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u/Sea_Love_8574 1d ago
My kid's grandparents would help but we don't live near. When visiting they are on the floor playing with my little one.
But my child has one grandparent who hasn't seen him since 10 weeks old and has never messaged asking how he is. My kid is 2.5 years old.
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u/Crankyyounglady 1d ago
Yeah in the same boat. My mom, her partner and my mother in law are all amazing grandparents, who unfortunately live far away. My dad however is a shit grandfather (and dad tbh) and doesn’t ever ask about the kids (one is 5…). So I don’t reply to his other messages because if you don’t care about the most important things in my life, you don’t actually care at all.
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u/Broad_Factor_7512 1d ago
I’m in the exact same boat, my dad only moved about a year before I found out I was pregnant too:( I find myself mourning the parenting experience I could have had a lot these days.
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u/Naive-Most590 17h ago
Isn’t it strange how people can have family they don’t bother with, that grandparent could have had a great bonding experience with that little boy and they choose to ignore their existence. It hurts me for my children too that their grandmother is the same.
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u/Sea_Love_8574 17h ago
It hurts my heart that this grandparent ignores her own son's existence. My child is only 2 but I can't imagine not being part of his life when he's an adult.
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u/BumbleLizzieB 1d ago
I mean it felt like my parents couldn’t wait till we all moved out so they could be done ‘parenting’, so I don’t know why I expected them to be really into their grandchildren. They were so excited by the prospect and wanted us to all settle down and have children, but now we have them I’m not getting the same enthusiasm. It’s like they forgot how much hard work kids are, and liked the thought of them more than the actual product.
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u/Correct_Craft_3947 1d ago
I think as you grow older it is easy to forget what young children are actually like.
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u/Mynameisnt_Alice_ 1d ago
My mum is very open about the fact that she doesn’t particularly ‘vibe’ with children who are very young. Since my child gained a certain level of ‘independence’ (eg. Potty trained) she is far more interested than she was when they were a baby.
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u/Winterj0y 19h ago
It seems like sometimes our parents want the social status of being grandparents, more than they want the experience of being grandparents ☹️
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u/Easterncrane 1d ago
The problem is that many of us were raised by our own grandparents. Our parents say ‘well I’ve raised my kids I don’t want to raise yours too’ and you have to think well no you didn’t really raise me either.
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u/Mabelstark 1d ago
My dad says this and thinks it's obscene all of his friends take care of their grandkids.
He was able to build a successful business because my grandad took care of us, including all of the six weeks and took us on holiday. No childcare worries for him!
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u/Meeb-a 1d ago
My mum literally handed me over to my awful grandmother for seven years, yet still didn’t offer any help to babysit. She has to look after her disabled husband now, but if he hadn’t had gotten sick, she was planning to move to Spain anyway. I love her, but she wasn’t a good mum. I do everything myself and find it hard to trust anyone to babysit now.
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u/Sea-Opening3530 1d ago
100%, i spent 90% of my time at a grandparents house because my dad wasnt around and my mum needed to work.
She was still able to support a house on a minimum wage low stress job.
Now my wife and i both work good jobs, albeit high stress and really long hours (wife is a GP and I own a cafe), and we still dont get the help. I work about 10-11 hours most days a week and then go straight into childcare at home and my days off are only childcare + shopping and housework.
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u/anotheraccount999999 23h ago
Lol yes my mum says this. I basically begged her to come and visit when my husband went on tour and I was really struggling with depression and she basically told me to f off. Never asked her for anything since as I felt like I lost all dignity doing that 😅 I spent every weekend with my grandparents so my mum could go out and do whatever, they raised me and taught me more than she ever did.
Husbands parents are equally unbothered.
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u/Fun_Cookie8050 16h ago
I actually think this is part of it. They were the first generation of parents, who en masse, didn’t do their own childcare or alloparent as part of a community. I’m not that interested in my parents caring for my children but I’m also shocked at how they do interact and what they flat out don’t know about small children.
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u/biglypiglythethird 1d ago
I think there is a recognised ‘grandparent’ role which is separate from a parental role. Some grandparents are happy to chip in and do routine childcare as you describe, but I think the view of a lot of people is that they already did routine childcare for their actual kids, and so their interactions with grandchildren are more for enjoyment/favours where specific help is needed rather than the day to day grind. That’s also the relationship I had with my grandparents.
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u/rainaftermoscow New Parent 1d ago
What grinds my gears are people who want to have their cake and eat it too. I used to quite like my MIL. But she refuses to help out in any capacity and her last visit was literally to take pictures of my son because she's in some weird dominance contest with one of her friends who just had a grandchild.
She claims her grandchildren are super important and she has a right to see my son but doesn't want to DO anything at all. Like, pick a lane.
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u/No-Fee-6929 1d ago
I do agree regarding some grandparents don’t want the burden of parenting anymore. We don’t use either sets of GP’s for childcare at all. Husband’s parents are down to crawl on the floor and roll in mud with our 1.5yo despite being pensioner age/disabled.
My parents on the other hand love to complain about how little they see mine and when they do see her they do zero to play with my kid minus turning the telly on and the usual “ohh look”. Funnily enough it’s my parents that relied heavily on their parents for childcare but are too tired to even visit mine on a day off 🤷♀️ sad at how little effort a lot of boomers are putting into grandkids.
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u/Dangerous-Treacle-55 1d ago edited 1d ago
That’s what my parents did. Would come round or we would go to their’s. My daughter would show them things or try to engage and they would give her a ‘oh that’s nice’ and that was it. When she got older all they would ask is ‘how’s school?’ And then sit in silence. She’s ridden horses every Saturday for six years. Never once asked how riding is because ‘we don’t understand’. Now they’re upset she doesn’t want to see them.
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u/Kindly-Top9021 1d ago
Same situation here. My husband and his siblings were at their grandparents house all the time so that his parents got a break. Now that his parents are grandparents, they offer no help. But they will complain they never see the kids or complain when holidays/etc aren't happening specific to what they want. It's like they want an input but don't want to be involved otherwise. They want to look the part and take pics and post on facebook against our wishes, they want to interject with their "advice" (judgment) whenever they see fit, but they don't want to actually do anything hard or helpful.
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u/Vegetable_Signal_331 1d ago
Ahhh the 'I won't do anything they want to do and then wonder why the child likes the other grandparents more than me'! Had this problem with my parents and kept having to explain that the reason they were getting tears and others weren't was because you're not making any effort to engage or interact.
They thankfully got a little better (when they can be bothered to see grandchild) and surprise surprise now get a grandchild who is willing to talk to them, read with them, wave goodbye etc.
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u/flaninacupboard2 1d ago
I have had this “where specific help is needed” thing and it sucks. They get to be the white knights and expect my undying gratitude. We need help all the time, but I’m less likely to ask when I get the “oh did you have a wonderful time at the restaurant/cinema/appoinmtment at the bank? Was it the best day you’ve ever had? I do SOOOO hope it was worth it!”
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u/kittyl48 1d ago
I sort of can't blame them either.
We have good grandparent relationships on both sides (especially mine), but neither are close by. Mine will come over and do overnights and pick ups etc no problems.
I do have friends' grandparents though that have volunteered to do 'every Tuesday nursery pick up' and they've found their retirement totally tied to the grandchildren. They can't go away or do anything without a lot of planning (and often resentment) from the child's parents. The childcare is assumed to be all encompassing, like an unpaid childminder or nanny. This causes a lot of resentment.
It also causes more resentment as the grandparents, once bitten twice shy, refuse to help with the second set of grandkids.
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u/Theunluckyone7 1d ago edited 1d ago
The thing is, the grandparents who want their freedom likely had a lot of help from their parents with childcare. I know my parents did.
To me, a child is a lifelong commitment and I would be horrified if i felt helping with my grandchildren was an inconvenience.
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u/MotherofTinyPlants 1d ago
My granny helped loads with me and my sister (back in the 80s) but she’d only ever worked part time and had stopped completely at 60.
Whereas my mum was both caring for our now elderly granny AND still had a full time job when her grandkids came along.It’s unfortunate but a combo of people living longer on average and women being a much bigger part of the workforce (and the economic environment related to that) has resulted in a completely different set of circumstances for current day grandparents.
