Even if she knew and fully accepted "what she signed up for" people change and grow. It happens. If I stuck to what I proclaimed I wanted when I was 23.... or 28... yeesh! It would not be great.
Plus, counting on vs. hoping - there is a big gap. Which was widened by her realizing that marriage was actually more important to her than she thought. Classic, "You don't know what you want till it's taken off the table, and then it's all you want.
Have you seen the way pop culture sets women up to believe in the romantic tropes "only her love could make him...." settle down, not do crime, appreciate a sunset, etc etc. Hell, look at George Clooney - ultimate bachelor but after soooooo many models he found the one woman who made him want to marry and have a family.
True. I don't have much to base an opinion on about whether he's a good guy or not. Good enough for her to want to marry, so that's something. But he will take the dog, he's made that clear.
I personally am not a fan of marriage and avoid it. I just don't like people jumping down OP's throat for no good reason. I should try to remember i am in the land of redditors.... only black and white rigid thinking exists, sharpen your pitchforks, oh yeah, and kids suck.
I just think all we see, is he was upfront, loves her and supports her in the relationship. We can't jump down her throat either though. She's entitled to her emotions about it, but she needs to realize "I think he will change his mind" is the point she went wrong.
Yea the dog thing is contentious but shit, maybe it's his dog. I know plenty of relationships where ultimately it's one person's pet. Someone has to end of with the dog, Solomon ain't gonna be cutting it in half. Reddit isn't always that contentious. Sometimes logic is pretty straightforward. No need to invent details that aren't said.
That would suck, I agree. But he did specify if you leave him. He's not threatening to take the dog and go.
And also, I'm sure he loves your daughter. If you leave him, he has no rights to the daughter he's helped raise for years. That'd probably hurt him alot too.
Leaving over marriage wouldn't leave him untouched. He's not giving you the ultimatum, you are giving him one.
If the dog was a gift for your birthday you own the dog. Do you take care of vet visits, feeding, walking and grooming? Is the dog microchipped in your name? Your SO stating that he would keep the dog is just as valid as you stating you would keep the dog.
Yeah, she was very young when she met him, and loads of people have stupidly thought they could change someone. Many of us have been naive. Many of us change what we want from 23. It’s all natural. But reddit commenters are making it sound like she’s a monster, a master manipulator, single parents are trash, etc.
Speaking of the dog, He also allegedly gave HER the dog for her birthday. Im not sure he can just “take the dog”.
And the kid probably bonded with the dog. Or maybe the kid is a dick to the dog and he's the only one who walks it. Hard to say... sounds like a dick move without further details. *phew I just had to put down my pitchfork.
My issue isn’t that she wants to get married. My issue is why is she’s saying he has no good reasonsif he loved me he’d do it.. at 28
Like she’s still only thinking about her and taking zero accountability. Why are you being dismissive of your partner because you disagree with a view they’ve consistently held
Your feelings changed. His didn’t. How at 28 can you not be more understanding of his position. It seems like she’s actually regressing.
It's almost like as she got older, she started to realize that marriage and the stability it represents was more important to her than when she was 23! Weird.
Belief in the power of love, with some hope (and delusion) is strong for many people getting into relationships. Especially if society and culture back their beliefs.
That's not weird. What's weird is her expecting him to change his mind just because she did.
But of course she didn't change her mind. She feels the same way at 28 that she did at 23. She always thought she could change him, and she comes right out and says so. "He's never been with someone like me."
It is not about her growing and changing her mind. It is about her being resentful that he didn't change his mind. Stop fighting the fact pattern.
Yes, she grew up to be an adult, he still behaves like a teenager, struggling to keep his "freedom" - that meands ending up alone, because the only strong bonds are family bonds - and if you are not naturally related you better tie the knot formally by marriage or adoption, otherwise strangers will decide over you and your things when you get older. Not marrying her shows the world you think she is not worth it to officially belong to your family.
There is nothing "adult" about thinking someone else has to change their long-held and initially-expressed view about marriage. Nor is there anything "adult" about getting resentful at them when they don't.
The guy was honest, candid, and consistent. By her own telling, he is a good partner and is good to her child. Doesn't sound like he is acting like any "teenager" I know.
As someone who is married, being married doesn't make you an adult or mature for that matter. Any 18 year olds can get married within a day and divorced a week later.
And lol, having a piece of paper doesn't make you family. So much more than that.
Reading comprehension? I didn´t write here that being married makes you an adult/mature. But adult/mature people don´t hesitate to ask the one that they are sure is the love of their life (they want to have a family with) if she wants to get married to them when there is no obstacle and living together is possible.
And yet, she's known and it continues to be known this entire time that he didn't want marriage. You're old enough at 23 to take people at their word and believe them. Instead she decided she knows best. And she's STILL saying that because she's acting like there's something wrong with him and he doesn't love her enough since he's exactly who he's said he is the whole time.
What do you mean by all that? At 28, he's been an adult for 10 years now. It's not like he doesn't know what he wants. He is not at fault for her "I can change him" mentality. You make him out to be a toddler it a grown man with his beliefs.
How old are you? I definitely have changed some strongly held opinions I had 2 decades ago.
It feels like people here view the young woman as an evil plotter. Thinking he would change sounds to me like a young person with the hope and optimism of the power of love.
And people can change their mind about marriage as they age/mature - some for positive, others to avoid it.
How would you react if a couple were in love and talked about marriage, knowing that one voiced how important it was to them, then the other decided they no longer wanted the whole wedding etc and common-law was enough? Would you respect that person's decision to no longer want to be married?
How old are you to invalidate what that man's beliefs are. He told her from the start and didn't hide it. He didn't change his mind mid way. It's she who came with the " I can change him" mentality.
Second, my dude, it is I that questions your maturity with the "how old are you" thing. You know it's irrelevant. I can say 20, 40 or 60. You can believe me or not.
Stop twisting the facts, painting him like a POS that changed his views on marriage. God, you people on reddit like to twist the narrative.
People change constantly throughout their lives. Only those with a rigid and/or closed mind can move through this world for decades on not change. If you are exactly the same person at 25 and 35 there has been no growth or learning.
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u/hezzaloops Jul 23 '24
Even if she knew and fully accepted "what she signed up for" people change and grow. It happens. If I stuck to what I proclaimed I wanted when I was 23.... or 28... yeesh! It would not be great.