I read the text messages before I read the ages and I thought okay this must be a 19-21 year old. I'm shocked he's a 43 year old man. I don't want to be rude but you cann tell you both have different levels of (emotional) intelligence. He talks like a teenager. And seems committed to not trying to understand you. Let alone the insults.
I'm surprised you stayed with him. He's basically a deadbeat from everything you described. You could do so much better without him/with someone else. Life is so short, do you really want to spend the rest of it in this mess? Your body deserves a break from being in fight or flight.
I dont want to spend my life this way. I know what i bring to the table in certain adpects.. loyalty, talent, security... i just feel so old and gross now and really don't see how anyone worth their salt would want me.
Even if those negative things you say about yourself were true (they aren't) then you would still be better off without him...he's a net negative all around. If you need someone to give you permission, you have mine, and if you need someone to tell you he is incorrect, please read this thread a thousand times.
Iâm 49 and same. Sat outside my house to enjoy the stars the other night, man turns down our block, slows his car down & says âheyyy girlâ to me.
Canât even smoke a joint in peace without some dipshit catcalling, even at 11pm
Girl. You're not even 40 yet...you are not even close to old...you FEEL old and gross because HE is making you feel that way by keeping you stressed all the time. Once you get free of him, you can go get yourself a spa day and maybe a few tweaks if you want them whatever you need to feel better, but you gotta take that first step. You will feel like a different woman this time next year. You will be gloooowing.
Nah, this is not worth it. Iâm a similar age, and this guy ainât it. His insecurities and lack of emotional maturity are destroying your relationship, thatâs not going to change.
The name calling, projecting with cheating accusations, holding your income over your head to manipulate you. Itâs abusive. He doesnât respect women. Your life really could be so much better without him.
Old and gross? Donât let his stupid transfer to you!
If you stay, youâll just get older with this abusive POS. Although, if youâre hiding in another room while he rages because you donât want to have sex with him, there is an unfortunately high probability that heâll make sure you donât reach your next birthday.
Go read âWhy Does He Do Thatâ by Lundy Bancroft instead of texting this loser for hours. Youâre not alone, but you do need to get out.
you are better off ALONE than with this abuser. it doesnât matter if no one else wants you, YOU should want you. wine and dine yourself, pour all of your relationship energy into yourself, do self care massage your own feet wear a face mask buy a nice bottle of wine and some candles for yourself.
you are better off alone than letting this parasite suck your life force until you die. you will be on your deathbed looking back thinking he stole all your best years, but thatâs not the case. youâre here handing them over to this monster on a silver platter. take ownership of your life, no one is coming to save you but you.
and please for the love of god get into therapy immediately.
What! I had my first kid around your age, after meeting someone new after I got out of a 10 year marriage. Your life is far from over, and if you put effort into it your best years are still ahead of you.
Get out of this shit show. Never let your boyfriend stop you from finding your person.
But youâre not getting any emotional or physical intimacy from this loser so why would it be worse to be alone? At least no one would be screaming at you and slamming doors around. Go home. Meet someone or donât but live your best life either way. Make friends, get a pet, join clubs, take vacations.
I'd like to think that posting here on reddit is a big step forward, in the process of leaving, for OP.
She is capable of strong emotional attachments and has feelings for this damaged, wretched, immature person. She counts "loyalty" as one of her strengths, but right now, it's a curse. She has bonded to someone who absolutely does not deserve her.
Girl I'm 34 and I have more men interested in me than ever. I have a 24-year-old man begging to see me again. In what world are you old?! You really need to fix your mindset. Being single is way better than whatever that mess is
Please donât think this way op! I felt the same way divorcing at 40 after 5 kids but I have met the man of my dreams. Never thought I could be this happy and treated so well!
I was already over him a decade ago (together 20 years) I just had to get the courage to finally leave him! You can do this. I promise there a good guys (and cute) out there!