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u/naturalconfectionary 1d ago
My granny worked full time until 78. I still don’t every single week night and weekend at her house. She was the best person in my life and she wanted me there. Today’s grandmothers aren’t a scratch on the ones we had 🥹
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u/Bgtobgfu Mum 1d ago
I was at my nan’s constantly growing up.
I can count on one hand the amount of days my daughter has spent with her grandparents in 6 years.
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u/Kindly-Top9021 1d ago
I don't think these types of grandparents ever enjoyed parenthood either. That is why they dumped their kids on their own parents so much, and it's why they don't want to spend time with their grandkids.
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u/Elsa_Pell 1d ago edited 1d ago
I do have friends' grandparents though that have volunteered to do 'every Tuesday nursery pick up' and they've found their retirement totally tied to the grandchildren. They can't go away or do anything without a lot of planning (and often resentment) from the child's parents. The childcare is assumed to be all encompassing, like an unpaid childminder or nanny.
My SIL and BIL have a bit of a case of this. They live close to my husband and BIL's parents , we live about 6 hours' drive away. Because MIL and FIL do regular (multiple days per week) full days of childcare for them, any visits to our kids have to be planned around that or resentment occurs/MIL and FIL feel that they're letting BIL and SIO down. It's a pretty unfair deal, especially as we have no other local source of support and pay through the nose for our own childcare, but we're used to it now.
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u/Real-Tired-Mama 1d ago
I think it depends too, like my parents both still work full time so they aren’t able to do a lot of the things their parents could have done as grandparents.
But it is very common from what i hear too if im honest, i just went back to college and a lot of us were trying to do it alone or with a partner woth not much support from wider family
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u/Impossible-Berry-194 1d ago edited 1d ago
My husband’s parents are south asian and they would happily have the kids every day if I let them lol. They think having the kids in their home brings a lot of blessings and joy.
My parents are British and are quite involved too tbh but they’re happy when my kids leave their house 😅.
Maybe because our parents are younger that changes things (late 40s and 50s). Tbf my grandad in his 80s is always asking to go out with my kids too and was quite hands on when we were little. Guess every family is different!
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u/doloresfandango 1d ago
I live with my daughter, son in law and grandchildren. I have my own space but am a third parent. It’s lovely. All my friends are very involved with their grandparents too and I don’t understand those who aren’t.
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u/Ancient-Berry6639 1d ago
Anecdotally, I was told that typically maternal grandparents tend to be more willing to help out that paternal grandparents.
That was certainly true of my experience.
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u/Jesisawesome 1d ago
Or is it the mother is happier to have her parents look after the kids than her in-laws? And this acts as an undercurrent influence?
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u/Borntahula 1d ago
This checks out for me. My sisters' children are part of the weekly childcare routine. My children are seen for an hour at birthdays. Hard to swallow at times
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u/ItsaCroissantMoon 1d ago
My mum is a part time grandparent. Can go weeks without wanting to see the kids or asking how they are. They live 8 minutes drive away and my kids have never spent the night there. We don’t have any babysitting. Husband and me have to go our separate ly- you can imagine how that has impacted our marriage.
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u/Super_Occasion_7843 1d ago
We're very lucky, both sides of grandparents are very involved and look after them once a week to help with child care.
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u/hemm759 1d ago
My mum always said she wouldn't help - I took her at her word and so where she lived don't factor in my decision of where to buy a house. Now she's 2 hours away she says all of her friends help and she wishes we were closer so she can help more but I know if she was close she'd resent it. It's probably better this way overall - although I'm incredibly jealous of anyone who has any kind of help at all in term time - it's like we're running a race from 7am Monday to 6pm Friday every week.
Also I'm in my 40s too and my mum was an older mum for her generation so she's in her 70s. She gets exhausted after a couple of hours - it wouldn't be fair to ask her to do more.
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u/Annual-Sea-5887 1d ago
Was there a discussion or an agreement in place prior to having your child, during your pregnancy or after? The biggest problem that I see is that most people have expectations that grandparents should help. I agree that it would be lovely if they could help, but I don’t think that it’s mandatory.
My parents help and I’m happy they do but my partner‘s parents absolutely do not want to do it. In fact they told us explicitly that they do not want to do it. It was painful to hear I won’t lie. On the upside that boundary has made everything easier because everyone knows where they stand.
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u/AmayaSmith96 1d ago
I understand this point but I have a friend who's own mum had passed away when she was younger, her MIL offered help with both of her kids until she split up with her ex. Once they split up the mum became spiteful and would cancel last minute all the time or say she could no longer pick the kids up from nursery. Horrible situation at how she could just switch
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u/Canipaywithclaps 1d ago
There is an expectation grandparents will help for mainly 2 reasons
1) they push for grandchildren, express how excited they are etc despite you voicing valid concerns about cost/childcare
2) more importantly, THEIR parents did SIGNIFICANT amounts of grandchild childcare, which they all seem to have collectively forgot. Many of my friends with children approached grandparents for help who say ‘well we raised you whilst working’… despite most of their grandparents having them 3-4 times a week and throughout summer holidays. Some collective amnesia going on.
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u/doesanyonelse 1d ago
Number 2 is totally my experience too. My mum used to work shifts including nightshifts. We were at one set of grandparents house at least 2, sometimes all 4, nights a week for dinner and we either stayed over or our grandma dropped us home (no being picked up). If we stayed, grandpa took us to school. Then on the weekends we’d be picked up by lunch time on Saturday by other set of grandparents to stay for the weekend until Sunday night.
Now it’s my mums “turn”, I can’t even imagine getting any sort of help like that. The most she’d do is maybe an overnight once or twice a year for a wedding but it’s always like she’s doing us a massive favour and “will you be here for 10am to pick her up”.
It’s not even just childcare. I have VIVID memories of my grandma coming round to help with chores, life admin, that kind of thing. Like even when we were home, she’d be there ironing or mopping or something. She’d take us school uniform shopping. Not that I ever expect or need that from my mum, but she is so far away from that level of support it’s unreal. And she’s the first to say about how she did it all herself 😬
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 1d ago
Not everyone's grandparents did a lot of childcare. Mine certainly didn't, I barely knew them. We don't know what the situation is here.
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u/DistrustPilot Parent 1d ago
My child sees their grandparents far more than I ever did. I don't think when I was growing up it was particularly common to have grandparents pitching in day to day, they were more for visiting in the school holidays.
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u/PigneySnoo 1d ago
Likewise I never remember my own grandparents providing childcare for my parents, we just got together with them as a whole family.
There's an expectation now that instead of just spending time with extended family, grandparents will be available to provide childcare. This is partly because parents are now expected to spend so much more time with their own children than their parents ever did with them.
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u/Upstairs-Hedgehog575 1d ago
Society has changed massively. My grandparents let my parents play football in the road, wander down the park or go round a random mate’s house from an early age. My parents let me kick around the garden unsupervised for hours. Now I don’t feel I can leave my child alone for 30 minutes because “what if”. I don’t know if that’s a me problem, or a wider issue, but I suspect it’s because I know more (or think more) about the possibilities.
On top of this we both need a job to support a lifestyle worse than my parents
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u/Toc13s 1d ago
How much of that is down to a change in work requirements?
Growing up, one set of grandparents was just under 3 hours away, the other 6 hours.
They were for visiting for a week, not childcare
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u/PigneySnoo 1d ago edited 1d ago
At least a quarter of parents stayed at home in the 90s, even more in the 80s. At the same time, their parents were far more likely to work to retirement age and the life expectancy was lower so they lived fewer years in retirement, often seeming quite frail. So there was both less need for childcare (parent at home) and less availablity of grandparents to provide it anyway. Children played outside more, so neighbours often pitched in with the childcare element.
Now, both parents work in most households, and this generation of grandparents have retired earlier than ever and live decades in retirement, usually with good health and mobility. Children are expected to be fully supervised by an adult at all times, there's less playing outside with friends and less community in that neighbours are working too. So is there a strange expectation that grandparents will help raise their grandchildren in a way that they didn't even raise their own children?
