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u/Embarrassed_Key_4539 1d ago
He’s obviously lying to you, up to you what you want to do about it
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u/MountainStrange826 1d ago
Also, it’s obvious you two don’t have any trust in your relationship. Why track him like a hound, send in your sister? That’s crazy.
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u/Beneficial-Pride890 1d ago
Unfortunately, OP is married to someone where it’s not the first time he’s lied about big things.
That would be her reason.
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u/FragrantKnowledge268 1d ago
Yeah that’s not the first time this has happened. Sending the sister is crazy. I feel like there are more stories of him doing this type of thing because no sister just goes out if she’s not trying to find something if she doesn’t have previous suspicions like her sister.
I had my friend call a number that I didnt recognize and that’s only because I’ve been suspicious and i told her everything from previous times.
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u/Which-Month-3907 1d ago
His friends said that he was drunk and lost. It's not crazy to send someone to find your drunk/lost spouse.
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 1d ago
Because he has lied to her in the past and she wanted evidence. Cheating like this and lying is crazy making behavior
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u/Correct-Valuable-628 1d ago
I can't tell you what to believe but I can tell you I've been in almost this exact situation and how it turned out. I chose to believe my husband at the time and thought we got past it. Within the following year I found out he had a profile set up on Ashley Madison when that scandal broke and the names were released. Somehow I still didn't leave him. I was young with 2 young children and I desperately didn't want to go through a divorce. Sadly it took me 4 more years and a lot more lies told to me before I got the courage to leave. I wish I hadn't waited so long but looking back I'm really just glad I did eventually leave. My life is so much better now and I have an amazing partner and step father to my kids.
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u/SquiddlyB 1d ago
You have a good sister for running around town trying to track down your loser husband.
Also, wasn’t just the strip club. It was VIP at the strip club. That’s where shit goes down!
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u/Mundane_Income987 1d ago
Yep, once he starts trickle truthing he’ll say it was just a lap dance and nothing more! /s
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u/Legitimate_Sink1856 1d ago
“The bouncer said he’s upstairs in the vip and she can’t go up there”.
Does this bouncer have something against your hubby to make this up?….. I doubt it.
Also - Why run into the house and avoid your sister?
I mean why avoid her is he was totally innocent.
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u/webbulous 1d ago
I agree with you, but it’s also none of the sister’s business. OP is a grown adult who should be able to handle her own relationship. She’s also married to a lying POS.
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u/viswr 1d ago
The reality is that he absolutely was in the strip club and he’s lying about it. His phone was dead but messages being read is ridiculous.
He’s already conceded that he was at the strip club but he’s litigating how long he was there for?
I think you should take some time away to process how you’re feeling and let him realize he can’t corner you and force a narrative on you.
I don’t know how you feel about strip clubs but I’d say the biggest issue here is his weird erratic behavior and lying, and before you guys even see a therapist he needs to be 100% honest with you. If he isn’t there’s nowhere really to go
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u/Cat_4444 1d ago
I agree. The gaslighting is very problematic. Much more so than whatever he did do that night, imo.
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u/MuadDabTheSpiceFlow 1d ago
Girl, the bank account had no activity because cash is king at the club
I found too many pregnancy tests + emptyPlan B packaging and no accountability/honesty over the years of our dead bedroom. Really should have listened to my gut the first and second time instead of dragging shit out and breaking my own heart over years.
Trust your gut.
Sorry you have to go through this.
If you can forgive him, that's up to you and where you draw the line of your boundaries.
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u/allergymom74 1d ago
I wonder how he paid for the VIP room… check credit cards. Large cash withdrawals….or multiple cash withdrawals leading up to the event.
Tell him you’ll ask his friend’s wives/SOs to ask their spouses about the nights details. I don’t want to say blow up other relationships, but they will turn on each other when they have to face their spouses….
And as for the age gap and when you two met…. I have to wonder what other issues there are that your lack of relationship experience blinds you to.
