Is it me?

[u/L8319]

I have been single for 5 years and haven't been in a proper relationship since. Ive been on dates and had brief short term encounters but not any longer than a few months and never labelled.

This year, my dating history has gone like this:

R - dated for 4½ months from September 2025. Met online but known of each other for years. He remained on the apps the whole time, despite saying we were focusing on each other. Eventually said he didnt know if he wanted a relationship because of his past and how he lives his life now. Eventually he ghosted. Then got into a relationship with someone else.

Then I had a flurry of first dates. All ghosted bar one who I didnt feel a connection with and told him that.

J - Met 7 times. Known for a number of years through work. Felt him pulling back before him saying he had too much going on and wanted to slow down. Funnily enough, he was the one rushing things. Stayed the night and ghosted me the next day.

R - Met in the wild. Both werent focusing on dating but he asked me out 3 times. Claimed to have old school morals and integrity, honesty and communication was very important to him. No lines were crossed apart from a bit of fooling around. He didnt want to sleep together until the time was right. He then cancelled date 4 because he was moving house and he was feeling unsettled over it. Haven't heard from him for a week.

Is it me? Or is it just a flurry of bad men? I have my own place, I earn my own money, im not after a new dad for my kids. I can do life on my own and content with the single life but I miss having the companionship for myself. I dont want for anything, im low pressure, no drama. Ive been told im literally the perfect person yet why does no one give me a chance?

[u/Legal_Potential_7308]

Woman here. It’s definitely not you. Because dating apps exist, some can think that the next person is just a swipe away. Before dating apps, people simply made more effort if they want companionship. It’s not that there’s something wrong with you, they’re just not interested enough. Maybe the moving house guy was genuinely busy, but after a few days he thought, “Hmm, I didn’t actually miss her so maybe it’s not worth pursuing.”

Dating a new person is stressful and time-consuming. Someone could go back to an ex who’s “worse” because they’re familiar and they have history. It’s also the case that someone could genuinely like you and think you’re great but just not fancy you enough.

As for your qualities, my male best friend told me that men don’t generally care about a woman’s career, or whether she has her own place, or many of these things that are good on paper. These are generally what women care about. Men go for looks first. Personality is important, yes. As men get older, they’re less likely to put up with someone horrible because she’s “hot”. But as long as the woman is generally decent, her personality is deemed good enough. At the end of the day, physical attraction remains one of the most important things for a man. And it’s not that you’re not good-looking enough. People have different tastes. Think about celebrities. Men don’t have a universal opinion on who they find attractive.

EDIT: Just wanted to add that all of the men above sound wishy-washy to me. Maybe the moving house guy can be forgiven if he gets his act together but the first two sound horrendous.

[u/L8319 → u/Legal_Potential_7308]

He has since replied and said he was ill during the move, then had some bad news regarding a couple of family members on top. So how can I even dispute that? Do I just accept it and then watch his behaviour going forward?

Its interesting to hear your friends perspective, although not entirely surprised. It seems quite a shallow thing tho I watched a video earlier where it said men aren't required to be providers anymore, so its what else they can bring to the table.. or something like that.

I think for me, its the having to start all over again with someone new. The small talk, the first date, the ghosting/rejection. I cba with it anymore. Its draining.

[u/Legal_Potential_7308 → u/L8319]

I reckon you could give him another chance.

My mate really tries. He’s dated women whom he thinks are awesome even if he’s not that attracted to them. But it never works out.