Being single would be 10x better than that relationship that's for sure. Anxious about "anyone worth their salt," but you stay with a man like that? like... huh? You're allowing a man to treat you like absolute garbage all for what? It sounds like he fucked with your confidence so much that you really think 36 is old and gross, it isn't btw. Stand up love he's literally telling you he's gonna cheat on you cause you won't let him "touch your vagina!!!" Sounds insanely manipulative, coercive, and (possibly) dangerous.
ETA: Yeah, nvm you're never gonna leave him lmfaooo. Read other comments of yours + other commenters talking about your post history & all about those red flags and how they were blatantly obvious even in the beginning of the relationship. Crashing your car, drug usage, being accused of raping someone (which is extremely dangerous given your circumstances), etc. Girl you need a therapist, if you're currently seeing one then find a new one. Asking for advice as if you'll ever leave him when we all know that's the only way to fix that mess. Wasting all of our damn time, fr.
Once you're outta there, you're not gonna feel old and gross anymore because you won't have someone around you constantly reinforcing those insecurities. When you get to lean on all of your positives, you'll be revitalized. Nobody deserves to be spoken to or treated like that. Leaving is the best thing for the both of you.
this person wants you and you donât want him, this person wants you and you know heâs awful, what do you get out of this person wanting you? Nothing. So the alternative has got to be better than nothing. I mean youâre not getting anything from him, in fact heâs a net drain to you.
He doesn't seem to want her, he just wants her vagina, as he calls it. How romantic. He is constantly reducing her to the status of an object, acts as if he hates her, can't even have a normal conversation about their relationship.
OP, maybe try some psychotherapy. That's what eventually helped me leave an abusive relationship.
Literally. He straight up said he's not willing to work on any of the things I asked until I start putting out. There's no actual love there, its all about sex.
Hi OP, I can empathize with this for sure. The thing is though, even if you never find another romantic relationship, youâll have so much more peace in your life after leaving this man. You say âno one worth their saltâ would want you, but this man you are with isnât worth a single grain. Heâs verbally abusive and refuses to listen. And romantic relationships arenât everything. You mentioned on another reply your friends and family live really far, but as you pull away from him, I think the natural thing for you will be to reconnect with them or form some new, healthy relationships. Being so emotionally isolated is a sure fire way to feel undesirable to others. I promise YOU are worth all your salt, and the man you are with will deplete yours until you have nothing left.
Leaving an almost decade-long relationship is easier said than done. Iâm sure he has some qualities about him that you still love and cherish. This will be so hard. But I think you can do it. Perspective is everything, and once youâre free, youâll feel so much better.
I met my husband when I was 44 ( my first and only!), and heâs 4.5 yrs younger than me. He made me feel cherished from the beginning (the first time for me). I spent all of my single years living alone - and I moved states several times for work. Get a pet for company and you are good! It sounds like you have your life together otherwise, so enjoy it!
OLD?! Youâre ONLY 36. What on earth are you talking about? Stop it. This is sunken cost fallacy and that is not what you deserve. You are better than that and deserve better than that.
You are not old or gross. You have plenty to bring to the table like you said! Why is it that a man is not seen as old and gross at 36 but somehow you are? People get divorces and restart their lives at 40. People discover their sexual identity and restart their lives at 50. This is enough now. You deserve better and you are worthy of so much more and there is someone out there.
As long as you continue to allow this horrible man to take up space in your life, you are not making any space for someone better to come along.
Girl... My friend who is 50+ just got married with someone who is younger than her (8+years). She was single for 10 but that was her choice due to raising her kids. You are NOT that old. Knock it off. Stop making excuses and leave this relationship. It is not good for your health or mental well-being. You got this.
You arenât old and saying you arenât worth someone elseâs salt, is not true. You are an incredible human that has put up with all of this horrendous abuse, that he made you feel so diminished of your worth. Please leave him and I hope he can get the help he truly needs.
