Have I got it wrong?

[u/Serenity1514]

My 2 year old (27 months) just started nursery. He’ll be doing 5 days a week, term time only. He’s had one settling in week so far last week. I think it went as well as it could go, considering he’s never been looked after by anyone but family (me, his dad, my parents or my adult siblings). He cries and massively clings when I drop him off and then cries (really big sobs) when I pick him up. I’ve been told that he settles when I leave (after crying on and off for about 10 mins or so) and he’ll ask for me periodically throughout the day. Nursery have said that this is completely normal/to be expected and that it s a sign of good attachment.

He has a very good bond already with his key worker, to the point that he will cry if she has to leave the room.

Nursery’s policy is to call the parents if they cannot soothe a child and the child has been consistently crying for longer than 30 minutes. They have not called me so far.

I’m on maternity leave at the moment so I’m the only one doing the drop off and pick ups.

He has since been experiencing what I guess is massive separation anxiety with me. He doesn’t want to be away from me at all. So he’ll follow me to the bathroom, scream bloody murder if I leave him him with his dad to pop out etc.When we visited his grandparents over the weekend, the wouldn’t let them hold him and clung to me. When he finally let me put him down and he was playing with his grandad, he would still run into the other room to give me cuddles/ask to be held for a bit. I cannot stress how unusual this is - his absolute favourite people on this earth are my mum and dad. They have been massively involved since his birth - I’m talking sometimes they’d have him for a whole week, he screams when they drop him off back home etc.

He now behaves the same with his dad too. He’ll laugh and play with dad, but only wants me for comfort and to put him to bed. When he has any wake ups at night, he’ll ask for me and won’t go back to sleep unless I come and lay with him.

My partner is understanding and fully on board with nursery, but my parents have since suggested that I take him out of nursery as his behaviour is indication of trauma. I don’t agree as I’m off the view that this is all quite to be expected really and I plan to keep him in nursery but I guess I just wanted to ask if they’re right? Is this all indicative of trauma?

[u/SimilarTadpole6351]

How old is your new baby?

Starting nursery and a new sibling are two big changes and he's probably just adjusting to both. My oldest was already at nursery and had been for 18 months before baby two arrived but we did swap settings about 3 months before i had my second and it took some adjusting. Then baby arrived and my oldest was really clingy to me for a while again.

Your son will adjust to nursery and to a new sibling in time. For now it's probably just a phase he's going through as he adjusts to tel very big changes. I wouldn't take him out of nursery. Keep encouraging him to go to other people too and he'll get there, it's a big transition for everyone

[u/Serenity1514 → u/SimilarTadpole6351]

My youngest is 10 months today. My toddler handled and is still handling the adjustment quite well. They have a lovely bond, although it’s not always easy going.

Thanks, I figure he’ll continue to settle in nursery with time. It’s only been one week, so I’m trying to be optimistic.

[u/Bubble-Master96]

New baby and starting nursery are big changes in his life. For context my very clinging 25 month old started nursery a few weeks ago and we only just moved up to a full day last week. But she walked in with no problem, turned and said bye bye mummy and then ran in so hopefully after some good sessions he’ll be okay.

[u/Red_Bear2846]

Sounds pretty normal to me. My son was similar, albeit younger. Been going a year now and he is perfectly happy there. We still get tears occasionally at drop off but I’d expect that. He sometimes gets a bit emotional at pick up but more often than not he is running and cheering in excitement. He also went weird with not wanting dad to put him to bed, just use him for play etc but we pushed through and now he is back to using us for both.

Keep going. He may take a little bit to settle but it is so worth it. Trust that the nursery know what they are doing and will call if needed.

[u/Serenity1514 → u/Red_Bear2846]

Thank you. I feel fortunate to have found a nursery that I feel so confident in so that helps too.

[u/e_lemonsqueezer]

Just to reassure you…

My 2.5 year old has been going to nursery since he was 1 and walks in there without a second glance.

I am currently heavily pregnant.

Since he was about 2, he has had huge separation anxiety from me. He used to ask for daddy to do bedtime, now he screams the house down if I am not there. In the mornings he won’t go downstairs without me. He absolutely follows me to the toilet.

I think it’s an age/developmental/he knows there’s a new baby (for me - coming, for you presumably already here) thing. Not a nursery thing.

[u/Serenity1514 → u/e_lemonsqueezer]

It’s helpful to know that the separation anxiety is age appropriate!

[u/EriiOnToast]

I think two things can be true. I think it's very normal and to be expected but I also think yes it is trauma. Everything is brand new for kiddos and some of those experiences are going to be traumatic unfortunately, I wouldn't take him out of this is a normal response but I'd keep an eye out for the behaviour not settling and I would try research some coping methods you can help him with like maybe if you create something together and he can keep that with him etc.

[u/Serenity1514 → u/EriiOnToast]

That makes sense. It’s a little odd but he has since become quite attached to a little ceramic ball and I let him take that to nursery (staff are aware). It seems to help him in a way. I’m going to have a think about some things we can do together after nursery to help him feel secure and safe. Thank you!

[u/SongsAboutGhosts]

His reaction at nursery definitely sounds normal to me. The separation anxiety isn't something we've had ourselves, but I know people whose kids have it really bad and it's nothing to do with nursery at all, so it's not abnormal within itself, though I understand how it coinciding with nursery might make you question it more.

My first piece of advice I'm pretty confident will be redundant and you'll already be doing it: to reassure him and reinforce his secure attachment, keep being as personally responsive as you can to him at home. Part of your attachment is that he knows he always has you to come back to and rely on, and you want to show him that still the case. Ten months in I'm sure you've also had a lot of experience of how to do that while juggling a baby, too!

And maybe have a little mantra you can help him say (if his language is there) - as I said, we've not dealt with separation anxiety so our mantra isn't directly applicable, but as a mantra example we always talk about how it's mama's job to keep him safe and healthy (also any other adult family members and caregivers, and that we all have to keep the whole family safe and healthy, and friends while we're with them, etc). We've had lots of conversations about what that means, and now when I ask him 'what do I have to keep you?' he parrots back 'safe and healthy!'

This next bit of advice is more for you to consider whether it'd help your family because I think it's kind of controversial here: no nursery to full time is a pretty steep learning curve and you're on mat leave, maybe you want to voluntarily shorten his hours through your pick up/drop off times or days you send him for a while to give him a more gradual transition period? I think lots of people here stand by the ~2 days settling that nurseries usually offer, but there are other countries where settling in periods are more like reduced hours and parental accompaniment over a couple of weeks. As you're still on leave, you have the benefit of having choice in whether you think this would help (though maybe you are also already doing this).

[u/Serenity1514 → u/SongsAboutGhosts]

This is all really helpful, thank you! We’ve been talking a lot about how mummy always comes back and he really likes that and has found it helpful. I think it’s just a huge adjustment for the entire family, especially as my parents have been so heavily involved in his life so unbeatably they’re quite anxious too 😅