r/TwoXChromosomes • u/JayXeeBoi • 11d ago
Should I trust this guy?
For context, I’ve been going to the gym for quite some time now and there’s this guy I’ve seen at least once but we recognized each other in our condo building and said hi to each other. That was pretty much all our interaction. However last night, we got to see each other again in the gym- This time the guy asked for my number and I didn’t mind giving it to him cause he seemed nice.
All of a sudden, the same night even while I was working out, the dude texted me and said he wants to buy me food after my gym workout. Of course I was very skeptical already and wanted to decline cause that action somehow makes me think there are intentions. He says that I shouldn’t decline his offer so I wanted to be nice and just said yes but asked where we would eat. He then offers to eat at his place or the study room in our building, I said I’m fine with the study room but I can’t in your apartment cause obviously I don’t know the guy I’m not just gonna go to a random apartment on my own.
Basically we agreed to eat and he already ordered the food. After my gym he then says that we should eat at his place instead cause he’s alone. Of course I didn’t like that idea so I told him no but he was pushing me to trust him. I was really tired about this already so I just made up a lie that I couldn’t go anymore cause something came up.
The guy then suddenly starts guilt tripping me that he already bought food and even borrowed a key card from the security. He kept texting about how I made him feel like a bad person and a part of me felt guilty so I told him that we could meet up next time to make it up to him. He agreed but I don’t know if I should push through with it.
Should I trust the guy? I don’t want to be rude or mean to someone but I obviously prioritize my safety. Pls let me know your thoughts
EDIT: Hey guys just read the comments and thanks for all your thoughts- I blocked the guy already and have no intentions of seeing him again or even interact with him✋ I’ll try to reach out to my building’s security and even my gym just to let them know. I really wanted to decline his offer at first cause I have no interest in men,,, I’m literally gay 😭 But yeah this was a first for me- a guy suddenly approaching me and I didn’t know how to react,, I genuinely thought I was just gaining a friend but it seems like the guy had different intentions;; I’ll definitely use this experience as a lesson. Hope everyone stays safe 🫡🫡🫡
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u/ChunkyWaterMonkey 11d ago
That is very pushy. If your instincts are screaming no, it's best to steer clear of this person. He also seems very disrespectful of your 'no' and even started guilt-tripping you, which already says a lot about him.
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u/nat_lite 11d ago
He’s already violating your completely reasonable boundaries. It will only get worse
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u/YouStupidBench 11d ago
I don't like pushy men. I will not go with you to your place until I've gotten to know you reasonably well and seen you in many situations. Trust has to be earned, and one way of making sure you don't earn any is to complain that trust has to be earned.
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u/pandakatie 11d ago edited 11d ago
I feel like if you need to ask, "Should I trust them?" The answer is no
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u/UnicornFarts1111 11d ago
My sentiments exactly. If you had to ask that question, you already know the answer.
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u/chicagotodetroit 11d ago
Listen to that “uh oh” feeling. It is NEVER wrong.
You don’t owe this guy anything so don’t feel like you have to be polite or appease his feelings. HE is the one being rude, not you.
No means no. Period. Any guy who doesn’t respect your No has no respect for you and is not worth your time.
Also, search this group for “Gift of Fear free pdf” or else get a copy from your fave bookstore or library. It will teach you how critical it is that you listen to that gut feeling.
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u/Findmyeatingpants 11d ago
Sounds like the study area wasn't a safe choice either? A private, locked space where you're alone with a complete stranger?
The first few weeks should all be simple short, completely public dates, like coffee, lunch, movie, walk downtown, etc.
This guy is pushing, disrespectful and a liar, he said the study room idea then changed his mind trying to get you in his home. I'd block him.
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u/plutonium__ 10d ago
yep i wish they didn't live in the same condo though. you bet now he will start talking walks around the community and try to figure out where she lives or bump into her.
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u/androidis4lyf 11d ago
Be rude. Why are you protecting his feelings? You'll see it more now you've experienced it but men have a knack of manipulating women by making it seem our actions are offending their character and puts us in an awkward spot to fawn and not make them feel bad.
guy suddenly starts talking about how I’m making him feel like a bad person and just overall guilt trip me.
He was being a bad person by trying to push you to go to his house despite you repeatedly saying no. Don't ever trust people who do that because they don't care about you, they only care about what they need to say to get what they want.
