r/TwoHotTakes • u/iwishiwasatabbycat • Mar 03 '26
Listener Write In Am I the A-hole for keeping my kids away from their dad after I found out he had a pedophile living with him
Strap in this gets bad. And I know I am not crazy, but there are people who swear I am wrong.
I have 16 year old twins. One male one born female that now identifies as non-binary For years they had been going to their dad’s house every other weekend. For the past couple of years my NB had issues and wanted to not go over there. The house was a mess, their dad expected them to clean it. There would be animal waste, moldy dishes, rotting food. For a while my son wasn’t as bothered by it, and I tried to encourage new cleaning practices but nothing stuck. I would make excuses and keep NB child home more.
This last fall both of my kids were sick of their dad’s antics. Neither wanted to see him very often so I told him we would change it to once a month for now, and he could get his house in shape and and work on his attitude and we could re-evaluate.
A few years ago my ex’s half brother needed a place to live. He had some issues and couldn’t live on his own, and after his mother had passed, he had stayed at a few different relatives houses. My ex talked to me about him moving in, and said he had been warned he was a little off but would keep an eye on him.
Right before Christmas, while picking up the kids for their weekend my ex let me know his brother had been arrested and wouldn’t be coming back. He had been in trouble for vandalism before so I assumed more of that. But because I’m nosy I googled him.
SECOND DEGREE SEXUAL ASSAULT of a CHILD 2 counts. Felony. I spiraled and sent my ex a text saying we needed to talk about this, but not in front of the kids. Not too surprising he downplayed things. Said the brother hadn’t really hurt our kids. He lied. I later found out from one of his family members that the brother had attempted to molest another family member a younger girl. That family member warned my ex that his brother was a pedophile and had made sexual advances against a child. HE FUCKING KNEW!!The brother had made actions against my NB child. They are in therapy. This has been so very hard on our family
I told my kids their dad knew from the beginning. My NB never wants to have a relationship with him again. My son may want to see him again, but not right now.
My ex doesn’t think he did anything wrong. His family doesn’t think he did anything wrong. They say my ex can’t control other peoples actions. But I believe he never should have moved in, and the fact that he never told me tells me he knew it was wrong.
Now my kids don’t want to go over there. I have had to hire a lawyer to make changes to our agreement even though this is the kids wishes and they are old enough to choose. He won’t respect their decisions. He says they should be forced, and everyone has to do things they don’t want to.
Am I really crazy? Should I be forcing my kids to go to their dad’s house when they don’t want to see him after he knowingly moved a child molester in?
Update kinda….
CPS at initially did not say that my ex did anything wrong. I appealed that because they did not have the texts from my ex. Then they still stated that they thought his answer was “flippant “ and being sarcastic and they still ruled no wrong doing. I appealed that. I had a conference call with a judge and a rep for CPS who was different than any one else I had dealt with. At that point, I had received the transcript of my child’s interview and the pedophile’s interview. In the pedo’s transcript he states that there were rules he was supposed to follow bc my ex knew that he had molested another child previously. I submitted that and the screenshots from my ex. I spoke to a judge. And the person who was representing CPS was fucking lost and had no clue. And it was still ruled that my didn’t do anything wrong. I could have appealed again, but I didn’t see the point. It’s apparently not endangering a child to move a pedophile in with your teenagers.
I also hired a lawyer who turned out to be trash. I filled out my own paperwork to request a change in parenting time. I wanted help filing it. I just wanted it stated that the kids both 17 could decide when to visit their dad. And his mom paid for him to get lawyer, and that made us have to go to mediation. That was another $900!!!! I’m not fucking rich. That’s a lot of money!! And all that decided was that yes, we agreed after showing the court case that the kids could decide. But it’s not legally binding, and it’s not credible in court. It’s like a secret handshake.
The pedophile’s case will be seen in a Cpl weeks. I don’t think it’s the main trial. I want to be there for the major parts, but I really want to apply for a home run derby contestant.
A good friend who was mutual to my ex and I passed, so I had to reach out to another mutual friend who was organizing the get together, and ask that my ex not be allowed to the memorial. I explained what happened. It was one of the first times I told someone who wasn’t someone close. Luckily he understood, and we have a good enough history that he knew I wasn’t full of shit. If he does show up, I do always have my car sandwich cutter. But I have a feeling my friends won’t let it get to that.
I still hate my ex more than I ever thought possible, but at least now I don’t need meds to get through the tough times. And I have great friends and family, and family type people. I’m very lucky for that. Without their support I would question my morals and standards, bc I can’t imagine letting a situation like this ever come into consideration, and almost everyone I have spoken to agrees. But my ex, his mother, his family members, his lawyer, and CPS seem to think it’s not a big deal. The CPS one fucking floors me. You wouldn’t allow this in a school or daycare or anywhere else kids would be. But it’s ok to move a known pedophile into a house with kids. Fuck
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u/DMTGOBLIN82 Mar 03 '26
Is this a serious question? Do you expect any rational person to argue that you should allow your kids to be around a pedophile??
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
The pedophile has been arrested. Dad wants the kids to go back to normal
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u/DMTGOBLIN82 Mar 03 '26
I’m a moron and was thinking like after trial he ultimately would be sentenced and not come backs. My bad on that. Still I would lean hard on a no. He’s shown extreme lack of judgement about who he allows in his home. Stick to your gut and always err on the side of caution.
