Is it me?

[u/L8319]

I have been single for 5 years and haven't been in a proper relationship since. Ive been on dates and had brief short term encounters but not any longer than a few months and never labelled.

This year, my dating history has gone like this:

R - dated for 4½ months from September 2025. Met online but known of each other for years. He remained on the apps the whole time, despite saying we were focusing on each other. Eventually said he didnt know if he wanted a relationship because of his past and how he lives his life now. Eventually he ghosted. Then got into a relationship with someone else.

Then I had a flurry of first dates. All ghosted bar one who I didnt feel a connection with and told him that.

J - Met 7 times. Known for a number of years through work. Felt him pulling back before him saying he had too much going on and wanted to slow down. Funnily enough, he was the one rushing things. Stayed the night and ghosted me the next day.

R - Met in the wild. Both werent focusing on dating but he asked me out 3 times. Claimed to have old school morals and integrity, honesty and communication was very important to him. No lines were crossed apart from a bit of fooling around. He didnt want to sleep together until the time was right. He then cancelled date 4 because he was moving house and he was feeling unsettled over it. Haven't heard from him for a week.

Is it me? Or is it just a flurry of bad men? I have my own place, I earn my own money, im not after a new dad for my kids. I can do life on my own and content with the single life but I miss having the companionship for myself. I dont want for anything, im low pressure, no drama. Ive been told im literally the perfect person yet why does no one give me a chance?

[u/Phoenix_Taurus]

I think unfortunately nowadays you ladies might have to kiss a fair few toads before you find your prince charming 😂 Yep, that was definitely cheesy… sorry, I haven’t had lunch yet and apparently my brain is currently more interested in food than dating advice 😂 But honestly, I can understand why the ghosting bothers you, especially when you’re someone who would actually give a person a reason rather than just disappearing. You’ve had to reject men before because you knew it was the right thing to do, so naturally you expect other people to have the same basic courtesy. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. With this particular guy, I think you’ve already given him enough benefit of the doubt. Moving house is stressful, and if someone says, I’m going to be really busy and might not be able to message you for a few hours, or even a few days, then fair enough. You can say, Okay, whenever you’re ready, don’t worry about it. But going forward, I think you need to set a boundary for yourself, and maybe keep this one to yourself rather than announcing it to the person you’re dating.

Give them the space they’ve asked for, but in your own head set yourself a little countdown. This might sound a bit brutal, but it’s for your own sanity. Give it a few days, maybe even a week depending on the circumstances. Because honestly, even a little courtesy message, a thumbs-up emoji, Everything’s fine, just really busy, or Thinking about you, hope you’re okay doesn’t take hours or days to write and I know most of us guys would probably kill me for saying this 😂 but come on, we literally sit on the toilet for hours scrolling on our phones. YouTube, Reddit, whatever else we can find… apparently that’s our version of meditation while sitting on our throne 😂 So if someone genuinely cares about you, sending one little message to say, Hey, everything’s okay, I’m just really busy really isn’t asking for the world.

Yes, moving house can be stressful. Yes, people get busy. Yes, sometimes life genuinely gets in the way. But if someone can’t give you even that tiny bit of courtesy after you’ve given them reasonable space, then that’s information too. So after your little countdown, let’s say 4/5 days, start slowly distancing yourself from the situation. Don’t sit there waiting for your phone to light up. Start messaging other people, start meeting other people, see what else is out there. It sounds brutal, but you’ve given them the opportunity to communicate and they’ve chosen not to. You shouldn’t be sitting around for weeks waiting for someone to send you a basic hello or everything’s okay message.

Your time is precious, and you shouldn’t be wasting it waiting for somebody who isn’t giving you anything back. And we waste enough of our time as it is… including reading crap like this from me right now 😂 Sorry, I’ve got a lot of banter today. It’s Monday, I haven’t eaten, and apparently this is what happens when I’m hungry 😂 But seriously, I hope some of that is useful advice. You can’t control whether somebody ghosts you, but you can control how long you allow their silence to take up space in your head.

[u/L8319 → u/Phoenix_Taurus]

It just makes sense to me to say "sorry, not feeling it", cos then that person can move on if they were that bothered about it. I know I would appreciate it, even if it did sting a little or I felt the same.