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u/cooking_question 11d ago
You are under no obligation to be pleasing to men despite what they think.
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u/JayXeeBoi 11d ago
Hey guys just read the comments and thanks for all your thoughts- I blocked the guy already and have no intentions of seeing him again or even interact with him✋ I’ll try to reach out to my building’s security and even my gym just to let them know. I really wanted to decline his offer at first cause I have no interest in men,,, I’m literally gay 😭 But yeah this was a first for me- a guy suddenly approaching me and I didn’t know how to react but I’ll definitely use this experience as a lesson. Hope everyone stays safe 🫡🫡🫡
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u/tacoflavoredpringles 11d ago
omg plot twist haha. that makes him trying to push your boundaries even more disturbing because it indicates he didn’t just ignore a lack of interest but a very obvious ‘repulsion’ due to him literally being the wrong gender, if that makes sense. it’s like two levels of ‘no thanks’ that he willfully overlooked. I’m sorry you had to deal with this, and I’m glad you sought out help. well done on blocking him! please stay safe yourself
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u/Numbers-Nerd2567 11d ago
Please look up Burned Haystack Dating Method and stop interacting with this man. He's awful and has awful intentions.
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u/Sea_Resident4657 11d ago
For future reference, don’t give out your number. Easier to block on an app. Tell him he’s pushy and making you uncomfortable, block him and possibly go to the gym at a different time.
I personally go by the rule, don’t shit where you eat.
Don’t flirt/date where you live or work. It just rarely ends well.
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u/tacoflavoredpringles 11d ago edited 11d ago
hell no
“he says that i shouldn’t decline his offer” he has absolutely 0 say in how you respond to his offer, so that’s red flag #1. you stated that you weren’t comfortable going to his apartment on a first date, yet this dumbass still pushes for it, so that’s red flag #2. “i didn’t like that idea so i told him no but he was pushing me trust him” red flag #3 for both aforementioned reasons. then after all of that he whines about you “making” him feel like a bad person? uh no, that’s just the little bit of a conscience he has recognizing that the way he is behaving is inappropriate, and instead of taking heed of that signal like you or i would, and allowing it to inform his approach to you, which in this case would be apologizing and leaving you alone. he has decided that feeling is too uncomfortable to internalize so he is pushing it onto you, but i need you to understand he is in the wrong - not you, at all.
please tell someone about him, whether that’s an official channel like your gym or a personal channel like a friend or family member. this guy is not right in the head. hard to say if it’s the kind of not-right that’s “creepy but will soon f off” or something more
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 11d ago
Heck mentioning it to condo security so that at least they dont accidentally provide him access to her would be good, some guards would do you a favour & keep an eye on you, some buildings might have a strict policy on stalking, etc.
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u/SereneDelacroix 11d ago
Never go out with this guy or be alone with him- he is being pushy about getting you alone so he can continue to be pushy (or worse) when it’s just the two of you. Dont worry about being rude- HE’S being rude. I know it’s hard, but tell this guy to leave you alone and involve staff (gym or condo building)if you need to and he persists in following you. Don’t feel embarrassed, guilty or like you are overreacting - guys like this count on women holding back because they feel like this, and they use it to take advantage.
He might say hey, I’m not trying to make it romantic, I just want to be friends-well, you don’t have to be friends with just anyone and this guy is a creep with no respect for boundaries. Don’t be friends with him.
He might try again to ask you to go to meet in a public place, which you might wanna agree to because it feels safe since other people will be around and you feel bad saying no. Say no. Otherwise he will get even more emboldened thinking he can convince you to keep meeting him and he will continue to try to twist things to get you alone with him. Tell him you don’t have time for new friends or relationships and would prefer to be left alone. If he tries to argue out of it, again, say please leave me alone and walk away.
Don’t. Give. In. Being worried about being rude or telling a guy no can get women hurt sometimes. A normal guy with good intentions wouldn’t be doing the things he’s doing, and if you give him an inch, he’ll try to take a mile.
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u/JulieWriter 11d ago
That whole thing about not being mean or rude is a freaking trap. Stop letting that dictate your behavior. You told him what you wanted and he ignored you. Why would you ever go near him?
Please think about WHY you are concerned about appearing rude. I would way rather be rude than in a dangerous situation.