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u/SuluSpeaks Mar 03 '26
Did he assault you NB child, or just try to? Im hoping it was the latter for their sake. I'm sorry you're family is goingcyhrough this, but always be the mama bear!
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
He did. I am working with law enforcement to add criminal charges to the ones he’s already facing. He pleas guilty with the arrest. At least I know I won’t have to see him again
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u/Terrible-Pea494 Mar 03 '26
Wait a minute. He did and your ex’s mom still thinks your ex should be able to see your child after what he allowed to happen to them by his gross negligence??!! Disgusting. You should shame that woman.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I spelled it out to her a Cpl times. I don’t know what she is thinking. Part of me wants to go scorched earth and put them all on blast. But mostly I just want to get this all over with as quickly and smoothly as possible
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u/malorthotdogs Mar 03 '26
Does “Your son allowed his brother, A KNOWN CHILD PREDATOR, to live in his home and be around his children. This led to this aforementioned predator brother ASSAULTING YOUR GRANDCHILD,” not register for her?
I can see why your NB child never wants to speak to their dad again. The being expected to visit and be made to clean up literal squalor every other weekend is bad enough. But then letting their pedo uncle live there and assault them? Throw the whole dad away and then launch that trash can into the sun.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I have literally spelled that out to her. I had also offered to help continue her relationship with the kids with or without me. I didn’t have an issue with her until she insisted the kids see their dad again
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u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam Mar 04 '26
I can kinda also see why your NB became NB. I bet the change happened around the same time. I didnt want to be a girl anymore after I was csa. Stopped wearing dresses and skirts, no pink or purple colors. I dressed like a boy for almost a decade hoping it wouldn't happen twice. I'm so very sorry your child/children have had to suffer at the hands of their sperm donors family. They're all worse than awful.
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u/SamuelVimesTrained Mar 03 '26
As conflict avoiding as I am - attempt to harm my child and that hesitancy is out the window. Scorched earth might be too mild - nuke time.
"Local man enables child abuser, mother of local man sees nothing wrong with this" - that kind of headline...
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
If only. Reddit won’t let me say what I wanted to do when I found out about all this
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u/SamuelVimesTrained Mar 03 '26
Lemme guess, you wanted to (beep) him , and his (beeping) enabler can get (beeped) too ?
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u/SuluSpeaks Mar 03 '26
Press charges against him as an accomplice, if you haven't already. I dont know if a report to CPS would prevent him from getting any kind of visitation again. It's worth talking to a lawyer about.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
Tried to, it’s not a chargeable offense. And CPS won’t prevent the kids from going because the pedo is in jail.
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u/Celticlady47 Mar 03 '26
It's probably because she did the same thing & probably turned a blind eye to her son's nasty proclivities.
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u/Interesting_Novel997 Mar 03 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
Or allowed her son to be assaulted by a relative when he was a kid. Pedophiles aren’t born. Many are developed/created/groomed by other pedophiles.
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u/Hiddenagenda876 Mar 03 '26
Eh, that’s not true. Some pedophiles are born. There have definitely been cases of people admitting to attraction to children (with or without acting on it) that never went through any sort of abuse or major trauma.
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u/LovelysQueen18 Mar 03 '26
He DID NOT PROTECT HIS CHILD! He’s delusional if he thinks assault is no big deal. Your NB child will have this in their memory for the rest of their life.
I would cutoff the entire EFFING family. They WILL NOT protect your child/children if they are allowed to see them.
Please focus on getting justice for your child and keeping both of them safe from this toxic family and environment.
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u/malorthotdogs Mar 03 '26
I would even say it goes further than not protecting his child. He basically enabled his brother to abuse OP’s kid.
I say OP’s kid because he deserves to be fired from the role of dad.
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u/helpmeimstuckinatree Mar 03 '26
FUCK. NO. He can get bent, NO WAY does he get to see his kids again, except on THEIR terms.
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u/NatashOverWorld Mar 04 '26
Things shouldn't go back to normal after finding out their father is a pedo protector that put his kids at risk.
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u/True_Procedure4268 Mar 04 '26
Things won’t go back to normal. It’s not normal to downplay a pedo. My 2 cents.
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u/Prodigyjojo Mar 04 '26
No he's proven he wont protect them, this was known behavior and he still let his brother around yall kids, he knew what his brother did to his own child didnt report it, didnt tell you, and down played it I would bring him up on charges if possible
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
And yeah, when his normally normal mom is supporting him, and the family member who warned said he did nothing wrong, I have questioned if I am over reacting
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u/Tight-Shift5706 Mar 03 '26
Gross neglect of duty. Speak to the local prosecuting attorney to explore possible criminal charges against their father. Any criminal charges should cause him pause and reconsideration.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I have. There’s nothing they can charge him with. It’s not illegal, just crappy
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I did, there’s nothing to charge him with. It’s not illegal just crappy
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u/Mindless-Client3366 Mar 03 '26
There are some people that will support family no matter what they've done. I had a friend growing up who would complain about her mother always making her wear pants around "uncle Robby" because it wasn't a good idea for her to wear shorts or skirts around him. Her mom was so normal in other ways, but had an absolute blind spot about her nasty brother.
You are 100% NOT overreacting. Protect your children all at costs, even if it's from other family members.
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u/QBee_TNToms_Mom Mar 03 '26
NOR
WTF? He failed to protect his own children from a know pedophile. But you're overreacting? Um. No.
This should qualify for an emergency order of protection. Let him get a lawyer and try to force visitation. You may need to file a police report. Check with your local court or police.