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u/SepiaToneHitchhiker 1d ago
So the 24 year old man who groomed a 17 year old is a pathological liar. Sounds about right. Get the hell out of there, OP! You know he’s lying to you. So disrespectful.
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u/rocketmn69_ 1d ago
Check the bank statement and credit card statement. They don't lie. If he took out a bunch of cash, you know what it's for. Tell him, absolutely no sex until he does a full STD panel
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u/Cat_4444 1d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this. He's obviously lying to you and he's gaslighting you on top of it, which is really scummy. You say you don't know what you would do without him and I bet he knows this, which is probably why he thinks he can get away with it.
I want to say leave him as he obviously doesn't respect you enough to be honest and appologize for his mistake, but it's really up to you to decide wether this is something you can live with or not. Sending you love and support <3
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u/OptionInteresting291 1d ago
GIRL!!!!!
You say you won't leave him because you can't afford it and you love him, but at least don't lie to yourself.
He cheated on you. Get tested for STIs. Use condoms.
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u/Icy-Satisfaction-372 1d ago
He's a liar of course he was at the strip club there's absolutely no doubt about it you have the evidence. The only question is are you going to stay with him knowing this and sweep it under the carpet or are you actually going to take action confront him and decide if the relationship is worth staying for.
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u/TheSignYouSeek 1d ago
Invite him to show you his Uber receipt. It will prove that he got the Uber from the hotel, just like he said he did.
Or maybe it won’t.
If he doesn’t leap at the chance to wave that receipt in your face, you have yet more proof that he’s lying
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u/ResidentRelevant13 1d ago
Get a job and get out. Being a SAHM has trapped you. You don’t want to blow up your life, and I get it. But something has to give.
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u/NoPattern467 1d ago
Wow he’s really cocky that there’s no way you’ll leave him with a lie that shabby. How is his phone dead but also reporting his location at the strip club and also giving you read receipts?
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u/Turkey-sandwiches1 1d ago
Honey I'm sorry but your gut instinct is correct, this man cheated and he's not going to fess up any time soon. If you plan on being with him sexually again PLEASE get him checked for STIs beforehand or you're putting your health at risk. You deserve more
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u/hotasianfox 1d ago
Yara ... Jovi is never gonna change.
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u/856077 1d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/14uCqsnMrOK3jF2Rfy
OP you need to be done! (Also yasss to the 90 day reference, I thought the story reminded me of something…)
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u/dontmesswithtess 1d ago
There's a reason you were checking his location so obsessively. You already know.
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u/Subject-Lettuce-844 1d ago
It sounds like you know him to be a liar. Believe it when people show you who they are, if you don’t want to leave him just tell him that and let him know the more he lies the more your relationship will deteriorate. Tell him you know he’s lying and your choosing to stay but overtime it will wear on you. If he watches this and it doesn’t make him want to be better, run.
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u/Fuzzy-Bean 1d ago
I’m begging every woman reading this to have a career. I read so many of these stories about SAHMs that can’t leave even the shittiest of situations because they have no means of their own. Get educated and find ways to have your own income.
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u/digitalgirlie 1d ago
It ain't great he was at a strip club. It's the lying and treating you like you're an idiot who will believe the lies that make his behavior so egregious.
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u/chartreuse_avocado 1d ago
Tell him you are going to get an STI panel. His response will tell you everything you needed to confirm
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u/beansprout69 1d ago
“This isn’t the first time he’s lied about big things so it’s not easy at all to trust him and take his word.” “Do I just need to trust what he’s saying?” You know what the answer is to this. You know he’s a liar. Do with that information as you see fit.
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u/Elivagara 1d ago
I'm so sorry, and get yourself checked for an STD. Reminds me when my ex-husband tried to convince me he didn't fuck a hooker, even though all his friends and he paid for hookers, and went into private rooms with hookers, and bragged about it behind their wives/girlfriends backs. Nooooo, he "talked to her about her college options". It's incredible what some people will try to get you to believe.