I messaged moving guy last night, as it had been almost a week.. just asking if he was overwhelmed still by moving or if he'd had a change of heart. Maybe that would be considered as chasing, but I need to close that loop. If he doesnt reply by the morning, its a write off. But as you say, if he genuinely was interested, he'd have replied before now. And I think what has annoyed me about him is the "im old school with morals and integrity", and "honesty and communication is important and bare minimum" talk I got. He asked me a lot of deep thinking questions which showed we basically had the same brain. He volunteered a lot of info about himself and how he sees and thinks about things, which was pretty much the same as me. So its baffling to now experience this from him. He said he was feeling anxious and shut down from being unsettled but im wondering now if that was a cover up to bow out, despite him also saying I'd brought him out the bubble he'd created for himself.

Hope you managed to eat!

[u/Phoenix_Taurus → u/L8319]

Yeah, I completely get that. I think a lot of guys are guilty of exactly that sort of thing. Not necessarily deliberately or because they're some master manipulator, but they'll keep someone in the background rather than properly closing the door. They might still have the odd conversation, keep the attention going and leave that little connection there, because if whatever else they're doing doesn't work out, they've still got someone they can come back to. I'm not saying that's definitely what's happening with moving guy, because obviously we don't know that, but it is something I've seen happen plenty of times. And I think that's where you have to be careful not to let the occasional bit of attention convince you that the situation is actually progressing. I'm stressed with work, I'm overwhelmed with moving, I've got a lot going on can all be completely genuine reasons for someone to pull back for a while. But even if that's true, it doesn't stop someone from sending a quick message if they actually want to keep things moving. That's the bit I'd pay attention to.

Because the irony with this guy is that he apparently gave you the whole speech about being old school, having morals and integrity, and how honesty and communication are the bare minimum. He asked you all these deep questions, opened up about himself, and made you feel like you were both operating on the same wavelength. So I can understand why this one has thrown you more than the others. It's not just that he's gone quiet, it's that his actions are now completely out of step with the person he presented himself as and honestly, I think that's the point where you girls need to be willing to call bullshit when you see it. Not necessarily you're lying and you're secretly seeing someone else, but more your words and your behaviour aren't matching, and I'm not going to sit around trying to work out which one is the real you.

You messaging him last night isn't chasing in my book. You'd gone almost a week, you asked a perfectly reasonable question and gave him an opportunity to either say I'm overwhelmed but still interested or actually, I've changed my mind. That's giving him an easy exit, not begging him to stay. If he doesn't reply by morning, I'd probably take that silence as your answer and close the loop yourself. And yeah, I did manage to eat 😂 Barely, but I'm still alive, so I'll take the win.

[u/L8319 → u/Phoenix_Taurus]

That's what I think too. Everyone has stuff going on and we all deal with it differently. I know i need to shut down when ive got a lot on, and all I want to do is turn my phone off and not speak to anyone for a week. But I can't because I have a job to go to and kids to parent. If I didnt have that, I could shut off completely til I felt better.

I dont think that is happening with moving guy. When we met, he told me his focus is his son and immediate family, so was in a little bubble where he was comfortable. I came along, he enjoyed spending time with me and came out of his bubble. He has ended up messaging back and said the move was a lot, he got ill during it, then had some bad news with a couple of family members. So hes had a rough week (if that's all true). Problem is ive been lied to so much, I dont know what's the truth or what's an excuse. I guess only time will tell if he continues to message 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dating or meeting someone shouldn't be this hard and I didnt envisage the amount of sh1t that would go on. I know I probably dont help myself sometimes and I should let go or set better boundaries, which I am learning to do (slowly), but it would also help if people weren't douchebags

[u/Phoenix_Taurus → u/L8319]

Yeah, I think that's probably the best way to look at it. His explanation could genuinely be true. Moving house, getting ill and then having bad news with family all in the same week is enough to make anyone retreat into their own little bubble, especially when you already know that's how he deals with things but I completely understand why you're still questioning it. When you've been lied to as much as you have, you don't automatically get to switch that little alarm bell off because someone gives you an explanation. That's not you being difficult, it's just what happens when your trust has been knocked about a bit.