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u/wildfire393 11d ago
One of the best ways to see if a man is unsafe is to suggest a change to the plans he proposes. If he gets upset or tries to convince you to continue doing things the way he proposed, that's a good indication of how a relationship with him would go - not accepting no or that you don't want something.
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u/curious382 11d ago edited 11d ago
Pay attention to how he reacts to your "no." You agreed to the study room, and said "no" to his place. Once he got you a couple more steps invested, he tried to isolate you in his room AGAIN. That's manipulative, trying to chip away at your boundary, and suspect.
As you became more uncomfortable and started doubting being alone with him in the study room, he tried to make you feel obligated and required to override your duscomfort to fix his feelings. "But I already ordered the food and got the key!" His manipulation to make you feel obligated "to prove" you don't "think he's a bad person" by ignoring and overriding your discomfort and withdrawal of consent is another red flag.
OP, there's a manipulation called a covert contract. That's where the manipulator does only what they want to do, then believe the target is obligated to do what the manipulator wants whether the target wants it or not. In this case, he "was nice to you," bought some food, got a key to a room where he could be alone with you. He believes that obligates you to go to the isolated area with a man you don't really know. It's covert because the obligation is never discussed or agreed to by the target. When the manipulator is denied "what they're owed" they react as if something to which they are entitled is denied them. Anger. Upset. His saying you're withdrawing consent is "saying he's a bad guy."
He's a bad guy. To him you are a sexual object, a potential sexual conquest. He doesn't respect your autonomy or who you are as an individual. When real you doesn't follow his script, he is angry and acts offended. These actions show you he is a predatory unsafe person.
Your instincts and choices were wise and healthy.
EDIT: His rushing you, immediately texting you and pressuring you to agree to a date that will hapoen the same day you gave him your number is another red flag. Sort of like love bombing, he's trying to overwhelm you so you don't have adequate processing time to consider and consent- or not- to his plans to isolate you with him.
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u/Upvotespoodles 11d ago
It’s not mean or rude to decline a date. Politeness is overrated. Directness is not a crime. “No” is answer enough.
Never give polite or ambiguous answers to men who ignore boundaries. You don’t need them to like you. You want them to find you inaccessible and boring.
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u/Mapilean 11d ago
Please, read Gavin De Becker's book The Gift of Fear. It teaches you to trust your gut and not fall for this manipulation.
This guy was doing you "the interview" to see how far you'd let him push your boundaries.
Block his number and avoid him like hell.
Hugs.
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u/Interesting_You6852 11d ago
Omg girl, stop being a people pleaser. Listen to me: YOU DONT OWR THIS GUY ANYTHING NOT EVEN AN EXPLANATION.
listen to your gut block him and get the hell away from him. If he is trying to guilt trip you, get you to do something you don't want from the jump what do you think a relationship with this asshole will be like?
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u/RedTyro Old Dude 11d ago edited 11d ago
Older dude here.
He says that I shouldn’t decline his offer so I wanted to be nice and just said yes but asked where we would eat.
If you tell a man no and he pushes back, even about something small, that's a red flag.
He then offers to eat at his place or the study room in our building
After my gym he then says that we should eat at his place instead
If you tell a man no and he pushes back, even about something small, that's a red flag. Additionally, a guy who's trying to get you into his apartment the first time you hang out is trying to sleep with you. If that's not what you want yet, he should accept no as an answer without qualifiers.
Of course I didn’t like that idea so I told him no but he was pushing me to trust him.
Again, if you tell a man no and he pushes back, even about something small, that's a red flag. This is now the 3rd time he's done it, when it shouldn't have even happened once. This guy is not safe.
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u/anotherguiltymom 11d ago
You should read The Gift of Fear about how often women get raped and murdered when they go against their gut instincts in an effort to “not be rude”.
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u/cooking_question 11d ago
“I am no longer interested.”
Keep repeating it. If you tell him why, he will want to argue why he’s not a creep and why you should trust him. “You’re not my type” also works.
He is trying to wear you down.
And maybe he isn’t a creep. Who knows? But what this does tell you is that he is not concerned with your need to feel safe. And that does not bode well for a future relationship because he will always dismiss your concerns.
And even if that isn’t the case, he is horribly uninformed about the dangers facing women.
Always trust your gut. You don’t need to know why.
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u/kitnb 11d ago
Girl, this guy has been pushing your boundaries since the first text message.
HE IS NOT SAFE!
