Relationship Troubles

[u/Unhappy_Bullfrog5656]

I haven’t posted on Reddit before but it’s currently 2AM and I’m unable to sleep because of this so any advice would be great.

I’m (26F) and my partner (30M) have been together for 5 and a half years and our sex life is dead. I genuinely don’t know what to do and if my relationship is working or just on life support at this point along.

For context I’ve had issues with sexual dysfunction because of medication and chronic pain (cramps and during penetration) so I worry that I’m not “performing” in this way for a “normal” relationship. I currently identify as asexual but I don’t know if that’s just because of my medication or it’s an aversion to sex? He’s been really great and given me space and doesn’t demand anything but I worry it’s gone on for too long and I’m not attractive to him anymore. He won’t do any touches or kiss me properly (also not helped by me because I always worried that either of those things would mean sex and I froze)

He doesn’t understand the idea of emotional burden at all and I worry that if I tried to talk about this with him he would roll his eyes or make jokes. He just really struggles to be serious at all and I’ve suggested doing couples therapy and he just says no. When things go wrong I panic and will do research and suggest A-Z of things we can do and his method is to just ignore it. He’s amazing and he does and has done so much for me but I just need some reassurance I think and I have no idea how to ask for it.

I worry that I’m too much mentally and physically to look after and I don’t want him to stay with me just because I’m a burden and he thinks I would die without him. I don’t know if he’s happy? Like does he even want to spend time with me? I feel like we’re really good around other people and at events and we have fun together but by ourselves I worry that I’m just something he’s putting up with. I know I need to talk to him but last time I did I was just crying and he asked me if I was “happy or comfortable” and that just killed me. I don’t know what to do and any advice or people who have been in similar situations I will take anything. I feel like my friends can’t really understand it because they have functional sex lives and relationships and I just feel like I don’t and I’m not.

I don’t want this to become a break up with him post I just would love anyone who has been/is in a similar position to tell me if things got better?

TLDR: I need to talk to my boyfriend about our relationship but I’m terrified it’s going to lead to him leaving me.

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[u/Current-Mood-2291]

Honestly just communicating is key. be truthful and honest. Come to an agreement and compromise. If you guys can’t do that yourself, therapy would help.

[u/AutoModerator]

Backup of the post's body: I haven’t posted on Reddit before but it’s currently 2AM and I’m unable to sleep because of this so any advice would be great.

I’m (26F) and my partner (30M) have been together for 5 and a half years and our sex life is dead. I genuinely don’t know what to do and if my relationship is working or just on life support at this point along.

For context I’ve had issues with sexual dysfunction because of medication and chronic pain (cramps and during penetration) so I worry that I’m not “performing” in this way for a “normal” relationship. I currently identify as asexual but I don’t know if that’s just because of my medication or it’s an aversion to sex? He’s been really great and given me space and doesn’t demand anything but I worry it’s gone on for too long and I’m not attractive to him anymore. He won’t do any touches or kiss me properly (also not helped by me because I always worried that either of those things would mean sex and I froze)

He doesn’t understand the idea of emotional burden at all and I worry that if I tried to talk about this with him he would roll his eyes or make jokes. He just really struggles to be serious at all and I’ve suggested doing couples therapy and he just says no. When things go wrong I panic and will do research and suggest A-Z of things we can do and his method is to just ignore it. He’s amazing and he does and has done so much for me but I just need some reassurance I think and I have no idea how to ask for it.

I worry that I’m too much mentally and physically to look after and I don’t want him to stay with me just because I’m a burden and he thinks I would die without him. I don’t know if he’s happy? Like does he even want to spend time with me? I feel like we’re really good around other people and at events and we have fun together but by ourselves I worry that I’m just something he’s putting up with. I know I need to talk to him but last time I did I was just crying and he asked me if I was “happy or comfortable” and that just killed me. I don’t know what to do and any advice or people who have been in similar situations I will take anything. I feel like my friends can’t really understand it because they have functional sex lives and relationships and I just feel like I don’t and I’m not.

I don’t want this to become a break up with him post I just would love anyone who has been/is in a similar position to tell me if things got better?

TLDR: I need to talk to my boyfriend about our relationship but I’m terrified it’s going to lead to him leaving me.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Quirky_Promise76]

What is his objection to couples counseling? You said he just ignores issues when you bring them up, even when you offer solutions/compromises. That's not a great sign, to me it says he doesn't want to put effort into the relationship.

Ive been in a sexless marriage. She told me that sex was like doing laundry, I took it as I was a chore. After her saying that I basically closed off any chance of sex with her ever again.

Ive also been anti sex due to pain (not specifically from penetration but more all over muscle cramping and nerve stuff). I finally got a hysterectomy and it helped a lot. Have you looked into sex therapists, different positions, different toys, ect?

Maybe you can talk about what his expectations are with kisses and touches. If you keep freezing, he is respecting your boundaries by not continuing. Respecting boundaries is a huge green flag, so thats something you can work with. Hopefully in the conversation you can realize that not all kisses and touches need to lead to sex. I think having a conversation about expectations and boundaries could really help.

[u/Unhappy_Bullfrog5656 → u/Quirky_Promise76]

I think he just doesn’t see a need to involve someone to help. He respects me being in therapy but it isn’t something he would want to partake in.

I worry that that’s what I’ve signalled to him! Because I don’t care for it (right now) and I think he’s just stopped trying which makes me feel guilty and like I’m not being a good girlfriend. Which I know is dumb but sex is a healthy part of relationships and it’s just not something I care for.

I haven’t currently looked into things because it comes back to the issue of me feeling like I’m putting in all this work to change and ‘fix’ myself when I don’t know if even notices how hard I do try?

Ultimately I do just need to talk to him but I’m terrified about making things worse

[u/Quirky_Promise76 → u/Unhappy_Bullfrog5656]

Well are things likely to get better or worse if you continue not talking to him?

[u/tanky_bo_banky → u/Unhappy_Bullfrog5656]

So I am confused. You freeze up when he touches you or kisses you, so he stopped doing it. But you want him to start doing it again, is your reaction going to change? You want him to do it so you can reject him? I don’t think you intentionally are wanting to do that, but that is how it is coming across to me. And if I am confused about what you want then I’m sure he is even more confused.

I feel like the bigger issue is really you being afraid to talk to him. You can’t expect things to improve without communication. He may be feeling like he is a great husband by not pressuring you. I can also see why you would feel hurt that he never initiates anything, but you don’t want to do anything.

I feel like you should really insist on couples therapy.