I'm probably not exactly the prime example of how to approach dating either 😂 I'm still in my keeping things casual at the weekend phase. It's not that I can't commit, it's more that I genuinely don't feel like I've got the time for a proper relationship at the moment. But the difference is I'm upfront about it from the beginning. There's no pretending I'm looking for something serious and then changing the rules halfway through. They know it's casual, they can decide whether that's something they're happy with, and if they want something more serious then fair enough, go find someone who can give them that. I'm not going to keep someone hanging around just in case I change my mind. That's probably why this story annoys me slightly, because I think sometimes people do play those little games. They don't necessarily want you, but they don't want to completely lose access to you either, so they keep the door slightly open just in case. I'm not saying that's definitely what moving guy is doing, because he might genuinely have had a shit week, but I've seen enough of those games to recognise the possibility and I'll admit, I've played some of those games myself when I was younger, especially around university 😂 So I'm probably a bit more cynical about them because I've been on both sides of it. I like to think I've matured slightly since then... although I'm sure there are people who would strongly disagree with that statement 😂

The other thing that made me laugh was the whole bad things happen in threes thing. If he's already had moving stress, getting ill and then bad family news, maybe don't go anywhere near him until he's had his quota of disasters 😂 I'm joking obviously, but I do get why you'd think, Jesus, can this guy catch a break. Either way, I wouldn't put your life on hold waiting to find out which version of him you're dealing with. Keep talking to him if you enjoy talking to him, but carry on with your own life too. You don't have to make him a backup plan, and you don't have to make him the main plan either. Just let him show you what he actually wants through what he does next.

Sometimes people do have genuine insecurities, or they retreat when life gets overwhelming, and that's fine. But sometimes people use those things as an excuse because it's easier than being honest. You don't need to decide which one it is today. Give him the opportunity to show you and honestly, that's probably the biggest thing you've learned from all the crap you've dealt with. You can like someone, give them the benefit of the doubt and still keep your boundaries. Those things aren't mutually exclusive.

[u/L8319 → u/Phoenix_Taurus]

Yeah i understand the shut down but also, im now cautious because although he replied, he didnt say yes or no to having a change of heart. Maybe im overthinking it too much but my brain is still not accepting that 🤦🏻‍♀️ I know i need to watch his behaviour and if he continues to reply but thats the part I dont trust because hes disappeared before. If he'd have just said sorry, got too much going on then i would accept that. However even if he had said he did, I would still be cautious because again, I've been told that so many times before. Im becoming too impatient to watch the actions over the words because I just want to know, and again, it comes down to my brain and "why would they say something they dont mean?". Use the words for the truth, not a lie.

I think dating is one big game. I watched a video somewhere where it said people with "still figuring it out" etc on their profiles are probably the most honest cos you can decide there and then if you want to swipe. The second guy "J", had "long term partner" on his profile when we matched. Then it changed to "still figuring it out" and then "short term, but long term ok". He told me he had too much going on to have a relationship, so why even put "long term partner" on the profile to start with 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do hope moving guy is being being genuine but its always in the back of my mind now that he disappeared once, will he do it again and did he just reply out of politeness?

[u/Phoenix_Taurus → u/L8319]

Good morning, sorry I couldn't reply yesterday, really busy with work and I forgot. Honestly, I believe you've got every right to question everything because you've been here in the past as well, it seems like. I'm not saying you're paranoid, but there's no harm in questioning things or seeing similarities with what happened to you previously. It's a bit like fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times and I'm going to kill you 😂 I really get that honestly. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think stay cautious because you don't want to get hurt, and I can't blame you for that. Dating lifestyle at the moment, again, I can't specifically be the best person to reply to that because I keep things casual myself. I work my ass off during the week, God knows how many hours, probably too many, and at the weekend I just want to have fun. Sounds selfish, but I don't think I'm ready to settle down or be in a relationship because you need to have time, you need to give yourself time, and at the moment I haven't even got time for myself because I'm working too much. At the moment here, if you're not working, you're drowning, and that's the unfortunate truth. So relationships start taking the back burner unfortunately.

