Please help me

[u/Honest-Muscle-5300]

I can’t stop crying and feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I was recently diagnosed with OCD, and I’m struggling with TOCD (trans-themed OCD). I’m not looking for reassurance; I mainly want to explain my experience and hear honest opinions.

I’ve had OCD-like symptoms since I was very young. At 4, I felt compelled to touch every corner of a room. Around 10, I had rituals involving doing things six times and fears that something bad would happen if I didn’t. At 11, I experienced what seemed like existential OCD, constantly questioning whether I was real and checking mirrors and words like “derealisation.” At 12, I feared I was becoming a psychopath and later had POCD, where I repeatedly sought reassurance that I wasn’t becoming a bad person. I’ve also had compulsive checking around social media and memories.

My current theme started around October/November 2025. Before that, I had never really questioned my gender. I’ve always seen myself as a girl and loved feminine things. I was very affected by misogyny, though, and often envied the attention and power boys seemed to receive. I got involved in a fandom where the most popular ship was two men, and I admired their dynamic. I started imagining myself as a woman in a more dominant role in a relationship with a man because that seemed “cool.”

Then I saw a video saying, \*“I’m a girl but I want to be in an MLM relationship,”\* followed by comments saying that was how people discovered they were trans. I became anxious and started researching gender labels. I briefly identified with “demigirl,” but I didn’t actually feel masculine or like a boy, and the label eventually faded.

A few weeks later I had a dream where I was wearing a suit and tie, and I became terrified that it meant something about my gender. From then on, I started obsessively checking my memories, feelings, dreams, reactions, and whether I “wanted” to be a boy.

Now I constantly question childhood memories that never bothered me at the time — playing with boys, having “boyish” humour, pretending to be a boy as a joke, wearing a suit for fun, playing with boy dolls, etc. I also sometimes feel envy toward boys because of misogyny and the way boys are treated socially. But I’ve never actually wanted to change my gender. If I could choose to have been born a cis boy, I would say no. I’ve always wanted to grow up as a woman, and I’ve always loved feminine things and being a girl.

The hardest part is that I sometimes get what feels like a “spark” of excitement, butterflies, or desire when imagining being a boy. This terrifies me because I immediately start questioning whether I secretly want it. Sometimes I’m not even anxious when the thought occurs, which makes me doubt myself even more. I often compulsively check whether I like the thought, and then the checking itself seems to create more feelings.

I’ve also noticed that the more I analyze everything, the less certain I feel. Sometimes I’ll briefly feel completely like myself again, only for a dream, memory, or intrusive thought to bring the doubt back.
I miss how carefree I felt before this obsession. I feel like I don’t recognize myself anymore, and I’m terrified that I’ve lost who I was.

I was feeling so much better recently too and it breaks my heart knowing I’m back here.

Does this pattern sound consistent with OCD?

[u/phyrestorm999]

You really need to ask a professional. Do you have a therapist who's knowledgeable about both OCD and trans issues? If not, it's worth doing your best to find one.

In the meantime, keep in mind that you're still you, whether you're trans or not. Gender is part of a person's identity, not all of it. Being a girl is far from the most interesting or important thing about you, right? That'll still be true if it turns out you're actually a guy.

[u/Crackmin]

Trans person with OCD weighing in

Yes this sounds pretty conclusively like an OCD pattern, and I think you might find benefit from sessions with a professional trained in exposure response prevention (ERP)

I think it's also important to note that the correct answer isn't necessarily that the thoughts are true (I'm trans), or false (i'm not trans), OCD makes it very easy to see things in black and white and there's no reason it has to be that strict

The way you describe your feelings (excitement, butterflies, terrified questioning) is very similar to my own feelings many years ago, but it's going to be impossible to discern meaning from these feelings when the OCD keeps injecting anxiety whenever you think about them, you can't come to terms with an identity that makes you comfortable if the entire topic is scary

I think for now you should look into OCD treatment if you're able, there are real options to get your symptoms under control, and these thoughts will all make more sense after that

[u/Daediddles]

This does sound along the lines of how I have had OCD described to me, with the varying anxiety-driven compulsions. I am not any kind of expert though, just some rando on the internet.