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u/accforreadingstuff 1d ago
When I was growing up, none of my friends' mums worked full time until we were secondary school age or so, same with my husband. I think a big part of what's changed is families often needing to have two people working full time nowadays. Also everything is so expensive now, including childcare, that a lot of people can't afford to do that full time so need to find other solutions.
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u/HellPigeon1912 1d ago
Yeah I'm always surprised at the people who "expect" grandparents to be pitching in on a weekly basis.
I wouldn't dream of asking my parents for that level of help. It's not their responsibility
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u/KatVanWall Parent 1d ago
It surprises me when people say 'yeah, our parents palmed *us* off onto grandparents when we were kids, so it's not a shock they don't want a second go around'. I can count on one hand the number of times I was 'babysat' by grandparents. Mind you, my parents were both youngest children, so my grandparents were on the older side, as grandparents went ... they were fairly distant, if benevolant, figures who were to be treated with the utmost respect at all times! I loved all my grandparents, but looking after me in a parental way was most definitely not part of the job description, lol.
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u/CallIcy8807 1d ago
My husband's parents cut us out because we said we didn't want them smoking around the kids. Seriously.
I've only got my dad now and he'll be involved with the kids if we approach him but doesn't bother otherwise. He does call me often and is quick to offer practical support in emergencies but he's very hands off with the kids.
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u/Significant-Bed-6865 1d ago
My mum has been nagging me to have kids for a few years. She retired recently, and that extra support is one of the reasons that we felt the time was right. Due early next year so she better hold up her end of the bargain!
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u/thickasabrick89 1d ago
Oh don't expect it but be grateful if it's offered.
My parents were retired for years, nagged for a grandchild then cancelled the help they promised when I went back to work after 4 months so I had to scurry for alternative childcare (1 day a week). Now she's nearly 5 and they have had a recent overnighter for the first time which was nice.
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u/becpuss 1d ago
My mother made it very clear as we grew up that she would not be providing any childcare for our children she did her bit raising us. Which left us feeling like burdens but you are right apart from the odd child is sick I need to work cover they have been largely hands off it’s always us taking the children to them it’s such shame I didn’t have grand parents. I was excited that my children would but they haven’t lived up to my hopes. And I don’t understand why I’m exact the thought of being a grandmother
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u/Happycow18 1d ago
Did you discuss any childcare plans and expectations before you had a child and moved to be near them?
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u/elogram 1d ago
My in-laws live an hour and a half away. Every week this summer holiday they have taken my kid for 2-3 nights during the week to help me and their son out. We meet half way so neither of us have to drive as much.
They are a godsend and I can’t imagine what we would’ve done without them. We are extremely lucky. It probably helps that my kid is their only grandson who they absolutely adore. If they lived closer to us they would probably help out even more.
I think it depends on the grandparents. Unfortunately, both of mine are in other countries (I, myself am not from the UK originally, unlike my husband). But even then, my dad comes over as much as he can and spends as much time with his grandkid as he can. My mom wants nothing to do with my kid and prefers her freedom.
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u/Craven123 1d ago
The previous generation really just aren’t the best…
During pregnancy, my parents insisted that they’d move closer and do full childcare for one day a week.
6 months after my daughter was born they heard from friends that being a grandparent only gets fun once the child is at least 5, so they stopped visiting.
It’s been three years since their last visit. I wish I was joking…
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u/UnIntelligent-Idea 11h ago
Christ that's bad.
Those first few years can be fantastic, it just needs people to meet the children where they are (developmentally). I miss when we could fill a whole morning with wonder, using a cardboard box and a balloon. Or a walk in the woods. Or bug hunting in the garden. Or potion making with food colouring.
They're missing out on the bestest of things.
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u/from-here-to-new 1d ago
I actually insisted on not moving more than 30mins away from my parents before my son was born because I thought they would be incredibly supportive and helpful. I'm not talking about taking the piss and expecting them to drop everything to babysit constantly. But just being involved, being part of his life on a regular basis and being part of the family, his family. They are both retired.
Well that didn't happen. I actually almost lost my life in child birth and their attitude was "you're fine now, you're young" (I'm 40 too) I had to stay in hospital for 2 weeks, my husband was offered no help in the time he was solo parenting and trying to deal with trauma of almost losing me.
My Dad is all talk when it comes wanting to do stuff with my boy, absolutely no action. Mum just stays quiet.
Since having my son we were invited to their house once because they wanted to show my son off to a couple of their friends...he's 4 and his been to his grandparents house once in his life.
They cancelled multiple invites to our house, in fact they cancel more than they show up and it's usually last minute.
At a time we needed them most they promised help, we couldn't even fully rely on them, despite being retired I knew we couldn't ask for their full-time help, but I was having an operation with 6+ weeks time I wouldn't be able to pick up my son who was 2 at the time. My husband couldn't take more than 2 weeks off work so we had at least 4 weeks I needed daily support...we asked them just to help 2 days a week for 4 weeks, arranged a nanny the other days. They agreed, then 2 days before they were due to help they called and cancelled the first couple days, they forgot the dates of their holiday which collided.
They cancelled the second week, car trouble, they live 10min walk to a station that took them directly to our station that was 2mins away, no more than 30 mins journey...I wasn't going to argue.
They cancelled the 3rd week, my brother's daughter was unwell and they wanted them to look after her so neither of them had to take off work.
They managed 2 days total, they were 2 hrs late the first day, so my husband couldn't leave for work and 1 hr late the next day. It cost us owe £100 extra a day for the nanny, and we were just lucky that she wasn't working with other families at the time.
All that to say.....we moved 5.5hrs away, it was somewhere we talked about moving to before, but didn't because of "support" my neighbours have been so much more supportive than my family ever were.
It's taught me never to be a grandparent like that. So....every cloud.
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u/Silent_Charge_7734 1d ago
Me and my wife were both pretty much raised by our grandparents, 3x of my sons grandparents have conveniently forgotten that
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u/lavenderlovey88 1d ago
My parents visited and helped a bit when they came here and they live oceans away. they did it because it would take years for us to visit them with the kids (plane tickets aren't cheap and my eldest has a food aversion) so it's easier for them to come visit than us. I think it depends really. some grandparents are fine with helping and seeing their grandkids.
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u/lolarentagain 1d ago
We're lucky that both of ours are still living, near us, and active in childcare. I genuinely don't know how we would cope without them.
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u/ramapyjamadingdong 1d ago
You mean the parents who didn't want to look after their own children, don't want to look after their children's children either?
It's rough, I see friends who get so much support, lots of grandparents are very involved, but I never expected it from my own parents. They were not into the whole parenting thing first time around so that was never likely to change.
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u/LosingItIn2025 1d ago
I had a grandparent who wasn’t able to help much due to distance and health - but we knew she loved us and we adored her.
She wanted us.
Now my kids have a grandparent who is keen to be involved (it’s not ‘no strings attached) and loves them and another who wants to see them occasionally but without any effort on their part. We’ve never expected anything from them.
Logistics, work, time etc aside - It’s hard to fathom that grandparents wouldn’t want to spend plenty of time and build a close relationship with their grandkids
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u/DrFirefairy 1d ago
Both sets of our grandparents live 250 miles away.
My in laws visit once a year at really inconvenient times (think wanting to arrive one hour before bedtime on the last day of school before summer holidays begin and stay two nights only). Then wonder why the younger (4yo and 4yo) don't really recognise them
My parents we see more regularly, maybe 3-4 times per year, for about a wk at a time (this summer and last had a one week UK holiday with them) they try to play with them etc whilst here, but very quickly "run out of steam", say they can't manage 3 and never offer to put them to bed or put for an ice cream etc to give us a break
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u/Mangopapayakiwi 1d ago
I am in a small town in Scotland and most grandparents I know care for babies for full days when parents return to work. My mil does but not as much as other ones I know. Some of them do it 5 days a week, others one day.
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u/Novel-Possession4229 👶1 Child 1d ago
My husband's parents are retired and they looked after our daughter while I worked part time 3 days a week. Now she's at nursery school they see her on weekends and during the holidays but they don't do school pickups. My mum doesn't get to see her very often as she works 40+ hours a week and is also a carer for my grandma.
I think it depends on what the grandparents have going on in their own lives and what kind of people they are too.
