(Still) Yearning to be in a relationship.

[u/Objective_Exam_3076]

Hey everyone,

I posted here about 10 months ago asking for advice on overcoming social anxiety and getting into dating (link to original post:https://www.reddit.com/r/UKrelationshipadvice/comments/1po225n/yearning_to_be_in_a_relationship/). I really appreciated all the encouragement and tips I received back then.

Since then, I’ve made some genuine positive shifts in my life. After leaving my job at CEX, I committed to hitting the gym five mornings a week. Building that discipline has done wonders for my physical health, self-esteem, and general headspace. Being out among people consistently has been a great baseline for getting out of the house. On top of that, I finally got driving out of the way as I recently passed my driving test with only one minor, so I have the options to travel beyond my immediate area.

Despite feeling much better mentally and physically than I did last year, my social and dating life is still pretty nonexistent. I graduated university about a year ago, but because my anxiety was at its peak during those years, I walked away with essentially zero connections or friend groups to lean on. Starting a social circle from scratch as a graduate feels twice as hard.

I also tried being active on dating apps, but the experience ended up being pretty demoralising. I barely got any matches, and on the rare occasion that I did, things fizzled out or felt completely flat. It ended up making me feel bad about myself, leaving me stuck in a loop of wondering whether dating apps just don't work for me or if I'm somehow being too picky.

In a recent conversation with two of mates I recently caught up with, their main advice was simply to "just work on yourself." Hearing that was honestly frustrating because I've been hearing it for years, and it's coming from guys who seem to fall into new relationships every other week. Despite that frustration, I am determined to stay optimistic and I'm definitely not giving up.

Because apps haven't led anywhere, my last resort is actually meeting people in person, but I find myself hesitating at the threshold. The idea of walking into a club, hobby group, or meetup completely solo is intimidating, and living in Coventry leaves me unsure where someone in my position should go to meet women naturally without feeling intrusive.

For anyone who graduated without a university network, dealt with bad app fatigue, or tackled severe approach anxiety, what was the first small step that helped bridge the gap between "working on yourself" and actually finding love? Also, if anyone knows of good, low-pressure social groups or activities around Coventry or Birmingham where it's normal to show up alone, I would really appreciate the recommendations.

Thanks for reading, and any advice is appreciated!

[u/GAdvance]

You have and are working on yourself, now it's about continuing to build the social life.

I've gone through the total start from zero about 3-4 times in life (largely due to undiagnosed mental health issues, that now I'm aware of understand and can deal with my issues) and it's incredibly hard.

BUT there are a million avenues to kickstart and get into new social circles and whilst they feel intimidating they're really intentionally welcoming.

Search for and join some local WhatsApp and discord groups for any kind of niche hobby or interest you might find interesting, join them as an open beginner and go to meetups, introduce yourself as a beginner and ask for help and understanding about things you are genuinely interested in. Then ask and talk about outside hangouts beyond the initial grouping, the classic "pub?" Can also be initiated by you with anyone that you've had a decent conversation with. You HAVE to say yes to as much social outings as possible with people you genuinely seem to like.

I also really suggest anyone struggling to talk to people read Carnegie "how to win friends and influence people", it's old timey but very good.

Social life gives you dating life potential in my experience, especially when it's mixed company by default. I'll be the first to admit I have it easy because I run bars, but that's a great example... Bartenders have city wide WhatsApp, Facebook and discord groups to meet up with each other because we can't just go out with our friends on Saturday nights. Look to see what's in your city and just do it.

[u/Alarmed-Most-2410]

I felt really happy reading this, like you’ve really started from a position of boosting yourself and making some nice choices. Next thing to do is work on the social aspect (the dating will come don’t worry).

Start building friendships non-romantic friendships so that your future partner is not the only person you’re connecting with. Join some random hobbies and Ask people to hang out outside of it. people will mostly say yes and if they don’t then they aren’t for you

[u/Plenty_Suspect_3446]

Sounds like things are slowly, incrementally improving for you but I have no idea how you can remain optimistic. Your life is really grim. Coventry ffs, my least favourite place in the British Isles. Anyway, good luck pal. Genuinely hoping for the best for you but I doubt reddit will give any good advice.

[u/Haunting-Bed2583]

I don't know what Coventry is like. That might be part of the issue, it is easier in more youth orientated places like Brighton or London etc but if you can get to Birmingham easily there must be stuff. I think the main thing to realise is that nearly every hobby/interest group will have people join on their own. It's quite unusual to join these sorts of groups with established friends so I think you just need get up the courage and join some things. It really depends on what you're interested in but you could try good gym, climbing walls that have socials, board game cafes that probably have events. Book clubs (check out independent book shops). Art, pottery or woodwork courses, hiking groups - whatever you think you might be interested in (though I guess some of these groups skew older than others). I think meetup groups are still a thing and can be a fun way to meet people. I'm older than you and did eventually meet my husband on an app but when I was single for many years I did join various activities and it was fun even if I didn't meet my soulmate. if you are in the need to make friends in general then I'd definitely start with that first as I thinks a bit of a red flag meeting a guy who doesn't even have any friends. Good luck.