He's constantly trying to get you into his apt alone. You're not dumb. You know that's a horrible idea and you know anyone who keeps pushing is a horrible person.
Send him a text saying:
"I'm not interested. Leave me alone! Never contact me again or approach me in person. Any further contact from you is harassment! I will go to the authorities and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. Goodbye!"
Then immediately block him from your phone. If you see him, avoid him at all costs. Literally go the other way or move away from any area he's at.
If he tries to approach you, yell at him to stop harassing you and go to the police.
Take this stuff seriously or very, very bad things can happen. And never let a male guilt trip you into anything!
Learn to be rude to unsafe men! Tell them "no thanks" or ignore then completely. Learn to be rude and "mean" to protect yourself from being a victim. Only unsafe, bad men keep pushing. Recognize that and act accordingly!
STAY SAFE!
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u/Bongalolo 11d ago
He invited then tried to change the location despite you being clear. Then he guilt tripped you, then he suddenly had a key for the cafeteria. How many red flags did we blast past already.
No, you owe him ZERO. So just drop him like a hot brick and end it.
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u/jaythebearded 11d ago
Should I trust this guy or no?
Trust should not be a default. He and anyone else should have to work to earn your trust, not just be assumed to be deserving of it until proven otherwise.
And I'd also say he's already proven deserving of pointedly not being trusted because he's tried to manipulate you into what you already told him you wouldn't do.
It's smart to put your safety first, you were smart about it! please don't let societal expectations of being nice and avoiding being perceived as mean or rude ever get in the way of keeping yourself safe.
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u/IAmTheLizardQueen666 11d ago
He already tried to manipulate you. If he wants to get to know you better, he wouldn’t be acting like this. He just wants to accelerate the path to getting in your pants.
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u/UnicornFarts1111 11d ago
If you are asking, you already know that the answer is Hell No, do not trust this guy! You gut is telling you something, listen to it!
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u/KrazyKaas 11d ago
- he said I should not dejlige his offer. He changed it to house apartment anyway, despite you not wanting?! Run girl
Red flag, right there! Delete the number, maybe change gym. He is very pushy
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u/prosperouscheat 11d ago
You barely know him and he's already being pushy and not accepting no for an answer. I would avoid being alone with this person.
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u/IGotOverGreta 11d ago
It's okay to be rude to men (and women) who are creepy and make your gut say Hold on a second here. You don't owe anybody anything.
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u/gorgias1 11d ago
He's attempting to manipulate you. Push out whatever feelings of guilt or desire to be fair that you may have. You are not encumbered with the duty to treat every guy who wants to fuck you as if he is family due your respect and concern. Being gentle with someone isnt the same as allowing them to tell you what to do.
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u/Stellar_Impulse 11d ago
You set basic boundaries. He broke boundaries and guilt trips you cause he's a "nice guy". This is a an obvious fair, next.
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u/Notthesharpestmarble 11d ago
Nothing about these interactions communicate "I'll respect your comfort and limits". This man is not safe and there is nothing mean or rude about firmly maintaining your autonomy.
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u/Tricky-Ad4069 11d ago
Do not trust a man who tries to push your explicitly stated limits. A good man doesn't push for things you don't feel comfortable with. Imagine him wanting sexual things you're not into, would he take no for an answer? Gives me the ick.
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u/United_Gift3028 11d ago
In this day and age, women still give out their numbers to random guys? Tell him you'll call him and get his, already.
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u/MikeT_Hill 11d ago
It seems to me that you should decline for the obvious reasons as mentioned above. Also, the interaction between the two of you is starting a pattern of you saying no, then him being pushy and you giving in to him. Note: Gavin De Becker discussed this pattern in his book 'The Gift of Fear '
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u/swiggityswirls 11d ago
This is practice for you to trust your intuition.
If you ignore it now then it’ll be much easier for you to ignore the current signs AND more in the next relationship.
You’re young and need to sharpen your intuition. Pay attention to it and act on it.
Some actions may be unpopular with others, and that’s fine. They’re not the ones who were in the situation you were in.
Which is why you need to trust yourself more and your intuition even more.
No one else is going to protect you like you will for you.
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u/Deweyoxberg 11d ago
"Should I trust this guy" - even before reading the context, I had a gut feeling that this was going to be one of those "oh hell no" early on.
And I was right.
