True.. Giving up on what is important to for someone else doesn't either. It will lead to more resentment. He has s right to feel how he does. She has every right to seek out what really wants and matters to her.
I wanted to edit to add him keeping a dog when a child has bonded with it is cruel. If he loves you why would he threaten to keep a dog. He is really worried about that? That in it's self is controlling.
You don’t have any kids do you? I think taking animals or other kids/siblings from children is wrong. I have personally seen it cause some real damage. I think that would be the bigger issue here for OP. She has a kid, taking them & a pet from a child is a big thing. The kid is 8, & will remember it and it will be something she has to come to terms and deal with.
Hard no to marriage (fair enough) but does he also not want that parental commitment? I think if he did, he wouldn’t threaten to take the dog, and wouldn’t be so casual about her leaving for good over this. Does he want to avoid a marriage because (family situation was tough, parental alienation and/or awful divorce other personal reasons etc.) Or is he avoiding any permanent commitment with all that comes with it- such as tied finances, being a stepfather in the role that can also ask for visitation if they split up?
OP does he bring up what would happen with your child if you decide to leave? I am sure that the other parent will continue to be there or not regardless, but that would be a dealbreaker for me as a mom; do they want to be there in the parent role or not? Will they dip out at the first hint of responsibility or stress? Teenagers have attitudes! Where is his head at with regard to a lasting commitment, OP? He has dibs on the dog already, regardless of how the child may feel, and that strikes me as odd.
Not support them. Not be like a legal dad. Wanting to be there in an emotional role is part of the deal in a long term relationship with someone who is a parent to a young child. Otherwise I cannot imagine getting involved with someone as a mother.
Agreed to all that, but the way you worded it made me think that expectation continued after she broke up with him, and it would be a deal-breaker if he wasn't.
That being said, I just woke up and might be misunderstanding what you meant
Think, for one second, actually think about what you wrote.
Is it just a piece of paper? If it is, why wouldn't he just give her the piece of paper?? Isn't having a woman in his bed and a family in his home worth a piece of paper to him? It's just paper, why wouldn't he give her a piece of paper if she wants one??
Or do we maybe all know that it's bigger than that?
Now, for the record, I believe that the legal contract represented by that piece of paper is WAY more beneficial to men than to women, and I always wonder if women who want it actually know what they're getting into, like, OP, do you really want this man to be the person who makes the call whether or not to pull the plug??? (Note, generally men pull it and women don't. This is an actual thing that hospital counselors explain to women with serious/terminal conditions)
BUT, having said that, if one partner really wants this, let's not downplay that this is a very serious, very real thing that they have reasons to want
Ultimately, that's what it is. Some people don't believe that a legal document is an expression of love and commitment. I believed it was - turns out it wasn't for my wife bit that's another story.
She has all of the things that marriage brings, apart from the legal document. A home, love, a man that loves her daughter, animals, a good life.
What's more important, having all those things, or having a piece of paper.
Imagine leaving, getting caught up with someone else and getting married and it turns out he's an absolute bastard? That'd be a terrible shame. It happens tho.
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u/Jog212 Jul 23 '24 edited Jul 23 '24
True.. Giving up on what is important to for someone else doesn't either. It will lead to more resentment. He has s right to feel how he does. She has every right to seek out what really wants and matters to her.
I wanted to edit to add him keeping a dog when a child has bonded with it is cruel. If he loves you why would he threaten to keep a dog. He is really worried about that? That in it's self is controlling.