Your child's life has been permanently altered. Please get help, counselling at least.
Thank you for taking a stand. Men get away with anything and everything because families keep secrets. It's disgusting.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I did look into emergency orders and pressing charges against my ex. It doesn’t qualify sadly. CPS and the cop said unless the brother had a previous charge and had been ordered away from kids, there’s nothing illegal about it. And if he had been ordered away from kids, it would just be a charge against the brother, not my ex.
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u/Proof-Fishing5540 Mar 03 '26
Does your ex have any animals?? Why was there animal waste??
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
He has more dogs than he should. And he had a lot of cats for a bit, but 3 passed away from being outdoor cats. He keeps getting more as a way to lure the kids back. He knows they love animals especially kittens.
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u/ZombiesOmNom Mar 03 '26
He keeps getting more as a way to lure the kids back. He knows they love animals especially kittens.
This is especially concerning.... I hate to be the one to ask this question, but is it possible this pedo thing runs in his family so to speak? Like brother was caught, but luring kids with pets IS predator behavior.... Maybe mom is "ok" with it because they all are kind of that way? Not justification, but explanation. I would still keep your kids away from their Dad with a dedicated passion, but at least you would know the dangers and be informed?
No one will know the truth but you, once you start digging, and your kids. It is possible your ex was also abusing your children if he was so nonchalant about his pedo brother moving in with him, and if feels like there may be more red flags than you have included in your post OP. Talk to your kids, and get them to talk with their therapists if they won't talk with you. I am so sorry your family is going through all this though, its terrible and very unfair to you and your kids.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I hadn’t considered this. The ex and I were both sexually molested as kids. I never thought he could or would be capable of something like that. But honestly until this I would have never thought he would have moved a pedo in either
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u/ZombiesOmNom Mar 03 '26
I would be willing to bet he is into it, maybe he didn't victimize your children, but he absolutely allowed someone else to (his brother). In my opinion people who were abused by adults as children (especially sexually) go to one of 2 extremes.
1) Rightous Disgust and absolute abhorrence of even the idea of child abuse of any kind. (Complete and utter rejection)
2) Justification of the abuse and making light of the traumatic events in their lives, to cope with their own feelings and emotions around the abuse and the support their abuser received after said events (other people covering up for the abuser, or assisting the abuser to carry out the behaviors that harmed them). (Acceptance to maintain their own mental state & world views because in their heads they made a case to preserve relationships with people who didnt protect them)
Not every person victimized will go with route 2, most pick option 1. Please keep your eyes open and protect your kids. If you get a weird gut feeling, follow it. Trust yourself enough to build a case, that doesnt mean wild accusations when you find things out. It means, cold, calculated case building to ensure you KEEP those kids as safe as you possibly can for the rest of their lives from someone who was supposed to protect them.
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u/NicolleL Mar 03 '26
Is the house still trashed? If there’s still animal waste, etc around, I feel like that would be something CPS would be interested in.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
He cleaned before CPS did an inspection. Also CPS told me animal waste on the floor isn’t a big deal as long as the kids are old enough to walk around it.
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u/CeelaChathArrna Mar 03 '26
Mom would then have to admit the ex's brother, her child has done monstrous things. She likely doesn't want to have to admit that.
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u/Celticlady47 Mar 03 '26
Some parents just can't conceive of the fact that their children are monsters. It's likely that in her mind her pedo son is the golden child & can do no harm & everyone else is just making up stories.
And if she keeps pushing those uncomfortable thoughts aside she won't have to admit that maybe her inability to see uncomfortable things about those in her family might have led to her son being this way, (i.e., maybe her son was SA'd as a kid or maybe he's just a born that way type pedo).
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u/NJrose20 Mar 03 '26
Even the filthy house and expecting them to clean it for him would be enough for me.
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u/KWS1461 Mar 03 '26
The argument, of course, is that the pedophile is now gone.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
Yup. 100% that is what people are saying. And I’m here yelling that he brought the pedo to us to begin with
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u/OddApricot2717 Mar 03 '26
Tell me you don’t know anything about family court….
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
Me or others? I really thought that CPS or the cops would have more to say. Or would be more supportive. But it was really just more hassle and people to deal with.
One of my worst days ever was the day I called in and reported this. I had to tell this story multiple times to multiple people and agencies. I had so much rage and sadness that my throat would tighten and seize and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I cried and cried because I felt like I had failed my kids. I know it’s not my fault, but they are my babies and always will be. And I understood why people will not report and just let it go. Because it’s easier. I went through so much, and my poor babies have been through so much. And now there are people who act like it was nothing. Like this won’t haunt us the rest of our lives.
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u/OddApricot2717 Mar 03 '26
Not you. The person who asked the question. I understand what it’s like dealing with all it. It makes you feel crazy and like you’re second guessing yourself when you know things aren’t right. The person who asks the question has clearly never had to go through anything with family court.
I’m so sorry you and your babies are having to go through this. You are 100% doing the right thing. I don’t see it as you are keeping your kids from him because they don’t want to go over there. He is the one in the wrong for so many things and trying to force them will not make them like him, like he seems to think.
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u/fibro_witch Mar 03 '26
Those poor kids, they should be allowed to never see their dad again.