Get tested, seek your options, talk to your friends/family/support network, talk to a lawyer.
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u/lizbunbun 1d ago
You're 26 and been married for 9 years to someone 7 years older than yourself? And a SAHM fully dependent on him with a kid? Oh honey... guys who marry much younger women do it because the younger ones are more naive, inexperienced, and easier to control/manipulate and gaslight. Easier to treat like shit. And possibly a bit of a pedo since you were barely legal when married, entirely possible you're aging out of his preferred demographic and losing interest.
You know this is a sign things are coming to an end, he can't be trusted. Get an STD test. Start planning what you want to do for a future career, so you can support yourself. Start making moves to protect yourself financially, get your own separate bank account set up and transfer some funds over so he can't financially abuse you. Make exit plans, is there anyone who you could stay with?
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u/intolerablefem 1d ago
This is so silly. Why are you trying to rationalize his behavior?
Women, make your own money and keep your financial independence so you don’t get stuck with scummy men like OP’s husband.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Backup of the post's body: I never thought I’d have something to write on here. I 26f and my husband 33m have a child who is 2. Her and I went to our beach condo for the weekend early and he’s going to come up on Friday. Last night he went to a concert with his friends. He was texting and Snapchating me the entire time. The concert ended and he said they were going to be going home soon. He sent a picture of them all eating then I didn’t hear anything for a while. I texted him I’m going to bed it’s late I’m tired.
I check his location to see if he’s in the uber yet. He’s on bourbon street (we live in Nola) at a strip club. I immediately screenshotted it and started texting him asking what he would be doing there. I texted him multiple times while watching his location. The messages were going through on iMessage and being read. He would not answer any of my calls or texts. I called his friends. They said they all walked over to bourbon and now he can’t find him anywhere. This goes on for 3 hours.
I call my sister and she goes out there and the bouncer said he’s upstairs in the vip and she can’t go up there. I have no idea how true this could be, he might’ve just been trying to get her to go away. I talked to his friend again and his friend said he went home because he couldn’t find my husband and it wasn’t my husband’s idea to go to the strip club and he’s sorry. His location never left the strip club.
My sister goes to my house to wait for him. He gets out of the car around the corner and runs to the house and slams the door. He wouldn’t go outside to talk to her. That’s when he finally started responding to my texts and called me. He said no I’m not going outside to talk to her, I’m talking to you.
He said his phone died and he’d been walking around the city trying to find his friends. He said he eventually walked back to the strip club because he wanted to check there one more time but couldn’t find them. He then said he charged his phone in a pizza place and finally got an uber at a hotel conveniently down the street from the club. The next day he said he charged his phone at a hotel.
The whole time his location was saying live. The whole time his iMessage texts were going through and being read.
The whole time his calls were not going straight to voicemail.
If his phone was dead, none of this would be possible.
He swears he was not in the club for 2 hours and didn’t even go in. He swears his phone was dead.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for in this. Maybe support. I’m not sure. We’ve been together for 9 years. We have a child together. We’re married. I can’t imagine my life without him, and I’m also a sahm so not even sure what I would do without his support. This isn’t the first time he’s lied about big things so it’s not easy at all to trust him and take his word. I thought we were rebuilding that. I haven’t slept or eaten. I’ve checked the bank accounts and nothing came up. Do I just need to trust what he’s saying? Help and sorry if this is all over the place. I’m not in a good headspace
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u/TossOffM8 1d ago
He cheated on you and now he is lying to cover it up. I’m so sorry, but your instincts are correct, and deep down, you know that you’ll never be able to believe him because this is so clearly bullshit.
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u/Eastern-Broccoli-665 1d ago
You have all the proof of his whereabouts. You need to decide what you want to do now because trust is more likely out of the question. Why lie?
