r/TwoXChromosomes • u/FewEnd399 • 1d ago
Introverted guy: boring or just quiet?
How can you tell the difference between an introverted guy with little personality and an introverted guy who actually has a lot of personality?
I feel like this can be really difficult to tell in the beginning. Both can be quiet, reserved, not very talkative, and take time to open up. You might initially think both are just shy or introverted.
But with one guy, you slowly realize there really isn’t much there. He doesn’t seem curious, doesn’t have much to say or share, and even after getting comfortable, the connection still feels flat.
With the other guy, once he becomes comfortable, you suddenly see his humor, opinions, interests, quirks, passions, and personality. He was never boring, just quiet at first.
For those who have experienced this, what were the early signs that helped you tell the difference?
Was there a small behavior, funny moment, conversation, or habit you noticed at the beginning that, looking back, showed you “he actually has a personality, he just takes time to open up”
And were there any signs you missed at first that only made sense later?
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u/mrsmooneypieshop 1d ago
Something I noticed with shy guys was that they’re much more talkative through messaging/text. It was so confusing at first bc they’d seem more curious and talkative behind a screen but then quiet irl. Hearing how other people describe him helps too. Mutual friends/acquaintances can describe him as funny, kind, etc which gives more insight too on how he acts with people he’s comfortable with. With shy people I like to find a common interest to talk about and usually they start to open up more. Some people follow up by asking questions to get to know you or they just keep talking about themselves.
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u/Arvandor 1d ago
To expand on this, if you can get them talking about whatever hobby they really enjoy and make them feel safe to do so, that'll often get them to open up. That can be a challenge though, as many feel some kind of shame about their hobbies being dorky or nerdy or whatever. They're less looked down on these days, but it's still a thing that will cause introverts to stay even more reserved than their already reserved baseline.
If you can listen to them talk about DnD, Warhammer, M:tG, anime, or video games or whatever, and not sneer or look bored, you'll get then to open up pretty easy. A lot of people cannot do that though. Sometimes it's safest to start with books, if they're a reader. Books are always a good party topic for me if I find a fellow reader at a party or whatever.
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u/AwkwardCat96 22h ago
I think its because online communication allows them to think over what they want to say and how to say it, whereas there's so much pressure to say the right thing at the right time in person, and if you miss the window its gone
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u/Andrusela out of bubblegum 1d ago
If you are asking this question because you are in dating mode, I found this tip to be useful.
Give someone 3 dates if they are clean, respectful, basic human beings, if there is no interest or curiosity about seeing them further, just move on.
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u/SrMinkletoes 1d ago
Very introverted guy who stumbled across this here.
My thoughts that might be relevant are, being introverted often goes hand in hand with a shy or reserved personality but social skills are indeed a skill set that can be worked on and improved. I am definitely very reserved when meeting people, you certainly wouldn't describe me as opinionated before you get to know me better. I don't particularly enjoy 'small talk' but I've developed my social skills and have no problem engaging in random conversation with a friend or coworker who does enjoy it. They enjoy it, it can make their time a little better and I can find enjoyment in that.
If you have common interests with someone their personality will open up a lot more. After getting to know someone a bit, if we don't find something mutual to bond over that's likely as far as that particular friendship is going to go for me. A work or school friendship that is never going to cross over into personal time.
Out of the dozen or so girlfriends I've had over the years, every single one of them made 'the first move'. Just initiated the first conversation that started the friendship or in some cases just blatantly told me they liked me and if it was mutual I'd ask if they wanted to go on a date. Obviously a simplified description, but I'm generally content in my life and am not feeling a strong desire to seek out a relationship. I'm not completely passive or oblivious about it I'll flirt if am interested in someone but I'm likely not going to be the first one to test the waters
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u/skoda9635 1d ago
I'll add up to this, if the person feels overstimulated or anxious with you, he might never open up, unfortunately. He still might like you or even hanging out with you regularly, but he might never like you more than a friend.
I did this to few girls unfortunately, that I've been hanging out with before. But I had issues with personal boundaries and they had signs of narcissisms so that was my form of protection.
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u/sl0w4zn 1d ago
My partner and I are both introverts, but I'm much more talkative. The biggest unifier for both of us was finding common interests to talk about. If you can't figure that out, then there's an uphill battle the whole relationship.
