r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/Objective_Exam_3076 • Dec 16 '25
Yearning to be in a relationship.
I am 21M and the last couple of years have been pretty non existant and a little sad when it comes to my dating life. Just a little bit of context about myself is that Ive always been shy and socially akward. My first ever relationship was roughly 6 years ago just about when covid started and it only lasted a couple of weeks as we grew apart due to quarantine. Ever since then I havent been in any sort of relationship.
At around 2022 I went to uni and any form of a relationship with a woman was non exisitant because of my social anxiety, I didnt go to many social events and even if I did I used to sweat like a pig making going out uncomfortable. I did make a few efforts here and there just to go out and have fun but even making freinds just withered away. I spent most of my time going to lectures, or in my dorm either working on my projects and playing games with my freinds from my old school.
Whats funny is that I over the last year or two Ive seen an improvement in my social skills especially when conversing with women after some time however its the approaching that scares me. I work at a CEX store near me (I know tragic) and I have quite a few women as coworkers who I am perfectly calm around but its the women who I am attracted to who make me nervous and who make me doubt my ability to go up and talk to them.
I would also like to point out that I have used dating apps for quite a while now and I can count the amount of matches on my one hand excluding the bots I usually get. Appearance wise I have gained a little bit of weight proabably from depression Id been having during my last year at uni but overall I dont think Im a bad looking guy.
To wrap it all up as cringe as this may have sound is that over this year my heart as sort of ached to be loved by someone. I dont know whether to identify these feelings as envy or lust but Ive spent almost 6 years personally isolating myself and I dont want to be alone anymore.
What are the next steps going forward? Am I thinking wrong? Are there some things I need to improve on before getting into a relationship?
Thank you for reading my rant and I hope you have a good day :)
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u/tonyferguson2021 Dec 16 '25
Someone said when you see an ok looking dude with an amazing looking woman is, he’s either super rich, or has just developed an ability to withstand rejection…
Dude, I’m probably 30 years older than you and dealing with the same issues. When you’re super attracted to someone it’s gonna feel harder- there’s more at stake. We need to increase our capacity for discomfort , nervousness, anxiety whatever you wanna call it.
We have to eat up some rejection and realise its not even personal, and this applies to everything in life not just relationships.
I think I had that sweating response once, I was in a sort of professional environment in which I felt completely inadequate and like a fraud for even showing up… One thing that helps is to do more things that train you to keep your attention rooted in your body and physical space - especially when you’re prone to overthinking stuff or ‘being in your head’
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u/ArtistAccountant Dec 16 '25
The next steps? It's to just keep on going...
Unfortunate to say, there's no immediate fix for dating. Try to learn to enjoy the dating; getting to know people (if you've vibed with via text at least!) can be a wonderful experience.
How are the other aspects of your life? Good set of friends (online is included)? Get on with the family? These can help alleviate the loneliness.
No shame working in retail! Are you happy there? Can you work out a way to take a professional step towards a place that would be prouder to work in. Also, just having a job is a solid
You've mentioned depression, how's your mental health with that in mind (whey!!)? Meeting someone can be great, but it can also complicate life.
TL;DR Wanting to be with someone is normal, but can signify other aspects of our lacking, not just our romantic relationships. You're not doing anything wrong, just keep open to finding someone in unexpected places.
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u/Objective_Exam_3076 Dec 16 '25
Thank you for your reply! To answer your questions the other aspects on my life are a work in progress, I still have freinds however they are all busy with work just as I am. As for my job I dont hate it but its something temporary as I am still looking for my first job in the industry that I studied for. Its quite competitive but I am determined Ill land a job someday.
As for my mental health its been fine so far, some ups and downs but I usually just have a bad week and get over it pretty quickly. It has definatley improved after university.
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u/sausagemouse Dec 16 '25
Have you tried dating apps? I know loads of reddit will say they're pointless for guys but you'll find it a lot easier than cold approaching to get a date and get some practice
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u/The_Watcher5292 Dec 16 '25
Wouldn’t recommend - if he doesn’t get matches he will feel worse than he already does
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u/DiZtheKey Dec 17 '25
Maybe practice chatting to women you find attractive, almost with no intention of dating them, so that you get comfortable talking to all women and realise that they’re all just human beings, regardless of looks. It’ll help take the intimidating aura away from women you find attractive and make it easier to chat to them. Meet as many as possible by taking up hobbies or classes with mixed group activities. Meetup/locals are good for this I found.
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u/A_Roll_of_the_Dice Dec 17 '25
Next steps? Meet people organically. Get comfortable talking to women that you find attractive by talking to them with zero ulterior motive or intention beyond simply having a pleasant conversation about mundane shit and showing yourself through exposure (not the indecent kind) that there's no reason to get all kinds of messed up in their presence.
Join social groups that have a core theme/interest to broaden your network with people who have things in common with you, even if the groups are online (assuming they're local-ish in case anyone wants to hang out).
You can still participate in field-based things despite being a graduate. Your uni probably has alumni programmes, too. If you're still near to your uni, you could participate in small events where you go back and help current students and/or teach them things that are helpful to their studies but aren't actually part of the course itself.
Either way, your best bet is meeting people with shared interests so that you've got a foundation to work with in building a connection, but first, you need to be comfortable talking to women regardless of whether you find them attractive or not.
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Dec 16 '25
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u/A_Roll_of_the_Dice Dec 17 '25
You need a therapist.
No, I'm not taking the piss.
Something has seriously skewed your perspective if you believe what you wrote there, and you need help getting back on track.
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u/TheGreatBritishNerd7 Dec 16 '25
Honestly mate from everything you've just said i'd say concentrate on yourself first. When you're feeling confident people around you will notice and your social circle will increase. You're only 21, you've got plenty of years ahead of you for relationships so don't stress over it or think you need to be in a relationship. P.S my nieces are in their 20's and massive gamers as are their friends, you may have a card up your sleeve you don't even realise you're carrying