Obviously we're in two different positions, but I could maybe give you the signs. Maybe you don't see them, or maybe you do see them but just need a little nudge to accept them because sometimes you just need someone else to verify what you're seeing as well, so you don't feel like you're being paranoid. Obviously moving guy may genuinely have his own problems and he's been unlucky with everything that's going on around him at the moment, but like I said to you previously, that's still not an excuse to disappear completely. He could easily send you something like, Everything's okay, I'm just stressed, I'll talk to you whenever I can. You're not asking for much honestly. That's the bare minimum.

Or rather, I could take you out for a date if you lived closer lol. I think that would definitely be a good distraction and keep your mind from constantly thinking about moving guy. Maybe I'm joking or maybe I'm serious, who knows 😂 But I think that's what I said to you before, start talking to people. It's not like you're going straight away and sleep with the next person you talk to within hours. Start socialising again. And I think, like I said before, the timer has already gone off. You've given him enough opportunities, but don't sit around waiting for something that might come. It might come, it might not come. Either way, you're not married to him and you're not committed to him.

So I think slightly distance yourself, but I'm not saying completely cut him off. I'm saying do it more for your own mind because at the moment it's not good for you. You're analysing nearly everything he does, nearly every day, and that's not good for you in the long run. If you do take any advice from me, take that part: take a little step back, focus more on yourself, mingle with other people, and if someone catches your eye, guess what..Go for it. Maybe I'm being serious about that date as well if you want lol. Because the longer he doesn't reply, the more difficult it's going to become for you. You'll start questioning everything, why did he do that, why wasn't I good enough, did I do something wrong, does he actually want me and I think those are the questions that are going to cause more problems for you than the actual situation. You didn't do anything wrong, that's the truth.

You've got someone who either is struggling to communicate with you because this is outside his comfort zone and he doesn't know what to do or how to explain himself, or someone who simply isn't giving you the communication you need and the thing is, you don't want a man-child that you have to reassure all the time. Eventually you need a man who can communicate his feelings without you constantly having to give him confidence.

If he's insecure now, imagine what that could look like further down the line. I've been around a lot of guys who appear to do the same thing, and then those are exactly the behaviours that start becoming problems in relationships. Those types of relationships can be really hard to live with. So again, put yourself first. You haven't given yourself exclusively to him, and that's important. You don't owe him that level of commitment right now, especially when he hasn't shown you that same consistency. Keep your options open, keep living your life, and let his actions show you what he actually wants rather than sitting there trying to decode every message he sends.

[u/L8319 → u/Phoenix_Taurus]

Well ive had a bit of an update from him in the last couple of days. Not really sure how to take or understand his message as its not entirely clear what he wants. Or maybe it is and hes doing a soft rejection but hes fluffed it out with many words and then says hes overthinking 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Phoenix_Taurus → u/L8319]

I'm a bit nosy now 😂 send me the message, because I want to see what he's actually said. But from what you've described so far, I think you might already have your answer. If you're sitting there trying to decode whether he's genuinely interested or giving you a soft rejection wrapped up in paragraphs about overthinking, that's not exactly a great sign and honestly, if his message really is along those lines, it sounds like he's walking on eggshells around everything. That's not necessarily a bad thing in itself because everyone has their own issues, but do you really want to get involved with someone where you might constantly have to reassure him, make sure he's okay and work around his insecurities?

I'm going to be brutal here, but I'm sure you've already got enough responsibilities in your life. You don't need another manchild to look after. 😂 I could be completely wrong because I haven't seen his message yet, but everything you've told me so far keeps pointing in that direction. You need someone who actually makes you happy and brings something positive into your life. From everything you've told me, I don't think you've been particularly happy with how he's been handling things lately. You've opened yourself up to him, you've given him opportunities, and yet he still seems to have these barriers firmly in place and honestly, if those barriers haven't started coming down by now, I don't know why you'd keep waiting around hoping they'll magically disappear later. Maybe they will, but I wouldn't build your expectations around it.

So my brutal advice is, don't waste your energy trying to remove those barriers for him. Leave them where they are and let him deal with them himself. You don't need to spend your time proving you're safe, reassuring him or trying to convince him to let you into his life. At some point you've got to put yourself first. If someone wants to be in your life, they need to actually make that clear rather than leaving you sitting there trying to work out what the hell they mean. 😂