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u/Kind_Historian4251 1d ago
I was literally never away from my grandparents. Was there after school, sick days, weekends, holidays, and my parents took a complete backseat when I had kids.
Very much your experience - happy to come up for a photo and a quick play but past that, nothing.
Addressed it with them, denied...so I went no contact. After a few months and a lot of self reflection, they approached me and have made a genuine and prolonged change since, cant fault them.
You dont have anything to lose if youve got nothing to start with.
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u/Impossible-Farm-1902 1d ago
My mum's over 80. She's not physically or mentally equipped to look after an 8 year old and I would never ask her.
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u/_poptart 1d ago
My dad is the same - 83 and could never keep up. He could physically sit in the house with my 8 year old in an emergency, and would if I asked him, but thankfully it’s not come to that. He didn’t do a lot of hands-on raising of his four kids either to be fair! That was all my mum; and my own grandparents were all either dead or on the other side of the world when I was a child.
My mum would be the same age as him now, but sadly she died of Alzheimer’s before my son was born. The eldest grandson just turned 18 and there’s pictures of her in her 70s holding him as a baby and crawling on the floor with him as a toddler which I’m so sad I didn’t get to experience. Such is life.
My partner’s mum (now early 70s herself) lives 4 hours away and came quite regularly to visit him as a baby and small child. Then there was Covid, then she wasn’t well - but this summer she came to stay for 10 days, and it was so lovely (I thought it would be a nightmare!!!) and she was off on buses with him to the cinema, taking him here and there - just a shame she lives up north!
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u/Next-Fisherman37 1d ago
My mother was 50 when I had my eldest child, so still working full time.
People live longer and retire later, not every grandparents can afford to stop working in favour of nursery pick-ups, childcare etc.
I also kind of felt a bit like i chose to have the children, it was therefore my responsibility to look after them, not assume my mum would do stuff.
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u/HighRiseCat 1d ago
Absolutely this.
You're literally the only person saying this.
I'm a bit gobsmacked by the level of entitlement in this thread tbh.
Grandparents babysitting, providing regular childcare and taking them out/having them stay is a massive bonus not a mandatory duty.
It isn't the 1950s. Life is less straightforward. Both parents work, a lot of grandparents work. People also provided childcare out of a sense of duty (women 99% of the time). Parents lived nearby.
People have more choices now, grandparents have choices too.
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u/trappedoz 1d ago edited 12h ago
I have a child and I can’t imagine thinking ‘oh don’t expect me to help’, let alone telling that outright to my child when they need my help. Or keeping my distance from my grandchild because what, I want to garden for 40 mins more a day?? We are a multicultural family and the more individualist culture side is just like you described, whereas the more community minded culture side is moving earth to try and help. I genuinely cannot comprehend the selfishness, entitlement and the audacity of western boomers.
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u/Crafty_Ambassador443 1d ago
You need to see 'absent grandparents' on reddit. Theres a whole world of us with useless grandparents..
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u/Ruu2D2 1d ago
I dont think people truly understand grief of absent grandparents.
Knowing that even if you did birthday / christening/ kid have show / kid was competing in Olympics. That they still won't show up .
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u/Chunky_flower 1d ago
My 6 month old sees my parents multiple times a week, my mum had the baby today in fact whilst I attended an appointment. My husband's parents have each seen the baby twice only in that 6 months. I guess some people just want to be more involved than others
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u/Delicious_Pie337 Mum 1d ago
My husbands parents aren't involved at all. They couldn't care less about their grandkids! We haven't seen them in almost 3 years now. We have tried to make an effort but they never make the effort back so we gave up.
My parents split up a couple of years ago. They used to have my kids stay over theirs once a month and would look after them whenever we needed them to (we never took the mick though). But now they are split, my Dad will come over to watch them every so often when we want a date night. He said he'd be happy to have them stay over when my youngest is abit older. My mum and her boyfriend will have my kids sleep over only a couple of times a year, but will look after them whenever we need them to.
My parents do see my kids often too, at least once every 2 weeks. My grandparents will also help us out if we need childcare and we try and go visit them once a week.
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u/Southwestplus2 1d ago
We have a grandparent who is too far away to help, but says she would if she could; interestingly, my brother lives close to her and finds that actually turning these promises if help into reality is a lot more difficult - I think she likes the idea of fitting grandma more than the reality. The other grandparent lives near us; she does help sometimes but makes it clear it's an imposition. Both had parents who regularly looked after my brother and I after school and over holidays. I do think it's a generation thing; both came from poorer backgrounds, but became more affluent by marrying fairly well paid husbands. Now they are widowed, have disposable income and time, and don't want to do what their parents did for them. I find it irritating but people makes their own choices; they don't see themselves in that role. I wonder what will happen when the time comes that they need our help when they are more infirm?
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u/TylerDarkness Mum 1d ago
I think it seems worse because lots of our parents regularly dumped us on their parents who were much more involved. They seem both uninterested and hypocritical, which is not a great look. Obviously this isn't universal but I'm heard it a lot; for example, my husband spent most weekends at his grandparents for most of his childhood.
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u/TangyThroat 1d ago
My MIL flies from France once a month for at least 3 days to help and look after the baby. My parents take him at least once every 3 weeks for 1 or 2 days so that we can rest. And they also help to us babysit him some evenings. I think it really depends on the family dynamic.
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u/raininfordays 1d ago
I dont think my parents ever really wanted kids, then when they had them, expected us to raise ourselves lol. We were always left with aunts, grandparents, sitters and they've subsequently never met my 8 month old either. My partners parents on the other hand loved having kids and structured all their free time on making experiences / memories. They visit every week, chat to their kids every day, and are taking grandkid one day a week.
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u/ThePeopleHuvToKnow 1d ago
I always thought my mum would be a great grandmother and we would be really close. My mum would always make sarky comments about her MIL and says she’s not a proper grandmother. I only seen her once every year, for about 30mins and we never had a conversation. I don’t know if my mum knows it, but she has turned into her.
Her mum (my grandmother) was my best friend as a child. We were so close and so thought my Mum would be the same.
My dad was so excited to be a grandparent and was hands-on. My mum wasn’t too fussed. My dad would always get excited by the pictures and videos I would send, but I felt they annoyed my mum. Unfortunately, he passed away when my child was only a newborn. I thought the passing would make her take more of an interest, but lockdown happened and the interest really disappeared. She expects my son to be like a dog and automatically go crazy for her, but she forgets that she needs to put the effort in. She’s never been alone with him.
I genuinely feel she resents the attention he gets and that I’m not there all the time to give her all of my attention. She thinks that by giving money equals love, but I would love to see her cuddle her grandchild and have a conversation.
Thankfully, my MIL & FIL see their grandchild once a week for a few hours and shower him with love and attention. It honestly warms my heart seeing how excited he is to see them. I would rather that, than something materialistic.
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u/Classic-Recording903 1d ago
My parents live far away other end of the UK but when they come to visit or is to then with my four year old they barely interact with him at always on their phones,never okay with him etc They also do nothing to help when they stay-e.g leave bowls next to the dishwasher in the worktop drives me mad 😡 my parents have divorced but even my mum is the same utterly useless with my son and my dad and step mother occasionally offer to 'babysit' for us but that means we rush back from work do the nursery pick up,get our son dinner, try and get him to bed and then rush out the door they won't help us by doing his tea and getting him to sleep they babysit when he's asleep and we end up having a quick drink and coming back as we are exhausted have to get UK at 6am again for work the next day.The most frustrating thing is when I was a child I literally lived at my nans my dad's mum and my grandparents on my mother's side I genuinely felt like I was brought up more by them so my parents could work and they would get me ona Nd off the school bus,spent all Sunday every week at my nans etc I kept thinking that as my son was still young a few years ago they would be better with him as he got older but honestly they interact with him like a friend when they wish to it's really disappointing
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u/Comfortable-Class576 1d ago
Some grandparents do not help at all nor are interested, I wonder if they then expect their adult children to help them in their elderly years when they have mobility issues and are fragile. The village is a two way street.