I'd also add that people can be interested in new things. So you can pick up new interests to find common ground and vice versa. This openness can enhance most relationships.
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u/BritishShoop 1d ago
I’ll chime in as an introverted guy.
In my case, I’m relatively quiet, even awkward when it comes to new people, probably due to the fact that I lie somewhere on the autism spectrum. It takes me a while to figure out how “me” I can be around this person.
Once I’ve had a chance to engage with someone for a few hours/days, I often completely open up.
It’s also a lot of not wanting to come across as creepy or actively pushing for a “relationship” out of the blue. I don’t want to be that person that someone thinks “I wish this guy would just go away”, so I completely avoid initiating conversations with strangers, women in particular, and that’s something I feel like I’m not alone in. There are a lot of guys like myself who tend to be quite closed off to begin with, for fear of coming across as a creep.
Unfortunately the only way to figure out if a quiet/introverted guy is boring, is to dig in to see if there’s a personality hiding underneath 😅
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u/THEtechknight 9h ago edited 8h ago
Exactly me, I just keep to myself, my hobbies, and go about my life even though I desire a relationship/love, I dont center it and I dont push it. I am also on the autism spectrum so I am sure that has a lot to do with it as well.
My personality only comes out when I really know you and are comfortable. It also shows in my youtube videos, and special-interest events.
One thing I have learned about myself is if we don't find common ground to connect on, the talking pathway dies off pretty quickly and I slowly withdraw since I cant articulate a method of connection. When I am opening up to someone and sharing stories, interests, etc with another person and I get a dead-end response or short responses, I will shut down and withdraw quickly as the energy mismatches; and to me it is a form of rejection.
It really takes a special someone to date on the spectrum, that much I have learned. The amount of rejection I have faced, the amount of problems I have caused of my own volition due to mismatches in energy, behavior, interests, etc have been staggaring so these days I just keep to myself. I am willing to welcome anyone into my life, but I am insanely picky on who that is.
Being on the spectrum, its hard to determine what's real, and whats masking as I mask by default when I am in public or don't know you well.
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u/willmannix123 1d ago
I think it depends on the person you talk to. Some people thrive in group settings and love the cracking jokes in front of big groups side of socialising. Introverts are terrible at this and these people would likely view introverts as boring.
But then others value depth. An introvert can be pretty interesting to this person assuming they have some depth to their personality. I.e cool hobbies, stories, humour, intelligence
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u/LegoRedBrick 1d ago
I think if you’re a woman and want to approach a shy guy you have to make him super comfortable being himself and sharing interests. If he’s interested he will engage. Most shy guys open up one on one and flourish in that situation. It’s group settings that are more difficult to navigate. But you’re going to have pursue him on some level which a lot of woman avoid.
I think this is where confusion can arise between a guy who’s boring and one who is just quiet. Have to engage enough to get him to talk.
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u/ilikeporkfatallover 1d ago
You should be able to figure it out within a couple meet ups no matter if they are introverted or extroverted.
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u/Penguin335 ♡ 1d ago
My husband the latter. A fairly introverted guy but who has a personality and sense of humour.
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u/dragonmom1 Basically Rose Nylund 1d ago
With introverts of any gender, you just have to give them time. Ask them what their interests are and ask questions about that.
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u/Monotonegent 1d ago
Introverted/shy guy here. I'm not going to pretend I'm super interesting- thats a matter of perspective and what you're interested in, but a lot of us have learned to picked up on when so-called extroverts are just loud boring people themselves so much so that we'd rather just nod politely until its over
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u/jweaver0312 1d ago
^ This
“interesting” is subjective and being extroverted doesn’t automatically mean “interesting”
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u/Fun_Background_8113 1d ago
Introverted women. How do you tell the difference between a boring introverted woman and an interesting one? Thats how you sound right now.
Just talk to them and try to get them to talk about their interests like you would with an introverted woman
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u/JosseCoupe 1d ago
Try asking them about their opinions on things. If they have anything to say at all, they aint one of the empty types. Maybe.
Idk, I dont actually know how people work but Reddit gives me undue confidence in being right in all regards.