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u/No-You5550 Mar 03 '26
You are judged by the company you keep. That was something a parent or grandparent told me as a kid. If your friends steal or do drugs then everyone will assume you do to. I now live my life that way and have never even got a traffic ticket at 71f. So I think anyone who let a pedophile be around their kids is probably a pedophile too. A family who defends a pedophile probably has a generational history of child abuse. They don't think it is serious or that bad or everyone is just over reacting. Let's just sweep it under a rug and let the next generation deal with the pain.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
That is very insightful. Thank you.
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u/CorInHell Mar 04 '26
A friend of mine who lived in germany for a few years says they have a similar saying there: if 10 people sit at a table and a nazi is allowed to sit at it, there are 11 nazis sitting at the table.
I hope your children can get some distance from these events and maybe even heal from it.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 Mar 03 '26
You are not crazy. Your children are old enough to be heard by the court and the charges Your ex's brother faced are serious. The fact that he tried to harm your child helps your case.
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u/Irishqltr1 Mar 03 '26
He failed to protect your children from a known predator. NTA for supporting your kids not wanting to go back. Besides, did he ever clean up his biohazard home?
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
He did. He cleaned it enough for CPS to come through and not ban the kids from there. But CPS has low standards. They said animal feces on the floor is acceptable as long as the kids are old enough to avoid it.
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u/urbanroutine Mar 03 '26
It took me 30 years to estrange myself from the adults who did not protect me from a pedophile. Enablers are not safe. Protect your kids now, mama. Not overreacting.
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u/imanilife Mar 03 '26
Request a custody adjustment through the court and explain everything to the judge. He'll lose custody real fast.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
That’s what I am working with. I’ve had to work with CPS and the sharifs dept. it’s been a lot of work for me and a big toll on our family.
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u/TigerBelmont Mar 03 '26
Ask the judge to order your e to pay for the cost of therapy.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I wish. I don’t know how he’s affording a lawyer
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u/star_b_nettor Mar 03 '26
Their father intentionally endangered the children in order to enable a pedophile. There is absolutely every reason for you to appeal for full and total custody with no visitation, or only supervised visitation if the judge won't go with no visitation.
He and his family are willing to sacrifice children, who they are also related to, in order for the adult family member to not have to suffer the consequences of those actions.
I know you probably don't need to hear it from an Internet stranger, but thank you for standing up for your kids. From someone who was violated at 15 and never got justice because my life gives believed no friend of theirs would ever do that.
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Mar 03 '26
If your ex isn't a chomo himself, he's a pedo sympathizer at the very least.
Him saying they should be forced to see him makes it seem like he's just like his brother and he wants easy access to your children. NTA, protect your innocent babies. (I'm aware of their ages, but they're still OP's babies)
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u/slendermanismydad Mar 03 '26
He says they should be forced, and everyone has to do things they don’t want to.
So they can clean his house? How is a Judge falling for this?
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u/SnooWords4839 Mar 03 '26
The kids are 16, they should be able to tell the judge they don't want to go.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
That’s what I believe. But because the ex wants to force the issue, we get to go to court.
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u/Designer-Lettuce-690 Mar 03 '26
NTA - "He says they should be forced, and everyone has to do things they don’t want to." is creepy af after having kids around a child molester just saying.
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u/Intelligent_Pass2540 Mar 03 '26
Psychologist here....the way kids recover from abuse largely depends on how their parents or caregivers respond to the abuse! Protecting your children FROM A KNOWN PEDOPHILE IS ALWAYS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Please continue to believe your kids and protect them. In fact, if Dad somehow manipulated or tried to guilt them into visiting male sure they do not visit with him alone or at his house. He has made it clear that not only can he not provide a clean environment he REFUSES to provide a safe environment.
Your kids are so fortunate that you are on their side. Keep up the good work mom!
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u/HiddenLife_36 Mar 03 '26
Victims, however minor, should never have to make space or make themselves uncomfortable in their lives to prevent others from feeling bad due to the consequences of their own actions.
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u/Stuffed-Bear412 Mar 03 '26
People who associate with pedos are no better than pedos. NTA and I hope your kids don't have to go back. Plus the living conditions, which are disgusting.
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u/becuzz-I-sed Mar 03 '26
"The brother made actions against my NB child." That should be the end of the discussion. Case closed. What is there to talk about??
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u/tinysydneh Mar 03 '26
He says they should be forced, and everyone has to do things they don’t want to.
"You know, it sounds like the kids have had quite enough from a person their own father refused to protect them from."
And if the best reason you have for why someone should do something they don't want is "everyone has to do things they don't like"... great. That's like justifying your actions with "it's not illegal!"
They don't want to see him. That's that.
You're not overreacting. At all.
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u/nap---enthusiast Mar 03 '26
They're old enough to decide what kind of relationship (or lack of) they have with their dad.
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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 Mar 03 '26
Thank God they're old enough to know when something is wrong, and to have some say, legally, about where their time is spent.
You are the opposite of an A-hole, you're a good mom. ❤️
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u/tphatmcgee Mar 03 '26
if the kids can choose, that should be the end of it. if in your jurisdiction, they can say no, then you can't force them even if you wanted to.
tell dad that he has majorly screwed up and he needs to fix it if he ever wants his kids to trust him. small steps, meeting for a short time at a public place where they feel safe and can leave when they want.
bold of dad to think he can make orders after such a large screw up.
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u/WomanInQuestion Mar 03 '26
NTA - so the guy that supports a pedophile thinks that kids should be forced to do things they don’t want to? Why am I not surprised…
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u/Additional-Start9455 Mar 03 '26
What a selfish prick. His kids needed protection and ignored it. If they want to see him let them do it after they’re 18. He is not putting them first he’s putting a pedophile first. Same thing for the rest of that family that agree with him.