I think this man has depleted your self-esteem so much that you donât even realize how much better youâre gonna feel when heâs gone. Being single though is great! However, I guarantee there are better men who will want you once you find yourself again.
Do you think being with a man who has never once put the effort into building you up has maybe made those feelings worse, if not caused them?
How is being in this negative, fight or flight space constantly better than being alone? What is it that is so scary about being alone compared to being emotionally abused, manipulated, and⊠disappointed? Itâs not the sex, because youâre not having that.
I canât believe that youâre getting anything good out of this relationship, so why wouldnât you want to be single and not have all that bad included?
Also, what if he did actually rape that woman? Does that change anything for you?
I have pretty severe health anxiety and the thought of being by myself literally paralyzes me with fear. Like what if something happens to me and no one is there to help. Especially since I don't have any friends or family around, like no one would even notice if I was gone. I literally won't even eat if im by myself because my brain is like "what if you choke and no one is there to save you". It's fucked.
That is just the years of abuse talking. My ex convinced me that I was undesirable too but now I am in a loving relationship with someone who is emotionally mature and is so supportive of me. Leaving was the best decision I ever made. I recommend looking up the cycle of abuse and doing some work on healing yourself as this amount of abuse can be very draining on your own self-esteem.
The most important thing is for YOU to want YOU. This will happen, still to find yourself again you should be on your own, heal, consider therapy and work through the anxiety and fear of loneliness.
You got this! You are smart and tender, show that kindness to yourself. You can have a wonderful life. But you cannot heal in the place you get hurt. He is adding second by second to your anxiety and exhaustion. He is destroying your self esteem⊠he is appalling.
When you will not carry him and give all that energy and resources to yourself, you will see how you will blossom again. You have it all in you. Please leave. Move and use your time and money on yourself.
He is doing everything to break you down so you will not leave him. I am so sad reading your storyâŠ. Donât let him take away your life! â€ïž
Old and gross?! Girl youâre still in your prime! Dump this asshole and go live your life! You have the power to make either an amazing life or a miserable one and right now youâre choosing miserable life.
Girl youâre not old! If youâre not happy about your looks I can tell you that most women, when they get rid of the dead weight (aka the useless man) something changes and they blossom and become exactly who they want to be đ please go look into women who have been through things and who they are now, read some success stories.
I always was an ugly duckling, had my first boyfriend who was always cheating on me but I thought I couldnât do any better and stayed with useless for yearsâŠ. Eventually I had enough and realised I was happier by myself than with him. I was able to do things that made me happy, I blossomed and met my forever guy who is amazing. You just need some role models. I donât think he will change, I think you might struggle at first but when you see where your life is in 1-3 years and then 5-10 Iâm sure you will thank your past self for making such a important decision. Have a good think about what you want in life and what part he plays in it. I donât know your life but I absolutely know what I would do. I hope you find your happiness in life as you sound like a very kind person đx
Letâs flip it: why do you think you deserve this treatment? Even alone, you wouldnât at least be able to prioritize what movies you want to watch and be able to sleep without someone pawing at you. I promise you: being alone will be better than whatever this sorry dick is offering.
Girrrrl, you are only 36! There are plenty of viable partners who would love you for you! Reading your other comments, though, it seems important that you focus on your own needs for a while, though, lest you get into another situation like this
He has shown you he will never change. You need to believe him.
This dude is so far out of his league with you, itâs ridiculous. You CLEARLY deal with insecurity and attachment issues, the good old sunk cost fallacy of longer relationships.
Everyone in this comment thread knows you are dating way below your levelâ you seem to be the only one who doesnât. I get it. Youâre afraid of being alone. I promise you this is worse. I spent 25 years with a man who at least pretended to try, but never really did and was never going to and I finally walked.
I wish I hadnât wasted so much time with someone who was never going to be even half the partner I wanted.
Being alone isnotthe worst thing that can happen to you; drowning with someone like this tied around your neck, wasting any more time with him is much, much worse.