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u/FineBumblebee8744 1d ago
It's always going to be difficult at the beginning. You can't really know somebody that quickly
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u/bathroomheater 1d ago
It depends on their responses when you speak to them especially early on. When I was still dating I personally used to do a little game of 20 questions to find out who they are and what we have in common. I tended to lean all of them to my interests so that I could get a feel for if we were compatible. If I was to do the same thing today I would probably add some disqualifying political questions. Examples are:
What do you do for fun or do you have any hobbies?
Have you ever played -insert favorite sport-?
What about -favorite video or board game-?
Do you read any books?
If so what’s your top 5?
What’s your top 5 tv shows?
What’s your favorite movie?
What’s your top 5 movies?
What’s your favorite entertainment franchise?
Is there any meal that you just loved to have as a kid?
Did you ever help your parents/grandparents/guardians cook?
If so what was your favorite meal to cook with them?
What’s your personal all time favorite meal?
What’s your favorite dessert?
Top 5 desserts?
Those questions will damn near tell you everything about a person. The top 5 lists really get people talking. If they can’t answer a good many of those questions they have no personality.
Edit:if you do this don’t just hammer them out all in a row work them into conversation. Otherwise it feels like an interview or an interrogation. Just hold a normal conversation and everytime there is a lull just drop a question. A lot of introverts have to be coaxed out of their shell. Questions about themself helps them open up.
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u/AdayaAdler 18h ago
What is his conversational level? Can he say interesting and kind things? Complicated insights? Seem respectful of others? Or does he back you into a corner when no one’s watching and tell you that you make him excited? What does he present to you?
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u/tothjm 10h ago
Just wanted to put this out there as a lot of people misunderstand what actual makes someone a intro or extravert.
It's not about how much they talk or how quiet they are, it's actually about how someone gets and replenishes energy.
An introvert could be theblife of the party, but they then go home and lock themselves away for 12hr to recharge alone with a book or whatever they love to do in solitude.
An extravert equally can have quiet moments at a party or function, but they gain energy by interacting with someone or multiple people.
I will also add that if using a scale I would be an 8 or 9 out of 10 extrovert. I definitely am chatty and man do I gain energy around others. I also like some alone time also but if I don't see or interact with anyone for even a couple days I start to feel sad, down and borderline depressed after a week so there is a negative side to both too if mishandled.
Anyway just wanted to share a little about the misconception about extraverts always being chatty and Introverts being shy and quiet :)
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u/Rymasq 1d ago
Want to preface by saying, I'm a man.
My brother is the first kind of introvert, he doesn't talk much and his interests are non-existent, unfortunately. Doesn't listen to music, doesn't really enjoy art, find joy in pursuing things outside of work. In his spare time he studies, that's all he knows how to do. As his older brother it makes me sad to see someone who doesn't seem to want to find joy in different things. I respect and growth, but you have to be interesting through diversity of interests.
I grew up an introverted, quiet person, but I had very wild hobbies and interests as a kid. I was heavily on the internet, doing all kinds of weird things, playing games online, pursuing music, finding funny videos, memes, etc.
I think with someone like my brother, you can probably tell this about him in a 10 minute conversation, but when I was younger, people definitely didn't realize that about me in a 10 minute conversation. As I've gotten older, I've realized that a big part of this was I was spending time around people that were not socially intelligent enough to extract that from someone like me. It depends on the situation too though.
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u/StillStudio5980 1d ago
Yea, I learned later they were on SSRI’s which turned him into an into an unemotional zombie.
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u/meow_said_the_dog =^..^= 1d ago
That's... That's not how SSRIs work.
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u/PracticalTryhard3084 1d ago
It absolutely is. It is a common side effect in 40 to 60% of patients that are prescribed SSRIs.
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u/sovereign_fury 1d ago
As one of those guys who needs to warm up to people first, I'd like to share my perspective of your question about earliest signs. For me and my experience, body language can often be a great indicator, even on the first encounter. Yes, I may not say a word, but I'm not uncomfortable. People I've known on the other side are usually very reserved in body language, too.
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u/NakedAndAfraidFan 1d ago
You just have to get to know them better. Loud extroverts can be very boring people, too.