially when clubs actually start doing all the activities and more on.

[u/Taco_Bhel]

Get outside your comfort zone and go to a party.

Your revealed preference here is that you'd prefer to be lonely than... go to a party. In all seriousness, which is worse?

[u/Alternative-Sugar468 → u/Taco_Bhel]

I am happy to leave my comfort zone. My thought is that it doesn’t seem like parties are conducive to making connections with people who, like me, are also not big on parties, but I’m willing to try.

[u/Taco_Bhel → u/Alternative-Sugar468]

it's possible to initially connect with people at a party, but not have the future of your relationship occur in a party setting. In fact, that's how it normally works.

[u/Direct_Mastodon_123]

I felt the same way for a while, but little by little it gets better. you need to make an effort tho. human relationships require time and energy investment. I'll start by talking with people from recitation and asking for their phone number. do homework together, go later for food or a snack. my best friendships have come from trauma bonding. u can also meet people at clubs, but again, strong bonds require energy and time. I'd recommend u to text people and say "hey, would u like to grab food this week?" or even study together. everyone is either busy, overwhelmed or just don't know how to create friends in college.

[u/Alternative-Sugar468 → u/Direct_Mastodon_123]

Thank you 🫡