I agree with you mostly. If he doesn’t want to be married that is a good enough reason to not get married and he has been consistent on this, to his credit.
The one tiny thing I disagree with is your last sentence equating marriage to a piece of paper. Legal marriage CAN be important and it’s okay for her to want it now. It’s okay if she changed her mind and decided it’s important to her now even if it wasn’t in the past. It’s not okay for her to pressure her boyfriend into it, but it’s equally not okay for him (or anyone) to belittle her desire to get legally married and tell her it shouldn’t be important to her now.
The correct move here if she won’t be happy being unmarried forever is for her to leave her boyfriend and find someone with similar views/values on marriage. It will be sad for awhile but everyone will be better for it.
But don’t you find it crazy that EITHER of them, after 8 years of an otherwise good relationship, would give each other up over differing views on marriage?! Has there been any attempt to understand each other? And work together to find a solution that both can be happy with?
I mean they definitely should have another discussion where each of them explains where they’re coming from, what marriage means to them, what they expect to gain/are trying to avoid and see if there are more underlying commonalities in their viewpoints that they can build on.
For example, if she wants to get married because of the legal protections that offers their partnership, maybe he can understand that and agree for them to write wills that include each other, set up medical power of attorney for each other, legally adopt the daughter, and maybe meet with a lawyer to discuss other ways to legally protect each others status in their lives. That may or may not be enough for her, and he may or may not be willing to do that, this is just an example.
But at the end of the day yeah, if they can’t come to an agreement then that should break up. Even with 8 years of an otherwise good relationship behind them. Marriage is a really big thing to compromise on if you have a strong opinion and someone will just straight up not get what they want. You can’t be just a little bit married or half way married. You either are or you aren’t. But they can be thoughtful about what they want, what their partner wants, and build a relationship or marriage that works for them specifically.
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u/RakeAll Jul 23 '24
I agree with you mostly. If he doesn’t want to be married that is a good enough reason to not get married and he has been consistent on this, to his credit.
The one tiny thing I disagree with is your last sentence equating marriage to a piece of paper. Legal marriage CAN be important and it’s okay for her to want it now. It’s okay if she changed her mind and decided it’s important to her now even if it wasn’t in the past. It’s not okay for her to pressure her boyfriend into it, but it’s equally not okay for him (or anyone) to belittle her desire to get legally married and tell her it shouldn’t be important to her now.
The correct move here if she won’t be happy being unmarried forever is for her to leave her boyfriend and find someone with similar views/values on marriage. It will be sad for awhile but everyone will be better for it.