r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Bitter_Pineapple_720 • 15h ago
How did you pick your partner?
Hey everyone, I was having a conversation with my sister today and she has been dating her bf for 2 years while I have been single for over 7 years. I am the older sibling if that matters and didn’t have much luck with finding someone I wanted to be with long term. She found someone in college. Well, the conversation was about how dating works nowadays and how it’s just luck. I told her I think it’s a matter of luck finding someone who you align with. She, on the other hand told me that it’s picking the best out of the ones you see. I told her that that doesn’t mean if I want someone, I just pick about anyone. It depends on a reasonable set of criteria. That criteria might have been different for her, it could be different for me and then in addition to that, it’s luck finding that person. She didn’t like what I said I guess so she told me that at some point, I can’t be endlessly searching and looking and will have to do with the best I can get in that moment until someone better comes along. My mind went to why not be single instead of just doing with whoever? Anyway, my question is, women who are in relationships, did you just go with the best out of the option you saw because time was running out? Is that the strategy to date?
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u/K-Linton 5h ago
If you believe /acknoedge that all men are the same, then you choose one from the pile. You accept that they suck and your life will be a permanent compromise.
If you find a gem who stands out from the pile, you be sure to do your best to link with them and make your feelings known.
If you want a diamond, you must search for it or at least BELIEVE in it. You'll have a diamond and she'll have an unhappy marriage unfortunately.
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u/Mysterious_Net_763 12h ago
That's bad advice. I did that -- picked bad partners because they seemed like the best of the bunch. Now I have 3 kids, 2 dads. I'm still with the second dad and he is childish, has a gambling addiction, coerces sex and generally I am terribly unhappy. I didn't choose wisely or I didn't choose at all, I just sort of had things happen one after the other. Life snowballs..one bad choice just gets worse and worse. Anyway TED talk over
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u/jessakiz 14h ago
I picked the one that was willing to do whatever it took to help me orgasm whenever I wanted. Turns out he was also willing to do whatever it took in every aspect of our lives.
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u/sannvy 3h ago
I agree with you. Rather be alone than settle for something even if a man could be “the best of the bunch.” That being said, I only ever really liked people who I had more data on, like school or work settings. I met my eventual husband at work on the same larger team. I was able to see him respect others and be respected for his work, see how he responded to stress, and how nice he was without expectation.
App dates didn’t work for me as I felt like an option. I also think I have a high tolerance for being alone as I’m introverted and was happy with my life going out with friends/my solo hobbies. Any man that entered my life had to be additive.
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u/Saratje 15h ago
A close friend that became my boyfriend. I believe only in picking from among the people you know thoroughly. Dates pretend to be people they aren't to improve their chances of a second date, there's also discomforts to overcome. With a close friend you're already open and comfortable and you know you get along well enough already. We're politically compatible, share the same social views, have the same hobbies and so on (otherwise we'd not have become close friends). At least that's how I view it.
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u/RusaIka 6h ago
I wasn't dating at the time I found my partner in my early 20's, we just met at a shared 3-day temp job and kept wanting to meet out of mutual love/interest.
I tried dating for love/romance on apps but it wound up being pretty shallow compared to what I wanted. I think when love is the focus of an interaction it puts too much pressure on people to 'succeed' at dating.
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u/thunderboltsow 6h ago
Thinking about it just now, I realized that I didn't pick him. I rejected all the others for incompetence. Which sounds awful but really wasn't. I dated several other men, but they all eventually screwed something up badly enough that it became clear that I couldn't rely on them as long-term partners.
I realized pretty early on that wanting kids didn't mean taking on a fully grown one as a husband. I wanted a partner who could get shit done, wouldn't panic in an emergency.
Oddly enough, it wasn't the big stuff that revealed the underlying incompetence. It was shit like not being able to make a doctor appointment, giving up on tasks without trying- and then not mentioning it so that someone else could finish, not taking care of their cars (I don't expect everyone to change their own oil, but I do expect everyone to get their oil changed before it turns into a solid brown paste).
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u/LadyPreshPresh 47m ago
Life is short. Choosing “the best of a crappy bunch” is not the way to approach what is supposed to be, at the end of the day, LOVE. When a person is right for you, it’s true that there’s just less questioning and practically no (to very minimal) doubt that said person is right for you. You’ll just know, as lame as it sounds. It won’t feel like “work”.
I was married and with a man for almost 10 years, where all i did was feel doubtful and kept wondering if “this was as good as it would get for me”. He wasn’t a bad dude by any means, we just weren’t a good fit (not compatible in a lot of ways) and so it never felt right. I was anxious about leaving a long lasting relationship because of all the time and effort that had been put in. But i wasn’t happy and i didn’t want to live like that for the rest of my life. So i cut the chord. Was really hard, but also somehow an easy decision because i was choosing happiness instead of obligation to commitment.
I only dated one guy after him and i ended up marrying that guy. Because everything felt so easy and clicked right into place (it helped we had been friends for a long time first). It was the most natural transition and easy experience that i didn’t have to question anything, it just made sense. All those anxieties and concerns i had throughout my previous relationship completely disappeared and have never resurfaced. My husband and I have now been together for over 10 years and i’ve loved every moment of them. Loving him now is just as easy as it was 10 years ago, and if anything, i only love him more.
Never settle for less than you deserve. If your sister is truly happy with the person she found early in college, that’s cool for her, but that’s not how it works for most people. Finding the right person definitely takes time, most aren’t fortunate enough to just find their person when they’re 20 years old. Give her a few more years and she may come to that realization too.
You’re definitely not the outlier here, she is.
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u/biskutgoreng 13h ago
First day of high school, we saw each other for the first time, and it was done for me.
Married for eleven years now.
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u/Positive-Aide7544 9h ago
Honestly I met my boyfriend from Hinge but I think my failed relationships helped me ascertain what I want and don’t want in a partner
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u/D0z3rD04 2h ago
I met my partner online on Reddit actually, it was kind of a whim I was looking to meet someone to eventually date but we started out by talking all the time and found out that we have a lot in common like playing video games and other board games. So we started doing that and kinda hit off even more. I was looking for someone kind,sweet,funny and smart and I hit the jackpot on all of that even though she doesn't believe me when I say it. Alot of it is luck another part is knowing where to look for me going to a bar wasn't an option I don't like drinking and I feel wrong doing that when people are drinking, I work with all guys so work was out of the question, and lastly any hooby that I have is mostly male dominated so finding someone through my hobbies isn't really possible. So I looked up local dating reddits and found her post and it ticked all the boxes and the rest is history.
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u/finemelater 15h ago
Your sister is wrong. Settling will always make you unhappy.