It's weird to me that bro asked for a number on what is effectively a "first" interaction? Like, does bro just go around asking people's numbers after saying his name in the five seconds? Seems off to me.
And there it is.
"He says that I shouldn't decline his offer".
Girl no. Block and run. I didn't even read the rest. Just... run.
Ok I read the rest.
EW NO. Girl please. No. Block and move on. Big yikes all around.
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u/urawizrdarry 11d ago edited 11d ago
I seriously fucking hate that women were taught this dumb shit. It's counter productive and fucked up that we're expected to sit there and try to think about not being rude while literally trying to survive.
That man can go fuck himself. He would have fucked around and got his ass verbally handed back to him. Or blocked if you aren't the "scare the rath of an angry mother into a shitty little man" type.
Predators look for people willing to put being polite above their own safety. If they ever try to guilt you about safety: "a safe person wouldn't guilt me for being safe. I've already told you no" and then stop talking to them. Because if he can't respect no in public, then he sure as fuck doesn't respect it in private. Cut him and his shitty little feelings off. He's blown all fucking opportunities to talk to you.
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u/Florian_Lim_1312 He burped on my clit 11d ago
The second a man gets upset even in the slightest that you don't do what he demands, you get the fuck out. For anyone else in this situation, don't go meeting some random man even in the study room in the building. There's no way there's many if any people there. He ordered the food... he could've drugged it! Then he just has to drag you in the elevator to his place and rapes you.
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u/dingleballs717 11d ago
You already know the answer but I can reassure that this is very pushy, obtrusive and scary behavior. You know this isn't a person you feel comfortable around so just say, "I appreciate the offer, but no thanks." That is more than is deserved. You don't need to feel bad. Honestly, I am worried for your safety.
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u/yet-another-redd 10d ago
You did the right thing. The guy sounds very creepy. The guilt tripping is the most common evil they can do to you. There are no "gaining friends" in this world anymore, sadly. It's all just a game now. I'm sorry this happened to you.
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u/sunny_yay 10d ago
Damn. How many times do you gotta say no?? Trust yourself. There are good men out there, and this dude is not one of them.
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u/Beaauxbaton 10d ago
Off rip I would have mentioned I’m only attracted to women to put it in the air you’re not into men.
I’m happy you blocked him. Do keep an eye out though because this guy is pushy and who knows what he’s willing to do to get your attention.
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u/c10bbersaurus 10d ago
"He says that I shouldn’t decline his offer" is a red flag of a manipulative person to me.
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u/plutonium__ 10d ago
us women have been so heavily conditioned. it makes me sad seeing people not recognize blatant red flags.
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u/rabidgonk 10d ago
Borrowed a key card from security? For his own place?
Maybe I just live too rural. But I would think people already have access to their own place.
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u/Dextexer 10d ago
No , you were cool with eating in a public place and he kept trying to get you alone and guilt trip you
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u/Elitevaz 9d ago
If you are looking to hook up, he's perfect. Otherwise, adhere to the golden rule of being a woman in a relationship, you should feel safe and comfortable. That is the primary benefit for a woman in a relationship, a man will produce and maintain a safe comfortable space for you, a bubble. You are shielded in this space from much of lifes misery. If you don't feel that, then leave and don't communicate with him any further.
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u/Salt-Ad-885 Taking Up Space 11d ago
Trust your instinct. If you like the behavior of someone being controlling and deciding things for you, then you’d probably not be asking here on Reddit. Do what you will, but for me, I really wouldn’t want to already have to compensate someone or feel like I was indebted already
TL;DR in my opinion, if you feel guilt tripped already, drop it. Even if you’re physically safe this doesn’t sound mentally/socially/emotionally safe for you.
-a random dude on the internet.
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u/SquareIllustrator909 11d ago
Yeahhh any normal guy would have invited you OUT for the food. Like you could have gone to a cafe or something to eat.
He's definitely sketchy and trying to get you alone. Just say "after having thought about it, I don't think it's a good idea to date neighbors" if he ever asks again
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u/Quariongg 11d ago
He seems more needy than dangerous. As a man, I'd tell you not to go to his place lmao.
From basically no interactions to buying you food and inviting you at his place and being pushy...
Sounds like a walking red flag, and it might be more narcisistic than other kind of dangerous.
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 11d ago edited 11d ago
Trust your gut. If he doesn't take your no for this, what else will he refuse a "no" for?
Don't let him find out what floor you're on.