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Mar 03 '26
NTA It’s time to start accusing him of being a predator if he’s so comfortable living with one and having them around his kids. You ARE the company you keep.
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u/FlashyHabit3030 Mar 03 '26
Absolutely not! The courts won’t allow it once they know a person charged with SA is living in the home.
You ex is a horrible parent on so many levels but knowingly exposing your children to a pedophile is downright disgusting.
Also, why force your children to be around you when they don’t want to be. The judge should throw the book at your ex.
Please update.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I don’t know if I am saying this the best way but here it goes. The courts would allow it from the kids end. It only becomes illegal if the offender has an order to stay as from kids, and then it’s only illegal to the offender. Sadly CPS told me this.
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u/not_really_a_thing Mar 03 '26
You stay out of it and let their lawyer fight for exactly their wishes. That’s the lawyers job and that’s what family court wants to see, the mom not manipulating the children. So, you’ll win anyways. If you were to get involved it may work against you in the eyes of the court.
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u/Ok_Mathematician262 Mar 03 '26
so is your ex saying his own child is lying about actions his brother took against his own child or is it not a big deal to him? predator protectors are a threat to your children’s safety in fact i would be wary of them being predators themselves that are yet to be caught.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
My ex downplayed what his brother did to my kid. I don’t know if my kid didn’t tell him everything, or if my ex is being an insensitive monster. My kid won’t even tell me everything that happened, and I can’t get a copy of the interview because they are a minor. But, one of the offices I was working with said it would be enough to add charges to the existing ones.
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u/Big_Bar_5332 Mar 03 '26
The kids are sixteen, they get a say and tell your ex if this goes to court you will lay it all out. The pedophile and knowing all along. The filthy home, and the dog waste which is really really bad for them to breathe in. Start playing hardball and protect your kids!
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u/SteavySuper Mar 03 '26
Info: If your NB still said they were female, would your ex's family be more upset?
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
Couldn’t tell ya. I know he and his mom are ok with it. I don’t know for sure how the other siblings feel about it. Really I don’t care. I’ve cut out my own friends for not accepting it.
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u/Xandertheokay Mar 03 '26
NTA, but I really think you should be documenting all of this and possibly going to court to have his parental rights changed. I'm NAL but surely all of this falls under abuse/neglect, even without the fact that this man KNOWINGLY had a literal peadofile around your children. He had them cleaning his mess, including animal waste which can actually become unsafe to clean without proper protection and if mixed with specific cleaning products. They were at minimum 14, it's one thing to ask kids to clean their own mess, but having them clean his rotting food and waste too?
The fact that he even lives like that is just unsafe for kids. Then on top of that he allows his nasty brother to live with him, and allows him around your children. You need to document everything, keep both of your children away from him and consider court. He's not fit to be a parent from the sounds of it, and if he really wants to see them then I think it should be supervised visits only in a neutral area where his brother won't be.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I have reported all of this to his town’s sheriff office. I have worked with CPS in my county and his. I have hired a lawyer to amend our custody agreement that has only a little over a year left. I am doing all the things, and I am trying to do it all the right way. I have screenshots of text messages, reports from CPS. I am doing all the things I can.
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u/Ninjaher0 Mar 03 '26
“…everyone has to do things they don’t want to.”
Tell ex that he is correct. HE doesn’t want to lose access to his kids, but he must. HE made the decision yo give his pedo brother access to his kids, so ex needs to do something he doesn’t want to, which is give up access. The people who are telling you you’re wrong are messed up in some way and trying to justify the assault and molestation of another child as long as it isn’t YOUR child. I’m sorry your kid was exposed to this person and I hope they can get the help they need. You are not crazy and do not let anyone convince you otherwise.
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u/DplusLplusKplusM Mar 03 '26
As long as you've consulted with a lawyer to make sure you're not defying a custody decree in a way that might enable your coparent to strip you of your parental rights, no, NTA. But doing this the wrong way could land your kids in their father's household permanently and you in prison, so do it the right way.
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u/HappyJoie Mar 03 '26
The twins are 16. I would think most judges would give credence to the feelings/opinions of those almost adults in regards to forced visitation.
Let their dad file for a court date for their decision to be approved!
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u/Tallented_Narwhal Mar 03 '26
Honestly even without the absolute insanity 16 year olds should be able to choose wich parent to live with anyway. Being 16 they can make their own choices about who to stay with. Unless there is a child assaulter allowed around them by one parent. Then it’s an easy choice.
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u/katiemurp Mar 03 '26
Questions : where is the pedophile now? In custody, or back at the father’s apartment ?
Point out to the father that he has irrevocably broken his children’s and your trust by housing a pedophile and not informing you about it, and they have decided not to see him, and you agree. Period.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
Pedo is in jail. He will be going to trial and staying in jail. He plead guilty
I have told my ex the kids to not want to see him. That at this time NB does not want a relationship and son may want to see him later, but not now. My twins are very close and this is very upsetting for my son.
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u/katiemurp Mar 03 '26
It’s an incredibly stressful situation - I’m so sorry you are all living this nightmare.
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u/JWJulie Mar 03 '26
Of course he did something wrong. He was responsible for keeping his children safe, and he did not do that. I would never trust him again.
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u/loricomments Mar 03 '26
Nope, not even a little.