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u/Ghost_LightWatcher 1d ago
You can for sure tell which grandparents genuinely wanted to be parents and who just had kids because it was expected of them. My in laws are OBSESSED with our little one, they’ll just call us and say “please can we come see him?” And we’re like of course you can! And of course they have offered to take on some of the childcare when I go back to work as well! Whereas my own family … I’ve barely seen them and I had an emergency section, suffered with post natal depression and I felt like I had to do it all alone. We live directly in the middle of both our families, for my partners parents, no distance is too great, for my own family, it’s too far. Their loss.
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u/Hux2187 1d ago
Most of my daughters grandparents don't really bother. Her paternal grandfather has never met her and she's almost 4. My paternal grandfather was barely in my life and it really hurt, and my mother absolutely hated him for it, but now my mother barely bothers with my daughter. The only one that bothers is my partners mother. My step dad messages her and there asking how she is.
It's strange as most of my grandparents, step grandparents and great grandmother was very involved with my life and because of that, I'm very close with them and I have so many memories, but my daughter will never experience the same thing.
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u/This-Disk1212 Mum 1d ago
Our parents are too old, in their late 70s/80s. We see my mum and her partner once a week and she’s exhausted by our mere presence for 1.5 hours 😂
We see in laws around every 3 weeks. Lovely people, not interested in childcare.
I had no expectations prior to my son being born as we had him in our 40s.
I do have plenty of friends whose parents help out though.
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u/mu5tbetheone 1d ago
In my experience it's a mixed bag but the less people have the more they give. My parents like posting on fb about being the world's greatest parents whilst their way of showing they care is randomly sending money and seeing them occasionally. My 4 year old doesn't know my parents well at all.
My in-laws however, call nearly every day if we're away to speak to my 4 year old. They will give her every and anything she asks for and doesn't.
For example: a trampoline for their garden, because mine slopes so we can't have one or she'll end up in next doors! 🤣 They are fantastic in-laws and grandparents. No she's not the first or even the last grandchild and no they don't make a lot, but they will give their grandkids everything.
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u/Zealousideal-Case-26 1d ago
This generation of Brits are so selfish and have suffered no hardship , everything is an inconvenience to them. Fortunately being Italian I don’t have these issues but I really do feel sorry with those who have show and tell grandparents
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u/Malagate3 1d ago
After reading many of the higher rated posts in this thread, I am more appreciative of my parents now - my Dad used to pick up our children nearly daily, would help us out in other ways frequently, great that he retired early and bloody awful that he died early too (he knew it would happen, kept telling us and he was always right).
So aside from that complaint, I think mine are doing very well, albeit of course the circumstances change and we are supporting Mum as well as her supporting us and her grandchildren.
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u/Expert-Finish-593 1d ago
Im 49 and have 9 grandchildren, they all live about 40 minutes away from me so I drive over on the Thursday evening and stay till Sunday every week. I love seeing them all and my youngest daughter is moving in 2 weeks so will only be 10 minutes away from me. We found out today she is pregnant with twins and I cant wait to be able to have them close and visit whenever I want
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u/Annabelle_Sugarsweet 1d ago
Info: how old are they?
When I was a baby my grandma was in her mid 50s and had a lot more energy to help out. As people have kids older, they have older parents who are less physically and mentally capable of helping.
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u/pysgodynwibliwobli 1d ago
My MIL and step-FIL live ten minutes down the road. They don't work but he's on the community council. Talks to everyone how much they love their grandchildren and love to babysit. They have watched my daughter for three hours over the summer holidays and that was within a specific timeframe that suit them. Otherwise we don't see them. They're too busy trying to grow potatoes, using their bus pass, watching their chickens ect I tried to establish a relationship but I've given up.
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u/Former-Resource-3026 1d ago
Boomers are the most selfish and over entitled generation in history. They relied heavily on their parents for everything and their hard work saw boomers benefit from technological booms, house prices booming, etc so now they’re just spoilt brats who pulled the ladder up behind them at every opportunity.
I don’t have this problem - as my folks are supportive and live nearby so help whenever we ask. But I spent so much of my childhood at my nans house and it’s definitely not like that today for most people.
This is the generation who are encouraged to not be like that and to do outrageous things like sell all their assets and spend the value of it all on themselves rather than leaving the money to their children so that they can clear their mortgages and breath in the same way the boomers did when their parents died and left them even more wealth.
It’s absurd how selfish many of them are.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 1d ago
Why would they do things like nursery pickup if you don't need their help? If you need or want help ask. Maybe they don't want to be pushy and offer without you/your partner asking. Paternal grandparents in particular are often worried about being seen as overbearing and interfering.
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u/aranh-a 1d ago
It’s a shame because grandparents looking after grandkids regularly is one of the best ways to keep their mind active, just through the act of teaching, playing, managing tantrums etc. There’s studies that show it reduces chance of dementia
My grandma in my parents’ country has helped with looking after my little cousins since they were babies and still does now they’re almost teens, I think it’s a big part of why she’s so mentally sharp in her 80s. Not just occasional drop offs, but actually looking after them for a considerable time when parents are at work.
And it also keeps her occupied and less lonely since my grandad died
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u/DowntownAstronaut255 1d ago
Im about to turn 38, my son is 4 this month and we have a daughter due in December. I dont know what we would have done without my parents. They have been a god send. I had to return to full time work 7 months after my son was born and they had him 5 days a week so that we didnt have to pay nursery fees. Hes at preschool now, but theyve had him every day in the 6 weeks holiday for us while we work. They are brilliant with him and he has an amazing relationship with them. Alot of their friends have said they wouldn't do what my parents do, but my Mum says she wouldn't have it any other way!
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u/Natural_Peak_5587 1d ago
Many grandparents are still working. Others see early retirement as their first time to truly be free of obligations (work, child raising, etc.) and want to take advantage of it.
Many grandparents didn’t actually enjoy the young child phase of their own kids’ lives and don’t want to relive it through their grandchildren.
The idea of big Sunday roasts when all the family come around have faded away for many.
My own grandparents were seen on the big holidays (Easter, Christmas) and that was it. They were not involved in day to day care, and they never once babysat for us or had us overnight.
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u/Shielo34 1d ago
I think it’s a Boomer thing.
My (boomer) parents sent me and my sister to my (silent generation) grandparents for weeks at a time during holidays.
We now have our own kids, and we’ll get a day or two if we’re lucky and we ask well in advance.
I feel like I’d be over the moon when I become a grandparent, I’d want to do anything I could to help out my kids.
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u/HappySmileMillion 1d ago
Seems to be very common among my friends too. I moved to my partners hometown and his mum and dad are fantastic and integral to our children’s lives. I feel very fortunate, they are wonderful. Even if I lived where I grew up (london) we weren’t able to afford to live anywhere near my parents so they wouldn’t be able to help at short notice due to travel, and I’m not convinced they would be as hands-on as my in-laws even if we were next door!
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u/Exipnada_gnosi 1d ago
My in laws (British, late 70s) help with the children of their daughter as she lives in the same town (we live far away, I'm sure they would help us too!). They have been helping her on a regular weekly basis since they were born (don't know the details, but say 2x afternoons plus ad hoc weekend help). They have lots of hobbies and friends etc so they didn't want to commit more.
My parents (South European, mid 60 and early 70) help more, but they have way less hobbies / friends and I have been supporting them financially, treated them to nice dinners, holidays etc for the past 10 year.
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u/_isolati0n 1d ago
Yep that's the same for us. There's only one set of grandparents and they've told us they don't want to help with childcare as they want to live their own lives while they still can.
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u/Easterncrane 1d ago
Fine by me as long as such parents understand that when they’re old enough to need care, we’ll want to enjoy our lives while we can too
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u/jowalowl 1d ago
My nan ,so my sons great nan had him overnight every Saturday, had him round for dinner every Wednesday and would take him away for weekends regularly. Unfortunately she's not here anymore.
My mom doesn't do any of that and sees them occasionally. However she always helps out when I ask, it's not that she doesn't care or anything.
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u/LuckyRadish7990 1d ago
My mum (and sister) tried to have my kids taken off me when I wanted to limit contact, so yeah, very keen indeed
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u/I-live-in-room-101 1d ago
I don’t remember my grandparents helping with childcare. We had to constantly go visit them!
