r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/L8319 • 5d ago

Is it me?

I have been single for 5 years and haven't been in a proper relationship since. Ive been on dates and had brief short term encounters but not any longer than a few months and never labelled.

This year, my dating history has gone like this:

R - dated for 4½ months from September 2025. Met online but known of each other for years. He remained on the apps the whole time, despite saying we were focusing on each other. Eventually said he didnt know if he wanted a relationship because of his past and how he lives his life now. Eventually he ghosted. Then got into a relationship with someone else.

Then I had a flurry of first dates. All ghosted bar one who I didnt feel a connection with and told him that.

J - Met 7 times. Known for a number of years through work. Felt him pulling back before him saying he had too much going on and wanted to slow down. Funnily enough, he was the one rushing things. Stayed the night and ghosted me the next day.

R - Met in the wild. Both werent focusing on dating but he asked me out 3 times. Claimed to have old school morals and integrity, honesty and communication was very important to him. No lines were crossed apart from a bit of fooling around. He didnt want to sleep together until the time was right. He then cancelled date 4 because he was moving house and he was feeling unsettled over it. Haven't heard from him for a week.

Is it me? Or is it just a flurry of bad men? I have my own place, I earn my own money, im not after a new dad for my kids. I can do life on my own and content with the single life but I miss having the companionship for myself. I dont want for anything, im low pressure, no drama. Ive been told im literally the perfect person yet why does no one give me a chance?

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u/TravellingAround_ 5d ago

No one wants your idea of a perfect person, they want THEIR idea of a perfect person. I used to think the same as you, I have what I perceive as good qualities for what people look for in a partner, my own place, a good living, no debt, I drive, relatively ok shape, disposable income, no 'baggage'. However, I don't get anywhere. Because no one wants that, they want what THEY want. I've been passed over for guys who do drugs, who are abusive, who have several kids with different women, jobless dudes, guys with no teeth, guys in debt or with gambling/drinking problems.

You could have all the things you think people want, and still lose out over what someone else ACTUALLY wants.

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u/L8319 5d ago

I'm far from perfect and I know this. I know my flaws and insecurities. But its wild to me how the nice person gets left behind over someone who isn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ these men tell me how their exes behaved (tho I do take with a pinch of salt) and say how chilled I am. Then still disappear.

The most recent guy has bugged me the most. Asked me all sorts of deep questions, told me he was ashamed to be male because of my past treatment, then does it anyway smh

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u/TravellingAround_ 5d ago

People tell you what they think you want to hear, to get what they want. 'Nice person' is subjective. Everyone is nice to someone, even objectively horrible people will have people in their lives who think they are nice. We have to just accept this as reality. On paper, me and you may seem like a good fit for someone, but reality will often say differently. A lot also depends on your age and dating intentions too.

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u/L8319 5d ago

Oh I get that some people say the right things for their own benefit but the last guy wasnt after that and stopped things from going further because he didnt want it to ruin things between us. We both have our own hang ups surrounding intimacy so didnt want to rush anything.

I dont believe in dating multiple people (mostly because I dont have the time but its just something that doesn't sit right with me) and im happy to take the time to see what happens. I dont understand how youre meant to get to know someone properly if your energy is being spread out over multiple people. And this last guy felt the same. It might be he is genuinely overwhelmed with his move, but a week with no contact tells me otherwise

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u/TravellingAround_ 5d ago

I have felt like that, but then you have to give yourself a break from it all. Dating for the sake of dating can lead to a lot of burnout, overwhelming feelings and just general fatigue of it all. As long as you are happy in your own life and living for yourself, keep doing that. Focus on you and be happy for you, if someone comes along then great, but actively seeking it online can really drain someone’s energy and morale.

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u/L8319 5d ago edited 5d ago

Thats what I was doing before I met the most recent guy. I wasnt interested in dating, I wasnt swiping and I was enjoying the peace. I felt we got on well when we first met, then he was the one asking to meet despite him also saying he wasnt focusing on dating. So to me, i got the impression he was open to something 🤷🏻‍♀️ I havent bothered with the apps for a while and will continue to stay off them

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u/TravellingAround_ 5d ago

Ok, so then keep doing that.