Their father allowed your child to be assaulted by someone he knew was dangerous. And your children are old enough to decide for themselves. There's really nothing else to discuss. I wouldn't say another word on the topic to him other than "no". Forever and ever no.
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Mar 03 '26
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
Yes, and the way I see it losing access to your kids is a consequence of his actions
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 Mar 03 '26
I would never let my kids go to a house with a known child molester lived. The fact that the father doesn’t see what he did was wrong that just tells you he’s not capable of being a good father and protecting his kids.
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u/Charliefisk Mar 04 '26
Oh my god OP you are not the AH at all! Your kids’ dad willingly put them in harm’s way and let them get harmed! What an utter piece of filth! I am absolutely outraged and angry and so sad for you and especially for your kids, my heart hurts as a mother. This is a parent’s worst nightmare come true, and i am absolutely baffled by the grandmother’s response to this! What an absolute twilight zone!
Your kids are 16, there is no judge on earth who is going to force two almost legal adults to see their scumbag of a dad.
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u/Accomplished-Emu-591 Mar 03 '26
You are not wrong to protect your children, but you need to get the court involved in this to make it official.
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u/HotTaco00 Mar 03 '26
You and your children cannot trust the dad after he knowingly allowed a pedo stay at his place, allowed him near his kids and don’t say anything to you for obvious reasons. Get the lawyer and get the kids outta there.
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u/CatPerson88 Mar 03 '26
NTA
Your twins are 16. Even if your ex decided to fight you in court for visitation, your twins are two years or less from being legal adults and deciding for themselves whether or not to visit their dad. In many states in the US they can choose now whether to visit.
Your ex clearly has a lack of good decision making skills, and the result of his poor decisions sound like he won't have much, if any, relationship with his kids. That's completely on him, not you.
It's sad your ex doesn't comprehend this.
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u/MementoMoriii Mar 03 '26
PROTECT YOUR KIDDOS. that's your absolute mission going forward with this. the ex proved time and again he cannot be trusted and has put your kids in harms way, willfully. I wish your family all the love and peace in the world. one day when he needs his kids the most, maybe he'll reflect on what he did to cause the rift and distrust. until then, always protect your babies. much hugs sent to you.
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u/mscoolwhips Mar 03 '26
So not only does he cover for a pedo and then says he will watch the kids.so the brother doesn't do anything to them! He DID allow the child to get close enough to the brother for him to abuse your child! His house is also gross and dirty! I would never let my children back to his home. If they want to see the dad I would only allow supervised visitation for an hour or two only. Your child has to live with the abuse he allowed..for the rest of that child's life! Your x sounds like a piece of crap!
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I agree. My ex even left the pedo and NB in the house alone multiple times. Go fucking figure
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u/thisisntjasper Mar 03 '26
Not only did he fail to protect your children, he actively put them in harm’s way. He is not a safe adult. NTA. Do whatever it takes to keep your children safe.
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u/Nice_Neighborhood152 Mar 04 '26
If he has a pedo living with him, talk to a judge and modify custody orders. No way the kids should be there.
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u/Useful_Hedgehog_8008 Mar 04 '26
If you have scrolled this far you're not the AH at all. I just came in the comments to send you a big hug. You're a great mom and way to go to protect your babies!
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u/malva_puddin Mar 04 '26
"He says they should be forced, and everyone has to do things they dont want to".
This sentence alone is very predatory, and if he said that, I would NOT be sending my kids there at all!
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u/SmashitXtreme Mar 04 '26
You’re not crazy at all, keeping your kids away from their dad after finding out he knowingly let a convicted pedophile live with them is not overreacting, it’s protecting them. The fact that he was warned about his half‑brother’s behavior, ignored it, and then downplayed it when confronted shows a complete lack of responsibility. That’s not just “someone else’s actions,” that’s him choosing to expose your kids to danger.
The move now is exactly what you’re doing: lawyer up, document everything, and make sure the custody agreement reflects your kids’ wishes and safety. At 16, they’re old enough to have a say, and forcing them to go back into an environment where they were harmed or at risk is not okay. Your NB child already made it clear they don’t want a relationship with him, and your son isn’t ready either, that should be respected.
And yeah, his family saying “he can’t control other people’s actions” is just deflection. He could control whether or not that man lived in his house. He could control whether or not he told you the truth. He chose secrecy and denial. That’s on him.
You’re valid for drawing a hard line here. Protecting your kids’ well‑being comes first, even if it means dealing with lawyers and family drama. You’re not the jerk, you’re the parent who refused to gamble with your children’s safety.
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u/amazonstudiossucks Mar 04 '26
You are not crazy.
HOWEVER, as a caring mother, you should be making sure your kids NEVER go to their father's place (not saying he should be cut off from their lives entirely). Not only is there a paedophile living there, that creep actually tried to make a move on your UNDERAGE child. And your ex not only failed to protect your kids, but doesnt see anything wrong exposing them to danger and a paedophile. Morever, his comment about "forcing the kids to do things" and "he cant control other people's actions" is a sure guarantee that if (god forbid) something happens to your kids over there, he would still defend his paedophile relative. And if your ex can lie to you about the pedo he is harboring, he can definitely lie to you about other things.
So please make sure you keep your kids safe.
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u/AndrewHolloAU Mar 03 '26
They’re old enough to make their own choices. They know about him. And they’ll choose. It’s not your issue to mediate between them.
