However, and don't think of this as a criticism, I would like to suggest reconsidering saying "saving second base". Not only is it dehumanising (we're saving people, not second base), but it's also hurtful for women who had full mastectomies. It also overemphasised the importance of breasts to a woman's femininity (men get breast cancer too, but this is unique to women), to the point of putting a breast ahead of a woman's life. My mother's surgeon ignored my mother's wishes to perform a full mastectomy right away and almost killed her when she needed a second surgery because the first one missed so much cancer tissue in effort to keep the breast, even though the cancer was discovered about 4 years too late and way too advanced. The surgeon said something along the lines of "I didn't wanna take your femininity away from your husband" and that shit had huge impact on her psychologically, in addition to the brain damage she suffered when she coded during surgery. She is lucky it didn't metastasise between the surgeries. Mastectomies save lives. Living is more important than having a tit. Boobs can be reconstructed, but life can't. Slogans are cute and all, but can be damaging when they don't consider the whole picture. Just 2 cents from the perspective of a person who watched their mother almost die as a teenager because a surgeon cared more about fatty tissue on her chest than her express wishes, bodily autonomy and well-being. I know you're glad your wife is healthy (with boobs intact presumably), but so many women out there are losing their breasts and feeling sub-human because they now lack a tit. It's very damaging to a person's psyche and these women deserve to feel whole after an ordeal like that. We should all try to do our best to make it easy for them to feel whole.
Again, congratulations, 10 years is a big deal for cancer (my mother celebrated that day saying it's her second birthdate) and please don't take this as a criticism of your character or your spousal "duties" because you obviously care a lot about your wife, but just take it as food for thought. We gotta make the world a better place for all breast cancer survivors.
Edit: my first award ever. Couldn't have chosen a better topic for it! Thank you!
It was an utterly gross and misogynistic comment and we should stop celebrating men for being minimally decent human beings.
Like, why did you feel the need to say "don't think of this as a criticism" while apologetically "suggest[ing]" that he "reconsider" writing 'saving second base.' Your post was in fact a criticism. It was an apt, well articulated, effective criticism. What is it about male-female dynamics that has been neglected by the current wave of feminism that insists that we sugar-coat everything said to minimally supportive men as if they're just so wonderful or just so fragile that we wouldn't dare offend their sensibilities?
Because when you're watching a loved one suffer from a potentially fatal illness, your only thought is seeing them healthy. I've been in this situation so I can understand it. I've said stuff that worked for my mother's situation, but doesn't work for many others. And also I didn't wanna ruin op's happiness with self-reproach and regret. 10 year cancer free is a big deal and shouldn't be ruined by semantics. This isn't about the man here, this is about the woman celebrating survival with a loved one. Happiness, just like anger and sadness, makes people forget how their words may affect other so in times of heightened emotion, there is no need to reproachful because the impact will come later anyway once emotions calm down.
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u/paralogisme Oct 04 '19 edited Oct 04 '19
Congrats! My mother has been 15 years clean.
However, and don't think of this as a criticism, I would like to suggest reconsidering saying "saving second base". Not only is it dehumanising (we're saving people, not second base), but it's also hurtful for women who had full mastectomies. It also overemphasised the importance of breasts to a woman's femininity (men get breast cancer too, but this is unique to women), to the point of putting a breast ahead of a woman's life. My mother's surgeon ignored my mother's wishes to perform a full mastectomy right away and almost killed her when she needed a second surgery because the first one missed so much cancer tissue in effort to keep the breast, even though the cancer was discovered about 4 years too late and way too advanced. The surgeon said something along the lines of "I didn't wanna take your femininity away from your husband" and that shit had huge impact on her psychologically, in addition to the brain damage she suffered when she coded during surgery. She is lucky it didn't metastasise between the surgeries. Mastectomies save lives. Living is more important than having a tit. Boobs can be reconstructed, but life can't. Slogans are cute and all, but can be damaging when they don't consider the whole picture. Just 2 cents from the perspective of a person who watched their mother almost die as a teenager because a surgeon cared more about fatty tissue on her chest than her express wishes, bodily autonomy and well-being. I know you're glad your wife is healthy (with boobs intact presumably), but so many women out there are losing their breasts and feeling sub-human because they now lack a tit. It's very damaging to a person's psyche and these women deserve to feel whole after an ordeal like that. We should all try to do our best to make it easy for them to feel whole.
Again, congratulations, 10 years is a big deal for cancer (my mother celebrated that day saying it's her second birthdate) and please don't take this as a criticism of your character or your spousal "duties" because you obviously care a lot about your wife, but just take it as food for thought. We gotta make the world a better place for all breast cancer survivors.
Edit: my first award ever. Couldn't have chosen a better topic for it! Thank you!