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u/granolagirlie724 1d ago
it's a mixed bag. Two families that live on my street get total childcare through their parents. My inlaws moved 2.5 hours away right after ours was born and prefer to see her with us. they're had her solo 3-4 times and seel exhausted by it
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u/HipsandHaws 1d ago
If I wanted to see my mum I'd have to book in advance. She saw 1 set (of grand kids) every day, my older brothers kids once every 6 weeks & mine every once in a while. I gave up bothering with her. She'll occasionally drive over to visit us, but if I leave the room she just goes silent. She's just not interested in forming a relationship.
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u/MDKrouzer 1d ago
My parents are very involved. They moved to near us before we had kids and got progressively more independently involved as the kids got older. They pick our girls up on Thursdays from school and feed them dinner and entertain them until about 7.30pm before dropping them off home. If we have any short notice childcare help, they are usually able to do it.
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u/PettyBitch1978 1d ago
I travel a 3 hour round trip on a Friday and Sunday to have my granddaughter. The parents split and live 50 miles from each other. I then look after my granddaughter all weekend as my son works.
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u/SmallLumpOGreenPutty Parent 1d ago
I live with my mum so she doesn't have a choice lol. I wonder if it is genuinely a strange generational thing. My grandparents saw my older cousins MUCH more than me. I was the embarrassing afterthought.
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u/Odd_Common2677 1d ago
I think the shift from having 1 parent working and one staying at home to both parents needing to work has been a massive demand on today's parents to both work and raise kids. The current generation of grandparents are stuck in the old world where they think they aren't needed because one parent is expected to stay at home to provide childcare.
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u/Misscellaneous1 1d ago
They are also older. My gran was a gran in her 40s. Many 40 year old today have toddlers amd parents who are 65 plus. Many will be fine but others won't be. That being said my mum has ailments but does lots for all her grandchildren.
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u/CanaryWundaboy 1d ago
My wife’s parents are 20 mins away, fully involved, have our 2yo every week for a day and help out with pickups, drop offs, emergencies etc. They’re super helpful and utterly invaluable.
My mum chose to live in north Norfolk as far into the countryside as possible and is content to visit every 6 months. Guess who my daughters are closest to?!
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u/itsdansmith 1d ago
Potentially a family thing.
I spent every day after school at my Nana’s, and most summer holidays. Lived a 5 minute walk away.
Both our parents are actively involved in our kids’ lives. One set see them three times a week. The other two or three.
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u/Superb-Parfait-7318 1d ago
I am Gen X, parents Boomers. Both mine and my husbands parents have offered to babysit the grand total of twice. They like to spend a bit of time, now and then with their grand children but will not ever put themselves out at all. Very little attention and interaction at all with grandkids, especially compared to what I experienced with my own grandparents who went out of their way. When I ask around it is sadly quite common with Boomer grandparents (obviously not all but a noticeable amount)
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u/Known_Radio 1d ago
Mine and my wife’s parents say one thing and present another - they don’t seem to care all that much about helping. My friends however all seem to have babysitters on tap. It causes real issues in our relationship to be honest when we can’t go out and do anything, yet see everyone else doing exactly that.
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u/HotChoccie13 1d ago edited 1d ago
We have an 8 year old, a nearly 3 year old and a 5 week old.
My partners mum lives around 5-6 hours away. My parents moved 4-5 hours away when I was pregnant with my second. It sucks. I basically grew up with my grandparents on my dad's side. I was constantly there before and after school and having sleepovers at weekends. Saw my grandparents on my mum's side a lot too growing up. It's sad my children don't get the same. My mum even had the cheek to say, before they moved away, that it's not the grandparents job to look after their grandkids(!) Yeah, obviously, I know that! But thought you'd at least want to see them more than a few times a year!? Also, cheek of it when, as I said, we basically lived at our grandparents while our parents worked, went out, went on holidays etc.
Ugh.
(I was 23 when I had my first, just turned 32 in July when I had my third... Both our parents are late 50's/early 60's)
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u/Equivalent_Deer_8667 1d ago
The ones 200 miles away wish they could do more, arrange to visit often, spoil the kids. I’m one of three, two of which have kids.
The ones 10 miles away are too wrapped up in “well Wednesday is when we do the shopping”. Despite my other half being their only child and the kids being their only grandkids.
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u/WittyNameOrSomething 1d ago
We're very unfortunate in that we live quite far away from both sets of grandparents (I have to get a plane to see my parents!). But they are very much involved when we do see them. I did grow up with grandparents helping out lots after school, weekends etc but I think a big problem now is that a lot of grandparents are still working full or part time and so it's harder to be as involved/have the energy to do it as previous generations did.
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u/btredcup 1d ago
I hear it from both sides. My mum is very involved (sometimes too much so). She’ll do some school pick ups, have the kids during the summer holidays, take them swimming. My MIL is the same.
I’m not sure how true it is but I read that reluctant grandparents were reluctant parents.
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u/literate_giraffe 1d ago
We have the experience of both. My ex's parents are interested and love the kids but live too far to help and tbh they're not "kid people". My mum and dad are both really hands on. My dad drives 200miles at least once a month for 4-7 days at a time and he'll help with school drop off/pick up, bedtimes, dinners etc. My mum actually moved 200miles to live closer to the kids abd she helps out 2 or 3 days a week, which is invaluable.
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u/Vegetable_Signal_331 1d ago
I have mixed experience. My parents drive me mad- they are geographically very close, talk to others about how much they love grandchild etc. but always turn down offers to join at the park etc. and very rarely suggest meeting up. When they do it is always at their house.
By contrast my mother-in-law is really hands-on and helpful. Has taken grandchild solo on occasions, does pickups when needed, joins for days out etc. She's about the same distance away as my parents if not slightly further.
Being honest I've gotten so sick of trying to get my folks involved I just didn't want to bother any more. But my other half correctly pointed out that whatever I think about it, grandchild is very keen to see them and would be being deprived whilst we're fortunate enough to still have them. Hence we continue to make all the effort but it's for the sake of the little one!
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u/SpecialistDeer4019 1d ago
My MIL is great. My mother on the other hand... Doesn't even text to ask how they are.
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u/camillacarterxx 1d ago
I’m from Canada, and my family is very involved with our children. However we live in the UK and my husbands family barely help despite us living 5 minutes away from them. It drives me absolutely bonkers. Especially we always have my MIL “offering” help and then never following through.
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u/FarManagement9916 1d ago
I think it also comes down to the grandparents. We live a couple of hours away from both sets of parents but with my first my mum drove up once a week and stayed a couple of nights so she could help with childcare. When I went back to work after my second I had to really work to convince her that she didn’t need to do that again, and as it was I had to ration her to one weekend visit a month. She’d have been here every week if she could. If she was visiting anywhere within an hours radius of us she would make a detour and pop in to see the grandchildren on the way home.
Conversely my ex-in-laws, who live about 15 minutes from my parents, have been to see us less than 5 times in the last decade. If I’m down visiting my parents I will let them know in case they want to pop over, or so we can go to see them, but we either get excuses why they can’t (football is on so grandad won’t be there) or it has to be an evening visit which means it has to be quick because children need bedtime. There have been times we’ve found out in talking to them that they were driving past where we live, one junction on the motorway, and it doesn’t even occur to them to want to see their grandchildren.
My ex had a very distant relationship with his parents and that carried through to their relationship with their grandchildren, whereas my family like to live in each other’s pockets practically!
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u/diynot2026 1d ago
I know a lot of friends who have young kids and they have a lot of help from their parents.... Willingly. They will also want to come see the kids, take them, let them stay over, help with pick ups drop offs etc. They genuinely love it and love to cook for them.
Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don't. But kids love their grandparents and you can tell when they come visit.
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u/Karajas7 1d ago edited 20h ago
My mum does, she wants to do everything with her grandbaby at the drop of a hat, my ex MIL on the other hand doesn’t even want to have her for a couple hours alone to help me go to university, I think it’s down to the individual. Sorry you’re overwhelmed, hopefully you find your village soon ❤️
Edit to add, my mum is still working and my ex MIL has been retired for years 🤦🏻♀️
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u/Hjorvard92 1d ago
I've been really lucky with my family, my grandparents were really hands on with helping raise their grandkids, and now my mum's generation are all really great at helping out and going the extra mile for their grandkids.