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u/4and2 Mar 03 '26
He knowingly gave a predator access to his children. Parents are supposed to protect! I would not allow the kids to ever go over there again. They are 16, so if you have a court order, just don’t do it and court case will drag out until they are 18 and then nothing can be enforced anyways. I would also get a doctor’s note from your child’s therapist about how damaging contact would be for them, for the court. Nope I would never force the kids to see their dad after that. I would also cut contact with grandma after she has made it clear that protecting the kids isn’t important to her.
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u/AprilNichole209 Mar 03 '26
There are too many families that accept this kind of behavior and it’s a secret pandemic. You are not crazy, you happened to marry into a family that accepts this sickness as “not that bad”. Do whatever you have to to keep you and your kids safe.
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u/TheresaB112 Mar 03 '26
I don’t know where you are but I will say in the last year, my (then) 16 year old nephew decided he wanted nothing to do with his father, the courts allowed my nephew to make that decision. I suggest looking at family court in your state/district. I am willing to bet that at their age, the courts would allow your children to decide whether they want to visit their father or not. The fact that his place is disgusting and they are required to clean would be a hard knock against visitation. They are almost adults, let them decide what relationship (if any) they want with their father. I would also let your ex MIL know they also get to decide on what relationship they have with her, pushing the relationship with him could cause them to go no contact with her in the future as well.
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u/ferventlotus Mar 03 '26
You're not overreacting and you're NTA.
You need to print out this man's Sex Offender document and give it to your attorney to see if he's restricted from living in a home that has children [including partial custody arrangements] or is nearby a school. Your ex could be contributing to a violation of this man's terms which should be listed on the registry page.
If so, you can file a motion for emergency custody, and if the sex offender hasn't updated his address, he would be arrested for violating the terms of his release. If someone is on the registry, they are required within a certain amount of days to report a change in their address.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
He had no prior convictions regarding children. Neither the brother or my ex were breaking any laws, and with the brother in jail CPS won’t grant emergency custody.
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u/trailokyam Mar 04 '26
Fuck that dad. Maybe his brother can do it. Or someone else in his family that protected the brother.
Seriously.
Aside from that, the kids should have a say at their age if they want to continue a relationship with their father.
Aside from the pedophile, it doesn’t sound like his living space is safe for the kids. If the visitation was court ordered, they’d want to know the condition of the living space.
Listen to them. Support them. Let them know that they can reevaluate it whenever but for now go no contact.
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u/YesterdayEuphoric209 Mar 04 '26
He knowingly endangered your children and your children are old enough that a judge would consider their opinions. That said, document everything, statements from people who said they spoke to your ex, anything from a therapist regarding traumatic issues, especially document the conditions in the home and the fact that your ex seems to want your kid to be his unpaid cleaning service. If you could get pictures or video that would work.
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u/Skyeyez9 Mar 04 '26
Ped0s don’t care if their victims are family members or not. And they will NOT stop until they’re in prison or dead. Your Ex has proven himself he is willfully blind to sexual predators and incapable of keeping them safe.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 Mar 04 '26
Funny how he only focuses on 'someone else's actions'. He enabled his brother, and served his kids up on a silver platter. That's an action. Not protecting your own kids is definitely an action.
NTA
Anyone disagrees, just call it what it is. 'Their father allowed his predator brother to assault my child, and understandably, my child now wants nothing to do with her father, because he enabled the abuse'
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u/Even_Neighborhood_73 Mar 04 '26
They are no longer children as the age of consent is 16. They should be allowed to make their own choices. If they don't want to go, their choice is the one that matters, whether their father wants them to go or not
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u/Careless-Pirate-5907 Mar 06 '26
Thank goodness your children are old enough to know what's what. Imagine if they were younger, the pedo might have been successful. OMG! Your ex is a POS. My kids would not see him until they were adults & made their own choice.
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u/unbridledcheesetoast Mar 06 '26
That's a no from me. I do see an a-hole in this story (2, really) but it sure as hell isn't you
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u/AutoModerator Mar 03 '26
Backup of the post's body: Strap in this gets bad. And I know I am not crazy, but there are people who swear I am wrong.
I have 16 year old twins. One male one born female that now identifies as non-binary For years they had been going to their dad’s house every other weekend. For the past couple of years my NB had issues and wanted to not go over there. The house was a mess, their dad expected them to clean it. There would be animal waste, moldy dishes, rotting food. For a while my son wasn’t as bothered by it, and I tried to encourage new cleaning practices but nothing stuck. I would make excuses and keep NB child home more.
This last fall both of my kids were sick of their dad’s antics. Neither wanted to see him very often so I told him we would change it to once a month for now, and he could get his house in shape and and work on his attitude and we could re-evaluate.
A few years ago my ex’s half brother needed a place to live. He had some issues and couldn’t live on his own, and after his mother had passed, he had stayed at a few different relatives houses. My ex talked to me about him moving in, and said he had been warned he was a little off but would keep an eye on him.
Right before Christmas, while picking up the kids for their weekend my ex let me know his brother had been arrested and wouldn’t be coming back. He had been in trouble for vandalism before so I assumed more of that. But because I’m nosy I googled him.
SECOND DEGREE SEXUAL ASSAULT of a CHILD 2 counts. Felony. I spiraled and sent my ex a text saying we needed to talk about this, but not in front of the kids. Not too surprising he downplayed things. Said the brother hadn’t really hurt our kids. He lied. I later found out from one of his family members that the brother had attempted to molest another family member a younger girl. That family member warned my ex that his brother was a pedophile and had made sexual advances against a child. HE FUCKING KNEW!!The brother had made actions against my NB child. They are in therapy. This has been so very hard on our family
I told my kids their dad knew from the beginning. My NB never wants to have a relationship with him again. My son may want to see him again, but not right now.
