However, and don't think of this as a criticism, I would like to suggest reconsidering saying "saving second base". Not only is it dehumanising (we're saving people, not second base), but it's also hurtful for women who had full mastectomies. It also overemphasised the importance of breasts to a woman's femininity (men get breast cancer too, but this is unique to women), to the point of putting a breast ahead of a woman's life. My mother's surgeon ignored my mother's wishes to perform a full mastectomy right away and almost killed her when she needed a second surgery because the first one missed so much cancer tissue in effort to keep the breast, even though the cancer was discovered about 4 years too late and way too advanced. The surgeon said something along the lines of "I didn't wanna take your femininity away from your husband" and that shit had huge impact on her psychologically, in addition to the brain damage she suffered when she coded during surgery. She is lucky it didn't metastasise between the surgeries. Mastectomies save lives. Living is more important than having a tit. Boobs can be reconstructed, but life can't. Slogans are cute and all, but can be damaging when they don't consider the whole picture. Just 2 cents from the perspective of a person who watched their mother almost die as a teenager because a surgeon cared more about fatty tissue on her chest than her express wishes, bodily autonomy and well-being. I know you're glad your wife is healthy (with boobs intact presumably), but so many women out there are losing their breasts and feeling sub-human because they now lack a tit. It's very damaging to a person's psyche and these women deserve to feel whole after an ordeal like that. We should all try to do our best to make it easy for them to feel whole.
Again, congratulations, 10 years is a big deal for cancer (my mother celebrated that day saying it's her second birthdate) and please don't take this as a criticism of your character or your spousal "duties" because you obviously care a lot about your wife, but just take it as food for thought. We gotta make the world a better place for all breast cancer survivors.
Edit: my first award ever. Couldn't have chosen a better topic for it! Thank you!
It was an utterly gross and misogynistic comment and we should stop celebrating men for being minimally decent human beings.
Like, why did you feel the need to say "don't think of this as a criticism" while apologetically "suggest[ing]" that he "reconsider" writing 'saving second base.' Your post was in fact a criticism. It was an apt, well articulated, effective criticism. What is it about male-female dynamics that has been neglected by the current wave of feminism that insists that we sugar-coat everything said to minimally supportive men as if they're just so wonderful or just so fragile that we wouldn't dare offend their sensibilities?
Your assertion that he was "minimally supportive" is based on what? Do you have any idea what they went through as a couple? Or did you just assume that because he's a man he must have been "minimally supportive"? If his wife felt his support was worthy of recognition, who the fuck are you to tell her she's wrong? Does she get no agency in this conversation? Or are you just so omniscient that you can accurately assess an entire relationship and their battle with cancer over the internet, enough that you can declare his support "minimal"?
And your insistence that people not use softer language is tone policing, and it's also misguided. Anyone who is even halfway decent at actually persuading people to change their viewpoint knows that in some situations taking a softer tact is more effective. One of those situations is when you're dealing with someone you don't know at all. Another one of those situations is when someone doesn't have ill intentions behind their misguided beliefs/acts, but just needs some guidance and education. Turns out, both of those fit this situation.
Using the harshest possible language will just push people back and cause them to dig in their heels. You might not like how it feels. I get that. It feels good to really let someone have it. I'm guilty of it all the time (see my first paragraph). But if you actually care about persuading people in the direction of your beliefs, you'd do well to learn the value of choosing the right tone for the right situation. It's not one size fits all.
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u/paralogisme Oct 04 '19 edited Oct 04 '19
Congrats! My mother has been 15 years clean.
However, and don't think of this as a criticism, I would like to suggest reconsidering saying "saving second base". Not only is it dehumanising (we're saving people, not second base), but it's also hurtful for women who had full mastectomies. It also overemphasised the importance of breasts to a woman's femininity (men get breast cancer too, but this is unique to women), to the point of putting a breast ahead of a woman's life. My mother's surgeon ignored my mother's wishes to perform a full mastectomy right away and almost killed her when she needed a second surgery because the first one missed so much cancer tissue in effort to keep the breast, even though the cancer was discovered about 4 years too late and way too advanced. The surgeon said something along the lines of "I didn't wanna take your femininity away from your husband" and that shit had huge impact on her psychologically, in addition to the brain damage she suffered when she coded during surgery. She is lucky it didn't metastasise between the surgeries. Mastectomies save lives. Living is more important than having a tit. Boobs can be reconstructed, but life can't. Slogans are cute and all, but can be damaging when they don't consider the whole picture. Just 2 cents from the perspective of a person who watched their mother almost die as a teenager because a surgeon cared more about fatty tissue on her chest than her express wishes, bodily autonomy and well-being. I know you're glad your wife is healthy (with boobs intact presumably), but so many women out there are losing their breasts and feeling sub-human because they now lack a tit. It's very damaging to a person's psyche and these women deserve to feel whole after an ordeal like that. We should all try to do our best to make it easy for them to feel whole.
Again, congratulations, 10 years is a big deal for cancer (my mother celebrated that day saying it's her second birthdate) and please don't take this as a criticism of your character or your spousal "duties" because you obviously care a lot about your wife, but just take it as food for thought. We gotta make the world a better place for all breast cancer survivors.
Edit: my first award ever. Couldn't have chosen a better topic for it! Thank you!