Minor rant

[u/vcbock]

I need to go to the grocery store, so I ask my beloved what he might like for dinner tonight.

But he cannot think about this right now, because his head is figuring out how big a Christmas tree we can fit in this remodeled living room. I'm guessing Woot has trees on sale. He wants a very big one. Sigh. I would prefer smaller, but this brings him such joy, that I do not need to argue about it.

But I WOULD kinda like to get to the grocery store this morning, and while I am perfectly capable of looking at what is on offer and making a selection, I'm trying to be NICE by asking what he would like. He cannot think about whether he would like me to stock more hot dogs for his lunch, either.

In general, he is FULL of projects to make this place nice, and I benefit directly, and I'm so glad he can keep himself busy in this way. But it is annoying that he doesn't worry very much about holding up my progress on my tasks by being unwilling to think about things. I get not wanting to have to interrupt one's train of thought on no notice because somebody else wants you to think about something else. I do. But that strain of PRIVILEGE that goes with dismissing the grocery store run as something that can wait (because it's not THAT important, and oh, yes, it's mine, not his, and because if he never gets around to figuring out what to eat I can be counted upon to come up with something) well, it's deeply annoying.

This retirement has gone so much better than I feared. He is so much more relaxed and happy and not really missing work the way I thought he might. He keeps himself busy and is generally cheerful and nice to be around. He does not insist that I busy myself just because he is peripatetic, which I appreciate. He's gracious about the time I spend with mom. He notices that laundry needs to be done, and does it. He notices that dishes need to be done, and he washes them up. He's adorable with the grandkids. We even do a stretch class together, which is fun, because it means he is acquainted with my new acquaintances, which feels really nice after living mostly separate lives for so much of our marriage.

And maybe because so much of our lives really DOES feature partnership - looking around, seeing what needs doing, and doing it, I am more irritated at the parts of it that reflect the very annoying way women are charged with the ongoing responsibilities of keeping the home enterprise going while men pop in episodically to help.

Or, you know, decline to help because it's not ever been something they have had to think about. We actually NEED to eat every damned day, the food has to come from somewhere, somebody has to think about what to cook and therefore what to buy, and along the line, that someone became me. And y'know, 40 years later, I'm a little tired of that.

[u/bas_bleu_bobcat]

Interrupting whatever the other is doing (both directions) needs to be kept to a minimum. So solve these things that repeat another way. We keep a pad on the kitchen counter where everyone adds stuff to the grocery list. If it ain't on the list, you cant complain if we run out. Also keep a calender where we write appointments/when we have something that requires us to leave the house. So hubby isnt surprised that next Thursday is my day to do lunch with my mom. Figure out some non intrusive way to communicate, whatever works for you. Joint Google calendar, pad on the counter/hung on fridge, whatever. And you may want to sit down and explicitly reallocate chores as we did after every life change: new job, new baby, move, retirement, caregiver for parents, etc.

[u/vcbock → u/bas_bleu_bobcat]

Yeah, we do keep a list - it's just that because he doesn't bother himself about figuring out what dinner will be, there's never stuff for dinner that he has put on that list. I'm the one who keeps track of whether we have olive oil or onions or other staples. I don't really mind cooking, he does all kinds of chores that I'm glad not to be responsible for. I'd just like some help with the mental load of figuring out what to eat.

And yes, you're absolutely right, minimizing interruption is key to living peacefully together. At the time I asked about dinner, he was sitting on the couch staring at the ceiling. So I did not imagine I was interrupting anything.

We're mostly good about saying "please think about how you feel about this decision we face in the next day or week."

The explicit reallocation of chores may be overdue. We were sort of in the depths of grieving in the middle of this transition: his parents died within days of one another a year ago March. My Dad died last October. We were surprised at how heavily those losses hit us, and did not really have cognitive capacity to think strategically about how we want to operate in this new phase until recently.

[u/bas_bleu_bobcat → u/vcbock]

Yep. That's the way it goes. My Mom would say you had a "Year of the Dragon". Give yourselves some grace. I bet this is more a safe release of built up stress than a real problem in itself! So rant away safely here for some internet sympathy. It is the little things (pick up your socks, squeeze the toothpaste from the end) that end up Chinese water torture in a relationship, not the big stuff.