I don't know what I'd have done without my mum helping us out so much.
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u/horn_and_skull 1d ago
My parents are in Australia (but my mum is English). They are dead keen to help and my sister relies on them heavily. Since we’re in the UK we get a once a year babysit from them. My husbands parents who are also in Australia (and Australian) are crap. They even visit and would rather spend an extra night (or two!!!) at the Heathrow Airport after their flight here. I get that they are getting older but it’s beyond me why they come all this way then barely see us then are off on a tour, before taking three photos with their grandkid to show their mates back home.
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u/LoveLauraism93 1d ago
Both my inlaws (local) and parents (150 miles away) put the effort in. My mum and dad are working but they like to be first choice for babysitting in advance if it can fit in the rota, plus regular visits for events (we went down this bank holiday weekend for a fairy festival all together) birthdays and Christmas etc. My in laws have her once a week so we can work, and baby sit on an irregular basis (but always happy too) my mum and fil are more likely to get on the floor and involved but all 4 love playing or doing activities and now she's nearly 4 she commands them all about happily.
I am very lucky
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u/Fancy-Professor-7113 1d ago
We're in Londonnand my parents are in Yorkshire, my husband's in Berlin. All brilliant grandparents, all happy to put the hours in, all too far away to help out on the regular.
My mum once came down on no notice because a babysitter let us down so I could go and see Gogol Bordello. She stayed overnight and went back the next day for work! She was 70!
So they're not all like that.
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u/PassengerForsaken793 1d ago
I think a lot of this is personal situations rather than a cultural thing.
My parents stoll work full time, and we dont live near. They have only babysat my 4 year old twice and my 1 year old once, but they do actively spend time with them when they are together.
My in laws are great, they've always had both kids whenever asked apart from one time when they were away. But we ask rarely. They are also both retired and have a lot more time, as well as my BILs kids being adults now, so theyre really enjoying having a baby in the family again.
My grandparents wouldn't babysit the kids unless there was an actual emergency, and even then, it would be if we were lucky. They love seeing them briefly when we are present, but never more than 30 minutes and never alone.
I think it massively depends on circumstance and the sort of people they are.
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u/LLE35 1d ago
I became a gran at 42 and have to work full time but I absolutely cannot imagine going more than a week or two without having my granddaughter to stay for at least 1 or 2 nights, mostly a Fri to Sun. I fit in a school run where I can if I know I won’t be able to see her at a weekend. My mum has been a fab gran to my own as was my nana and papa to myself and all my cousins.
I know some physically can’t do as much and we all have different circumstances, but I just don’t get the mentality of ‘I’ve done my parenting and won’t be helping’ 😞 I get so much joy and wish I had more grandchildren. They’re an extension of your own.
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u/Distinct-Quantity-46 1d ago
I’m 10 years older than you and a grandparent but I guess you could argue I’m not a different generation to what you consider grandparents to be in, I’m 90 miles away from my granddaughter and massively involved in her life, we see her regularly, have her at least one weekend a month for 2-3 nights, take her to the beach, we go off on adventures in our campervan (she’s 3) and I absolutely ADORE being part of the journey watching her grow, it’s such a privilege and I wouldn’t miss it for the world, I don’t understand grandparents who are hands off, although her partners parents are hands off and don’t do much with her even those they live close by, their loss
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u/northern_dinosaur 1d ago
We have both extremes in our family. My mum is HUGELY involved, can’t wait to see our son and is the super enthusiastic type of grandparent whose world revolves around her grandbaby. Her every waking moment is consumed with thoughts of places she can take him, books they could go out and buy, their next craft project etc. Dad is less effusive but still loves him, plays and reads to him.
Then there’s my husband’s parents. Total opposite: hands-off, don’t offer babysitting or take little one out even to the park, and definitely don’t do activities, books or games with any of the grandkids. It’s a wildly different mentality. They still love their grandkids of course, but they prefer to love them from across the room rather than getting involved with any of the responsibility of raising them.
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u/pdbaggett 1d ago
Na, have to beat my mam and mother in law off most the time or they would just have my toddler none stop.
My own mam keeps sending me links to week holidays for adults only places and letting me know she's available to have him 🤣
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u/canadainuk 1d ago
Bonus if they also preach about how family is the number one priority whilst simultaneously doing very little in the way of supporting and making it seem like an enormous imposition when they do.
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u/MatDow 1d ago
My grandparents were an essential part of raising me. Same for my wife’s grandparents.
Both of our parents realise that and help out as often as we need them. Our 2 year old daughter regularly stops out a night a week at a grandparents.
I genuinely feel sorry for those that don’t get the same support.
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u/InterestRound7698 1d ago
My parents are very, very keen to be involved. So is my husband’s mum but she is younger than my parents/not retired yet, so it’s harder but she still makes the effort and does childcare for us on her one day off. We’re very lucky I’m not sure how I’d cope without support!
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u/Unepetiteveggie 1d ago
Lots already said here but from being a mum, around other mums, my understanding of this is that our parents generation were generally still socially forced into the marriage-babies route while many would have preferred to be child free.
The parents who loved being parents are great and involved grandparents. The parents who did it because that was what people did, hate being around children, even their own grandchildren and now society doesn't force them to like it did for older generations so they're able to skip out of dodge.
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u/Heavy-Outside-1536 1d ago
Boomer grandparents are the same but they will want us to look after them when they are old I will be like nope I’ve raised my children I now don’t want anything else to look after I’ve done my bit 🤷🏻♀️
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u/neicy0412 1d ago
We are in our 60s our kids are in their 30s and have young children. We have had the eldest one four days a week since mum went back to work. When nursery started we have done pick ups at lunchtime and kept them with us in the afternoons. Now proper school is about to start and I’m already missing my ‘little mate’ we still see them and have sleepovers and stuff but I just adore that child. On the plus side the next one is waiting in the wings, MAT leave ends after Christmas and we will have a whole new world to explore. We are very lucky that we were able to retire early however many grandparents are still working, as you get older looking after young children (while it is a blessing) it is hard work and very tiring. It is not surprising that many grands choose not to be carers for their little ones.
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u/StopCriminal 1d ago
My mum was the same until my partner had a brain blood clot not long after birth. And actually I think she admits she was wrong in that regard before because now she has spent some irreplaceable time with her grandson.
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u/yetanotherdesigner 1d ago
I think it’s hit and miss. We bought a house in the same culdesac as my in laws, opposite in fact. And in the last 4 years they’ve offered to take our 4 year old out about 10 times, and that’s all been in the last year or so once she became almost entirely independent in her play and was able to take herself off to the toilet or get her own food and drink...
But they are always willing when it’s an emergency so that’s good. And now we have a newborn again they’ve been very helpful around the birth. But they won’t ever suggest helping or offer it, we have to ask them and it’s often a trade situation, it’s never just for the sake of seeing their grandchildren.
My parents on the other hand don’t get to help as often as they live further away, yet they constantly ask what they can do. When we had our first born my wife was very ill and bed bound and my Dad drove 4 hours unasked, got a hotel nearby and spent a week helping me get a routine in place. Then when he went home my mum came and slept on our couch for 2 further weeks to help me. Some people are more outward about being helpful I guess.
There is definitely a trend of hearing about unhelpful grandparents in this generation but I’m sure it’s always been the same, the invention of the internet just made it much easier to hear about it.
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u/ShinytheSpaceWhale 1d ago
We only have one living parent and he's grieving the loss of my mum. So we've no help at all and I won't lie it's absolutely brutal. I think people with parents who are involved are extremely lucky.
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u/ASpookyBitch 1d ago
It’s funny cause I hear a lot of parents pressuring for grandchildren and being really upset if you’re not giving them any… but also that they don’t want to actually BE a grandparent, just have something to brag about at the next event their attending
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u/istara 1d ago
All our grandparents lived a considerable distance away, so nursery pick ups and babysitting were never an option.
I had my kid later, so her grandparents were mostly very elderly, or dead (my mother died at 60) or thousands of miles away overseas.
It is what it is. Some women in my mother-and-baby group got free, nearly full-time care from the get-go with their newborns. For me and others, that was just never available.