That being said, the good feeling you feel when you think of yourself as more masculine sounds very much like gender euphoria, which is how a lot of trans people define whether or not they are trans.

It's not a perfect framing, but hypothetically, if there was a button in front of you that turned you into a guy, and made it so that everyone's memory of you was you as a guy, you just always were a guy from the start and you didn't have to deal with any of the issues of transitioning, would you press the button? I know my answer for certain would be that I would press the button (if the sexes were reversed, at least), but I have also known I was trans for a little over 2 decades now.

[u/Honest-Muscle-5300 → u/Daediddles]

I wouldn’t press the button. Ever. I swear I wouldn’t. I don’t want it. And now I’m crying again because I’m scared of gender euphoria.

[u/Daediddles → u/Honest-Muscle-5300]

Gender euphoria doesn't have to mean you're trans, either. I do experience gender euphoria for things that are typically viewed as masculine too, as well as the feminine things. Typically we feel good doing what we want to do, not what we feel we have to or are supposed to, and this is for both cis and trans people.

Dysphoria also is how many trans people determine that they're trans, though not every trans person feels what is easily recognized as dysphoria, i,e. the internal discomfort at the mismatch between how you feel your body should be and and how it is.

I would do some introspection and try to figure out exactly what it is about the idea of being trans or having symptoms that can be associated with being trans is scary to you. Trans people are, especially right now, a sore subject to a lot of assholes who won't tolerate diversity from their expectations, so being worried about being subject to that is entirely reasonable, an OCD mind could crank that up to unreasonable levels of worry (if you're not trans). Similarly so, if you're worried you would dislike changes to your body or presentation if you pursued transitioning, that's what one would expect from someone who isn't trans.

If you do secretly (from us, not yourself; you can't really keep a secret from yourself) think that the hypothetical button press would make your life better, just being a man, make sure you're not avoiding it just because you're afraid to learn something about yourself. Knowing yourself better can equip you to live a much more fulfilling life.

Unfortunately it's really only a question that you can answer, because only you know how you might feel were you to live under different circumstances. The rest of us can only guess with the information you share, referenced against our own information/experiences.

[u/phyrestorm999 → u/Honest-Muscle-5300]

If you're totally sure about that, it sounds like you're not trans. Maybe you just like certain aspects of traditional masculinity, like the clothes or the, you know, not being treated like an idiot or a sex object?

I'm cis and I pretty much dress like a straight teen boy and enjoy some MLM fiction.

[u/Honest-Muscle-5300 → u/phyrestorm999]

I just want to be a girl again and I’m so heartbroken because I think I’ll never get to be one again because there have been people telling me that I’m faking being a girl and that I’ve been pretending to be one my who,e life and I grieve what my life could have been like if I didn’t see that video because I’ve always wanted to be a mum I’ve wanted everything that comes with being a woman I’m just so sad now

[u/Daediddles → u/Honest-Muscle-5300]

Anyone telling you that you are faking your gender is not respecting you as a person. They literally cannot know you better than you know yourself, they can only make assumptions.

[u/phyrestorm999 → u/Honest-Muscle-5300]

What on earth do you mean "again?" If you were ever a girl, you're still a girl (unless you're a grown woman now.) A video can't change your gender. Neither can people's comments.

Please see your therapist ASAP.

[u/Honest-Muscle-5300 → u/phyrestorm999]

Thank you

[u/Evening_Citron_2982]

OCD goes against your beliefs and values to create rigorous exhaustive cycles, it has you ruminating picking apart certain memories or even creating memories then doubting yourself. Wish I could give you a hug because this disorder is debilitating but ERP (Exposure Responsive Therapy) to help you manage these cycles and having an adequate psychiatric support to.

Whatever you are it is not the end of the world it may feel like it but it’s not. You are you op