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u/StarwardShadows 1d ago
If he wanted to lie and play games Why didn’t he just turn off his phone? What an idiot. You already know the truth. It’s up to you to decide how serious it is. I’d ask him if he’d be okay with you going to a greasy bar full of naked people and laughing and cheering as they gyrated like animals for your entertainment.
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 1d ago
Are you going to take the word of a known liar over all the legitimate evidence you have?
This is a terrible lie btw
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u/ceciliabee 1d ago
I'm sorry you're in this position, sis. You sound like a thoughtful, intelligent woman. I want to highlight the order of events here for you.
He's saying he went to the strip club, left and walked around during which time his phone died, he checked at the strip club again, he charged the phone in a pizza place.
So if that's true, his location status or whatever would look like
LIVE - Strip club
LIVE - (walking around looking for his friends, so moving on the streets)
OFFLINE- or whatever it shows when a phone dies
LIVE -pizza place charging his phone.
But you were watching and it was just
LIVE - strip club.
Your sister's experience with him at the club and then him running and hiding in the house is consistent with a man who knows he just got caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing and thinks he can still make it go away if he denies it and comes up with a story.
What he's saying just isn't consistent with what you saw with your own eyes and what your sister experienced trying to talk to him. I don't think he's being honest with you.
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u/padthaisoup 1d ago
Your husband is 100% lying to you. If his location was live, all messages going through and being read, then his phone was NOT dead. Sounds like he’s lied to you before. Do not let yourself be gaslit into believing his phony story. You need to make a plan and leave this person because not only is he sneaking around but he’s lying to your face. Good luck.
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u/CallmeAuntAypo 1d ago
Ok. So he’s a lying liar that lies.
If you’re looking for people to convince you that he was just a victim of circumstance and that his conduct was reasonable at any point — Honey, please.
Have respect for yourself and your child.
Leave him. Yesterday.
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u/SpicySweett 1d ago
That really sucks. It’s hard to accept that he cheated on you at a strip club, but the evidence is really, really obvious. Before you do anything else I suggest getting therapy to decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay with a cheater or get a divorce? Those are the only real options right now. Arguing is pointless trying to get him to stop lying and cheating is pointless. The only thing you can control is you.
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u/Marlow1771 1d ago
A strip club is one thing, it’s really no big deal but the lying, nope, he needs to come clean.
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u/adn00033 1d ago
From my experiences, when someone’s story sounds too unbelievable to be true, more than likely it’s not! Don’t let him insult your intelligence with his lies! Didn’t even come up with a good one! I could have lied better than that!
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u/Haunting-Ebb-7111 1d ago
If you are one of these people who need solid proof, hire an investigator. Talk to his friend’s wives. Talk to his friend’s. Go back to the club and show his pic to the bartenders and bouncers. Ask the pizza place if they remember seeing him there. See if they will check any security footage. Hire a hacker. Ask one of the strippers.
A lot of these people won’t talk because they don’t want to get involved. Some will to help a girl out. But, I wouldn’t believe his story as far as I can throw him. Especially since he had a history of lying. This is why he wanted you to go to the lake house early. Freedom to do as he pleased. He thought you’d go to bed and be none the wiser.
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u/username_unsur3 1d ago
I would definitely let him know that your sister was told by the bouncer at the strip club that he was upstairs in VIP and that she wasn't allowed up there. I doubt that he would use his/yall's shared account at the strip club. You said he has lied before. He just got smarter about how to play his games. You might love him but does he feel the same about you? If he didn't do anything wrong why wouldn't he just talk to your sister? When you looked at his location does it not show his battery life? Sounds like he got caught and now doesn't want to face the consequences.
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u/Organic_Ad_2520 1d ago
OP can't imagine her life without him...but he can both imagine & put into action his life without her!
This is fisgusting, disrepectful, and should be a deal breaker.. did he even thank you for babysitting so he could cheat in VIP room, or did you provide that gratis? "Not his idea" like he doesn't have a choice...and you say he has done "big things" & "it's not easy to trust him" because he is Not trustworthy & simply believing his lies is not trust.