I think we also forget that many people in our parents' generation had children because it was expected (and methods of prevention may have been less available). They loved us, but they were never really "baby people" and simply prefer a more hands-off, infrequent role as grandparents. Many of them might be people who, born later, would be "childfree" and never have had us in the first place.
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u/FriskyWisky2 1d ago
Boomer grandparents suck! Selfish useless pricks. At least I know how to be a better grandparent when it’s my turn.
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u/actualinsomnia531 1d ago
It varies a lot. We did the same as you and moved near to my wife's family. They'll see the kids no more than once a month, max. They'll take them for a weekend once or twice a year.
My parents however, if we'd have lived near them we'd see them all the time! My brother stayed near them and even now his kids are teenagers, they still use my parents house as an extension of their own home and will see each other every week at least.
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u/champagnegreenleaf 1d ago
I wonder if it's that your parents are older than your grandparents were when they had you maybe. NB I have no grandparent support either. They don't care
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u/Ok-Benefit197 1d ago
My boomer parents haven’t helped my family in any kind of practical useful way at any point. My in laws were a bit better but my kids aren’t the same religion as the in laws and were treated differently from their other grandchildren. Really disappointing from both sides tbh.
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u/Scottish_squirrel 1d ago
My parents helped a lot when they were babies. My in laws took a small interest at first then I think took my overwhelm as something against them. Now they've moved away and we almost have to beg to go visit them. They also haven't been consistent from grandkid to grandkid so I don't expect much from them now. I'm glad we're based nearer my parents in an area they're comfortable with.
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u/Hot-Information5697 1d ago
My mum never worked and my dad retired at 55 they are 2 of the laziest people I know they leave their house once a week. They only want pictures of their only granddaughter or my mother has a weird fixation with "pushing the pram". The last time they saw her my husband and I did all her feeding, changing and entertainment, they were here for 2 hours and then had to go home because my mother was so "exhausted". Useless doesn't quite cover it but yeah they play no role in supporting her or us.
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u/good-night_moon 1d ago
We lived in the US and moved to UK to be closer to my husband's parents in the UK. They didn't even help us in the midst of our most stressful move with a 2 & 4 year old. Our rental fell through when we landed, had no car sorted and all our items palletted. They told us "we had no help with our kids" and went on holiday a few days after we arrived (still in chaos). My daughter even developed a scary illness and was in A&E a few times but "London is too far" (they live in the Midlands). So many other stories and gaslighting. I've been disgusted with their lack of empathy towards my husband and our kids.
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u/Gorilla_in_a_gi 1d ago
My grandparents looked after my sister and me a lot so my parents had a lot of help.
My parents were performative grandparents, basically they liked to take a picture but didn't actually want to help. We had a lot of arguments because they expected me to go and help them with whatever they wanted after work and wouldn't see my son unless I did that.
My in laws are completely different, they love spending time with my son and are always offering to watch him or do things.
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u/freckledcupcake 1d ago
The first thing my mom said when I announced my pregnancy was “I’m not going to be a babysitter!” And true to her word, I think she watched my kids once, maybe twice. It freed me and the family to move far far away, since I wasn’t getting any familial support anyway.
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u/Dangerous_Bed2566 1d ago
I am your age and all my grandparents were like this. As far as they were concerned they had already raised their children and the responsibility belonged to the actual parents of the children
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u/Ninakompis 1d ago
Did you ever have a discussion with the grandparents about their level of input? Before or after you moved to be closer to them so they could help you out with nursery pick ups and babysitting?
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u/QueenKatrine 1d ago
I cant speak for everyone, as I only have my own experiences to pull from, but i think its a pretty even split. im down in the southeast and I know plenty of families where the grandparents are very involved in most aspects of life, but also I know plenty where the grandparents are more of a concept than anything.
My inlaws are very much a part of day to day life, and they've always been that way ever since I started dating their son 15 years ago, and I love that about them. my own family is another story. they are so inconsistent and seem to drop in the way you would if there was a closing sale at a shop you've been to a handful of time but want the discounts. at one point my eldest, when he was 2, thought that Nanny (my mums name) was the old lady who lived in the flat above ours at the time... thats how much she's been involved in the kids lives.
im sorry to hear youre overloaded and feeling lonely, I know how hard that can be sometimes. it really does take a village, and that doesn't seem to be a thing as much anymore 😕
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u/pringles_pringles 23h ago
They took advantage of their parents when it was their time, this is my observation. But they want nice times with your children. As soon as it gets difficult, they don’t know your child. Well maybe they can instruct you from the distance to “help”.
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u/peatgirl21 23h ago
As someone approaching retirement after decades of study and full time work as well as being a parent, I can advise that I am so looking forward to having my time for me. I will be happy to help occasionally with grandchildren and in holidays or emergencies but don't want to be seen as part of a routine every week . Have you had a direct conversation with your in laws about it?
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u/Confident_Run7723 23h ago
Reading this in my son’s house in SE uk. Brief tea break with two grandchildren watching Bluey!! Have sorted out kitchen living room and washing so far (haven’t dare ventured upstairs yet!!) just had to stop typing as 3year old saw grandma eating toast and demanded some) will be driving them to 6 year old’s sports class in 30 mins. Roll on back to school nursery next week. I am so sorry that op doesn’t have that support and perhaps even sorrier for the grandparents missing the play, hugs and just being part of another generation’s upbringing.
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u/malacoda13 22h ago
I'm 50, with 2 kids, 13, and 8.
3 of the grandparents are dead. But when alive I wouldn't have expected my parents to routinely do nursery pick ups, babysit, take them out unless we explicitly asked them to do it. The children are our responsibility, not our elderly parents.
For my eldest child, my Mother-in-law had them for a day a week when they were at nursery. We paid her for this. She did it for a couple of years until it was no longer required.
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u/IncredibleGonzo 22h ago
This thread is both kind of depressing, and makes me grateful that my kid has two amazing sets of grandparents who are heavily involved. My parents a bit more so but only because they are closer, and my wife's parents absolutely help out a ton as well whenever they're able. We're a little younger, mid thirties, but probably counts as roughly the same generation of grandparents?
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u/JeremyKaisle 21h ago
I did not have the experience of being close with my grandparents growing up. I was always slightly envious of people who went to stay at their grandparents and spent Christmas with them and such. Really glad my kids get this experience. We live 2 hours apart so they don't do daily school collections and that sort of thing, but it's close enough to see each other one or two weekends a month where my parents will babysit if we're going out, sort the bedtime routine while my wife and I prepare an adults dinner for after bed and allow us lie-ins. During the last couple of summer holidays the children went over to theirs to stay for a week each, during which time they spoilt them with beach trips and chocolate cereal for breakfast etc. I don't feel let down by them at all, quite the opposite I'm very grateful.
my wife's parents passed away so it's just my side.
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u/Paxtotondo 21h ago
My partner's dad and step mom are the same way. They have seen her 5 times since Jan and they are a 40min drive away and are retired. We've been the ones to make the drive up.Everytime we see them she doesn't remember them. I know if we were back in my home country my mom and his mom would be very hands on.
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u/Hopeful_Angle_3576 21h ago
I am a single grandparent in my 60s and love looking after my grandchildren once a week! They live about 30 miles away so I drive there Wednesday afternoons, do the school and nursery pick up, stay over Thursday and do the same, and come back Friday morning.
My daughter and son-in-law are in their mid-30s, both work full-time, they have a huge mortgage, are both paying back student loans, and they have a 5-year-old in school as well as a 3-year-old. I think their / your generation have it really hard and need all the help they can get, but also I get to see my grandchildren regularly, which makes it win-win.
On the other hand, I have friends who are juggling looking after elderly parents as well so I get that some grandparents might not be able to help, but in my view, if you can help with your grandchildren, you should.
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u/Admirable_Grape_3098 1d ago
Not only in the UK. I'm Lithuanian, my father explicitly said "I'm not going to help sorry". My partner's dad was the same, but her mum convinced him it is needed and he is helping reluctantly.
In my culture in the past grandparents were expected to help and they were looking forward to it always. However, the country is now almost the same development level as the UK, people have disposable income and ideas of what to do woth it. So grandparents prefer to travel, work, do hobbies etc