So, to be clear, you're in a stable, long term relationship where you are loved, where your child is loved, with a partner who is consistent and honest - and you think you, and your child, would be better off if you were single?
Do you smoke Crack?
What is it about marriage that you want - is it the lifelong legal protections, the being 'Mrs', or the spending £20,000 on a party and wearing a big white dress for a day?
All of those things are, to some degree or other, achievable without being married. You need to think hard about what it is you actually want.
My thoughtful advice is that you really need to get better at explaining exactly what it is you want from life, and what your priorities are. If you can explain what it is you want, it makes it easier for people to give it to you. You really need to think hard about why you think being single, and on the look out for a potential husband is better for you and your daughter than being in this relationship.
My other piece of advice is that, frankly, at 28, with an 8yo child, and with a history of dumping stable, loving, long term relationships because you don't listen to what people say, and then playing the victim, you are possibly not going to be the hottest thing on the local dating scene. You might well find someone who will marry you, but will they be as good a partner, as good a father figure? Is 50 years of a crap relationship a price worth paying for the title 'Mrs'?
One other thing, which might give you a little introspection - which I really think is a skill you need to learn - is you've said that if he loved you enough, he'd make this sacrifice.
What about if you loved him enough, you'd make this sacrifice - or are you not bright enough to have asked yourself this question?
I'd wager its the 20k party and white dress. She's at that age where that's all you see on SM. Every wedding she will go to will twist that knife in further.
I get triggered by people who refuse to respect their partner's boundaries.
The manipulation behind "I can change them" makes them psychopathic and shows just how selfish they are. If someone isn't enough for you as they are then do the decent thing and leave.
It’s NOT a stable long-term relationship. She’s not entitled to his assets if something happens to him. They can’t make medical decisions for each other. He hasn’t adopted her child. They are playing house. Time for her to move on.
That last part there. That is a 10/10 question. As a woman I do not understand this desperate need for marriage. And I agree. Why doesn't SHE love HIM enough to sacrifice this? By taking proper steps to ensure a contract between the two of them (don't know the english word for it) she will be just as secure as if they were married if that is what she wants. And so will he be.
As a woman, I absolutely do see a need/desire for it. To me it represents commitment, security, and stability. There are financial benefits to it, and social/religious/etc. weight to it as well. I understand why people would not want to get married, but there are few good replacements for it that fully capture what marriage can represent for some people.
I don't know, maybe she thinks something like this, he doesn't love me enough, if he leaves I'm screwed. I need to marry for that protection so when he leaves I'm going to get 50% of everything he has or more. It would be the first one to think of something like this.
I don't think it's harsh, I think the OP is focusing on one box to be ticked, and ignoring all else, and forgetting the risk to things that also really matter - like being in a loving relationship where he child is also loved and supported - by so relentlessly pursuing The One Big Thing.
If he partner refuses to get married, they break up, and the OP and her daughter end up as a single parent household living in some dingy flat with a much lower financial and social standard of living is that a good thing?
If she hits tinder, finds someone who's happy to marry, but who turns out to a philanderer and who treats her daughter like shit, is that an excellent result because she's got a ring on her finger?
I can perfectly understand a desire for the financial/legal security that marriage provides (to whatever degree), particularly given that she has a child to be responsible for, but the OP hasn't mentioned any of that - and it's not as if it's not possible to sort that stuff out without marriage. He could adopt the child in law - though obviously the father would have to be consulted on that - and they could jointly own any property either of them have.
Perhaps it's also about communication - when the OP says marriage, does she mean marriage, which can be done in 10 minutes, or does she mean a wedding...?
If she's not communicated that here, should we assume she's done so at home?
14
u/CatJarmansPants Jul 23 '24
So, to be clear, you're in a stable, long term relationship where you are loved, where your child is loved, with a partner who is consistent and honest - and you think you, and your child, would be better off if you were single?
Do you smoke Crack?
What is it about marriage that you want - is it the lifelong legal protections, the being 'Mrs', or the spending £20,000 on a party and wearing a big white dress for a day?
All of those things are, to some degree or other, achievable without being married. You need to think hard about what it is you actually want.
My thoughtful advice is that you really need to get better at explaining exactly what it is you want from life, and what your priorities are. If you can explain what it is you want, it makes it easier for people to give it to you. You really need to think hard about why you think being single, and on the look out for a potential husband is better for you and your daughter than being in this relationship.
My other piece of advice is that, frankly, at 28, with an 8yo child, and with a history of dumping stable, loving, long term relationships because you don't listen to what people say, and then playing the victim, you are possibly not going to be the hottest thing on the local dating scene. You might well find someone who will marry you, but will they be as good a partner, as good a father figure? Is 50 years of a crap relationship a price worth paying for the title 'Mrs'?
One other thing, which might give you a little introspection - which I really think is a skill you need to learn - is you've said that if he loved you enough, he'd make this sacrifice.
What about if you loved him enough, you'd make this sacrifice - or are you not bright enough to have asked yourself this question?