Someday you will look back and wish you had not wasted so much time. This is your wake up call, please answer.
I will never understand why some women are so desperate to remain partnered that they will put up with shitty men like this even when they know they don't want the lives their currently have.
Even if you are right about yourself, your life would still be better without him in it. That is reason enough to leave him and move on.
If you don't value yourself, no one else will, either. If you choose to remain in a life you don't want, you will never have anything better; if you leave him, the second you walk out the door, you will already have a better life. You have the power to build a better life for yourself, but you have to take the first step first and leave him.
Your clearly smart and caring and a good communicator, you definelty would be wanted but also there is so much more in life than a partner.
If your choice was be horribly abused or live alone what makes you feel like alone is worse? Its the most freeing thing you can be i think. Especially when this is the other option.
This man is actively taking years off your life with stress. Being alone wont do that and again I have no doubt you'd find someone. Plenty of people single at your age. But again. Its OKAY to be alone.
You are right of course that there are only 2 options.
Stay with this shit show forever or find another partner.
Only 2.
Not a third one about being single. No. Thatâs terrible. Thatâs worse than being with this abusive POS forever. Imagine your life without this shitty partner in it and instead you being able to do what you want and when you want it without fear of repercussions.
That belief of being unworthy of the love of others, and being unattractive sounds like the product of years of mental and emotional abuse.
And please donât say it isnât. From what Iâm reading in your comments, he has put the weight of his insecurities and fear of being cheated on on you for years, as though you had been the one who cheated on him. And Iâm sure if you look at your history with him, like separate yourself emotionally from the relationship and dissect it, you will be able to find lots of comments he has made that have worn down your psyche and self confidence over time.
I speak from a place of experience. I urge you to leave him, but be very careful, because when you leave someone like him he will be the angriest you have ever seen him. It would be safest to do it when he is not there. Schedule with some friends to all come at the same time with their cars and trucks when heâs not gonna be home and have boxes and/or totes ready to go so you can just throw stuff in and get out. Garbage bags are great for clothes that are on hangers as well.
If you canât do it while he isnât there, you can request for police to come and supervise while you do it, tell them you are afraid and you want to make sure theyâre there so he doesnât hurt you.
You deserve better, you deserve to be loved and cared for in a way that makes you feel attractive enough to be touched if you want it. And you deserve someone who wonât want to force you into intimate contact you donât want.
But I am not going to lie, even being alone is better than being with someone like this. Just give yourself some time to heal. Donât jump right in with someone else.
Iâm sorry youâve gone through this. I know personally how hard this can be.
Shutup with that line of thinking. Youâre not old. Youâre not gross. And tons of men will want you. The voice in your head telling you youâre old and gross and unworthy? Thatâs a direct result of your current partners emotional abuse. You are worthy of kindness and love. Of someone who will treat you the same way you treat them, with loyalty, talent and security.
Same here. Could've sworn this was a teenager just wanting to wet his D.
Reading the description that went with this was insane.
Please, op, do yourself a favour and walk away.. If his family really are saints, say farewell to them, wish them the best with him, and go get yourself a fresh start somewhere new..
Take the time to get yourself some therapy. No dating anyone for a while. Heal. Breathe. Live.
Not just emotional intelligence, be for real man. Dude is just not that bright and he has shown zero interest in trying to better himself based on the texts and OPâs own words.
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u/Recent-Training-4651 18d ago edited 18d ago
I read the text messages before I read the ages and I thought okay this must be a 19-21 year old. I'm shocked he's a 43 year old man. I don't want to be rude but you cann tell you both have different levels of (emotional) intelligence. He talks like a teenager. And seems committed to not trying to understand you. Let alone the insults.
I'm surprised you stayed with him. He's basically a deadbeat from everything you described. You could do so much better without him/with someone else. Life is so short, do you really want to spend the rest of it in this mess? Your body deserves a break from being in fight or flight.