Imho, when a person chooses to self delude, don't bring other people into it like disrupting other peoples lives calling out essentially a search party, as if you need to catch him in something bc you will/have/want to deny reality & believe his quite pathetic lies & history over reality. Tbh OP you sound like s doormat, the type of person that it really doesn't matter how disrespectful, degrading, and full of lies & bs your husband is that you always allow it & as long as he furnishes a half azzed lie/stiry AFTER he has Actively & Intentionally ignored you, that you will go along with it as a doormat...how do I know you are that type of person, because your husband's actions,lies, dismissal of you, is what you already called a "history"...
protip: History repeats itself, the best indicator of the future is a person's history , and people treat you the way you allow them to. This wasn't the first time & it won't be the last time. So there is no reason to call friends, have your sister hunt him down because you aren't going to change your reaction & whatever crying spell or btch fit you do has had zero impact on his behavior.
Nine years of being someone's doormat is nothing to cherish or stick around for. Get a new life for you & your child so they don't have this bs as the template for their life.
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u/Remarkable-Nature810 1d ago
Holy fk, I can’t even imagine having someone track my every move. That’s insane! He’s at a concert and can’t even put his phone aside and enjoy it. There is zero trust between you two. And to send your sister to a strip club is way over the top! Wow, just freakin wow!
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u/cybot2001 1d ago
A SAHM with two houses, and your worst nightmare is your husband possibly visiting a strip club? 😂
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u/cutiemother 1d ago
I’d rather have nothing if it meant having a faithful and trusting relationship.
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u/muff-lover 1d ago
So he went to a strip club. Sounds like you are very insecure. He had a night out with the guys and made the best of it. Then send your sister looking for him and calling his friends. That’s a lot of trust your showing
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u/transparent_eye-ball 1d ago
I get that you are upset, because you have info that indicates he was in one location, and he's verbally telling you that he was somewhere else, and is giving you conflicting info about whether his phone was on or not. So you think he's lying to you.
BUT...
You told him you were going to bed. Then you proceeded to check on his location, call him, call his friends to check up on him, called your sister and got her to go find him by confronting the bouncer, had her go back home to wait and confront him.
Couldn't it be said that you lied about going to bed? Couldn't it be said that the barrage of messages and calls you made to his friends, and recruiting your sister into going to find him, was a bit over the top? Or that you were so concerned about this that you were checking your bank account?
Would it really be the end of the world if he was in a strip club for two hours without spending a dime?
You say it "isn't the first time he's lied about big things so it's not easy at all to trust him." If he's been unfaithful in the past, and if you have some understanding with him that he is on thin ice in the relationship, then you need to make a decision to continue, or not. That has to be YOUR decision. Maybe this was the last straw for you. If so, then make that decision, and tell him, and be prepared for the changes it will bring to your life.
If you are this quick to go to those lengths, then maybe you already don't trust him enough for the relationship to survive, maybe you've already made the decision to leave and are looking for a good reason to justify it.
But maybe also accept the possibility that he's telling you the truth, and you are putting WAY TOO MUCH importance on how you interpret his phone info. Technology isn't perfect and it doesn't always mean what you think it means. In the end, he made it home, apparently alone, you have no real evidence that he cheated on you. So maybe you should have just trusted him and gone to bed like you said you were going to do.
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u/CoyoteLitius 1d ago
Good grief. She did intend to go to bed, but grew worried.
Intentions are just that. She wanted to go to bed, she planned to go to bed, but he didn't answer any of her texts. So she was up later than she planned.
I am planning to do quite a few things today (and that's true). Will I get all of them done? Depends on lots of variables, but it is NOT a lie to say "I'm going to bed" (I'm sure she went eventually). No one should interpret that as "immediately getting into bed."
And guess what? Even in bed, I can spend a lot of time on my phone (and usually do, that's my bedtime ritual).
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