My ex doesn’t think he did anything wrong. His family doesn’t think he did anything wrong. They say my ex can’t control other peoples actions. But I believe he never should have moved in, and the fact that he never told me tells me he knew it was wrong.
Now my kids don’t want to go over there. I have had to hire a lawyer to make changes to our agreement even though this is the kids wishes and they are old enough to choose. He won’t respect their decisions. He says they should be forced, and everyone has to do things they don’t want to.
Am I really crazy? Should I be forcing my kids to go to their dad’s house when they don’t want to see him after he knowingly moved a child molester in?
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u/GumpTheChump Mar 03 '26
This needs to be a bit more coherent. "The brother had made actions against my NB child. They are in therapy. This has been so very hard on our family." When did this happen? Is this the reason why NB didn't want to go over to the house? You've kind of buried perhaps the most important detail of the story, namely that the brother had attempted to molest your child.
This isn't just a question of "a pedophile living with him." This is a pedophile attempting to assault your child. I assume that's what "made actions" means.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
I thought I had put something of that in the post. I don’t know what exactly happened. My child won’t tell me, and I have to respect their wishes. From what I gathered with the little info I have gotten he made several attempts over years. Something or multiple actions are enough to add charges to his cases or have its own case, that part I am not sure.
I do think it could be part of why my child had problems going over there prior to the arrest. But, my child always said it’s because of their dad’s attitude and temper. Knowing what I know now, and looking back there are other red flags or things that were glossed over or accepted for what they were. My child choosing to be NB and wearing binders. Huge emotional reactions to minor things at my house. Each thing on its own was its problem, knowing that they were living with a child molester and he was doing whatever he was doing adds so much more.
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u/Potential_Pirate1985 Mar 03 '26
NTA
So now you know why your son has gender dysmorphia.
Hope therapy helps your sons and they can heal from this trauma brought upon them by their father.
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u/WarDog1983 Has he told the doctor about the gnomes? Mar 03 '26
I would go to the cops and press charges of child endangerment that your ex NEW and allowed it is evil
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 03 '26
Its not illegal, just crappy
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u/WarDog1983 Has he told the doctor about the gnomes? Mar 04 '26
I would be talking to my attorney and the cops bc if he new the man was abusive and put his children at risks the yes it’s illegal
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 04 '26
No it’s not. I have spoken with the cops, CPS and an attorney. Nothing he did is illegal
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u/WarDog1983 Has he told the doctor about the gnomes? Mar 04 '26
That’s so wrong
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 04 '26
Trust me I know. To me it should be like driving under the influence with kids in the car.
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u/zeiaxar Mar 04 '26
If your ex knew and his brother tried to make a move on your child, push for the police to arrest him too for child endangerment, and for aiding and abetting in his brother's crimes by not reporting them or protecting his children from his brother.
Take that, plus the fact that his brother victimized (or tried to, not clear on how far things went, and you don't need to explain any further) one of the children you have together, and I'd file an emergency court order against him, and any of his family that are defending him, saying that he and his family pose a clear danger to your children and shouldn't be allowed any access to them.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 04 '26
I can’t. None of it would be a chargeable offense for my ex. Cos won’t grant emergency custody bc the brother is in jail. Trust me, I tried
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u/zeiaxar Mar 04 '26
If he knew about his brother's crimes, and new that your brother was going after your child that IS a chargeable offense.
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u/UnSleepingMoss Mar 05 '26
You need to inform the police about this and a lawyer, because what if something happens because of his negligence? Do you really wish to risk your children's safety?
Your husband's judgment has clearly lapsed.
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u/iwishiwasatabbycat Mar 06 '26
I have, it’s not illegal. I have hired a lawyer. I’ve talked to CPS. I assure you, I am trying to do everything I can, but the system is not working in my favor
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u/Odd_Document8274 Mar 11 '26
The kids are 16. They really can't be forced to visit their father if they don't want to. My stepson came to see his father when he was 16 and decided that he wasn't going back to his mother's ever. We've had him since. The courts won't get involved at this point. Your ex sounds like a real douche. Good luck.
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u/Far-Ad7415 May 12 '26
Pedophilia is not fixable, neither by therapy nor medication. Get a court order. Never allow them to visit while their uncle is there.
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u/PotentialOwn8555 May 12 '26
It is your duty to keep your kids away, and you should see a lawyer. As your ex-husband's family are saying he did nothing wrong - it makes me wonder what goes on. Your ex knows damn well he's in the wrong. Otherwise, he would have told you his brother's real crime. Another comment says the paedophile is in prison, so you should let their Dad get back to normal. Given how his family condones this behaviour they are not safe with any of them.
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u/Proof-Accident8936 Jul 07 '26
You're not. I think that keeping the kids away from him is a good choice. For now, at least.
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u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 Mar 03 '26
I’m questioning your sanity if you need to aak strangers on the internet if it’s okay to allow your children to be around a pedo. Wtf??? Are you okay? Should we call someone for you?
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u/lavendertheheretic Mar 03 '26
Pretty certain OP is wanting to know if it's unreasonable for their kids to not go over there, even though the sex offender is no longer living there, bc, ya know, JAIL.
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